Sportress of Blogitude

Peyton Manning Would Like To Tell You All About The Wonderful Things Indianapolis Has To Offer, If Only There Was Something

indianapolis

As you can see by the quality of the crudely-drawn logo done by what must have been a special needs child, the city of Indianapolis needs a boost, a pick-me-up – something to make its residents proud of their town. That’s where celebrity endorser/NFL quarterback Peyton Manning comes in, as he has been tapped to be the new pitchman for the Indianapolis Convention & Visitors Association in an effort to boost the city’s (non-existent?) tourism business.

ICVA president and CEO Don Welsh said Wednesday that Manning will donate his time to the association and will be featured on its Web site and in direct mail, e-mail and printed advertisements to convention and leisure travelers.

Leisure travelers? Who in the hell goes to Indianapolis for leisure time? The Amish? Sure, some people may think Indianapolis is a pretty lame city, but don’t count Peyton Manning among them.

Known for his many TV commercials, Manning says Indianapolis has been “tremendously supportive” throughout his NFL career, so he is happy to do what he can to promote the city he has “come to know and love.”

Now why did you have to go and lie like that, Peyton? I can see your well-meaning but simple-minded brother Cooper enjoying a night at the Holiday Inn in downtown Indianapolis, but you’re better than that. And isn’t is amazing that the city has been “tremendously supportive” of your career despite the fact you delivered them a Super Bowl victory? That’s dedication, man.

What follows are some ideas for taglines that I believe should be incorporated into the advertisements in which Peyton will appear. Please feel free to add your own in the comments, if you like.

  • The City of Indianapolis: More Tall Buildings Than Omaha!
  • If You Don’t Like Minorities, You’ll Love Indianapolis
  • Indianapolis: Less Morbidly Obese People Than Milwaukee Since 2006!
  • Come to Indianapolis: When Cleveland Is Too Cosmopolitan
  • Experience Indianapolis: You Can Practically Taste The Melancholy
  • Bring Your Industry’s Convention to Indianapolis: Fat Prostitutes Means More Cushion for the Pushin’
  • The City of Indianapolis: Livin’ la Vida Polka!
  • Come To Indianapolis: One of Tony Dungy’s Kids Committed Suicide Because He Couldn’t Live Here

Maybe that last one was uncalled for, but it’s not like I can take it back now. What do you mean there’s a delete button on the keyboard? News to me.

Peyton Manning new pitchman for city’s tourism board [Boston Herald/AP]