Happy Belated Birthday, Gary Bettman!
I can’t believe I missed it again. Every year, I try to remind myself in ways that I am sure will help me remember: circling the date on my desk calendar, making a paper chain, shaving “June 2nd” into the side of my head, but I always wake up on June 3rd aware that I missed something important, and this year was no different.
You see, yesterday was Gary Bettman’s birthday. He turned fifty-seven, which is pretty young when you consider how much he has accomplished fucked-up in his life.
But the Bettster has to be feeling pretty good about how the NHL is faring right now. He is presiding over an intriguing Stanley Cup Finals where on one side you have a modern day dynasty in the Detroit Red Wings and on the other, The Official Face of the National Hockey League, Sidney Crosby. Still, according to many, what Bettman really wants for his birthday is this: a seven-game Stanley Cup Finals.
Of course he does – the increased exposure and ad revenue generated by a prolonged Finals will always be welcomed.
But you know what? I have a pretty good idea what Bettman really wants for his birthday – he wants Sidney Crosby to re-create this memorable moment:
The blonde wig is optional, Sid. And if the petulant star isn’t willing to go the extra mile for the Commissioner, he has a back-up plan:
99 Filipino men and a 50-gallon drum of baby oil. The 99 is for Wayne Gretzky, of course. And a 100 greased-up Filipino dudes would just be flat-out perverse.
What can I say? Bettman likes to let his freak flag fly.
Happy Birthday, Commissioner Bettman.
Gary Bettman’s birthday wish: A seven-game Cup series [The Boston Herald]