Sportress of Blogitude

Bernie Brewer Is Apparently Still On The Wagon

splash-zoneMilwaukee Brewers mascot Bernie Brewer will once again appear to slide into a refreshing liquid after home runs by the home team, but in this politically-correct era, it won’t hearken back to a bygone era where the outright mocking of alcoholism was entertaining and deserving of laughter.

The Milwaukee Brewers and Lake Delton-based Kalahari Resorts on Tuesday unveiled the Kalahari Splash Zone, located at the bottom of Bernie Brewer’s slide at Miller Park.

Up to this point, whenever a home run was hit at Miller Park, Bernie would slide down onto a platform, a clear departure from when he used to slide into a beer mug at County Stadium, much to the delight of inebriated Brewers fans. What about the Brewers fans who weren’t drunk, you ask? Simple – there’s no such thing.

The Splash Zone will make its debut next Monday in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals. And the kicker? Bernie won’t even get wet – it’s all a charade. What the hell?

After each Brewers’ home run and Bernie’s ride down the slide, an explosion of water will be sent into the air. The feature can be adjusted to send more water into the air but Bernie will not get wet, team officials said.

I wish they would go back to the beer mug bit. It’s a shame, really, that Bernie has been forced into the dry life and not the High Life. In a way, he’s the Frank the Tank of Major League Baseball mascots and just wait until he snaps and goes on a suds-fueled booze bender – it ain’t going to be pretty. No one will be safe – especially that son of a bitch Brett Wurst, the bratwurst from the Sausage Races. Bernie has wanted a piece of that shithead for years.

Kalahari Splash Zone unveiled at Miller Park [Wisconsin State Journal]