Archive for Wrong Wrong Wrong
The video documentation of little kids pounding brewskis at baseball games are becoming shockingly commonplace, but that doesn’t mean we cannot still get our kicks watching the horrendous examples of horrible parenting skills on display in major league ballparks all across this great, beer-guzzling country of ours.
The most recent entry into the pantheon of Parents Turning Their Kids Into Problem Drinkers Before They Get To Kindergarten comes from Kansas City, where one mother appears to have no problem allowing her son to tip back a Miller Lite bottle while taking in a recent Royals-Yankees game.
I mean, the kid is really getting after it, like this isn’t his first go-round with malted barley and hops. But as anyone who has attended a Royals game can attest, it gets pretty hot out there in the stands at Kauffman Stadium. The product on the field certainly doesn’t help matters, either. That should be the Royals new unofficial slogan: “The Kansas City Royals: So Bad, Even Kids Need To Drink To Watch Them.”
All I can say is that mom is lucky she wasn’t letting her son drink Miller High Life. My guess is that the High Life Delivery Guy wouldn’t have been too impressed with her style of negligent parenting and then you know what happens: no Champagne of Beers for any Royals fans and that’s not good for anybody.
[H/T to the always-excellent Busted Coverage]
Hoo boy. This is so cringe-inducing I almost didn’t do this post. I hate it when the awkwardness gets so pervasive you almost have to cover your eyes.
Above we have video (courtesy of the always-superb Puck Daddy) from the 2010 MuchMusic Awards on Sunday night. In it, about everything that can go wrong during a botched attempt at witty repartee: cue cards were apparently dropped, Miley speaking at about a 3,000 words-per-minute clip and Jonathan Toews of the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks appearing to be just barely hanging on while along for the uncomfortable ride. In the end, Toews probably would have preferred that Kanye West had been his partner in this hot mess instead of Miss Miley.
And it gets worse:
Miley and Toews were introducing Drake, the inspirational artist who was in a wheelchair while attending Degrassi High before becoming a monotone, self-deprecating rap star and Canada’s greatest musical export since Justin Bieber. When the show cut over to Drake after this intro, he wasn’t ready to perform yet. Good times.
Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? But hey, at least Miley wore this first ballot entry into the Jailbait Hall of Fame-worthy outfit during her performance later in the show. Now that is awkward. And wrong, wrong, wrong.
Video: Miley Cyrus bungles awards banter with Jonathan Toews [Puck Daddy]
Now that Florida football head coach Urban Meyer has divulged that his chest pains were not from a heart condition but instead were the result of esophageal spasms, Gator Nation likely let out a collective sigh of relief.
Speaking at the SEC annual spring meetings Tuesday, Meyer had this to say about his health scare last December (via CBS Sports):
“The biggest thing is I wanted to find out what those darn chest pains were and I did,” Meyer said. “It’s esophageal spasms and they’ve got me on some medications. I’ve just got to be smarter in the future and I’m going to be. I’m not going to let that happen again.
“But the biggest thing was all that was related to what the heck were those pains going through my chest. Once you find out what it is, life gets a little better quickly.”
While I admire that Meyer’s health care providers are aggressively treating his condition with medication, perhaps instead of over-medicating (which seems to be a big problem in this society nowadays), perhaps a more holistic approach would have been the better course of treatment. That is, instead of treating the after-effects of his condition, wouldn’t it have been more appropriate to take care of what was actually causing his esophageal spasms in the first place?
While I can only infer what exactly is the source of the problem, I have a pretty good guess what caused it. That is why I suggest Urban use the below product when he first feels a spasm coming on:
Personally, I would go with less shocked if the LT in question were Lily Tomlin. There was always something off about that broad. And we have all seen that outtake from the filming of I Heart Huckabees where she has a complete meltdown. I tell ya, that lady is a menace.
In all seriousness, this whole story ain’t good. Not good at all. That’s my preliminary insightful editorial comment on the story. Pretty good stuff, huh?
Lawrence Taylor Arrested After Rape Allegation [The New York Times]
A couple of soccer players over in England – Stephen Carr and Nolberto Solano – have gotten themselves into a wee bit of trouble recently.
What did they allegedly do? I don’t know, I didn’t read the stories. I’m a busy man, people. But what intrigued me about these stories is how they dole out justice – or at least how they investigate cases – over in Merry Old England.
As you can see above, Stephen Carr was probed by police in connection with some nonsense he pulled on the pitch.
And if you think that sounds uncomfortable, Nolberto Solano didn’t fare much better.
Tiger Woods, you miserable, no good, goddamn son-of-a-bitch. Nickelback? Nickelback? God, dude, that’s just flat out wrong. The guy cannot keep taking shots to his Q Score like this. Women, as a group, already despise him, now guys who do not support the lifestyles of bland, corporate rock dickbags have a beef with him.
Apparently, in an affront to good taste and the sensibilities of lovers of good music everywhere, Tiger further shamed himself by taking in a Nickelback concert last night at the Amway Arena in Orlando. Word on the street is he even hung out backstage with the purveyors of pussy rock. I can only imagine what kind of lame-ass scene one would had to endure simply by partying backstage at a Nickelback concert.
Man, what a friggin’ dick. I understand Tiger enjoys slumming for his side pieces, but that does not mean he has to degrade himself by attending a concert put on by those Canadian fucktards. What gives? He couldn’t hold out for the Barenaked Ladies to come to town?
First there was the Gus Johnson Soundboard. Then came the Tiger Woods Soundboard. And both were hilarious and entertaining ways to amuse yourself when bored or hopped up on PCP. Sadly, like all great things, it gets taken too far, gets too played out, too popular, too commercialized. And once that line of acceptable use is breached, there is no going back to the way it was before.
What you see pictured below is a screencap from Seahawks Blog at The Seattle Times. What is it, you ask? It’s the T.J. Houshmandzadeh Soundboard, of course.
Dear God. Allow the person behind the Housh Soundboard, Danny O’Neil, explain:
There is a rhythm to the way T.J. Houshmandzadeh speaks that is almost lyrical. The deep voice, his inflections. There’s a charisma there not unlike what it was like to listen to Gary Payton. The grammar wasn’t always perfect, but the timing and pacing of the speech was.
So here’s some snippets from Houshmandzadeh that made me laugh in my interviews over the course of the past year. Maybe they’ll make you laugh, too.
Now I am not here to piss on this guy’s brass tacks, as the saying goes, he was simply amusing himself by hastily putting together the Housh Soundboard, and he clarifies that, so cut him some slack. Although he should have gone the extra mile and so we wouldn’t have to use our computers’ media players to listen to them. Still, I am sure Mr. O’Neil does fine work for the Times and will continue to do so for years to come. To put it kindly, he just happens to be the person – a unwitting pawn, if you will – that unknowingly brought the end of times to the Player/Announcer X Soundboard Internet Meme.
Hey, if it hadn’t been him, someone else would have most assuredly done it soon enough.
The Tao of Housh [Seahawks Blog]
(previously at the Sportress: Tiger Woods Soundboard, Anyone?)
I have no idea why they would ever even entertain the idea, but I also do not understand why Texas Motor Speedway president Eddie Gossage is going to pay Fort Worth radio station morning show host Terry Dorsey $100,000 to change his name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com.
Dorsey, who is a host of The Dorsey Gang show on 96.3 KSCS, must legally change his name for one year and get a permanent TMS tattoo on his body. He told NBC it was the future Mrs. TexasMotorSpeedway.com that helped him.
“It was my wife who convinced me to do it,” Dorsey said. “She said for the money Eddie was offering, it was something we couldn’t pass up.”
If Dorsey meets the qualifications, the check presentation would take place during the next racing weekend at Texas Motor Speedway on April 15-18.
Lame, but who would pass up that money? Who gives a shit about the tattoo and just because his name is officially TexasMotorSpeedway.com, it doesn’t mean anyone has to refer to him as that. And it’s only for year. Big deal. Even though it is not my given name, my entire family has always referred to me as “Shithead,” and all I got out of it was a crippling anxiety disorder.
Nevertheless, my offer still stands, NBC. Just think about it.
Radio host Terry Dorsey to change name to TexasMotorSpeedway.com for $100,000 [The Dallas Morning News]
If playing with your balls is what you consider time well spent, you just might be a perfect candidate for a job at the USGA headquarters in Far Hills, New Jersey. The folks there spend all day knocking their balls around, trying to ascertain how to get the best performance out of them on a consistent basis.
One man in particular has turned his love for playing with balls into a lucrative career. Meet Dick Rugge (heh), the senior technical director of the USGA. This guy has been playing with his balls so long, he can practically do it blindfolded and still get a good feel for them.
Saying that the “primary function” of what they do at the facility is “equipment evaluation that determines performance,” Rugge knows that you are only as good as the equipment in your hands.
Although a shy and private person in many aspects of his life, Rugge finds himself recharged and full of confidence by working with other people while trying to get the most out of his balls.
“I like to have people working who are smarter than me,” he says. “I understand what they’re doing, but they can run rings around me.”
Perhaps that may simply be a consequence of his advancing age, but don’t believe for a second that Rugge still doesn’t have a passion for balls. He loves his work and likes to put his hard work with balls to the test with other people, stating that he has “gotten great satisfaction from every job [he's] had.”
Further, Rugge knows not everybody has multiple balls to play with, so he has even begun experimenting with how men who, ahem, bring less to the table, so to speak – John Kruk and Lance Armstrong, for instance – can still maximize their performance and get the most out of their ball:
“The ball will perform differently depending on the conditions.”
Indeed, Dick. Indeed. Keep up the great work at the United States Gonads Association. Not to get nuts here, but this is one guy who appreciates all you put into your work.
Wait. What? It is the United States Gonads Association, right? Oh man, don’t I feel like a sad sack now.
USGA center puts 2,500 clubs, 1,000 balls to the test each year [USA Today]
I suppose the sample size consisting of mugshots satisfying the above condition might be quite limited, but check that out, man. “Keep smilin’, keep shinin’, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what fight clubs are for…”
Master Rick Chandler, my esteemed colleague over at Out of Bounds, came across this hilariously awful mugshot last week and I have been meaning to get to it, but I haven’t been able to until now. And I am sure you will agree, was well worth the wait.
Photographed above is permagrinnin’ Stephen Wesley, 43, who was arrested last week in connection with allegations that he arranged five Fight Club-style melees between members of rival Los Angeles gangs while he was a teacher at a probation camp for troubled youth. The fights were recorded on a security camera, so it’s safe to say this guy is in a wee bit of trouble. And despite his sunny disposition after his arrest, Wesley has been charged with six counts of child endangerment.
“This individual was supposed to create a safe environment for probationers and he was allowing them to engage in overt violent acts,” Whitmore said. “He not only allowed the fights to take place, he set the ground rules.”
Wesley’s arrest stems from actions that Whitmore said were recorded Aug. 8, 2008, at Camp Karl Holton in San Fernando, one of 21 juvenile probation camps and halls.
Whitmore said Wesley can be seen and heard on the security footage organizing five bouts between rival gang members in response to an argument that began that morning between two students over gangs.
Wesley told students where and how long to fight, and instructed them to avoid blows to the face that would leave signs of injuries, Whitmore said.
“Not the face! Not the face!” Come on, Wesley. What kind of rinky-dink, candy-ass fight club were you running, dude?
Nevertheless, I cannot get over that smile. You can question the moral and ethical integrity of Stephen Wesley, but you cannot disregard his inner joy. No one can take that away from him. Never suffering the indignity of getting gang-raped in a prison laundry room, however, is another matter entirely.
Teacher arrested for running student ‘fight club’ leaves amusing mug shot [Out of Bounds]
Former probation camp teacher held in fight probe [Los Angeles Times]
