Archive for Sportress of Blogitude’s Wild Kingdom
Holy mackerel, would you get a look at the size of that fish? Quite impressive. And I have to say, my “just for the halibut” line is pretty impressive as well, but just so you know, I’m not angling for compliments, if you catch my drift.
Via The Mail:
A 70-year-old angler will have no need to visit his local chippie for the foreseeable future – after reeling in a record-breaking halibut that weighed more than 34 stone.
Gunther Hansel spent more than two hours battling with the 8ft 2in flatfish while on a trip to Iceland’s Western Fjords.
And when he finally got his prize alonhgside his fishing boat, the German pensioner needed the help of five crewmates to haul the beast aboard.
The monster fish weighed in at a mighty 482lbs 13ozs – big enough to serve up almost 1,000 individual fillets.
Impressive feat, especially for a 70-year-old man. So much so, in fact, I am floundering to come up with a worthy complimentary statement. What? Hey, you can carp on the bit all you want, but coming up with these fish puns ain’t easy. Further, I know for a fact there are lots of folks out there who come from the same school of thought as I do regarding well-crafted puns who will find it nearly impossible not to take the bait and want to play along, in a manner of speaking.
Well, a skunky beaver can be a pretty formidable thing to deal with as well, but that’s a different story altogether. A scorned muskrat to their credit, is capable of being a devilish bastard as well, but I suppose you could have figured that one out on your own. You know, given how passionate those critters can be, a fact which can be surmised courtesy of the lyrical stylings of Captain & Tennille. I’ve said too much.
Sweet fancy Moses, would you get a look at that thing? It’s aquatic nightmare fuel.
The above prehistoric-looking beast is a Goliath Tigerfish, and it was caught by esteemed British fisherman Jeremy Wade in the River Congo for the television program, River Monsters. It has 32 teeth similar to those of Great White Sharks and this particular specimen was five feet long and weighed over 100 pounds. Extremely dangerous (duh), the Goliath Tigerfish are rarely caught.
Said Mr. Wade about his remarkable catch (via The Telegraph):
“This fish is no tench,” said Mr Wade.
“It is, for all intents and purposes, a giant piranha. It is quite a beast.
“The teeth on it are incredibly sharp and are about the same length as a great white shark.
“It also has an extremely powerful bite and has been known to consume prey the same size as itself, attack people and take pieces out of crocodiles.
“It is thought that these fish attack in a reflex response to a sudden movement or splash.
“It is very rare to catch one, especially by an outsider because they are found in such a remote and difficult location to get to. There are no guides or lodges on that part of the Congo River.”
No tench indeed, whatever that means. I have to say, that is one gruesome and horrifying beast. I’m not kidding, that thing is uglier and more appalling than seeing Lisa Rinna* after her third chemical peel of the week. And that ain’t good.
* sorry, I was reading People at lunch today. Suffice to say, I lost my appetite after the Lisa Rinna article. Also, I was originally intending on going with a Sarah Jessica Parker comparison, but that has been so played out and would have been completely disrespectful. To the Goliath Tigerfish.
Giant tigerfish with razor-sharp teeth caught by British angler [The Telegraph]
As the Guthrie family agreed upon, once their pet turtle named Tomalina, a red-eared slider, grew too large for its aquarium, they would donate it to a nearby zoo. The family decided to give Tomalina to the Gulfarium in Okaloosa Island, Florida. Imagine the family’s horror when Tomalina was introduced to her new environment – where two other red-eared sliders were already living – when suddenly, an alligator sharing the same manufactured habitat- promptly ate poor Tomalina. Via Sun Sentinel blog, FloriDUH:
Brenda Guthrie and her 8-year-old son, Colton, witnessed Tomalina’s death as the red-eared slider disappeared into the alligator’s jaws. When the two looked away from the sight, she said they could hear the crunching of the turtle’s shell, reports the Daily News.
“He was jumping up and down screaming,” Guthrie told the Daily News of her son’s reaction. “He was shouting, ‘Oh no, alligator, let it go!’ ”
Oh man. Poor Colton. Even more so, poor, poor Tomalina. That poor bastard probably didn’t even know what hit him (or her). Employees of Gulfarium were not surprisingly shocked and dismayed by the unfortunate series of events:
Gulfarium officials said that the alligator, Gracie, had just been hand-fed and that the gators normally don’t express interest in the turtles.
“It’s horrible for a little kid to have to see that,” General Manager Don Abrams told the Daily News. “That’s not unusual to put sliders in the same exhibit. [The alligators] have never eaten a turtle in the exhibit before.”
Well, to be fair to Gracie, the damn turtle had slider right in its name, and who among us would pass up anything that shares a nickname for a White Castle? Be they alligator, human, or otherwise. It’s the steamed onions, I tell ya.
Gulfarium gator eats boy’s turtle: “Oh no, alligator, let it go!” [FloriDUH]
Via msnbc:
Qondile Khedama, a spokesman for the central South African city of Bloemfontein where Charlie had been a fixture at the small zoo, says the chimp died Tuesday, apparently of old age. Charlie was believed to be 52.
Khedama says zoo officials noticed about five years ago that visitors were tossing Charlie cigarettes, and he was mimicking smokers. Khedama says zookeepers tried to stop visitors from encouraging Charlie in a habit many humans are trying to quit.
Newspapers picked up the story. Charlie featured in a U.S. TV news report, and became the first animal visitors would ask to see.
When videos of him puffing away circulated globally a few years ago, zoo officials moved to cut off the supply of smokes.
You may be gone, Charlie, but we’ll never forget you. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, everybody.
/lights up smoke in honor of my fallen comrade
Charlie the smoking chimp dies of old age [msnbc]
As host of ZeitGeist, Willie Geist makes it abundantly clear to you pervs out there that, no, this is not that kind of video and frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself if that’s what got you to click through to this post. Go get some therapy or something, man. You have got some serious issues.
Moving on, shameless self-promotion in the video by Willie Geist aside, is there anything more precious than adorable twin Japanese bunnies sitting in Dixie cups reveling in their cuteness?
Well, I suppose there is one way they could be even more precious: have the bunnies were euthanized, dipped in liquid gold and then carve out the eyes and replace them with diamonds. That would make them more precious. Immoral? Disgusting? Sure. But more precious.
Hey, I’m not the one on trial here. You’re the one who thought this was a pornographic bunny video, not me.
Stupid colliding dolphins, probably drunk on sea whiskey or something. They should change the taxonomic classification for dolphin’s family name to DelFAILidae, amirite?
Yeah, that’s all I got. I’m no Marlin Perkins, if that’s what you were thinking heading into this bit.
