• Mike Tyson regrets that he never smoked weed with Tupac Shakur. Don’t we all? [Out of Bounds]

• Former wrestler Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart likes his pills. [With Leather]

• Diamondbacks utility player slept in the team clubhouse during a minor league stint. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Rays manager Joe Maddon has ordered his team to wear ugly pants on the next road trip. Why? Good question. Beats the hell out of me. [Walkoff Walk]

• Team USA member Rudy Gay thinks Turkey is a great city. Good to know. [You Been Blinded]

• Chris Johnson and Faith Hill had a lunch date. [The Last Angry Fan]

• The students of New Orleans will be let out of school early for the Saints game against the Vikings. [Busted Coverage]

• Ozzie Guillen for Mayor of Chicago! [TAUNTR]

• Goalkeeper scores 90-yard goal. [Bob's Blitz]

• New NBA Jam rosters, anyone? [The700Level]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl

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• If you haven’t heard, English footballer Wayne Rooney is in a devil of a pickle of a sex scandal. Thankfully, if you need to catch up on all the sordid details and don’t like to read, Taiwanese animators have come to the rescue. [Out of Bounds]

• Video of a fight at NASCAR race in Atlanta features redneck woman with a stun gun. [Busted Coverage]

• Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco will have their own show on Versus. Must-miss TV. [With Leather]

• Drew is back from a week off and resumes his brilliant ridiculing of Peter King’s inane columns. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• If you are unfamiliar with New York broadcaster Michael Kay, you have probably no reason not to like him. If you would like a reason to hate the guy, read this story about his eating habits. [Walkoff Walk]

• Heath Bell “sacrificed a chicken” to help break Padres losing streak, only this chicken came seasoned with 11 secret herbs and spices. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Robert Flores fails humanity by busting out a reference to “the ripping and the tearing” line on ESPN this morning. Unfamiliar with that meme? Proceed, but with caution, because it ain’t pretty. [Awful Announcing]

• Anybody up for an Iranian Midget Soccer photo gallery? For some reason, I knew you would be interested. [Bob's Blitz]

• Yeah, those Heisman folks might not want Reggie Bush’s trophy back… [Sports Pickle]

• A rundown of people the mad genius General Tao wishes he could hate but cannot. [Food Court Lunch]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Players, Owners Agree To Have One Last Kick-Ass Season Before 2011′s Lockout

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Note: a rather lackluster day of posting here at the Sportress. Things got a little wacky around here earlier. Well, wackier than normal.

• Writer declares baseball a conservative sport. Ya hear that, commies? [Out of Bounds]

• Ravens head coach John Harbaugh ain’t a big fan of showboaters. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Something interesting is going to happen at Fenway Park this month… [Walkoff Walk]

• ESPN analyst Darren Woodson referred to the Steelers offensive line as “horrocious.” [PSAMP]

• Kaitlin Olson, who plays Sweet Dee on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, had to leave a Phillies game early to give birth to a bouncing baby boy. [The700Level]

• Caroline Wozniacki was treated for heat-related issues the same day that other girl collapsed at the U.S. Open. [Bob's Blitz]

• Could Charles Barkley been the unnamed golfer who started that course fire in California? [TAUNTR]

• The top 7 recent sports-related fizzle outs. [Joe Sports Fan]

• Good lord, Olivia Munn. I love that woman. Yamma hamma. [Sharapova's Thigh]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Sports World Limping Toward Football Opener Like Mortally Wounded Deer

Send tips, links and complaints about how you did not get your recommended daily allowance of the Sportress today to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.

• Kid wins golf tournament, disqualifies himself after discovering he had one too many clubs in his bag. [Out of Bounds]

• Manny Ramirez will reportedly be sans-dreads soon enough. [Larry Brown Sports]

• The ladies just can’t get enough of Roger Federer’s chocolate balls. [With Leather]

• Saints coach Sean Payton might have a bit of problem with his Juicy Fruit addiction. [TAUNTR]

• Interesting Nyjer Morgan brawl-overexcited Japanese announcer mashup. [Big League Stew]

• Reggie Bush’s girlfriend has been offered $1 million to appear in a porno. [Ted Williams Head]

• A-Rod has reportedly dropped Scott Boras as his agent. But these two d-bags were perfect for each other! [The Slanch Report]

• Keep that Jersey Shore bulls**t out of my hockey! [Puck Daddy]

• Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder filmed a Papa John’s commercial together. Then they totally made out. So I heard. [D.C. Sports Bog]

• Be on the lookout for Russian Dracula at the FIBA World Championship. [The Sports Hernia Blog]

• In honor of Chris Chelios’ retirement, MYFO digs into its archives for an oldie but a goodie. [Melt Your Face Off]

• If you want, you can buy 2,750 Wheaties boxes on eBay for $10,000. [Busted Coverage]

• Butter Chicken visits the gym, points out everything that is wrong with going to the gym. [Food Court Lunch]

• The top 10 ways to get people to care about tennis. [Five Tool Tool]

• Time for another edition of KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Sorry, I’m Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can’t Help Advance My Career

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• Caught on tape: Iowa lineman hit by truck while riding a moped. I guess the old saying is true about the similarities between a moped and a fat chick: they are both fun to ride until you get hit by truck. Wait. That’s not it, is it? [Out of Bounds]

• Yay! The triumphant return of NSFWednesday! [Melt Your Face Off]

• Mark Sanchez is a Justin Bieber fan? You know, that would probably make a lot of sense if you took the time to think about it, which I won’t. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Holy crap, it’s gotten so bad for Ben Roethlisberger he’s had no choice but to turn his life over to Jesus. [Ted Williams Head]

• The mascot for the Penn State Nittany Lions has been suspended for underage drinking. [Deuce of Davenport]

• Two incredibly distinct, yet profoundly homoerotic NFL-related in videos. Yeesh. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• I think I actually do remember this shirt that Andre Dawson is wearing from an episode of A Different World. [The Sports Hernia Blog]

• Victoria Azarenka collapsed at the U.S. Open today due to the unbearable heat. Here are some photos and a video of the freaky scene. [Bob's Blitz]

• My old Deadspin friend Rob Iracane’s dad caught a home run ball at Yankee Stadium last night. [Walkoff Walk]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Department Of Just Saying: ‘Been A While Since An Athlete Has Died During A Game’

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• Is it possible that Tiger Woods has purchased a Manhattan bachelor pad? Sure, anything is possible, but it’s not bloody likely. [Out of Bounds]

• Brilliant video editing work depicting what it would be like if Jay Mariotti discussed Jay Mariotti on Around the Horn. [TAUNTR]

• Do  you want to know how bad Boston dickbag Dan Shaughnessy is? He’s making a die-hard Yankees fan, Rob Iracane, pray for the team’s collapse just to prove the ginger wrong. [Walkoff Walk]

• Just because the Cardinals are playing like shit doesn’t mean their official site should point it out in the headline of the game recap. [Joe Sports Fan]

• Video of a hockey mom in the stands getting drilled by a puck. [Puck Daddy]

• Roger Federer is a tennis trick shot maestro. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Will we ever see Sergio Garcia the golfer ever again? God, I hope so. [Devil Ball Golf]

• Brian Billick’s thoughts on “certain language” as it pertains to Rex Ryan. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: When You Think McDonough’s Auto Repair, You Think Craftsmanship, Murder, And Pride

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• Elin might take some of the money she got from Tiger to open a mental health clinic. [Out of Bounds]

• The best and the worst of EA Sports’ NHL video game commercials. [Puck Daddy]

• Petco Park Dog Day was a big, butt-sniffing success. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Holy ugly NFL camouflage jerseys, Batman! [The700Level]

• The St. Louis Cardinals don’t quite understand the concept of social media. [Joe Sports Fan]

• With the MLB playoffs set to begin on TBS in about a month, you better get ready to start getting sick of Conan O’Brien [Walkoff Walk]

• That A’s ballboy and the girl he charmed at the stadium were on Inside Edition today. [Busted Coverage]

• My pal Ryan Ballengee gives us his two-cents on Michelle Wie’s second career win at the Canadian Women’s Open. [Waggle Room]

• Once again, everybody is forgetting about the hookers. Somebody think of the hookers. [Deuce of Davenport]

• One of my favorite recurring features on the internets, The Sports Snob. Today’s topic: Manny Ramirez. [You Been Blinded]

• Peter King keeps writing stupid crap, Unsilent fills in for Drew and doesn’t miss a beat pointing it out. It’s the way of the universe, people. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• Learn some etiquette, or “Ottiquette” from hockey player Steve Ott. [Melt Your Face Off]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims

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• LPGA Hall of Famer’s Dislikes: Muslims; Likes: Michelle Wie’s long legs, Natalie Gulbis’ voluptuous breasts. Okay, I made up the “Likes” part, but it’s possible. [Out of Bounds]

• Matt Leinart is disappointed about getting benched in favor of Derek Anderson. Here’s a thought, Matt: try not sucking balls every time you get an opportunity to play. [Larry Brown Sports]

• Remember Hypercolor? Well it’s back…in POG form! Just kidding, but it is back – in golf attire. [Waggle Room]

• Photos of Bar Refaeli playing tennis… [Busted Coverage]

• …followed up by video of Bar Refaeli playing tennis. I spoil you kids. [Bob's Blitz]

• According to some recently discovered Hollywood memo, Reggie Jackson was alleged supposed to read lines for an audition to portray Geordi LaForge on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Wha? Big deal. LeVar still would have had his gig on Reading Rainbow. [Big League Stew]

• Albert Pujols is supposedly going to attend a Glenn Beck rally. This won’t end well. [With Leather]

• Rob Dibble’s summer explained in motivational posters. [TAUNTR]

• The Case of Roger Clemens vs. the Little League World Series. Wait. What? [You Been Blinded]

• Classic TV footage from 1987 of Johnny Carson testing out the so-called “live ball.” [Walkoff Walk]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Lou Piniella Immediately Wins World Series After Removing Cubs Uniform For Last Time

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• Bear Bryant’s ghost is stuck in cloud purgatory, not in Hell with all the other sodomites as I expected. [Out of Bounds]

• Yankee Stadium Bleacher Girl Fight? Yankee Stadium Bleacher Girl Fight. [Walkoff Walk]

• Evidence of even more shenanigans in the stands of Yankees Stadium. [Bob's Blitz]

• As you may have heard, Chad Ochocinco has his own cereal now… [Second-String Fullback]

• …and these guys did a masterful Photoshop job mocking it. [TAUNTR]

• I have to agree: Reebok does have a good advertising team. Yowsers. [With Leather]

• Tiki Barber loves the show Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. You would think we’d be shocked by this news, but no. [Ted Williams Head]

• Some great video of a pee-wee football player getting drilled. Ouch.[Busted Coverage]

• Is a girl sticking a foot straight into another girl’s crotch while performing synchronized swimming appear incredibly uncomfortable? Yes. [Total Pro Sports]

• Here is a story about Tiger Woods unlike the dozens of others you have read today. [Wei Under Par]

• Hextall454 has realized he wishes he was the son of new Rams owner Stan Kroenke. [Melt Your Face Off]

• The five best Tugwaterisms from Norman Tugwater, Fantasy Sports Lawyer (portrayed by Gary Busey). [Steady Burn]

• Time for another KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• Blue Menu would like a piece of the Chinese Taipei Little League baseball team. Not in that way, you perverts. [Food Court Lunch]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: ‘We’re In This Together, You Guys,’ Reports Newest Member Of Crunch Gym

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• Divorce makes Tiger Woods sad. [Out of Bounds]

• In other Tiger-related news, Elin Nordegren grants an interview to People to announce she won’t be granting interviews. [With Leather]

• Furthermore, who needs Tiger anyway? The golf world now has Shaq, apparently. [Basketbawful]

• Did the Mets announcer imply that Luis Castillo enjoys gay sex? [Ted Williams Head]

• Dustin Pedroia has been lighting it up on Foursquare lately. [TAUNTR]

• As alluded to earlier at the Sportress, T.O. and Ochocinco are now officially Batman & Robin. See why. [Larry Brown Sports]

• These golf cart baseball hats are awesome. [Mr. Irrelevant]

• Some recommended comebacks for those kids who were yelled at by Bills coach Chan Gailey for heckling. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

• Oh dear: these camo Steelers jerseys are atrocious. [PSAMP]

• General Tao provides some perspective with This Day In History. [Food Court Lunch]

• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Sports Movie Protagonist Receives Some Bad News Before Big Game

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