Archive for Golf
Colin Montgomerie has expressed concern that he will be given the moniker of “Captain Useless” if the U.S. manages to knock off Europe’s squad when the two teams face off beginning October 1st at Celtic Manor in Wales.
Via The Guardian:
“I’ll probably be called ‘Captain Useless’ if we lose. That seems to go with the territory these days. I do wonder if the role of the captain is overplayed, since we never get to hit a shot. You see it in football all the time. It is never the star player who is playing badly who gets it in the neck if his team loses, it is always the manager who gets the blame. I do think, though, the captain has an important role to play.”
A fair concern, sure, but if I were Montgomerie, I would be far more concerned about the Euros, the nasty folks that they are, coming up with a more hurtful moniker should he and his players not win. Just off the top of my head, I can think of these names far nastier than Captain Useless:
- Fatty McFatterson
- Colin the Colon
- Colin Montobesity
- Tits McGee
- Captain Neverwonamajor
- Cottage Cheese Thighs Colin
- Lord Can’t See M’Wiener
- Prince Pasty
- Haggis Ass
- The Prince of Whales
- Man Tits Montgomerie
And finally, perhaps the worst of all:
- Scotsman
Harsh, man.
Colin Montgomerie: I’ll be ‘Captain Useless’ if we don’t win Ryder Cup [The Guardian]
This just in: Bubba Watson is an a-hole. A big, smelly, show-off a-hole. Above is Bubba at a Ping facility testing out a right-handed club, only he flips it and hits it left-handed 300 freaking yards.
Sure, I have driven a ball 300 yards before…just as long as it is measured by walking straight up the fairway 200 yards, making a 90-degree turn and then proceeding to walk the remaining 100 yards to where my ball is sitting, lying in the rough over on the other side of the next fairway.
God I hate golf.
[H/T Devil Ball Golf]
I heard after his round, he immediately left the course, got in his car and high-tailed it to a job for his side-gig moonlighting as a birthday party clown.
I wonder where Noah keeps his weed when he’s golfing. Something to think about.
[H/T Pro Basketball Talk]
Jeez, talk about your tough round.
A golfer at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, California made what has to be considered a one-in-a-million shot Saturday after finding himself stuck in the rough that lines one of the course’s fairways. Trying to blast his ball out of the rough, the unidentified golfer presumably struck some kind of a rock, sending off a spark which ignited what developed into a 12-acre fire. It took nearly seven hours and two hundred firefighters to finally contain the blaze.
Now that’s some serious on-course pyrotechnics. Take that, Tiger Woods.
Fires in Shady Canyon contained [Orange County Register]
I don’t know how it would be possible, but in case you have forgotten since she took the internets by storm last year, Maria Verchenova, the 24-year-old Russian golfer, is alive and well and still competing on the Ladies European Tour. She sat down for an LET weekly feature (via Golf Babes), “The Full Swing” where she gave some provocative answers to the hodgepodge of questions thrown at her while alternately providing some profoundly disappointing ones as well.
Let’s start off with the disappointing:
10. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Big wallet (joking!)
11. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Women are not really my thing…
Aww, man. Well, it can’t all come up roses, right?
And now, a provocative answer (when taken completely out of context):
28. How would you like to die?
I would like to die in a blaze of glory.
29. What is your motto?
Go hard or go home.
Hummina hummina!
Chew on that response while you peruse the photo gallery I prepared for your viewing pleasure.
For those golfers out there who have had the fortuitous experience of leaving the public course behind and gaining admittance to a posh private golf club, you are undoubtedly aware that many of them insist on strict adherence to a laundry list of archaic rules and bylaws from a stuffier era long since past. For example: long pants are a must, collared shirts (no, not “collard” shirts, Pac Man Jones, but thanks for trying) only, shoes with soft spikes, one is never to drive their cart on the fairway unless one does so in a zig-zag fashion, a casual sense of institutional racism and of course, an insistence that one never looks the help in the eyes or shows them any modicum of respect are merely a beginning to the laundry list of edicts – commandments if you will – that these private courses require members and guest to follow.
Apparently, private golf courses in South Korea can be even more draconian than their counterparts here in the U.S., especially after the country’s National Human Rights Commission upheld a course’s right to refuse membership to a man who had an overabundance of tattoos.
I’m not sure if the Earth’s orbit caused our planet to pass through a comet tail or what, but you better find somewhere safe to hide out for a few days, bust out your AC/DC albums and avoid Emilio Estevez at all costs (which, actually is a good idea no matter the situation), because if what occurred in the sleepy town Plainsboro, New Jersey at the Middlesex Golf Course on Monday morning is any indication, all hell is about to break lose: the machines are alive and they are taking over.
Seventy-four year old groundskeeper Donald Kelber was going about his routine and taking care of his many duties and keeping up the golf course when while cutting the grass sitting atop a 2,200 pound lawnmower, the machine came to life and attempted to murder him.
The bloodthirsty mower horrifyingly tipped itself and Groundskeeper Donny down a 1o-foot embankment and into a pond in a maniacal attempt to drown the man. Kelber was trapped under the machine for over 20 minutes, yet somehow managed to keep his head above water until rescuers arrive at the scene and used a backhoe and chains to pull the possessed lawnmower off the terrified man and freed him from his demonic bondage.
Thankfully for everyone, Kelber avoided serious injury, with only a cut on his right calf and a broken finger as evidence of his harrowing ordeal, yet his experience brings up the question that must be answered before it is too late:
Or maybe, just maybe, we should instead be asking ourselves, “Why does the Middlesex Golf Course allow a 74-year-old man to operate a dangerous, 2,200 pound piece of equipment on an embankment sitting above a water hazard?” That might be an even more important question.
NJ golf groundskeeper pinned in pond by lawn mower [NBC Sports/AP]
Nationally-syndicated oddball Norman Chad has made quite the name for himself due to his cockeyed takes on the world of sport, so it should come as no surprise that his advice to Tiger Woods on how to get his game (and perhaps his personal life as well) back into top form would be a tad askew.
It takes Chad awhile to get around to making his point, but he finally sums it all up quite succinctly with the final four passages (via the Cleveland Plain Dealer):
How can Tiger fix it all? Maybe all he needs is a steam and a rub.
Or maybe, like George Costanza once on “Seinfeld,” Tiger needs to do the opposite of his instinct every time: Use the 2-iron instead of the 3- wood. Lay up from the trees instead of going for the green. Have some yogurt for breakfast instead of driving to Perkins.
But if I were him, I’d just take a road trip. No golf, no girls. Spend April in Paris. Go on safari. Read “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” Rent “Animal Crackers” on DVD.
If all else fails, Tiger could just crawl back to Elin and lie like a dog. He’s had enough practice.
A steam and a rub, some road trips, a quick read and a Marx Brothers movie. Ha. If it were only that simple, right? God bless Norman Chad, that goofy bastard.
Offering some tips for Tiger Woods: The Book of Norman [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Caddyshack, Inception-ized
Posted by:The newest thing that is all the rage on the interwebs, along with Hentai Midget Bondage Bukkake Porn, is taking classic films and giving them an Inception-style treatment.
Thankfully, the folks over at TAUNTR selected one of the best sports films to Inception-ize: Caddyshack. Well done, gents.
On a side note, I have heard a lot of good things about this Inception film. I really should get out and see it at some point. But it looks like it will have to wait awhile to work its way up in Weed Against Speed’s movie-seeing pecking order, what with Eat Pray Love, Step Up 3D and Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore already heading up my list of Oscar-caliber films I must see in the theater.
Caddyshack Trailer–Inception Style [TAUNTR]
I have to admit, the above headline is entirely misleading given that the 12-year-old in question, Brad Dalke, is a golfer, not a football player, but I still imagine that Kiffin could be miffed that someone is trying to steal his thunder as it concerns the questionable ethics – whether initiated by the colleges or not – of even allowing kids to entertain the notion of which athletics program they intend to join before they have even had the chance to attend their first homecoming dance.
Further, I imagine Dalke’s verbal commitment to play golf at the University of Oklahoma will not cause quite the uproar or wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth as Kiffin’s recruitment of 13-year-old quarterback David Sills, who made a verbal commitment to play football at USC. Why? Because, well, it’s golf, not a big-time college sport so no one really gives a crap.
