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It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Jack Nicklaus’ grandson has been suspended for two games by the Florida High School Athletic Association for sticking up his middle finger during a game. [Out of Bounds]
• Dear Lord: if you haven’t seen it yet, please click through and take a gander at Chris Berman’s mustache. [Larry Brown Sports]
• USC Song Girls in Hawaii? USC Song Girls in Hawaii. [Busted Coverage]
• Lakers guard Matt Barnes arrested for alleged domestic violence incident. [Bob's Blitz]
• Fan overheard during broadcast of Rockies game is not a big fan of Carlos Gonzalez. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Here’s an interesting take on why the Twins could make it to the World Series. Hint: it involves making Bud Selig look like a schmuck. [Big League Stew]
• Epic photo manipulation by my old friend Gourmet Spud. Ha! [Food Court Lunch]
• Interesting question: which NFL team is really “America’s Team”? [Ted Williams Head]
• Tommy from Quinzee chimes in about Tom Brady’s accident. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Yep, this is pretty much exactly what Tim Tebow’s Facebook page is going to look like. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: So Far It Looks Like I’ve Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death (By Michael Landon)
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Colin Montgomerie has expressed concern that he will be given the moniker of “Captain Useless” if the U.S. manages to knock off Europe’s squad when the two teams face off beginning October 1st at Celtic Manor in Wales.
Via The Guardian:
“I’ll probably be called ‘Captain Useless’ if we lose. That seems to go with the territory these days. I do wonder if the role of the captain is overplayed, since we never get to hit a shot. You see it in football all the time. It is never the star player who is playing badly who gets it in the neck if his team loses, it is always the manager who gets the blame. I do think, though, the captain has an important role to play.”
A fair concern, sure, but if I were Montgomerie, I would be far more concerned about the Euros, the nasty folks that they are, coming up with a more hurtful moniker should he and his players not win. Just off the top of my head, I can think of these names far nastier than Captain Useless:
- Fatty McFatterson
- Colin the Colon
- Colin Montobesity
- Tits McGee
- Captain Neverwonamajor
- Cottage Cheese Thighs Colin
- Lord Can’t See M’Wiener
- Prince Pasty
- Haggis Ass
- The Prince of Whales
- Man Tits Montgomerie
And finally, perhaps the worst of all:
- Scotsman
Harsh, man.
Colin Montgomerie: I’ll be ‘Captain Useless’ if we don’t win Ryder Cup [The Guardian]
Ignoring the backlash he has experienced since he made the controversial comment that his fight on November 13th against Audley Harrison will be as, and I quote, “one-sided as a gang rape,” boxer David Haye has steadfastly refused to apologize for his insensitive, moronic statement, despite the insistence by women’s rights groups that he do so.
Why would he refuse, you ask? What’s an apology these days anyway? They’re empty statements. How hard is it to say “I apologize to any person who my insensitive comments might have offended.” Everybody knows a person doesn’t even have to mean it when they apologize. Well, the reason is simple, at least in Haye’s case: if he spent all his time apologizing for every stupid thing he said, he’d wouldn’t have time to say more stupid things.
Haye, of course, made this assertion via his Twitter account (via The Guardian):
“If I apologised for every stupid/ignorant thing i said, I wouldn’t have time for anything else during the day!” he wrote.
Quite the conundrum. I suppose to free up space on his calendar, Haye could simply refrain from saying stupid stuff all the time. That way he wouldn’t get himself in the predicament of spending all his time apologizing for the stupid things he previously said, which would free him up to make more ignorant comments which I guess he wouldn’t be making since he was already refraining from them. Mr. Haye, I just opened up your entire friggin’ calendar. You’re welcome.
No apology from David Haye after ‘gang rape’ comment [The Guardian]
This just in: Bubba Watson is an a-hole. A big, smelly, show-off a-hole. Above is Bubba at a Ping facility testing out a right-handed club, only he flips it and hits it left-handed 300 freaking yards.
Sure, I have driven a ball 300 yards before…just as long as it is measured by walking straight up the fairway 200 yards, making a 90-degree turn and then proceeding to walk the remaining 100 yards to where my ball is sitting, lying in the rough over on the other side of the next fairway.
God I hate golf.
[H/T Devil Ball Golf]
Paul Bissonnette is about to enter his 3rd year in the NHL, his second with the Phoenix Coyotes. In the 41 games he appeared in last season, he scored a paltry 3 goals. But what he lacks in scoring ability on the ice, he more than makes up for in other areas, as evidenced by the above tweet where he reveals a secret to those who are not a tried and true Ladies Men on how to make up a batch of “Panty Soup,” which Bissonnette describes in a later tweet as:
Panties + moister = panty soup. Do not, and I repeat do not get the crab blend. U will instantly regret it. Upset stomach fo sho.
The crab blend would clearly indicate that said young lady is a ho…fo sho.
Apparently, all that is required to whip up a nice, wet bowl of Panty Soup is the Planet Earth DVD. I could see that. As Bissonnette explains in yet another subsequent tweet on the topic:
I’m serious folks. First scene is the polar bear scene with her cubs. The girls melt. Its an f’ing afrodisiac.
Awesome. Thanks, brah! But here’s where old Weed Against Speed one-ups this youngster. How about Planet Earth on freaking Blu-Ray? The girls not only melt, they invite all their friends over for an f’ing orgy, my friends. You’ll be “bating like .750 with that move,” or something. Either he intended to tweet “batting .750″ or he’s explaining that you might be on your own and will be (mastur)”bating” to get off if the young lady has the crab blend going on and you have to throw her out of your pad after she stinks up the joint with dat skeezy move.
Fo sho.
(Updated: you may recall that Bissonnette’s Twitter account, @BizNasty, was the source of much controversy earlier this summer when he criticized Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract. The Twitter account he made those (among other bizarre, highly entertaining statements) on was subsequently shut down, hence the BizNasty2pointO. And I think we are all the better for it).
Heading into their “rematch” (I put that word in quotes because anyone who sees this game as having any semblance of a rematch just doesn’t get it) of last season’s NFC Championship game against the Saints, the Vikings’ primary area concern shouldn’t be about the need for another serviceable cornerback or how to best prevent Brett Favre taking a similar beating as he did in the previous game , they should be far more worried about the team’s unresolved issues regarding the heartbreaking loss at the Superdome last January which is disturbingly manifesting itself in a vocalized display of oral fixation.
In an article published in today’s Star Tribune about how the team has dealt with that brutal loss, despite the fact the Vikings far outplayed the Saints in many facets of the game (a quick look at the statistics certainly qualifies this notion, except for the whole, you know, fumbling, turnovers and, ahem, horrendous twelve men in the huddle penalty), and how no matter how hard the players, coaches and staff have tried to move on from it, the experience has nevertheless been a thorn in their side the entire offseason. What’s uncanny about the statements from several Vikings is the shared and common thread by which they have chosen to articulate their emotions: most of the quotes in the article seem to illustrate that these players appear to have regressed to the first of Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual stages of development: the oral stage.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, praise and more praise to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Being referred to as a Dumb & Dumber-esque caper by the press, two Australian men, after stealing a five-foot long python from a nearby pet store, ended up having difficulty controlling the snake when they took it out of its container in a McDonald’s parking lot. “Anyone who gets out there with a one-and-a-half metre python in a McDonald’s carpark, they’re pretty dumb,” said Sergeant Andrew Beams, stating the obvious. [Yahoo!/AFP]
• Kid in Brooklyn spends entire summer constructing “World’s Largest Bobblehead,” looks thrilled about it. [Out of Bounds]
• LeBron James keeps finding new and inventive reasons for people to hate him. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Did Brett Favre seriously spend $156,000 to kill six deer? [Busted Coverage]
• Unbalanced Jets fan wants to sell you something. Exactly what? I have no idea. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Do you have questions about personal hygiene? Sharks star Joe Thornton is here to answer them. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The five best moments from the Hard Knocks finale. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Photographic evidence of some perverse scientific experiment where Bill Walton and Dan Shaughnessy were combined to make a grown man. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s that Ray Lewis Old Spice commercial. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The five best golfers of all-time would make quite the formidable Ryder Cup team. [Unathletic]
• Chad Ochocinco’s eight words after sex. [You Been Blinded]
• Take a moment to watch this hilarious spoof, Pure Michigan, about University of Michigan football. It’s a hoot. [TAUNTR]
• One of my favorites: FCL finishes the headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: [audio] Nation’s Last Themeless Restaurant Closes
From WHDH-TV (link contains video footage of the accident scene):
The accident reportedly happened on Commonwealth Avenue and Gloucester Avenue near Brady’s home around 6:15 a.m.
Brady was described as “pretty banged up” but refused medical treatment, according to 7’s Joe Amorosino.
According to Amorosino, Brady had to be extricated from his vehicle after it ran into a minivan. Initially it was believed Brady was transported to Brigham and Women’s Hospital, however it appears that the driver of the minivan was the person taken to the hospital. The minivan driver reportedly has serious injuries.
Brady will be further examined by Patriots’ medical staff, according to Amorosino.
Clearly, the driver of the minivan was far more seriously injured in the accident than the Patriots quarterback. Let’s hope he or she makes it out okay and that Brady is able to play this weekend. Otherwise, no matter whether Brady or the other driver was at fault and regardless of the extent and the severity of the minivan driver’s injuries, that person unfortunately and unfairly might have just made a lot of enemies in New England.
Tom Brady involved in 2-car accident [WHDH-TV]
Barf.
I’m not going out on a limb here if I mention that there have been 43 previous Super Bowl champions going into Thursday night’s game when the Saints kick off the 2010 season and defend their Super Bowl championship, and to my recollection, not one team became so overwhelmed with emotion while their championship banner was unfurled that it rendered them unable to play in a game. What’s more, I highly doubt Tom Landry or Chuck Knoll or any other coach of their ilk took even one measly second to worry about whether or not a goddamn banner would somehow affect the delicate sensibilities of their players. If that had been the case, coaches like these guys would have identified these candy-asses long before and booted the pansies out the friggin’ door.
Are these not football players? Are they not men? Is Sean Payton been hanging around with Dr. Phil too much lately? Am I asking too many inane questions? Possibly. Possibly.
Either the Saints better man up or Payton better quit with the paralysis of analysis, one of the two. On the other hand, maybe Rachel Nichols should quit trying to inundate us with those cutesy, sentimental angles she’s always trying to interject into her reports which no football fan wants to hear.
Ah, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at you, Miss Nichols, with your red hair and the interesting way you stand in front of the camera to highlight your best angle. Keep up the great work, Rachel. And try to retain some semblance of masculinity, Saints. Jebus.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Mike Tyson regrets that he never smoked weed with Tupac Shakur. Don’t we all? [Out of Bounds]
• Former wrestler Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart likes his pills. [With Leather]
• Diamondbacks utility player slept in the team clubhouse during a minor league stint. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Rays manager Joe Maddon has ordered his team to wear ugly pants on the next road trip. Why? Good question. Beats the hell out of me. [Walkoff Walk]
• Team USA member Rudy Gay thinks Turkey is a great city. Good to know. [You Been Blinded]
• Chris Johnson and Faith Hill had a lunch date. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The students of New Orleans will be let out of school early for the Saints game against the Vikings. [Busted Coverage]
• Ozzie Guillen for Mayor of Chicago! [TAUNTR]
• Goalkeeper scores 90-yard goal. [Bob's Blitz]
• New NBA Jam rosters, anyone? [The700Level]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Roger Goodell Urges Jets To Have More Sensible Goals Than Winning Super Bowl
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