Stupid: Strip clubs in New York, Chicago ‘help’ pitch Knicks, Bulls to Carmelo Anthony
When it all comes down to it and when Carmelo Anthony ultimately makes his free agency decision, it’s highly unlikely that the superstar will base it on which strip club in a particular city made the most compelling pitch.
That has not stopped strip clubs in two of the cities where Carmelo might land from offering him “enticing” offers in exchange for signing with their respective NBA teams.
First to woo Carmelo with free lap dances and other assorted nonsense was The Windy City’s The Admiral Theater, which proposed the following enticements should Anthony sign with the Bulls:
- A life sized portrait of him with various girls at his feet to be on display in the club forever.
- A LaLa Anthony look-alike contest in the club that Melo and LaLa could judge as a couple.
- Free driver service to and from the club forever.
- 3 of the dancers from the club would tattoo ‘Carmelo Anthony’ on their bodies
Dumb. Something tells me LaLa wouldn’t find a look-alike contest as something she would condone as part of her hubby arriving at his ultimate decision, let alone all the other stuff offered up.
Next came Scores New York, one of the preeminent strip clubs in the world, with their offer of skanky fringe benefits should Carmelo sign with the Knicks:
- Free lap dances for life.
- Judging the “Dollars For Scholars” amateur pole dancing competition (15,000 scholarship in his name to the winner.)
- A new drink called “The Melo Carmelo” to be served in the club forever.
- His own personal ball girl and cheerleading squad for every Knicks game that would only cheer for Carmelo.
- A topless charity basketball game in his honor (in which he could play) … “where holding is not a foul.”
Ooh, free lap dances for life? Count ‘Melo in! All apologies,, Scores, Anthony could drop the average American’s annual salary on lap dances for himself and everyone at the club in one night and he’d hardly notice it in his bank accounts. Sorry, this offer too is stupid — although having a drink named after yourself would be a pretty cool thing. But not enough to sway an NBA star to pick one team over another.
Which brings us back to LaLa. I can see this conversation between Carmelo and his wife now: “Hey hon, I really wanted to sign with the Bulls, but Scores in New York offered to hold a topless charity basketball game in my honor which I could play in ‘where holding is not a foul.” Whaddya think?”
His wife’s opinion of the offers aside, I’d wager the average American’s salary — apparently the monetary standard through which all financial considerations are being measured in this post — that Anthony’s ultimate free agency decision will not be swayed on either of these two self-promoting offers.
Instead, it will be based upon where LeBron James lands first and then on whether or not Carmelo can join him on that team. After that it’s a crap shoot: The Lakers to join good buddy Kobe, the Rockets and the Bulls with their hard-to-ignore modified arena signage, the Knicks … who knows?
What is known, however, that the attention-grabbing antics of two strip clubs in Chicago and New York won’t make a lick of difference. There’s no chance in hell that Carmelo will think to himself, “Man, I could play with King James in Miami and chase a title or I could have three strippers get my name tattooed on their bodies … hmm, quite the conundrum.”
Good try, skin joints, but it ain’t working. But great job getting the name of the club out there. That’s something.