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Paging Carl Monday: Kellen Winslow allegedly masturbating in SUV before synthetic pot arrest

carl-monday-kellen-winslow

New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow was arrested for alleged possession of synthetic marijuana in a Target parking lot in East Hanover, N.J. on the afternoon of Nov. 19, 2013. But what allegedly transpired beforehand between man and manhood makes an already-embarrassing story completely and utterly humiliating for the 30-year-old NFL player.

The incident report from the East Haven Police indicates that Winslow did not only allegedly have synthetic pot in his Cadillac Escalade, police also noted the presence of “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console.”

Add that to a statement from a woman who happened upon Winslow in the Target parking lot and only one logical conclusion can be reached:

Kellen Winslow may have been masturbating.

An excerpt from the police report, via NJ.com (where the entire report can be viewed):

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.

Paging Mr. Monday … Mr. Monday … you have a telephone call at the front desk.

Additional information of what occurred after the woman allegedly spotted Winslow engaging in a Magical Masturbatory Tour, also from the NJ.com report:

By the time police arrived, an officer found Winslow allegedly “slouched in his seat and moving around.” Winslow sprang to an upright position when the officer arrived. When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost.

It is further noted that when police arrived, Winslow’s genitals were not exposed. But between the jars of Vaseline and the containers of synthetic pot — allegedly “Mr. Happy” and “Funky Monkey” — the entire incident was without a doubt a very, very messy situation.

And how about the Boston Market part? I suppose once a guy rubs one out and takes a few puffs of synthetic weed, some rotisserie chicken probably would sound mighty good.

Oh, where have you gone, Carl Monday. We turn to you in times like these. If there was a time for his unique brand of investigative journalism to root out public masturbators, this would be it.. For those not in the know, please refer to this Deadspin post from 2006, arguably one of the greatest pieces of sports blogging in Internet history and a reminder just how long Deadspin has been around and how great is has been for such a long time.

Man, what a blast from the past. That piece of brilliance will never, ever get old.

Yep, Kellen Winslow is simply the NFL version of Mike Cooper. Only he was caught jackin’ it — allegedly — in a luxury SUV instead of a public library.

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