This just in: Cam Newton appears to reveal that he is some kind of cyborg quarterback
As the Carolina Panthers prepare for a playoff showdown with the San Francisco 49ers at Bank of America Stadium on Sunday, much of the talk has surrounded the resurgence this season of franchise quarterback Cam Newton.
After a 7-9 campaign last season where Newton, in his sophomore campaign, put up respectable numbers in pretty much every statistical category except for victories, the Panthers rebounded quite nicely this season, boasting a 12-4 record and an NFC South division title.
While speaking to reporters this week, Newton may have let it slip the exact reason behind how the Panthers turned it around so quickly. And it all has to with the melding of man and machine.
You see, Newton revealed that some kind of quarterbacking microchip or technological doodad had been implanted in his brain at some point in the recent past. That’s why he always has that towel draped around his head on the sidelines. He’s trying to hide the implant location. Freaky stuff.
To wit: here is what Newton had to say about his preparations for the game on Sunday: “I’m hoping to have all my software up to date come Sunday,” he said.
Good lord! Software? Will he have to reboot? Because everybody knows that’s when things can go awry in any kind of man-meets-machine fusion.
Either way, the future is now. Cyborg quarterbacks? We’re that much closer to a world where “Cyberball” is the norm, people. Nintendo was right, folks. Be very afraid.