National Enquirer has pics of chicks doing body shots off Colin Kaepernick (photo)

San Francisco 49ers 2011 Headshots

Undated, unsubstantiated, essentially meaningless. Those are some ways to characterize the supposedly salacious “ENQUIRER WORLD EXCLUSIVE PICTURES” that depict “SUPER BOWL HUNK’S WILD WILD PARTY.”

The all-caps headline of the National Enquirer story on its website that serves as a teaser for its new print edition of the gossip rag means it is pretty crazy stuff, you see. The “SUPER BOWL HUNK” alluded to in the provocative headline is San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick and his “WILD WILD PARTY” evidently revolves around a time when a grown man engaged in some horseplay while aboard a Carnival Cruise ship in Mexico. Again, the National Enquirer doesn’t mention when the teaser photo was taken, but they got the gossipy goods on this apparently hedonistic pleasure cruise.

colin-kaepernick-national-enquirer-photos

Oh, the humanity. Oops, pardon me, let me do it Enquirer-style: OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!

An excerpt from the comically absurd teaser online article:

The uber-racy snapshots show a shirtless Kaepernick receiving “body shots” of tequila, grinning wildly as bikini-clad bombshells lick the salty goodness off his Adonis-like physique.

“They approached Colin as soon as they saw him,” an eyewitness told The ENQUIRER.

“He im­mediately flashed his abs at the half-naked girls, and he totally went for it when they asked if they could do body shots off him.”

Naturally, things got out of hand as nature AND Tequila took its course.

Wowee-kazowee! If I knew one thing about Carnival Cruises — and I don’t, actually — is when you pair the intoxicating combination of nature AND Tequila? Hoo boy, stuff is going to get real fast. And uber-racy snapshots are sure to be taken.

And “salty goodness”? Seriously? Man, even I could churn out this kind of drivel. And how about how it is alleged that Kaepernick “immediately flashed his abs”? I imagine shortly after “flashing his abs” but before they licked the salty goodness off him” Kaepernick flexed his muscles, strutted up to the “half-naked girls” and asked them, “Do you know where the weight room is?”

Because I like to believe that everything that happens in life can be magically traced back to some tired pop culture reference. Tommy Boy in this case.

But let us for a moment assume that these are more recent photos. Would that make any difference in the grand scheme of things? It’s not like I’m going to stop Kaepernicking, for goodness sake. Nor am I not going to eat my Colin Kaepernick Bicep Cake or plaster Fake Colin Kaepernick Tattoos all over my arms, nor will I stop listening to an adorable little girl rap about her heroc.

[National Enquirer, via The Big Lead]

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