Joining the pantheon of professional athletes who have had their own brand of regional cold breakfast cereal is one New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. Named, fittingly, “Gronk Flakes,” it appears the cereal is a Frosted Flakes knockoff, since, you know, the cereal consists of Frosted Corn Flakes, hence the reference to Tony the Tiger in the above headline. Actually, the cereal could have been a knockoff of Lucky Charms and I still would have made the reference, as it was too easy to pass up. Gronk…Great, you see what I mean.
According to a tweet from Boston Herald Patriots beat reporter Jeff Howe, here is what Gronk told him about the new breakfast food item with his name bestowed upon them: “”If you want to be buff like me, you’ll eat that stuff.” Ha. That is such a Gronkian Gronk of a Gronk if I ever Gronked something so Gronky. If I had, I might just Gronk myself. Or something.
But I have to admit, the name Gronk Flakes troubles me a bit. In light of Gronkowski’s presumed extracurricular activities involving — or at least an association with — a known porn actress and goodness knows what other sordid types of folks the wild man hangs with, the pairing of “Gronk” and “Flakes” conjures up an unsettling image. I’ll allow you readers to interpret that as you will.
Okay, okay, I’m referring to an unfortunate epidermal consequence of contracting scabies. Sheesh, people.