Archive for December, 2011
Bra-freaking-vo. That, folks, is some serious comeuppance. The photo, courtesy of @Matt Sebek (by way of The Sports Hernia Blog). Sebek is understandably irate over Pujols signing with Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and chose to express his frustrations by a little bit of subtle statue-defacing. I wholeheartedly applause his actions. He tweets:
How about some fresh Bubblicious, oh glorious Pujols statue? Score one for our side.
Score one, indeed. Well done, Mr. Sebek.
Shakespeare once wrote that “Revenge is a dish best served cold,” which makes sense, given during his time, microwaves weren’t invented yet. In spite of the relative veracity of Shakespeare’s observation, I have to disagree, a least in this instance. If you ask me, in the case of St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols skipping town for the sunnier climes of southern California, the saying should go, “Revenge is a dish best served by sticking a wad of chewing gum square on the crotch of a guy’s statue.” A bit wordy, yes, and it doesn’t make sense since sticking a wad of gum on a statute’s crotch really isn’t a state a meal can be in, but when you think about it, in a way, it does. Kind of.
Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick shot a commercial for a Las Vegas car dealership. In it, he mentions that a person could argue that there’s no such thing as electricity, adds that people believe he has electricity and at the end of the ad, he says, “Going forward, just watch me shine.” Interesting, although I have no idea how anything Vick is saying has anything to do with a car dealership.
The spot appears to have been around awhile, but As The700Level points out, Grantland’s Bill Barnwell recent deconstruction of the absurdity of the entire ad is utter brilliance, especially in the following passage:
1. “You could argue there’s no such thing as electricity.”
It’s a rather bold move to start an advertisement with a car dealership featuring a professional football player with a discussion of whether a natural phenomenon taken for granted for centuries actually exists. It isn’t even a bait-and-switch, because there was no bait; it’s a switch-and-wait-what-did-Mike-Vick-just-say? Perhaps Michael Vick is a juggalo.
Even the most fervent members of the electricity-denial community will have to admit that Vick’s explanation is crummy at best. “No one’s seen it, but you know when it’s on.” Doesn’t saying ” … you know when it’s on” imply that electricity actually exists? And hasn’t Vick ever seen lightning before? Actually, research notes that a Virginia Tech game during Vick’s tenure at the school was postponed by a lightning storm, so there really is very little basis for Vick’s argument.
Maybe “electricity” is shorthand for “a great 2011 Philadelphia Eagles team.”
Haha. You could say that passage is shocking in its brilliance. Like what happens when you stick your finger inside a partially-broken light bulb while it’s still lit in its socket.
Poor Caleb Hanie. It’s not his fault Jay Cutler hurt his thumb, is probably lost for the season and as a result, likely derailed the Chicago Bears’ entire season. If his on-field performance alone wasn’t hard enough on the poor schlub, now folks are utilizing number one hits from 1978 to take shots at the guy.
In what only can be called parody brilliance, some fellow who refers to himself only as produced by “Chad in Portland” and written by @magic_uno, the parody of Player’s “Baby Come Back” laments the devastating loss of Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and is worthy of a gold record. Well, if parody songs uploaded to YouTube qualified for gold record consideration, which they should.
A sampling of the lyrics (via the Chicago Tribune):
“Cutty come back,
we’re working with a useless QB
There was something
in every spiral you threw.
“Cutty come back,
You can blame it all on (No.) 13
Knox fell down, now
The offense can’t work without you.”
(raises lit Bic lighter, grooves)
Alrighty then.
From YouTube description:
Tiny Tim Rauscheder breaking the vienna sausage record by 3 seconds. The previous record was on breakthisrecord.com of 13.6 seconds.
All the while wearing a Peyton Manning Colts jersey. Awesome. If Manning ever saw this video, I’m sure he would be very pleased that this eating exhibition took place while Tiny Team was sporting his jersey number. But if you think this Tiny Tim Rauscheder fellow is the only person who can put on a dominating eating performance while wearing Colts apparel, you obviously haven’t seen this kid.
[Grazie, Kissing Suzy Kolber]
With the 2012 Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic only a few weeks away, the preparations involved in transforming Philadelphia’s Citizens Bank Park from a stadium designed for baseball into an acceptable and functional venue for an NHL hockey game have been stepped up to breakneck speed. Look how fast the workers are getting after it in the video. What’s that? Oh, that’s what time-lapse means? I thought it meant something about how it appears that the workers are spending their time running laps and “lapse” was how the British spell the word or something. Huh.
Anyhoo, the hometown Flyers will face the New York Rangers on New Year’s Day and as you can see in the above video, an extraordinary amount of work goes into staging such an entertaining event, so it’s well worth having a look-see. Plus, the time-lapse (see, I know what it means now) nature of the video is pretty neat. All it needs is some “Yakety Sax” as a soundtrack and it would be gold.
[H/T The700Level]
Photo by Robert Cohen/St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Apparently, it appears that it will be Albert Pujols news, all day, all night. According to a report from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, a security guard is presently stationed nearby the Albert Pujols statue. The statue, which was just unveiled in early November and is located in West Port Plaza near Albert Pujols’ restaurant, Pujols 5. Yeah, I’m sure business will be booming in that joint in the coming weeks and months.
Still, who felt it was necessary to post a security guard by the statue? What did they expect St. Louis residents to do? Arm themselves with pitchforks and torches, form an unruly mob and storm down to Pujols’ statue and tear it down, like what happened to Saddam Hussein’s statue? Further, what is Paul Blart, Plaza Cop going to do about it? Nevertheless, if such an ugly scene did in fact occur, I have a good idea who would be the leader of said mob.
My guess is this lady isn’t in the market for a discounted Albert Pujols Fathead. Suggestion: While watching the video of this angry, bathrobe-wearing mother dousing her Albert Pujols St. Louis Cardinals jersey with lighter fluid and then setting it ablaze while standing in the driveway while she reluctantly has her pyromaniacal tendencies documented by her son, play Jimi Hendrix’s “Fire” for appropriate background music. As Albert might say to Cardinals fans, “You don’t care about me, I don’t care about that.” Fitting.
On the other hand, if you are a despondent Cards fan and are feeling the burning and “Fire” just isn’t your cup of tea, you could alternatively find comfort by utilizing “Eternal Flame” by The Bangles for the video’s soundtrack. Close your eyes, gimme your hand, darlin’ and so on and so forth.
Do you feel the same? Come and ease the pain. Someone should sing that to the poor Mom up there in the video.
[Grazie, Rant Sports]
$31.41? How did the, uh, Setting the Price of Stuff Ad Wizards at Fathead come up with that one? Granted, there probably isn’t much of a demand any longer for a Fathead featuring Albert Pujols in a St. Louis Cardinals uniform, but what an odd price. What gives?
Actually, the reason behind the dramatically discounted price (down from $99.99) is quite simple, really. Thanks to the intrepid deduction techniques employed by Master Rick Chandler at Off the Bench, the $31.41 price is simply the present age of Albert Pujols and the age he will be when the 10-year, $230 million dollar deal he reportedly is set to sign with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of North America of Earth of the Solar System of the Orion-Cygnus Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy of the Universe reaches its end. Brilliantly executed, Setting the Price of Stuff Ad Wizards at Fathead. The owner of your company, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, is probably quite impressed with your handiwork, as he has pulled the same kind of stunt once before. Expect a congratulatory email in Comic Sans font.
Utterly fascinating. They talk like real people! You know, back and forth and communicating with words and stuff. Of course, the effortless give-and-take occurred before New England’s 31-24 win over the Peyton Manning-less Indianapolis Colts on Sunday, Dec. 4.
While the chitchat was nice and all, keeping in mind that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick were mic’d up for the game by the NFL probably caused the two to censor their comments a bit. My guess is hadn’t they been mic’d up, they would have made fun of Manning, calling him “Crippleneck” or “Goofyface” or “Cooper’s Brother” or perhaps something even worse. You know how mean boys can be on the playground.
Heck, maybe they even would have taunted Manning by singing “The Name Game” using Andrew Luck’s last name, which would have of course caused them to say the “F-bomb,” which is always hilarious. Darn wisenheimers.
[H/T Sports Grid]
It’s been a long time coming, kiddos, but the dawn of the Metta World Peace Era in the NBA is upon us, which I suppose is preferable to the Nuclear Winter Era of the NBA which was foreseen by David Stern during the lockout, which, given the Los Angeles Lakers forward’s moniker, is supremely fitting.
Butt as you can see, Ron Artest is no more, as far as NBA.com is concerned. Metta World Peace be his name, and he will be referred to as such by the NBA from this day forward. Happy days.
[H/T The Basketball Jones]
He cannot be serious, can he? Because if he is, pardon my French, but Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Talk about #Real…stupid.
But really, this has got to be some kind of joke, right? Right? At the same time, with all the money ESPN is paying this guy to churn out rehashed, hackneyed drivel, he probably does have enough cash just sitting there that he could use to pay lipreaders to stalk Tim Tebow on the sidelines. He is also a big enough of a doofus to come up with this kind of idiotic plan.
Let’s just hope he didn’t hire Marlee Matlin for the gig (/Seinfeld reference).
[via]
Well, isn’t that special? Competing in a World Cup race for the first time near her adopted hometown of Vail in Beaver Creek, Colo., Lindsey Vonn came away the winner of the Super-G event. And of course, as a nod to the patron saint of Colorado, Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, Vonn “Tebowed” on the winner’s podium after the race.
What made the move especially poignant was the fact that Robby Tebow, Tim’s brother, was a member of the skier’s so-called “Vonntourage” – they reportedly met at the ESPY Awards – lending credence to the unsubstantiated rumors swirling about that Vonn might be dating Tim Tebow or Robby Tebow (Vonn recently filed for divorce from her Thomas Vonn after four years of marriage).
Whether or not Vonn is romantically linked to one of the Tebow bros notwithstanding — the Olympics star requested permission from Robby Tebow to break out the Tebowing maneuver prior to implementing it:
“I asked him if Tim would be upset if I did it,” Vonn said. “I said that if I won in Colorado, I would do it, ‘Go Broncos.’ And I did it. Gotta represent.”
Gotta represent, indeed.
The Miami Marlins made a big free agency splash by signing former New York Mets shortstop Jose Reyes to a six-year, $106 million contract which was officially announced on Wednesday. Sadly for Reyes, while he is busy counting his money and getting acclimated to his new surroundings, he will have no choice but to take care of some personal grooming tasks.
Via Big League Stew comes news that it was made clear during the news conference that Reyes will have to adhere to team policy and get his trademark dreads cut off. The Marlins forced Hanley Ramirez to cut his hair during spring training in 2009 and it’s apparent they expect Reyes to do the same thing, as evidenced by the following statement made Wednesday by the team’s president:
“The answer is, there’ll be team rules. Everyone follows the team rules, whatever they are.”
The Miami Marlins president’s name? David Samson. Samson? Seriously? A guy named Samson is demanding that another man get his hair cut? Isn’t that ironic? Don’t you think?
Hey, it’s no worse than this Tim Tebow-inspired tattoo. That’s good for something, I guess.
Apparently, when the bells ring to announce the onset of “Tebow Time,” one of two things must happen: either it motivates one Tebowmaniac into getting the above tattoo where Tim Tebow is some kind of helmeted centaur or Tim Tebow literally metamorphizes into a centaur. I’m leaning towards the former as opposed to the latter, as I suspect Tebow would never allow himself to be transformed into a creature from pagan mythology. In only hope that TebowCenter had the good sense to highlight this guy’s tattoo when it aired earlier this afternoon.
It should be noted that the guy offered up the above photo to the folks on the Denver Broncos Forum to see what they thought of it and he’s kind of taking a beating for it. Poor guy. But hey, as alluded to above, I can think of one person who would likely marvel at this guy’s “Tim Tebow: Centaur” tattoo:
As the saying goes, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” And judging by this photo, George Karl had some serious game. He had so much game, in fact, that there were not enough interior pockets in that fantastic brown suit to store it all in. If that suit doesn’t scream “Ladykiller,” I don’t know if such styling duds existed in the 1970s that would help a young man achieve that status. Awesome.
[H/T @si_vault, via Ball Don't Lie]
