Archive for November, 2011
It’s amusing, you see, because the New England Patriots wide receiver is on the shorter side himself, coming in at a spry 5’9″. Can somebody say, “Napoleon Complex”? No really, can somebody say it for me? I haven’t been able to properly enunciate “x’s” since the “incident.” I’ll leave it at that.
Apparently, the little shindig Welker was throwing for family and friends was prior to the start of the season and Welker made the unique request as he was planning the event. Take it away, TMZ:
Still, sources connected to Welker tell TMZ … when the New England Patriots stud was putting together a party back in September, he contacted the service company and asked to have a couple of little people on the wait staff.
The company delivered — and we’re told Welker was super happy with the service. One source who attended the party tells us Welker was “really nice” to everyone … and probably got a kick out of not being the shortest guy in the room.
Ha! And how, TMZ. Shortest guy in the room. No word on whether Welker ordered the diminutive wait staff to perform a rendition of the “Lollipop Guild” song from The Wizard of Oz. Because that would have been a hoot. Especially if Welker would have joined in.
NFL Superstar Wes Welker: Call In the Little People!!! [TMZ]
Wow.
Via NMA World Edition:
Famed Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno has been fired as a shocking abuse scandal tears through the campus.
The pressure was on Paterno since the arrest of Athletic Director Tim Curley and another administrator, Gary Schultz. They are charged with lying to a grand jury and failing to report claims that a former football coordinator abused several young boys. Paterno also knew of the activity, but wasn’t charged with a crime.
At the center of the scandal is Jerry Sandusky, 67, who is facing 40 counts of various forms of abuse. Prosecutors say he was involved with eight boys between 1994 and 2009. Some sources claim there may be as many as 17 victims. Sandusky allegedly met his victims through his own youth charity, The Second Mile.
Curley and Schultz were made aware of the abuses in 2002 when they met with then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary, who reported seeing Sandusky with a 10-year-old boy in a school shower. Other incidents allegedly took place at Sandusky’s home and at a high school. One boy claimed Sandusky plied him with lavish gifts and marijuana.
The two administrators each posted $75,000 bail. Penn State is paying their legal fees, citing the charges have to do with how they performed their jobs. Sandusky was released on $100,000 bail.
Holy crap, they really outdid themselves with this one. Obviously, it should come as no surprise that the folks at NMA World Edition elected to take on the news that Joe Paterno was fired as Penn State coach on Wednesday night, but this animated report far exceeds many of the previous ones they have done, in both scope and bizarre imagery.
For instance, as mentioned above, Michael Jackson makes a cameo at the end of the report immediately following a scene where Paterno is characterized as a Pope-like figurehead. Then you have Jerry Sandusky as a drooling, predating cretin throwing passes to children on the football field who then morphs into a tiger — a tiger that is later seen pinning a zebra against a wall in the shower, which evidently is the most tasteful way in which to depict Sandusky’s alleged sick, twisted and disgusting behavior via Taiwanese animation. Weird. Make that beyond weird. And disturbing, yet not as disturbing as the real story, which in itself is a tremendously sad realization.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• One question: was it 30,000 Victoria’s Secret catalogs? /Seinfeld reference [msnbc]
• Terrible story: Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos reportedly has been kidnapped in Venezuela. [Big League Stew]
• If you haven’t seen it, check out this dude shred a 90-foot wave. It’s a world record, after all. [Off the Bench]
• Cam Newton feels like a failure. Sucks to be him. [Shutdown Corner]
• Solid parenting: a mother delayed her son’s appendectomy to she could see Manny Pacquiao. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Brooklyn Decker is going to play a game of H-O-R-S-E against Magic Johnson and James Worthy. [Busted Coverage]
• Here’s video of a parachutist landing on a soccer pitch. [The Slanch Report]
• And here’s Joakim Noah wearing a cowboy hat. Yee haw. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• How to dodge a dodgeball like a boss. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Here are some alternate titles to the new LeBron James book, The Whore of Akron. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time
Ha. Sassafras: it kicks ass. That’s good stuff. Few things are more amusing than fall foliage-related humor. Especially when it’s a-corny as this bit from Conan where Andy eschews the NBA due to the lockout and focuses on his Top 5 trees for fall foliage.
And man, I wish I had a Wall of Footballs. It would really “spruce” up the basement. Spruce. Get it?
[H/T Ball Don't Lie]
Consider my mind blowed. According to a report from the Chicago Tribune, the Bears quarterback’s icy facade briefly melted but for a moment and he actually cracked a smile during his weekly media session at Halas Hall on Wednesday. The reason? Talk of his supposed sweet buttocks region.
You may recall I briefly touched upon the tweet from Cutler’s special lady friend (are they dating again? I don’t know) Kristin Cavallari from Monday when she proclaimed that Cutler has the “best butt in football.” Of course, because reporters are like a bunch of giggling teenage girls and had no choice but to address it, Cutler was asked about the tweet praising his alleged primo posterior. Cutler, flashing a grin, said, “According to one person. I guess she’s biased.”
What a cad this Cutler is! Jeez, this guy. I guess everyone has a funny bone. Only in Cutler’s case, it’s in his butt.
Cutler up front regarding his rear [Chicago Tribune]
I am probably aging myself a bit here, but I remember the Christmas morning when I opened up my Nintendo Entertainment System. And if you had the complete NES package, as I did, you not only got the console, you also were supplied with the R.O.B. the Robot (which I loved — I mean, Gyromite? — forget about it) and the NES Zapper, which came with the most mind-blowing game of the time, Duck Hunt. In that day and age, the thought that you could point something at your television and what you did affected how well you played was state-of-the-freaking-art.
Which is probably why I particularly enjoyed this Brock Lesnar/Duck Hunt mashup more than the average person. Interspersing footage of Lesnar hunting with great quotes from the hulking brute while placing him within the game is beyond a hoot — or more fittingly, a quack — for me.
And all credit goes to the creator of this video. If you can turn a life-threatening case of diverticulitis into something humorous while incorporating a decades-old video game, well, good sir, you have stumbled upon a recipe for success. At least in my aged point of view.
Now get out of my romper room. I have a game of Stack-Up to play. Darn kids.
[H/T The Big Lead]
What the holy heck? Sure, Minnesota Twins outfielder Ben Revere may delight us with his slick fielding skills, as evidenced on more than one occasion during last season, and the feats of athleticism he displayed out in the field don’t even take into account his hilarious somersaulting triple, either. But even with those impressive skills in mind, I believe it goes without saying when looking upon his golf form and technique, that those attributes do not translate to the course. Ouch. Look at that.
To be fair, Revere, appears to be clowning a bit, especially in light of the tweet accompanying the above photo: “Is it better then Charles Barkley?” But there is no excuse whatsoever for the outrageous outfit he is seen sporting at the driving range on this particular day, which appears to have occurred on Tuesday. What is up with those socks? I do not have the foggiest idea what look he was trying to pull off here. Awkward, Uncoordinated Catholic School Girl, maybe?
[H/T RandBall]
As a guy getting up there in years by way of being in my 30s, not to mention my musical tastes leaning toward the eclectic side (no, not the electric slide, the eclectic side — that’s another story altogether), I will freely admit that not only to I own a few Lionel Richie albums, but I will also listen to them from time to time. I am sure that will elicit some guffaws and snorts from some of you whippersnapper hipsters out there, but try to not choke on your Pabst Blue Ribbons over it.
Nevertheless, the news that the Nashville Predators use Lionel Richie’s #1 hit from 1983, “All Night Long (All Night),” as their celebratory music in their locker room following wins surprises me just a bit. Don’t get me wrong, it is a great song and all, but I just don’t see a bunch of hockey players getting into an impromptu conga line and chanting along to:
Jambo nipe senti moja
Hey jambo jambo
Way to parti o we goin,
Hey jambo,
Jambo nipe senti moja
Yeah jambo jambo
Nor do I see them wanting to Party, Karamu, Fiesta, forever, for that matter, either, but apparently, it be true.
To answer the question posed in the above title quickly and clearly: absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.
I know it might come as a surprise to many of you, but the Sportress of Blogitude is geared more to be something of a sports humor sight — I know, shocking — and as alluded to and explained quite well by Burnsy over at With Leather, there isn’t really any way to go about trying to be funny or cracking wise about the horrible situation currently occurring at Penn State.
So, if you would like to avoid the sordid details and disgusting developments coming out of Happy Valley, you’re more than welcome to visit the Sportress and I will try my best to entertain, perhaps even amuse. Because as far as the Penn State scandal goes, I ain’t touching that hot mess with a 10-foot pole. At least within the scope of what attempt to accomplish inside the cozy confines of the Sportress.
And one last thought: the above video featuring LeBron James and Kevin Durant working out at the University of Akron? Yeah, that only serves to remind us that the NBA lockout is still on, too. Yippee.
[via]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• An unbelievable amount of contraband was discovered a surprise search of an Acapulco prison. The booty: two peacocks, 100 fighting cocks, 19 prostitutes and two sacks filled with marijuana, televisions, several bottles of alcohol and knives. Sounds like a killer place to do time. Unless you don’t like birds. [azcentral]
• Tim Tebow invited Dwight Howard and LeBron James to play for the Broncos. It just might work. No it won’t. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A Champions League soccer player named his newborn son “Trendy.” [Off the Bench]
• Yao Ming is attending classes at a University in China. [Ball Don't Lie]
• This is from last week, but I neglected to mention it: check out this WWF Wrestling Superstars Shootout Table Top Hockey Game. [Puck Daddy]
• Ladies and germs, The Shutdown Corner Halfway Point All-Overrated Team: Defense. [Shutdown Corner]
• A Welsh rugby player has a stroke, wakes up in the hospital, is gay. [The Slanch Report]
• Check out this Italian soccer announcer absolutely lose it during a goal call. [Awful Announcing]
• A Knicks blogger won an Emmy. Yay bloggers! [Bob's Blitz]
• Time for LOLNFL for Week 9. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A soccer player got a red card for taking his jersey off too early. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NBA Says They Can Still Salvage A 10-Game Season
At least I am inclined to assume no underwear was soiled during what appears to be a very strenuous attempt at weightlifting. And it’s not like I am looking for confirmation one way or the other. Let’s just go with the theory that no underwear soiled, nor was there any evidence of a rectal prolapse and go about our day. Deal?
Oh, and according to the caption accompanying this photo, what Maria Alexandra Escobar Guerrero is attempting at the World Weightlifting Championships is referred to as the “snatch and lift.” I ain’t touching that one.
[via]
In the above video, Scott Raab, Esquire writer, Clevelander, and most importantly, the author of the soon-to-be-released book, a scathing commentary on LeBron James entitled, The Whore of Akron, attempts to personally hand-deliver a copy of the book to LeBron James himself. And not even simply a copy, but a signed copy. Yeah, I’m sure James is dying to get his hands on a copy of the book.
Unfortunately for Raab, the home of LeBron James isn’t accessible to every kook who would like to walk up to the front door, so Raab has no choice but to leave it with a security guard inside the gate. So close, yet so far.
[H/T Pro Basketball Talk]
Good to know. Good to know. I am sure Miss Cavallari’s on-again, off-again beau is quite flattered by the very public compliment.
To quote one of the great characters in the history of cinema, Lloyd Christmas: “Yeah, he must work out.”
[via]
All I can say is, “Ouch.” That is indeed a frightening scenario. If there is one thing that will chill any Vikings fan to the bone, it would most certainly be having to jump ship and pledge their allegiance to the Green Bay Packers franchise, which would be the most geographically logical team to follow if the Minnesota state legislature flubs it up and fails to get a stadium deal accomplished post haste and the franchise has no choice but to leave town for sunnier climes, both in weather-related and business-wise terms.
I mean, strapping on a foam cheesehead and singing, “Go Pack Go!”? Cripes. All of a sudden I don’t feel so well.
Don’t allow this cruel fate to play out, Minnesota legislators. The blood will be on your hands.
[H/T Daily Norseman]
In a tweet Sunday, Washington Wizards guard/forward Nick Young vowed to never lace up a pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes ever again after the Charlotte Bobcats owner took a hardline stance against the players during lockout negotiations. Ouch.
How will Nike ever recover from this relatively meaningless dose of comeuppance? I suppose Young should be admired for taking a stand, but then again, it’s Nick Young. Granted, I’m not the biggest NBA fan, but when I case across the headline, “Nick Young Swears Off Jordan Brand Products” I went, “Who now?” I mean, had it been a tweet from Neil Young or Neil Diamond or ever Nick Nolte, I might have taken the line in the sand Young has drawn more seriously.
But to his credit, Young isn’t backing off from his threat. Actually, he points out that he didn’t even delete the tweet, which in this day and age when people go off half-cocked on Twitter than instantly delete the tweet or claim their account was hacked, means something. I guess.
[via]
