Archive for September, 2011
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• It took 18 years of not clipping her fingernails, but now Chris “The Dutchess” Walton is now the Guinness Book of World Record-holder of the person with the most disgusting fingernails on the planet. Her nails are 10-feet-2-inches on her left hand and 9-feet-7-inches on her right hand and make me want to vomit. Seriously, that is so gross. [Yahoo!]
• Josh Hamilton hits grand slam, wins free flooring for some very lucky customers. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Why is Tedy Bruschi so g-darned mad at Chad Ochocinco? [Awful Announcing]
• Here’s video of Sarah Palin doing highlights of the Michigan basketball team in 1987. Bow-chick-a-bow-wow. [Off the Bench]
• Check out this Auburn tailgate item: a casket turned into a cooler/grill. [Busted Coverage]
• After a pretty eventful weekend, the Auburn Eagle is doing quite well. [Rumors & Rants]
• Joe Johnson’s shoe closet is a sight to behold. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Here’s a photo of Redskins tight ends wearing tights. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Rangers fan catches foul ball, doesn’t stop talking on his cell phone. [Bob's Blitz]
• Offensive student section shirts. [TAUNTR]
• Yes! The Sex Cannon makes his triumphant return to KSK! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Bruce Springsteen Releases New Sci-Fi Concept Album About Struggles Of Poor Miners Working On Mars
Apparently the attention that comes with throwing for 500 yards in a Monday night season opener isn’t enough for Tom Brady. Speaking to reporters Wednesday, the Patriots quarterback made the following order to fans to ensure that they will be adequately primed and ready to cheer on the home team for New England’s late afternoon game against the San Diego Chargers on Sunday at Gillette Stadium (via myFOXBoston):
A reporter asked Brady if he had any message for the fans in anticipation of the home opener. Brady responded, “Yeah, start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s a 4:15 game, they’ll have a lot of time to get lubed up, come out here and cheer for the home team.”
Ha. Hilarious. A relatively innocuous comment, right? Well, except for the drunken beatings which seem to be occurring in NFL stadiums with frightening frequency these days. But this is Tom Brady we’re talking about, right? Brady wouldn’t want to send the message that he wants Patriots whipped up into a foaming-at-the-mouth, inebriated, bloodthirsty frenzy, correct?
Exactly. That wasn’t Brady’s intent at all, so said a team spokesperson later in the day:
A Patriots spokesman said later that Brady meant that the fans should stay hydrated, drink water and drink responsibly.
(re-reads Brady’s exact quote, takes a moment to contemplate)
Yep. That’s exactly what he meant by ordering them to “start drinking early” so that they are “nice and rowdy.” And the laughing by the reporters clearly indicates the seriousness of Brady’s comments about responsible alcohol intake. Further, there is nothing like drinking a lot of water early on during gameday to inspire a person to get nice and rowdy. Obviously, “lube up” means staying properly hydrated, too. I don’t even know why the Patriots felt compelled to have a spokesman clarify the meaning behind Brady’s comments. They are as crystal clear as a nice big glass of cool, refreshing water if you ask me.
Patriots back off Brady’s “Start Drinking Early” comment [myFOXBoston]
So, the lovely and talented Miss Erin Andrews did a photo shoot for SELF Magazine demonstrating a new kind of workout which typifies the kind of strenuous routines she has to undertake so she is able to capably elude the creepy old man clutches of Lee Corso during College GameDay road trips.
Apparently, the exercise routine Miss Andrews is demonstrating is referred to as a CrossFit Total-Body Workout, and what kind of sports blog would the Sportress be if I didn’t address the fact that Erin Pageviews just did a brand-spanking-new photo spread of her working out in spandex? A not-very-successful sports blog, I’ll tell you that much.
Further, it is hardly pandering to publish these photos. They are tasteful, come from a reputable periodical’s website and could really benefit some of the readers out there trying to figure out a way to get into shape. Nope. Not pandering at all.
Oh, did I mention there is a photo gallery and a video after the jump? I didn’t?
Sure, I’m pretty much just kowtowing for two corporate behemoths, but the entire concept behind having fans vote on whether or not they can forgive former Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman Leon Lett for his legendary mistake which occurred during a snowy 1993 Thanksgiving day game between America’s Team and the Miami Dolphins.
Down 14-13 with 15 seconds remaining in the game, the Dolphins lined up for a 41-yard field goal on the slick field. The attempt was blocked and the ball skidded across the icy surface harmlessly. That is, until Lett idiotically ran down the field to the ball and attempted to pick it up, which gave the Fins another chance at kicking a field goal, which they made. Ball game, Dolphins 16, Cowboys 14.
This is where the clever ad campaign picks up the story (via The Dallas Morning News):
The documentary is titled The Man Who Played Literally Hungry: Leon Lett and the True Story Behind His Infamous Thanksgiving Blunder . It plays off Snickers’ theme of tackling hunger with a Snickers candy bar and includes interviews with Cowboys Chad Hennings, Darrin Smith and Russell Maryland. Leon Lett’s defense? He played literally hungry, and thought the ball was a Snickers.
Fans can watch the documentary and vote on whether they forgive Leon for just playing hungry. If there are 25,000 votes to forgive him, Snickers will honor him when the Cowboys play the Dolphins on Thanksgiving Day this season in Cowboys Stadium.
Ha. Well done. There is a four-part video series regarding Lett’s tragic — but possibly redemptive — tale available for viewing at NFL.com. Unfortunately, they are not embeddable, but they are worth a look-see.
Can you forgive Leon Lett for his Thanksgiving Day blunder? Snickers pleads his case [The Dallas Morning News]
Hey, let’s give credit where credit is due: not many serious journalists could pull off that outfit. Maybe Mike Lupica — he has the legs of a ballet dancer (so I’ve heard) — but that’s a story for another time.
Anyhoo, super-serious sports journalist (not to mention principled) hoochie mama Ines Sainz made her sexy, triumphant return to the Jets practice facility on Wednesday dressed to kill. You may recall the media firestorm which was set ablaze the last time she sashayed her way into the hearts, minds and perhaps additional, assorted body parts of Jets players last year, so it will remain to be seen what kind of self-serving controversy her latest visit will elicit. Perhaps none, but who’s to say? All I know is she looks absolutely fabulous and does not need to apologize for her appearance whatsoever. Further, I have no doubt she behaved like a complete and utter professional. You know, like she always does.
[image via @RodBoone via Deadspin]
There might be a Wookie mixed in there along with a Tusken Raider thrown in as well, which is nice. And here’s how I envision how the dialogue went:
Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification.
Obi-Met: [with a small wave of his hand] You don’t need to see his identification.
Stormtrooper: We don’t need to see his identification.
Obi-Met: These aren’t the fans you’re looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren’t the fans we’re looking for.
Obi-Met: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.
Obi-Met: Move along.
Stormtrooper: Move along… move along.
What? Yes, I agree, it was completely unoriginal going the above route, but what did you expect me to do? Work for it? I’d rather kiss a Wookie.
As you can see, it was “Star Wars Night” on Tuesday at Citi Field. And according to a New York Times report, it was also “Stand Up to Cancer Night … and Stitch n’ Pitch Night … and Filipino Heritage Night.” Hoo boy. Filipinos and Star Wars nerds intermingling? That could have gotten real ugly real fast. Thankfully, it did not and both groups went about their business of watching the Mets lose. Again. No “New Hope” on this night, Mets fans.
A Night for Everyone but the Mets [New York Times]
First it was Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly calling it quits, now we have another sad tale of how a New York Yankees player and his actress girlfriend just couldn’t make it work due to the demands of their respective, high-profile careers.
Yep, sad but true: US Weekly has reported that Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz (shown above, in happier, popcorn-feeding-at-the-Super-Bowl times) have split.
What happened? Sources say it was their steely-eyed focus to honing their crafts (via the New York Daily News):
“She’s very busy with her career,” the source says of Bad Teacher actress Diaz, 39. “And he’s had injuries and wants to focus on his game. They’re dedicated professionals.”
Accordingly, don’t expect any drama in the wake of their split. “They’re still very friendly and like each other,” the source says. “He has an enormous amount of respect for her.”
Enormous respect, they say? I wonder if his respect was so enormous he commissioned a painting of her as a Kentauride, otherwise known as a female centaur to go along with the one he reportedly had of himself:
Ha. That morbidly obese photo (can a picture be morbidly obese?) of Terrence Cody from the Senior Bowl when he was still at Alabama will never, ever get old or awkwardly unfunny. Heh. Moobs.
Congrats on the weight loss, Terrence Cody, and thanks for providing me another opportunity to use it once again.
Ravens DT Terrence Cody dropped 65 pounds for 2011 season [Shutdown Corner]
Sigh. Another day, another sports figure receives the much ballyhooed Taiwanese animation treatment. Yesterday, it was the report regarding Serena Williams verbally abusing the chair umpire at the U.S. Open, now we get Manny Ramirez allegedly laying the smack down on his wife and getting charged with misdemeanor domestic battery.
While the gravity of the charges, not to mention the cowardice of Ramirez’s actions (if the allegations prove to be true) are no laughing matter, it is hard to suppress chuckling when watching any of these Taiwanese CGI re-creations. I mean, why would Manny be wearing a baseball uniform? And I love how his “jail” in a baseball stadium and how he hands a bagful of money to umps in order to be released from custody.
On second thought, perhaps their is some symbolism going on with the choices the animators made which needs to be interpreted. Maybe to Manny, baseball was a jail of sorts and now that he is free from the chains which bound him, he is free to be himself, which evidently involves slapping around his wife. Not good. Not good for anybody.
On Saturday night, the Arizona Diamondbacks commemorated the 10th anniversary of their thrilling World Series victory over the New York Yankees in 2001. To honor the occasion, Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling, among others, were on hand to celebrate their hard-fought, thrilling championship, with Johnson and Schilling given the task of throwing out the ceremonial first pitches prior to the game.
Johnson gave a good accounting of himself, delivering a nice toss to his catcher. Schilling, on the other hand, did not perform quite as admirably, airmailing his pitch way over the catcher’s head. One would thing Schilling would be better able to groove one right into the catcher’s mitt with nary a thought nor any effort.
But you know what? Schilling is only considered one of the best pitchers of the modern era, it’s not like we should expect any more out of him, then say, Carl Lewis or the countless others who have embarrassed themselves performing what appears to be a relatively benign task of throwing a baseball from about fifty feet. Maybe he was just really excited about the night and the tremendous honor…not to mention the enticing smells wafting from the concession stands.
Ah, I kid, I kid. He doesn’t look that bad. Except for the, you know, entire throwing-a-baseball thing.
[H/T HuffPo]
Of course, this is all merely speculation, but would you get a look at that t-shirt Spanish golfer Miguel Ángel Jiménez is wearing? I could be wrong, but to me, it looks like the shirt features a dreadlocked lion (or tiger, hard to say), wearing sunglasses and puffing on a doobie. That is one far out shirt, man. And Miguel sure seems proud of it, doesn’t he?
The snapshot comes courtesy of Ian Poulter’s Twitter account, and while it is certainly within the realm of possibility that a person who doesn’t smoke marijuana might wear such an outrageous shirt, when you take into account Jiménez’s bizarre stretching routine which was captured by cameras during the Open Championship at Royal St. George’s earlier this summer, well, it all kind of makes sense now, doesn’t it?
It has been a very trying year for Chicago White Sox skipper Ozzie Guillen. Now that he and his team find themselves once again prematurely out of the pennant race, it’s high time for Ozzie and the entire White Sox organization to take stock and assess exactly what transpired over the last six months to leave them 12.5 games back in the Al Central. A personal, as well as professional, inventory, if you will.
That is exactly what CSN Chicago’s Chuck Garfien was trying to get at when he asked Ozzie what grade he would give himself for how he performed in his job this season. Of course, his response came with the typical Ozzie-ness we have all come to love.
Garfien tweeted Ozzie’s unique self-assessment, which was picked up by Hardball Talk:
“Z for Zorro. I don’t think I did a good job.”
Awesome answer, although it is really lacking in, you know, what grades are typically given out, at least in American education institutions. Perhaps Guillen means he did his job so poorly this season, there isn’t even a grade for it. But how can he go and play The Gay Blade like that? I heard Zorro was an excellent student. Flamboyant, sure, but dedicated to his studies.
[@ChuckGarfien (via Hardball Talk)]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A 6-foot, 290-lb New York man is suing White Castle after he alleges he became embarrassed after trying to squeeze himself into what he says are far too small of booths in one of their restaurants. Martin Kessman says while trying to force himself into the booth he slammed his knee into the post underneath the table, causing significant pain. The federal lawsuit claims the booths are in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act. Wait. Weighing 290 pounds means your disabled? Sounds to me the only disability this guy has is the inability to stop pounding White Castle’s delicious, delicious hamburgers. Try mixing in a salad every once in a while, porky. But to be honest, it is hard to refuse the siren song that is a sack of sliders. Now I’m hungry. [Yahoo!]
• Many, many years ago, former NBA star Glen Rice and Sarah Palin had a one-night stand. Bow-chick-a-bow-wow. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Yeah, Timberwolves new head coach Rick Adelman and T-Wolves exec David Kahn are probably not going to be Facebook friends. [The Basketball Jones]
• The new show, Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable, is highly questionable. [Awful Announcing]
• The Miami Dolphins cut Benny Sapp after one game one day after being burned on the Patriots’ 99-yard TD pass. [Rumors & Rants]
• Is Tigers catcher Alex Avila’s mask made out of flint or something? [Bob's Blitz]
• Here are some photos of Erin Andrews working out in spandex for a magazine shoot. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• LeBron James made fun of Dwyane Wade’s feet on Twitter. Okay. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• (Photo) Manny Ramirez exits jail with incredibly hard nipples. Gross. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Speaking of Manny’s exit from jail, he is now guilty of wanton microphone abuse. [Off the Bench]
• Photo gallery: the best shoes in sports. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Area Grandmother Can’t Believe They Let People With Tattoos on ‘The Price Is Right’
Dear Lord, what in the holy hell is this? Further, why in the holy hell did this guy, who goes by the moniker, Big Philly Fan, ever think that not only was it a great idea to write a parody song about the Phillies to the tune of Jennifer Lopez’s “On The Floor” (fittingly entitled “Phillies On The Floor”), but then to actually record record himself performing it and then uploading the abomination to the internet? I am not kidding, I was left significantly less creeped out after watching Buffalo Bill’s twisted performance of “Goodbye Horses” in The Silence of the Lambs for the first time. And that’s saying something.
Just to better paint the picture, here is the description of the video from YouTube:
Big Philly Fan is hyped about the Phillies right now. Here’s a music video parody that shows my love for them. Also welcome back the Hat.
Welcome back, the Hat. Nice to see you again.
I’m also referencing other Phillies fans in my video. In no way am I trying to steal their thunder, so don’t call me a copier.
Never would think of ever doing such a thing. You sir, are no copier. Nor a thunder-stealer, for that matter.
>Note: The song parodied is “On The Floor” performed by Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull, owned by Island Records.
Don’t worry, Big Philly Fan, I doubt J Lo will be coming after you for this one.
All images of the Philadelphia Phillies belong to their respective owners and Major League Baseball.
Indeed.
Chunky Kong is property of Nintendo.
Of course Chunky Kong is property of Nintendo, good sir. Of course he is.
[H/T Sports Pickle]
At least that is the only reasonable explanation I can arrive at after reading the comments Jones made on Tuesday to the Dallas Cowboys flagship station, KRLD-FM, regarding what he saw as he watched yet another epic meltdown by his franchise quarterback during Sunday night’s loss to the New York Jets.
Harsh criticism regarding Tony Romo’s putrid performance and its frequent, prevalent role when the Cowboys come up short (as they have repeatedly done ever since Romo’s arrival) has been nearly universal — if you don’t believe me, have a look-see around the interwebs — but that’s not the way Jerry Jones saw it, presumably wearing the goggles he had on loan from Bizzaro Superman (via Sports Radio Interviews):
“I thought this may draw a little criticism. I thought Tony played one of the best games I have ever seen him play. You can make a big case that the way he played for three quarters was how we got there at the end and looked like we were for sure going to get the win. He played outstanding, the game has really slowed down for him which is a very good thing, he’s seeing where the ball out to go, all those things bode well for us”
(attempts to look up alternate definition of the word “outstanding,” head asplodes)
But wait. There’s more.
“He’s a winner and we are going to rise and fall based on what Tony Romo is about the next several years and I’m excited about that. We’ve got somebody here where if we can get some other things together we can have a team that gets us in a position to take a shot.”
(attempts to look up alternate definition of the word “winner,” head asplodes, again)
Hey, Jerry, can I borrow those Bizarro Goggles when you’re done with them? I just received my retirement account statements in the mail and I’d like to take a gander at them. Apparently, those goggles you have in your possession work pretty darn well in making horrible things look great.
Jerry Jones on Tony Romo’s Game Sunday: “I thought Tony played one of the best games I have ever seen him play” [Sports Radio Interviews]
