Archive for September, 2011
All this time, I thought me and Mariano Rivera were a lot alike, had a shared trait, a common interest, but no, turns out the legendary New York Yankees closer has been playing me (and all of you) for simpleminded, gullible saps. Sure, both Mariano and I share a common heritage — we’re both Irish-Italian — but now I find out he wasn’t even behind the choice to blast Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” at Yankee Stadium when he made his way from the bullpen to the mound to saw off some more hitter’ bats, leaving them speechless, emasculated and awed. Nope. Talk about feeling like a duped chump.
The guilt, the lying, the effort required to maintain the misleading charade finally must have become too much for Rivera to bear, as the closer has finally fessed up to not picking his own entrance music. Via SI:
“I never said that I didn’t like it, but I didn’t care about the song,” Rivera said. “I didn’t pick the song. I don’t pay attention to the music. When I go in there, I’m going to business.”
Well, good for you, Mariano Rivera. I’m really glad you don’t pay attention to the music. But how do you think that makes me feel, much less the guys from Metallica? They’re probably crushed.
Yeah, it turns out Yankees brass were impressed at how Padres fans would get worked up into a lather when Trevor Hoffman would storm onto the field to AC/DC and decided they needed something like that for their closer. Figures.
I still can’t believe it, though. Talk about being played for a fool. The next thing you’ll tell me is that not every Red Sox fan loves “Sweet Caroline”. But I know better. “Enter Sandman” is one thing, but how can’t you love everything about Neil Diamond?
Rivera on Sandman: I didn’t pick the song [SI]
It has been often said — or it has never been said ever and I’m just making it up in a desperate attempt to come up with a reasonable justification for this post — that you can learn a lot about a person simply through their choice of Twitter avatar. And in Arianny Celeste’s case, we can learn this: she’s mighty purty.
Miss Celeste made the announcement regarding her updated avatar earlier Friday afternoon:
In honor of the end of summer and all my #ff love…new avatar and u can see photog Charlie Langella in the background. 
Not many times will I do this, but I have to agree with Arianny Celeste:
Oh, and there is one more thing I have learned through this hackneyed exercise to curry favor with my male readers: this Charlie Langella is one lucky fella. Hey, I also learned I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it. Talk about a beneficial blog post. You see, we’re all about educating the masses and self-discovery here at the Sportress. You’re welcome.
[via @AriannyCeleste]
Good golly, Miss Molly. That looked painful.
The early leader in “Ultra-Violent, Super-Vicious, Head-Snapping, Bone-Crushing, Football Hit of the Year” (brought to you by our sponsor, punctuation mark the hyphen) comes courtesy of the punishing shot Drew Yeargin, a safety for the University of the Cumberlands (Ky.), laid on poor, poor Ryan Bouldin, who, presumably, is a still a running back for the University of Virginia-Wise. That is, unless he got wise and decided not to play football any longer (see what I did there?).
Anyhoo, as Bouldin is reaching up to catch a little pseudo-flare pass, he takes his eyes off the field in front of him and Yeargin takes full advantage of Bouldin’s vulnerability as he lowered the boom on the running back who had no idea he was about to take a ride on the NAIA Pain Train. And as Nick Bromberg over at Dr. Saturday pointed out, the hit appeared to be clean.
Sweet mercy, did that guy get de-cleated or what? Not only de-cleated, but de-mouthguarded as well. I mean, he got knocked into next week. He was dropped like a bag of dirt. There were two hits: Yeargin hitting Bouldin and Bouldin hitting the turf. He nearly got flipped like a cheese omelette. So, uh, are any of these old lines my old man used to say, including one in the title, doing anything for you? Go ahead, laugh it up. You weren’t there.
Hidden Video: NAIA safety delivers devastating hit [Dr. Saturday]
Mark the time down in your diaries, kiddos, because just a short while ago, Ron Artest’s attorney, Nahla Rajan, appeared solo before Superior Court Judge Commissioner Matthew C. St. George (now that’s a business card) and at approximately thirty seconds after 9:50 a.m. PST, when Rajan informed the court his client would not be making it to the hearing, in a flash (and perhaps a gavel tap?), Ron Artest was no more. He is officially and legally recognized as Metta World Peace. And if you ask me, the world is a better place for it.
Some brief background on the name choice, in case you haven’t heard (via the Los Angeles Times):
According to World Peace’s publicist, Courtney Barnes, the Lakers forward had been contemplating the switch for years but “it took years of research and soul-searching to find a first name that was both personally meaningful and inspirational.” Metta is a Buddhist term that means loving kindness and friendliness toward others.
Yes, years of research and soul-searching. Pretty much the same way I came up with the internet moniker Weed Against Speed, except for the years of research and soul-searching stuff.
But with that, a new era has arrived in human history. And Metta World Peace will lead us out of the fray, the hate and the bitterness into a much more beautiful existence here on Earth. As soon as he’s done with Dancing With The Stars, of course.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Artest becomes Metta World Peace! [Los Angeles Times]
The interwebs thoroughly enjoyed Coastal Carolina head coach David Bennett’s performance art-quality storytelling when video of his amazing press conference emerged where he illustrated that his team needed more players with dog-like mentalities by spinning a yarn about a cat who got trapped inside his kitchen due to a malfunctioning screen door. It was a hoot.
Well, ESPN finally got its talons into the southern-drawling coach and took part in an interview with some random anchor on SportsCenter. The entire three minutes is a delight to listen to, but Bennett nailed exactly what causes viral videos to become, um, so viral.
Random SportsCenter anchor: When you started hearing about how this went viral and was being played on ESPN all day and into the next week as it was just now, what was your reaction to that?
Coach Bennett: Y’all hard up for news. Must’ve been a slow day.”
Brilliant. His keen grasp of how the interwebs truly work is impressive. He’s like the Al Gore of YouTube or something.
[H/T Sports Grid (via Off the Bench)]
Yeah. Perhaps more than any other, this gal’s initially-failing-but-hastily-edited sign provides more than a sufficient reason why it wasn’t the best idea for Mississippi State to cancel classes on Thursday in advance of their football team’s big matchup with LSU.
But you have to give her credit for recognizing the error and fixing it. As Depeche Mode once sang, “Everything conts in large amounts”. I mean “counts.”
[image via @ClayTravisBGID]
Kinky. Brad Pitt wouldn’t have put up with those kind of shenanigans.
An in-shape Hill, on a whirlwind promotional tour to pimp his new flick, Moneyball, is touring major league baseball stadiums from sea to shining sea in this great nation of ours and it appears a component of said tour — at least at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington Thursday evening — will involve Hill throwing out the ceremonial first pitch (video follows).
But one unfortunate byproduct of visiting the ballpark Thursday night was the overaggressive nature of Rangers Captain, the horndogging mascot of the Rangers. I mean look at that. Rangers Captain is really going to town on Jonah’s head. He’s treating his cranium like it is a slat lick, for Pete’s sake. That can’t be an enjoyable experience…unless you’re in to that kind of stuff.
How about we move along from such depravity and see how Hill fared on the mound. Given the typical achievement level of ceremonial first pitchers (I’m looking at you, Curt Schilling, and about a thousand other people), it shouldn’t be too difficult to put on a respectable showing.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Police in Conway, Arkansas have received complaints from two women who claim a man approached them and asked to suck on their toes. One of the alleged victims, an 83-year-old woman sitting on her porch, said a man came up to her, said he liked her feet, removed her shoe and began sucking on her toes. The other victim, a woman at a mall who was informed by the toe-sucker that “her toes are so long and succulent,” said the assailant had “messed up toes.” So, it’s a crime inspired by jealousy, perhaps? [Yahoo!]
• A welcome sight: after suffering a seizure during the team’s game last Saturday, Minnesota Gophers coach Jerry Kill was back at practice Thursday. [SB Nation]
• Provocative headline: “World Cup rugby player accused of groping woman during dwarf-tossing contest” [Off the Bench]
• The BYU Cougars have released a video instructing its football fans how to cheer correctly. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A 7-foot Russian boxer is obsessed with tracking down a Bigfoot. Who tweets. [With Leather]
• Carmelo Anthony’s latest signature Jordans are pretty sweet. [The Basketball Jones]
• Shaquille O’Neal has gone on record that he will never be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Good to know. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Better Dirk Nowitzki tattoo: the back tat or the ass tat? You be the judge. [Busted Coverage]
• If the fall movies were about sports. [Sports Pickle]
• Of course Tommy from Quinzee has some thoughts regarding Tom Brady’s comments about Patriots fans needing to get “lubed up.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The gals from the Cal basketball team sing and dance to Montell Jordan. Awkwardly. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Opinion: Well, I Guess I’ll Just Take My Business To Another Soulless Multinational Corporation (by Mary-Lynn Davies)
First arising way back in late June, the Amarillo Sox mascot costume that set the internets ablaze with its uncanny and unfortunate resemblance to how one would imagine how an already phallic-looking mascot might appear with an erection — not that one should be imagining such things, pervert — the minor league team, in light of the massive, um, unintentionally hilarious attention the costume garnered, has decided to put the costume up for auction on eBay:
Featured in Sports Illustrated, the Huffington Post, Failblog and many others, now is the opportunity to purchase this piece of Amarillo baseball lore for a great cause. The Amarillo Sox are incredibly excited to feature this one-of-a-kind item to the public.
Portions of the proceeds will be donated to four separate Amarillo charities during the 2012 season chosen by the Amarillo Sox organization.
The “Buy It Now” price is a cool $25,000 with a minimum opening bid of $5,000. Well, it is for a good cause, so get a couple of your sickee friends together and you and your pals can take turns wearing it to mascot orgies, or whatever it is one might do with such an interesting item. I would advise, however, not to use the costume to entertain children at birthday parties. Probably wouldn’t go over too well. Just a hunch.
[H/T Deadspin]
October 24, 2011: The Day The Machines Took Over
His name? Evolta. The corporation we will one day blame for their hand in the Rise of the Machines? Panasonic. That’s right, Evolta, all 20-inches of him and in three different body fittings, will compete in one of the toughest, most grueling, athletic competitions known to mankind: the seven-day, seven night (for humans) Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii.
Via msnbc:
“This is very tough even for a sportsman, but I think it is worth a challenge,” said Tomotaka Takahashi, who created the green-and-white toy-like robot.
“The robot will encounter a lot of hardships on its way, but I hope it will overcome them all and succeed in the end,” he added.
The robot will have to swim, run and bike for a total of approximately 143 miles. The time given to complete the task is one week or 168 hours, which is ten times longer than it would take a sportsman.
“Evolta’s height is just one-tenth of a grown man, so we figured out that it would take it 10 times more time,” Takahashi added.
Video report follows.
His superhero name? Long Underwear Man, of course. A very brief bio of the self-anointed superhero from his YouTube page (yes, he has a YouTube page — and a Facebook page, too), via The700Level:
Ohhhh-kay, then. Whatever that means. And don’t go trying to find out his secret identity. He keeps that kind of information pretty close to the vest, or long underwear, as it were. Under “Occupation,” Long Underwear Man writes, “Will not say.” Fair enough.
I concede this odd man who one day might save your life at a Comic Con is barely sports- related, other than the Phillies hat, of course. But you know what? Between this presumed Phillies fan and the Jennifer Lopez-inspired parody song about the Phillies by Big Philly Fan (as well as many, many other examples – Elusive Citizens Bank Park Dumpster Hippie Phillies Fan, Taser Phillies Fan, Philly Red Man Fan, Will-Have-Sex-For-World-Series-Tickets Phillies Fan, to name a few , I am beginning to suspect that there are a lot Phillies fans out there who might not be right in the head. It’s just they haven’t done anything yet to attract attention to their “not-right-in-the-head-ness.” Yet.
[H/T The700Level]
That. Is. Awesome.
I know what you’re thinking: “Other than being a degenerate freak, why would ESPN’s resident hack columnist Rick Reilly willingly eat discarded foodstuffs off some mangy carpet?” First of all, you are correct in saying that Rick Reilly is a degenerate freak. Secondly, to answer your question, he essentially backed himself into a corner through which he was forced to lie down on a patch of gross carpet littered with popcorn by writing the following regarding Peyton Manning’s troublesome neck issues back on Aug. 30:
Peyton Manning will keep his streak alive. If you think he’s going to miss a start because of a neck problem, you’ve been chugging paint thinner. This guy hasn’t missed a start since 1994 at Tennessee. Do you know how long ago it was when Manning didn’t start for the Colts? Google was two days old. Kim Kardashian was 17. Russell Crowe was skinny! If Manning doesn’t start Game 1, I will come to your house and eat things that are stuck in your carpet.
That’s what he gets for trying to be so damn clever with his writing. Hopefully, Reilly will continue on to write his hackneyed columns in which he makes statements that require him to do more disgusting things for our collective amusement.
[H/T @richarddeitsch (via Sports Grid)]
Last week, the Sportress touched upon the nightmare fuel-inducing nature of the Pittsburgh Steelers-Steely McBeam Pillow Pet. Today, I have come across a whole heaping load of NFL team Pillow Pets, and let me tell you, the initial dread I felt considering what sort of terrors were about to be released upon the innocent children of NFL fans was instantly lessened when I took a gander at the offerings from other NFL teams. So unlike the terror-inspiring Steely McBeam abomination.
I mean, take a look at the Dallas Cowboys Pillow Pet. Now if that thing ain’t adorable, well, shoot, I don’t know what could be considered adorable. I mean, that’s as cute as the praise Jerry Jones heaped upon Tony Romo for his woeful performance last Sunday night against the Jets.
On the particular site I came across, only nineteen of the teams in the National Football League are represented in the magical Pillow Pet Kingdom. Perhaps there are more and every team has their very own Pillow Pet — the fact that Steely McBeam Pillow Pet conspicuously is not on the site lends credence to that possibility — but just for the fun of it, how about we take a look at the 18 additional Pillow Pets and marvel at their respective adorableness?
It’s funny because these are not the kind of clothes these guys would usually wear. In public, at least.
Courtesy of Toronto Blue Jays starting pitcher Ricky Romero comes additional images of rookie baseball players forced into wearing silly costumes for the amusement of their teammates. This time, it’s catcher J.P. Arencibia (left) and third baseman Brett Lawrie (right) who were the poor souls subjected to costume-based hazing. Nice tutu, Lawrie. It goes well with the tattoo and the black shoes and socks. And I don’t know what the heck is going on with Arencibia’s superhero costume.
Additional photo of Lawrie fielding questions from reporters in his goofy getup follows.
All of you fans of opposing clubs who boo, hiss and taunt Cristiano Ronaldo when he comes to play against your favorite squad? You are all jealous haters. At least that’s what Ronaldo had to say after his Real Madrid beat Dinamo Zagreb 1-0 in Champions League play in a match which featured a bevy of boos directed at the superstar forward.
While making whiny post-match comments about how the referees don’t protect him like they do other “good players,” Ronaldo also took a moment to point out the reason behind the many ways it is so hard for him to just be himself in this cruel, cruel world, which are mainly due to his skills, success and devastating handsomeness. Via The Guardian:
“I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation.”
Nope, no other explanation is possible, and boy, do I know how that goes. Haters wanna hate, amirite? Me and Ronaldo? We are like two peas in a pod. You know, except for the being rich and a great soccer player part. Also, he might have the edge on me on the whole handsome thing, too. But other than that, it would be hard to differentiate the two of us if he were standing side by side.
Cristiano Ronaldo: people boo me ‘because I am rich and handsome’ [The Guardian]
