Archive for September, 2011
To keep playing basketball during the NBA lockout, Denver Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson opted to sign on with Lithuanian team Zalgiris Kaunas. As part of his deal with the team, Zalgiris Kaunas provided him a spiffy little Renault to tool around in and get back and forth from games and practices. As you can see, Lawson’s name is prominently featured on the driver’s door panel as well as his signature and what I presume to be the team’s logo, which leads me to the assumption that this would be a terrible automobile to use to pull off bank robberies. Or speed away after an unfortunate hit and run. Or attempting to travel incognito through the streets of Lithuania. Or trying to not look like a huge dork.
But hey, it was free. And he is in Europe, after all. They’re all weird over there anyway. Maybe all Europeans have their names on the side of their cars. I guess it would make for less occurrences of road rage, or at the very least, you could cuss out a person who cut you off by name. That would be nice.
[H/T @BBallWorldLTU (via Pro Basketball Talk)]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A 77-year-old man from Ukraine tragically expired after winning a dumpling eating contest in the town of Tokmak. Ivan Mendel ate 10 dumplings in 30 seconds to win but began feeling ill a short time later and died. The prize for winning the contest? A 1-liter bottle of sour cream. Well, I guess there are some things that make sense to risk your life, and a tub of sour cream is certainly one of them. [Yahoo!]
• Ivan Tkachenko, the captain of Lokomotiv Yaroslavl and one of the many players and coaches who died in the tragic plane crash, was secretly donating money to sick kids. [Puck Daddy]
• For the first time in 30 years, the Detroit Lions are favored in Minnesota. As a Vikings fan, all I have to say is this: sigh. [Shutdown Corner]
• A 14-year-old student with autism was handcuffed and subsequently suspended for running across a football field during a game while wearing a banana suit. [Off the Bench]
• A man charged with stealing Miami Dolphins jerseys wore a Miami Dolphins jersey to his court hearing. [The Slanch Report]
• Check out this massive game of dodgeball. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Rollings Stone has named Charles Barkley one of the best characters on television. [Ball Don't Lie]
• What should be everybody’s new favorite TUMBLR: “F*ck Yeah! Nancy Grace Monster Jams.” [With Leather]
• Ladies and gentlemen: “The Many Dives of Deon Grant.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Blake Griffin’s Funny or Die video: “Flight of the Griffins.” [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: Majority Of Baseball Players Swallow Up To Six Baseballs In Their Sleep Per Year
Fantastic. Utterly and completely fantastic.
Below are some of the initial entries celebrating the newfound meme.
And yes, if you are laughing at this little dude and his epic mullet, you are a terrible person and will burn in Hell. Just like me. Sigh.
[H/T BuzzFeed]
Good golly, can West Virginia University possibly do anything more to attract attention to a seemingly meaningless issue? Last week, Oliver Luck, WVU’s athletic director, published an open letter on the school’s athletics website pleading with fans to stop wearing “West F**kin’ Virginia” shirts or any variation of that theme to home games, as they are “not the image of our University and our state that we want to promote,” among other things.
While that’s all well and good — I guess — the school has taken it a step further as the university has issued a press release offering amnesty to West F**kin’ Virginia t-shirts in the guise of a $20 voucher for any other WVU athletics apparel redeemable at the WVU Bookstore, Book Exchange or the Team Shop in the Coliseum, just so long as the cretins formally surrender their vulgar shirt. The key is according to the press release, the shirts will be accepted “no questions asked,” lest the Anti-West F**kin’ Virginia Gestapo take you into custody for interrogation and torture. “WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS SHIRT????” “I’M TELLIN’ YA, I DON’T F**KIN’ KNOW!!!”
The student group Mountaineer Maniacs are the organization leading the charge against free speech and high comedy. From WVU Today (via Sports Grid):
“This is a great opportunity for students to make the right decision and gain something in return for having great sportsmanship,” said Maniacs Director Steve Staffileno. “The Mountaineer Maniacs always promote positive sportsmanship from all WVU students and fans.
“The chance to receive legitimate West Virginia Mountaineer apparel in return for one of these other offensive shirts should be taken advantage of by everyone.”
“The T-shirt Amnesty program is a great step toward showcasing our fan base as one of the rowdiest yet most respectful in the country,” said Student Government Association President Jason Bailey. “I have a little sister and brother at home, ages 5 and 10, who will be watching the game on TV. I personally don’t want them to see vulgar T-shirts on TV, but I do want them to witness the intensity behind our Mountaineer pride. This program still gives students the chance to exercise their free speech rights, but it also highlights the importance of what it means to be a Mountaineer.”
Ah yes, “legitimate West Virginia Mountaineer apparel.” Sounds pretty f**kin’ boring if you ask me.
[H/T Sports Grid]
During a meeting with the media Wednesday, Laron Landry stated in a colorful way that he fully intends to return to the lineup for Monday night’s game against the Dallas Cowboys. Via The Washington Post:
“Don’t calm me down. Let me go,” Landry said. “Untame this beast, man. It’s been a while.”
Well, I’m certainly not going to argue with the guy. Look at him. For a second there, I was afraid this undated photo of him was going to spring to life and leap through my monitor and pummel me.
Landry last saw regular season NFL action last Nov. 15 when he suffered a season-ending Achilles’ tendon injury. A hamstring pull during a preseason game further delayed his return to full-on Beast Mode.
With all the talk of needing to be untamed and being a beast and all that, Landry presumably spent a bulk of his time when not rehabbing his injuries watching the 1993 classic film, Untamed Heart. Or the NatGeo channel. One of the two. Or maybe a weekend trip to New Hampshire to ride the Untamed roller coaster turned him on to the untamed line of thinking. But if it were Untamed Heart, I wonder if he cried at the tragic ending of that film. Not that I did, of course. I save my weeping for The Notebook, like any self-respecting pansy man.
‘Untame this beast’: Redskins S LaRon Landry anticipates return for Cowboys game Monday night [The Washington Post]
Jeez, even LeBron James is getting in on the “Ripping LeBron James” action. And it’s in a McDonald’s commercial for their Monopoly game, no less. Good on you, LeBron.
Advertising Age has the scoop (via SB Nation):
In Mr. James’ spot, the voice-over begins to say what the odds of LeBron James winning seven championships are, only to be interrupted by Mr. James, who says, “Aw, c’mon man.” Then the voice-over adds, “Odds of LeBron winning a prize, one in four.”
Awesome. And apparently, James was gung-ho on taking a shot at himself. Said Douglas Freeland, marketing director and program lead for Monopoly at McDonald’s:
“[W]e thought we’d have a little fun with him, and he was totally fine with teasing and poking a little fun at himself with the notion of the odds of winning seven championships.”
It’s funny, you see, because James’ handlers told him this would be a good way to continue his massive image rehabilitation project by subtly admitting that the false bravado and braggard nature he exhibited upon joining the Miami Heat was patently idiotic. Good job, James’ handlers. Have a McCafé on me. Better yet, have LeBron buy you a round. I am no longer allowed in McDonald’s restaurants anymore after the “Shamrock Shake Meltdown of 2009.” How hard is it to add that damn item to the menu year-round?
See the Spots: In McDonald’s Monopoly Ads, LeBron Laughs at Himself [Advertising Age (via SB Nation)]
Well, make that all Patriots fans who want to appear completely ridiculous lugging this thing back and forth to the gym. Wow. Would you get a look at that? It’s horrifically ugly. And I can assure you, it is all too real. The item is available for purchase on Amazon for $30.99 and according to the sole review of the item, the New England Patriots Hoodie Duffel has been available at least since December 2010. Fashionisto Tom Brady would vomit right on that thing if one were presented to him.
What’s really disappointing about the product, according to the Amazon page, is these atrocities are sold for other NFL teams, MLB squads, college teams, NHL, you name it, on this site.. But when you get down to brass tacks, there is not a more fitting team to have a unkempt-looking, disheveled duffel bearing its logo than the Patriots, what with their unkempt-looking, disheveled-appearing coach. One question: why aren’t there sleeves on that bad boy? Anyone who’s anyone knows you cannot complete the Belichick-ian hoodie look with cutting some sleeves off.
[H/T Sports Pickle]
Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Baron Davis announced in June that he was heading back to school at UCLA to earn his degree in history. The worthiness of such a degree notwithstanding, you have to admire Davis for taking advantage of the NBA lockout to pursue worthwhile goals. Apparently, a local advertising firm in Cleveland, Liggett Stashower, caught wind of Davis’ educational aspirations and despite his major being history, has offered him an internship with their agency.
Cleveland.com somehow managed to obtain a copy of the letter sent from the agency to Davis, which follows:
We recently heard you’re taking advantage of your time off from basketball by going back to college. We wish you the best of luck as you look to finish your degree.
We’re not sure of UCLA’s regulations, but many universities require that students complete an internship to graduate. Frankly, every student should pursue an internship. It’s the best way to try out a career while you still have time to change your mind. That said, Liggett Stashower would like to offer you an intern position.
Best wishes,
Liggett Stashower
I have to give this Liggett Stashower some credit for this savvy marketing move on behalf of their firm. What better way to get your name out than with a gimmick like offering a high profile NBA player an internship? Kudos. Although I hope Baron Davis gives the offer some serious thought before jumping at the opportunity and accepting the intern position. Because as much as we would like to believe it, working at an ad agency no longer involves pounding cocktails, smoking cigarettes and indiscriminately banging secretaries. Damn you, Sterling Cooper and Don Draper!
All I know is if Davis accepts the position, it will most certainly go a helluva lot better than Blake Griffin’s experiences at Funny or Die. Not that it would take much.
Baron Davis is pursued for a local internship [Cleveland.com]
Sure, the entire dancing reality show world is mourning (or celebrating, how am I to know) the dismissal of Metta World Peace from Dancing With The Stars on Tuesday night, the first Dancing Star to be eliminated. Awww. Now, given I’m not the best judge of people, but after watching Metta World Peace’s appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, I get the impression he’s not too broken up about it, which means nor should we.
Artest, er, Metta, was joined by his dance partner, the very leggy Peta Murgatroyd — Snagglepuss says, “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” (I have to be the first person to make that reference, right?) — and instead of talking at length about DWTS, Kimmel seemed as interested in discussing the NBA star’s recent name change. Due to the direction Kimmel took, this is how this little sample of off-kilter, Artestian brilliance came about regarding Metta World Peace’s views about the proximity to our world achieving world peace (via Sporting News):
Kimmel added, “I feel like you’re going to change your name again. I feel like you’re the type that will do this every 18 months.”
An optimistic World Peace responded, “I’m going to keep it like this for at least a couple years, until there’s world peace.”
Fantastic. And frankly, why shouldn’t we believe him? I mean, who would know better than this guy?
Artest discusses name change, predicts world peace in ‘a couple of years’ [Sporting News]
Okay, okay, Encyclopedia Brown isn’t on this particular case — primarily because he’s a beloved, yet fictional character of children’s books — but if he were, you’re darn tootin’ he’d get down to the mysterious disappearance of the head of minor league baseball mascot, Stomper the Bear. Stomper, who has served as the mascot since 2009 for the Lake Erie Crushers, a member of the independent Frontier League, had the head portion of his costume stolen out of a storage closet, which has prevented the fan favorite from appearing at the last two home stands for the team as well as the playoffs. The strangest aspect of the story is that the thief left the other portions of the mascot costume behind (see below). Given the preliminary facts of the case, methinks we might have a demented Furry on our hands.
From newsnet5.com (via Yahoo!):
“It affects everyone’s time at the ballpark,” said David Helm, vice president of business operations for the Crushers. “He was always dancing, signing autographs… It takes away from the experience fans can have.” Helm called the 6-foot-8 bear a good dancer and fun loving.
“He’s more recognizable than any of the players and all of the staff,” Helm said. “People really love him.”
Indeed, yet quite the conundrum remains. Who is behind the nefarious plot to deprive Crushers fans of their right to interact and enjoy the antics of Stomper the Bear? What kind of dastardly evildoer could be behind such a heinous act? Hard to say, but if the world needed Encyclopedia Brown to leap from the pages into reality, it is now. And if he were not available, I suppose we would appreciate the assistance of Encyclopedia Brown’s lesser-known colleague, Thesaurus Tan. Sure, he is much less accomplished a crime-solver than his fellow adolescent detective brethren, but boy, can he come up with some pretty impressive words to describe exactly what the heck is going on.
Head of Lake Erie Crushers’ mascot stolen from closet [newsnet5.com (via Yahoo!)]
An Australian appellate court has rejected an appeal by Daniel Patrick Betts to reduce the two-year prison sentence handed down to him earlier this year for paralyzing a fellow member of his foursome, Dane Parvianen, due to a horrific meltdown suffered by Betts after a bad shot during round of golf in December 2009.
From a Courier Mail report (via FOX Sports):
Betts was disgusted with a shot and whacked his wedge into the ground before turning side on and throwing it at a golf cart.
The court was told the club sailed into Mr Parvianen’s head dropping him to the ground.
Betts had administered first aid while another player went for help.
Mr Parviainen, now 27, suffered a severe head injury which left him unable to work, to play sport or read and write.
He needed two emergency operations to relieve brain pressure from his fractured skull.
Holy crap. That is horrible. Despite the fact Betts pleaded guilty to causing grievous bodily harm to Parvianen in June, he argued that the sentence was excessive. If you ask me, the sentence wasn’t harsh enough. I’ve played with troglodytic psychopaths like this during my many years of golfing — you never know what they are going to do when they hit a bad shot: swear, take a slab of turf out of the ground with a violent swing or even worse, wind up and chuck their club in an embarrassing display of shameful immaturity. But never before have I ever heard a story as sad and despicable as this one. Let that be a lesson to any of you golfers out there who cannot control your violent fits of rage on the golf course: if you do crap like this, stop, or quit golfing altogether and consider yourself incredibly lucky you haven’t suffered the same fate as Betts due to his erratic, and because of what happened solely by his own hands, criminal behavior.
Angry golfer jailed after leaving mate crippled when he hurled club and hit him in the head at Noosa [Courier Mail (via FOX Sports)]
After fifteen long, angst-filled years, NHL hockey made its triumphant return to the town of Winnipeg on Tuesday night when the Jets took on the Columbus Blue Jackets in the team’s preseason home opener at the MTS Centre. The fans were amped, the atmosphere was electric and all the years of frustration erupted into a three-minute standing ovation when the Jets took the ice. With raucous applause, hoots, hollers and chants of “Go Jets Go!”, the team skated around the ice and I am sure they soaked in every second of adulation being rained down upon them by the overjoyed Winnipeggers.
Even better? The Jets rewarded the fans with a 6-1 win over the Blue Jackets. Sure, it was a meaningless preseason exhibition, not to mention a split-squad game, but try stressing the relative importance of that to any of the 15,000 die-hard hockey fanatics in attendance. Hockey in Canada. The way it should be.
[H/T Puck Daddy]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Fail. Dressed in straw hat, glasses, a white shirt and khaki shorts, 61-year-old Jesse James (ha) Lyons entered the Bed, Bath & Beyond store in Boynton Beach, Florida and after attempting to rob the joint, threatened to blow up the store. To let people know he was serious, Lyons lifted his shirt to reveal a firecracker stuffed into his waistband. Yep. Fail. [msnbc]
• Hoo boy: ladies and gentlemen, a video compilation used to create the national anthem of your nightmares. [With Leather]
•Is Elin Nordegren planning to get married question mark? [Off the Bench]
•Braves utility man Eric Hinske got himself a mohawk in hopes it will turn around Atlanta’s season. I’m sure it will change everything. [Larry Brown Sports]
•Video which confirms that standing over a fellow lacrosse player and taunting him might culminate with getting kicked in the balls. [Bob's Blitz]
•WOOOO! Ric Flair visited Fenway Park. [Busted Coverage]
• Nike’s new LeBron 9 shoe is going to be expensive. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• YAY! LOLNFL for Week 2! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A soccer player accidentally broke his coach’s hand during a match. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Five retired athletes who could get work in a freak show. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: (Video) New Psychedelic Weight Loss Drug Transforms Food Into Monstrous Hallucinations
Warning: video contains mild profanity, but let’s all be adults here, it’s not that bad
“Ostracized. Alone. Griffin begins to retreat into himself.” Ha. So much good stuff going on here. The guy who comes down on Griffin because the new intern giggles when he shouldn’t because comedy is a serious business, but then proceeds to ask the group to come up with words that rhyme with d**k. The guy who walks by and gives Griffin the finger. The other guy who treats the NBA superstar like an idiot when instructing him on how to use the phone. But the pièce de résistance is when Griffin starts cussing out Will Ferrell after the comedian treats him poorly and refuses to read his script, only for Ferrell to compliment him and tell Griffin he likes his style.
It’s funny, you see, because that’s exactly how the so-called bigwigs at Funny or Die would treat a lowly intern. Because, as I mentioned just now, it was funny. And if it wasn’t, they would presumably die, you know, given the name of their comedy organization.
I know, I know, but try to contain your surprise, shock and indignation for just a moment, because, as is often the case, things might not appear exactly as they seem.
According to a report in the Boston Herald, Gisele Bundchen, the fetching wife of a prominent star New England Patriots quarterback, one Tom Brady, was pulled over for speeding Saturday by a Massachusetts state trooper on Saturday and was let off with only a warning.
Initiate outrage.
