Archive for August, 2011
Say whaaaaaat? Sounds crazy – well, not really – but it be true: according to the fancy-schmancy computer simulation program named “The Predictalator” (it’s like a percolator, except it doesn’t make coffee, it predicts stuff), the Arizona Cardinals are poised to win a whopping seven games this season. But before all of you Cardinals fans out there hang your heads in dejection, would it make any of you feel better to know that according to The Predictalator, those paltry seven wins will be good enough for the NFC West title? Yeah, I thought so.
The Predictalator is the brainchild of Paul Bassire, who holds a master’s degree in quantitative analysis from the University of Cincinnati, and was utilized by the website, PredictionMachine.com, to run 50,000 simulations of the entire 2011 NFL season.
Via azcentral:
His Predictalator is billed as “the most advanced sports-forecasting software available” with the ability to factor in “relevant statistical interactions of the players (playing or not playing/injured), coaches, officials, fans (home-field advantage) and weather in each game.”
The Predictalator’s bad news: The Cardinals won an average of 7.2 games in the simulation.
The Predictalator’s good news: That average was best among teams in the NFC West.
In the simulation the Cardinals won the division 36 percent of the time, better than the Rams (26 percent), 49ers (25 percent) and Seahawks (13 percent).
I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that a technological marvel like The Predictalator would arrive at the conclusion after 50,00 simulations that 7 games would be good enough to win the NFC West. We only need to look back to last season when the Seattle Seahawks won the division with the very same 7-9 record. So rejoice, Cardinals fans, according to The Predictalator, your squad’s forecasted sub-par season will be good enough for the team to get into the playoff and subsequently likely get smacked down by a far superior team.
On the other hand, playoff-qualifying glory aside, the simulations, which no doubt took into account the arrival of perceived franchise savior Kevin Kolb, foresaw that Kolb only netted the team a disappointing two-win improvement over last season. Should that be considered an acceptable exchange for cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a second-round draft pick in 2012? I guess we’ll have to wait and see what The Predictalator says about next season. Maybe the Cardinals can crawl over .500 in 2012. Who knows? Well, except for The Predictalator, of course. Stranger things have happened, which I am sure have been simulated by a computer countless times.
Simulation gives Arizona Cardinals 7 wins . . . NFC West title [azcentral]
Sweet sassy molassey. The photo is nice because Arianny Celeste is pretty.
An additional photo from her photo shoot in Korea, which follows below, is also nice because, um, Arianny Celeste? Yep, still pretty.
Sigh. Now that’s what you call hardcore provincialism: NFL -style. Officers employed by the Green Bay Police Department have been authorized by leaders of the department to wear the above badge which pays tribute to the Green Bay Packers’ Super Bowl XLV victory and honors the Wisconsin town’s moniker of “Titletown, U.S.A.” Makes sense, because if there is a city whose entire identity is inextricably intertwined with that of the local sports franchise…okay, there isn’t a city that can compare to Green Bay in that regard in the entire lovin’ world. The city of Green Bay is the Packers and the Packers are Green Bay. They are inseparable entities. And thankfully, when a die-hard Packers fan is busted by local law enforcement, he (or she) can be comforted as they are slammed down to the “Frozen Tundra” by gazing upon the beloved Packers logo. Good times.
According to the report in Journal-Sentinel, officers have the option of either paying for one of these bad boys emblazoned with all things wondrous and excellent that is the Packers or they can choose to continue to wear the traditional badges, which is certainly good news for the lone Minnesota Vikings or even Chicago Bears fan walking the Green Bay beat. Ah, who am I kidding? A self-admitted Vikings or Bears fan who is also a Green Pay police officer would never last long on the force.
Ah, I kid, I kid. To be honest, the badges are pretty cool and I’m sure they are a hit with the citizens of Green Bay. But seriously, there’s no way there is one of them on the force. A Bears or Vikings fan, that is. Something tells me an affront like that wouldn’t sit too well with the local populace.
Police badges get Packers logo [Journal-Sentinel]
Anyone who has accidentally stumbled upon Bleacher Report’s site can most certainly attest to the objective accuracy of this mockup. Absolute brilliance. And there’s plenty more to the proposed redesign where the above came from, so head on over to Sports Pickle and have yourself a gaggle of giggles. One of my favorite front page stories: “Our 5,000 Most Memorable Typoos and Factual Erras.” Ha.
Congratulations, Sports Pickle. You have won the internets today with this one.
Amazing. If only Jim Henson was still alive to see just how far the beloved puppets he and Frank Oz worked so hard to perfect have come. Now they are holding press conferences from golf carts during football practices of college football teams. Truly remarkable. And the one you see in the above video had to be Frank and Jim’s pride and joy. You might recall the first time you saw this amazing puppet was during your youth when it scared the bejeezus out of you when watching The Dark Crystal. It’s unbelievable the puppet we all remember as UrZah the Ritual-Guardian has held up so well after all these years.
What’s that? You’re kidding, right? That’s Joe Paterno? Wow. Somebody needs to tell that guy his time has come and maybe it would be a good idea to hang it up and give up coaching. Maybe he could take up puppeteering as a hobby.
Video: Joe Paterno speaks at Penn State media day [Philly.com]
Straight from the Sideline Princess’ mouth (or fingertips, unless she types with her tongue or something) last night was the tweeted proclamation that Erin Andrews is in fact on her way to NYC and is quite excited to be standing in for Kelly Ripa as she co-hosts LIVE! with Regis & Kelly this morning. It looks like she’ll be talking footbaw with Regis or whatever that Gelman guy tells her to discuss, so be sure to tune in, kiddos.
Geez, that Miss Andrews. She keeps on moving up that ABC Family talent ladder (Disney-ABC Domestic Television is the show’s distributor) .
I have to wonder where Kelly is today. While I cannot speculate as to her whereabouts, I can assure you of what she is doing: not eating. Somebody give that gal a cheeseburger. And quickly. I have seen less angular bones on a skeleton hanging in some laboratory.
UPDATE: Thanks to the always-on-the-ball Sports Grid, here’s five minutes of Erin Andrews playing with puppies from today’s show.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• I know, I know: a shocking development, to be sure. A town unilaterally gives power to an 11-year-old girl and she invariably goes crazy in a fit of Bieber Fever. At least that is what happened when Caroline Gonzalez won a contest through which she was named “Mayor for a Day” of the Texas town of Forney. A portion of Main Street will temporarily be named “Justin Bieber Way.” Good for you Caroline. Next up, cleaning up City Hall and inserting Selena Gomez as Chief of Police. [msnbc]
• A Winnipeg Jets fan created the team’s logo out of 415 Rubik’s Cubes. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Jeez, as if Mets fans haven’t suffered enough, now comes this event. [With Leather]
• Delonte West tweeted that he applied for a job at The Home Depot. A joke? The truth? Who knows? [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Your soccer headline of the day: “S*** hits the fans at Bundesliga match” [Off the Bench]
• Major League Baseball will keep it simple with its special 9/11 hats. [Big League Stew]
• Here’s video of Batting Stance Guy amusingly skewering several MLB talking heads. [Bob's Blitz]
• Former ESPN anchor and current Dodgers radio play-by-play man Charley Steiner had some trouble articulating exactly what happened when the Brewers turned a triple play the other night. [Awful Announcing]
• Andrei Kirlienko discussed his massive back tattoo during an interview. [The Basketball Jones]
• Yay! KSK Sex-Fantasy Football Mailbag time! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• (Photo) Suddenly, Bill Belichick’s mind drifts away from football… [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: After Watching Tom Brady Highlight, Every Man, Woman, And Child In America Dreams Of Love
Tiger Woods: he’s just like us! He also plays video games when he’s bored and has nothing better to do. Only when he does it, he has a bunch of dudes from EA Sports standing around him watching while doing so. Oh, and the game he plays is named after him. Other than that, he and us are like geeky peas in a huge nerdy pod.
Tiger uploaded this photo via Twitter early Tuesday evening, adding, “Since I didn’t get to work this weekend, I worked a few hours with EA Sports today.” To be honest, I admire his sense of humor regarding his terrible play during the PGA Championship on Thursday and Friday. Further, I have to argue that playing video game golf – or working on them, as it were – is a far better outlet for Tiger to properly vent his frustrations over how the his golf game is in complete shambles. You know, as opposed to the rampant and indiscriminate whoremongering that he surely would rather be doing instead of hanging out with a bunch of video game dweebs. But then again, can you really blame him? What else does the guy have to do?
[image via @TigerWoods]
The online votes have been tallied and the above exercise in garish awfulness has been selected as the redesign model for the basketball court in Northwestern’s Welsh-Ryan Arena. You might recall a few weeks back when we addressed the four proposals that fans could vote for on Facebook and touched upon the one rods-and-cones-scarring possibility that the court would end up looking like this. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and the least awful option was selected.
Below is sample illustrating how the stained floor will actually look upon completion:
First off, to be completely upfront, I have what many would refer to as an “eclectic” taste in music. I am perfectly fine with a mix of, say, for the sake of example, The Cult, followed up with some Boz Scaggs, a little Smashing Pumpkins perhaps, move on into some Suicidal Tendencies and Pantera, a sprinkling of some Mr. Bungle and Primus; after that, ease into some Gordon Lightfoot and The Doors, transition into a little TOOL or Kyuss or even some Iron Maiden and finish off with, of course, some Sebadoh. But even with that in mind, the soundtrack for NHL 12 is one hot mess.
Before I bore you any further with crap you couldn’t care less about and before I completely disparage the song selections for the video game and skew your knee-jerk reaction to them, how about I simply provide a listing? From the EA Sports NHL 12 blog (via Pro Hockey Talk):
Here’s the full list of tracks that will be on NHL®12 in alphabetical order by artist (album in brackets):
I can think of few things that would be more annoying than getting trapped in a stuck elevator. Plummeting to your death in a malfunctioning elevator being one of them. But Dallas Cowboys defensive end Jason Hatcher found himself in the former predicament and fortunately not the latter when he became stuck in an elevator on Monday night for 15 minutes until the fire department came to his assistance and freed him from his metallic box of bondage.
What made it worse for the trapped Cowboy? He claims he is claustrophobic. Ouch.
Fortunately for his Twitter followers, Hatcher provided updates regarding his status. A rundown of Hatcher’s live tweet fest (via The Dallas Morning News):
- Im stuck in the elevator.. They can’t get me out til the people get here in 15 min.. Smh!!! I got sleep to get!!!!
- The fire department are come get me out!!! Smh!!! What a night!!!!
- Look at my friends who got me out the elevator.. Whew!!! I’m glad I’m out!!! Lmao!!!
- Thanks to all my followers for your support while I was in the elevator.. Mean alot to me.. Y’all kept me sane.. I’m claustrophobic!! Lmao!!
Hatcher recanted his tale on Tuesday during an interview on KESN-FM:
“It was just me, man,” he said. “I got on there and I pushed my floor and it dropped down just a little bit, and I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. This can’t be happening.’ So I broke the inside door open and I started yelling and luckily some security guys were there and they was able to call the fire department and they was able to come rescue Big Hatch.”
Wow. Quite the harrowing ordeal. Glad to find out everything turned out okay. And thankfully for Hatcher, he didn’t end up having the traumatic experience what this guy had to go through. Yowsers.
Fire crew helps ‘claustrophobic’ Jason Hatcher out of elevator [The Dallas Morning News]
What the fungus? Seriously? Sadly, it appears to be true: instead of treating his friends (and himself) to a booze-fueled bachelor party prior to his nuptials to Chace Candice Crawford, Tony Romo opted to put the kibosh on drunken revelry and instead elected to entertain his pals while they stayed at a cabin in West Virginia with thrilling games of…Hide-And-Seek. Yep.
The Dallas Cowboys quarterback made this embarrassing admission during an interview with Yahoo! Sports’ Graham Besinger on his show In Depth with Graham Bensinger (video follows for those interested, but here are the troubling money quotes regarding what most likely could have been The .Worst. Bachelor. Party. Ever. (via People):
“I didn’t feel like going out drinking that night,” the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, 31, told Yahoo! Sports’s Graham Besinger on his show In Depth with Graham Bensinger. (Watch the full interview below.) “We tried to come up with a game, but when you’re with 14-15 guys, there aren’t a lot of non-drinking games at that age you can do.
“I just came up with some game – hide-and-go-seek, I guess it was,” he says of the booze-free activity that lasted about 35 minutes. “It was a little modified form. It was fun. We had a good time. I stayed hidden for a while. I had a pretty good spot … it was pitch black out. There were only like two lights in the whole place.
“We played twice,” Romo recalls. “I won both times. … I got to tell them all I was smarter than them. That was just part of the process. … I did come up with the game, so I probably had a pretty good idea leading up to the game that I had a chance.”
GUH. Lame, lame, lame. Romo ought to be ashamed of himself for putting his friends through the most neo maxi zoom dweebiest bachelor party ever.
Video follows.
Ah, Rex Ryan, your anger amuses me. After all, this was a meaningless preseason game. No need to get all up in arms because the referees did not notice you gesticulating wildly while trying to get their attention so you could call a time out after you noticed that your beloved Jets defense had too many men on the field. You became so irate at the referees not paying attention to your barely-controlled rage that you ultimately slammed your headset down to the turf with such considerable force it would be a surprise if they still worked after you picked them back up after you stormed across the field while dragging them.
Tsk -tsk-tsk, Rex Ryan. Such a demonstrative display of violence against an inanimate object. What did that headset ever do to you to require such poor treatment? The fact that the Jets defense has difficulty counting to 11 wasn’t the headset’s fault. But at the same time, thank you Rex Ryan, for being you. In all your over-the-top, unneeded displays of intensity glory.
[H/T Sports Grid]
Couldn’t have said it better myself: wuaooooooo. Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has always been a big Jim Thome fan, likely coming from the seasons Thome slugged homers in a White Sox uniform, so it comes as no surprise that Ozzie was very happy for the home run-hitting machine knocking out his 599th and 600th career round-tripper in the Twins’ 9-6 victory over the Detroit Tigers. And of course, as you can plainly see above, Guillen articulated his happiness for Thome in typical Ozzie-esque nonsensical fashion.
At least I am pretty sure Ozzie is happy for Thome. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with that guy, although the tweet below appears to confirm it:
Good think, indeed. There are few higher compliments one baseball man can pay to another baseball man that to say ‘u are a special baseball man.”
[via @OzzieGuillen]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• That’s not a nightcrawler! A father fishing with his two sons in Spokane, Washington was forced to alert authorities after he noticed 54-year-old Dean H. Meginniss fishing in the buff. Meginniss even stood up in full view of the children at one point as the father and sons drove by him in their boat. Police originally only told the man to put on some clothes and he did so, but after running a background check, it was discovered that Meginniss had an outstanding warrant related to a stalking issue. Naked Fisher Guy was arrested on that warrant and was also charged with indecent exposure for good measure. [azcentral]
• Sad news: Winnipeg Jets forward Rick Rypien was found dead in his Alberta home. He was 27. [Puck Daddy]
• Congratulations to Jim Thome for hitting his 600th career homer last night. [Rumors & Rants]
• Here’s video of a Taiwanese kid dunking on LeBron James. [Off the Bench]
• The NFL expects to have female referees sooner than later. [Shutdown Corner]
• A teachable moment: don’t get drunk and win a demolition derby. Bad things might happen. [With Leather]
• The Milwaukee Brewers turned a triple play last night. [Big League Stew]
• Check out the world’s hottest cycling WAG. Yep, there are cycling WAGs. [Busted Coverage]
• The Islanders are holding a viewing party to celebrate the team’s brawltastic night with the Penguins. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Some CFL player did a “dizzy bat” celebration. [Outside the Boxscore]
• More Peter King idiocy is deconstructed, Fire Joe Morgan-style. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Six charts explaining NFL training camp. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Tigers Sign Jim Leyland Through His Death In 2012
