Archive for August, 2011
Make that a romantic interlude at first base. Or would it be more accurate to refer to whatever the hell transpired between Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips and Washington Nationals first baseman Michael Morse as more of a bromantic interlude? Hard to say, as we have no idea what Phillips’ true intentions were as he caressed Morse’s long locks. Whatever it was, it was weird.
And big ups to the folks at Sports Grid for the song selection. No musical accompaniment would have better captured the playful exchange between these two ballplayers than an acoustic cover of Rick Astley’s “Together Forever.” Well played.
[H/T Sports Grid]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• WILMAAAAAAAA!!! Admitting that he knew the brakes on his truck were not working, a 24-year-old Detroit-area man nevertheless took it out for a drive. When it came time to slow the vehicle down, the man stuck his feet out the door and attempted to stop the car with his feet. It didn’t work. He could not stop at an intersection and struck two vehicles, then two more at the next one. The man finally was able to stop the truck after an officer caught up with him and told him to put it in park. What a woodhead. [msnbc]
• Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Brady’s new Uggs for Men ad. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Chinese media has completely ignored the Georgetown brawl story. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Michael Irvin called Miami booster Nevin Shapiro a “snake” and a “rapist.” But how do you really feel about him, Michael? [Off the Bench]
• Speaking of which, here’s Miami and Nevin Shapiro by the numbers. [TAUNTR]
• Impermissible tattoos worse than beating your girlfriend, so says the NFL. [With Leather]
• An absolutely hilarious photo of Tiger Woods. [Devil Ball Golf]
• A hipster Knicks fans reflects on the NBA lockout. [The Basketball Jones]
• Aaron Rodgers really wanted to play in San Francisco. [Shutdown Corner]
• Check out this video of a minor league pitcher lumbering to home plate, which he proceeds pile drive himself on. [Bob's Blitz]
• GAH! The MLB praying mantis is back! [Outside the Boxscore]
• The Michael Vick character makes his triumphant return to say the NFL told him the NFL did not force him to join the Eagles. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Hilarious headline/photo combination: “Succulent racks attract record crowds to Ribfest.” You have to see this one. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Man Somehow Overcomes Alcoholism Without Jesus
Huh. “The Decision” must not have aired over there yet. Or the 2011 NBA Finals, either, for that matter. Enjoy the adulation you are receiving from the Chinese people, Lebron James. Because in a half an hour, you’re going to be wanting more of it.
[H/T TMZ]
With his home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates on Tuesday, St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols extended his own MLB record for consecutive seasons with at least 30 home runs, which now stands at 11 seasons, a streak which began with his rookie year. This remarkable accomplishment is a far cry from earlier this season, when Pujols was struggling mightily at the plate and was forced to deal with criticism regarding his sub-par start. Apparently, the criticism did not sit well with Pujols, as he fired back at sportswriters, those nattering nabobs of negativity, who chose to do their job and, you know, write about what is actually happening between the white lines, even if it required writing things about Pujols that did not properly praise the greatness of the man and the magnitude of his accomplishments. At least that’s how it appears Pujols sees it. Further, how do writers dare even criticize Pujols if they have never even played the game?
Allow me to be brief as I introduce the below quote from the man not affectionately known as Schrutebag.
Colin Cowherd: still an incredible, insufferable idiot.
When discussing the damning Yahoo! Sports report on the University of Miami, Cowherd got up on his self-righteous high horse to condemn the athletes named in said report and how it is understandable that they accept impermissible benefits (via Sports Grid):
One of the things yesterday, during that whole Miami football scandal, you know, one of the lamest excuses people use all the time is these Miami players are poor and so they took payouts. That’s a lame excuse for lacking ethics. Being poor, rich and poor in morality are separate issues, ok? The man, Jesus, was a pauper, ok? He didn’t care about material things and watches and yacht trips. And you’re poor. Nobody is — nobody lacks ethics because they’re poor. There are millions of Americans who are categorized financially as poor who have ethics and don’t take things that belong to them. The truth is, though, people don’t like to admit their faults. Very few people will own their own baggage. That’s why therapy is good for all of us. So people make excuses for doing things. I’m poor so i took $30,000 from a booster. No, you lack ethics, and you just happened to be poor. But a lot of poor people don’t take money that’s not their money.
Wait. What? While the entire rant is about as stupid as stupid can get – and believe me, Cowherd knows stupid – I had no idea some of the Last Temptations of Christ were offerings of watches and yacht trips. Heck, I didn’t even know watches and yacht trips even existed back then. Thanks for the heads up on that one, Cowherd, you miserable, sanctimonious piece of crap.
Note: Sports Grid has the full audio of Cowherd’s diatribe, but I chose not to embed it, because I didn’t have the heart to subject you to that annoying voice. The sound of it is the audio equivalent of pain inflicted by those Ceti eels from Wrath of Khan.
Colin Cowherd Thinks College Athletes Should Be More Like Jesus [Sports Grid]
The worst part of the story? Well, other than the gash opened up on his face, I suppose: this was a home game for goaltender Jimmy Nielsen and his Sporting KC teammates. That ain’t right, nor would it have been right had it been an away game, but this is the last thing one would expect to happen in one’s own stadium.
Sporting KC had just scored in the 26th minute to take a 1-0 lead over the Portland Timbers on Wednesday night Livestrong Sporting Park. As Nielsen walked over beside the goal for a drink of water, he was struck in the face with the head of a bobblehead of Omar Bravo, one of his teammates. Nielsen quickly crumpled to the ground and required medical attention.
Via The Kansas City Star:
“I did not see it coming,” Nielsen said. “First I thought I walked into the post, then I realized I was a long way from the post.
“I had a crazy headache. I was like ‘Oh my God, I need to lie down for a second. Then I saw I was bleeding and was just waiting for them to come and fix it so I could play again.”
A video report from a Kansas City television station regarding the ugly incident follows.
Novak Djokovic might be the world’s number one tennis player and having one of the most impressive seasons by a male tennis player in recent memory, but courtesy of some amusing performances off the court, he is quickly rising up the ranks in the world of viral video hilarity. Just the other day, there was the video of him pulling a nut shot prank on a reporter, now we have him putting on a blonde wig and perfectly mimicking Maria Sharapova’s new commercial for HEAD tennis. I mean it is spot-on.
I have embedded the original Sharapova ad above for comparison purposes, and Djokovic’s spoof follows below.
It certainly looks like getting plowed into by an SUV while riding his bike earlier this month has not put a damper on Joey Harrington’s dry wit. The former NFL quarterback, who had stints with the Dolphins and Falcons but spent the bulk of his career as the signal caller for the Detroit Lions after the team drafted him number three overall in the 2002 draft, was in the hospital being treated for multiple injuries, including a broken collarbone and a punctured lung, when he busted off this snappy one-liner (from The Detroit News, via NFL.com):
“I was laying in the ER. I’m in the neck brace on the board and just sayin, ‘Get me out of here,’” Harrington said. “I kinda whispered to one of the trauma docs, ‘I played four years in Detroit. I can handle a car. Let’s get this thing moving.’”
Zing! While clever, looking at Harrington’s stats from his time in Detroit, he might be onto something. In four seasons, Harrington was sacked a whopping 77 times, including an unbelievable 36 during the Lions’ 2004 campaign. An SUV ain’t got crap on that kind of punishment he was subjected to during those years.
In the end, Harrington was released from the hospital after a few days of recovery in the intensive care unit and appears to be on the way to a fully recovery. My guess is he’ll be tickling the ivories on his piano in no time at all.
Ex-Lions QB Harrington jokes about getting hit by car [The Detroit News (via NFL.com)]
It’s funny because Betty White is old and in response to Shaquille O’Neal’s proposal of marriage, she promptly slaps him and says that he is too old for her, which is weird because conventional wisdom would say that Betty White is too old for Shaq. Ha. Too bad Rue McClahahan passed away last year. If she was anything like Blanche Devereaux, the character she portrayed in The Golden Girls, she so would have let Shaq hit it, even without the promise of marriage. That hussy.
That Shaquille O’Neal: always trying to start stuff with the geriatric crowd. He might think he is in their good graces, but simply referring to himself as the Big AARP does not necessarily mean those who are true members of the AARP are going to allow him easy access into their club.
[H/T The Basketball Jones]
Excellent composition. Dramatic use of color and textures. The depiction of a high-heeled hoochie mama in a suggestive pose as one of the primary subjects of the piece. Yep, in my book that’s some mighty classy artwork.
Finally, a master craftsman of paints and brushes has created a piece of fine art which any avid golfing fan would be proud to display in their rec room: “Tiger Making The Hole.” As you can see, the lithograph, created by European artist Tos Kostermans, features Tiger Woods lining up a putt with something of a distraction in his line of sight: a sultry harlot in high heels straddling the pin like it is a stripper pole, an allusion which is further reinforced by the dollar bill firmly attached to the top of the flag. Even though it’s only a tap-in, I have to say sinking that putt would require some amazing focus.
I guess what I like about the piece the most is its subtlety in how it attempts to illustrate symbolically the self-made distractions Tiger created for himself with his rampant whoremongering which greatly interfered in his quest for golfing immortality. Also, the chick is pretty hot. She kind of looks like Elin. I wonder if that was a conscious choice by the artist. Or maybe he is just a fan of vampy blondes, too.
A very deep and provocative piece, to be sure. And with the price for a print of “Tiger Making The Hole” ranging from 650 to 1250 euros (depending on the size), you know you are getting some high quality artwork. Oh, Tiger will be making the hole, alright. One way or the other.
[H/T Devil Ball Golf]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagaintspeed@gmail.com.
• These stories never get old. Perry Weaver, 52, was schnockered and riding his lawnmower along the shoulder of Burkhardt Road in Lexington, North Carolina at about 8:45 p.m. when he drifted into the road and got struck by a vehicle. The impact of the collision threw Weaver off his mower causing him to be struck by another vehicle. Weaver’s injuries were not deemed to be serious and while it was unclear whether Weaver was actually mowing or driving somewhere, what did he receive for getting struck by not one, but two cars? A DWI charge. Ouch. [msnbc]
• Ouch again: Carlos Ruiz is out with a bruised testicle. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Sean Avery has been cleared in the LAPD battery incident. [Puck Daddy]
• This Alabama sorority recruitment rap video is terrible, just terrible. [Off the Bench]
• Did President Obama break Rajon Rondo? [The Slanch Report]
• Trampoline Dodgeball? Far freaking out. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Why Yahoo! Sports’ takedown of Miami is meaningless. [Pine Riders]
• Check out this tailgating must-have: the ice luge. [Busted Coverage]
• The owner of soccer club Leeds United is a creepy, creepy old man. [Rumors & Rants]
• Luis Ayala screws around shagging flies with a ginormous glove. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Five gift ideas for the college athlete who has everything. [Sports Pickle]
• Awesome: LOLNFL, Preseason Week 1. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago
I know, I know, a sobering statistic, indeed. And while it is hard to think about these young Boston Red Sox fans in that manner, given their overall adorableness and wide-eyed, youthful innocence and exuberance, I am simply playing the odds here. They are, after all, Red Sox fans, even if they are just kids now. Red Sox Nation: a bunch of drunken degenerates. Well, not these kids. Yet. But it will happen. It will happen.
Note: the views expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the person who wrote it. But they probably do.
[image via]
Make that the extremely high-calorie tasty Triple Double Oreos, which features layers of vanilla and chocolate cream generously slathered between three Oreo cookies. Yummy.
And of course, when you think about a treat that tops out at 100 calories with a whipping 4.5 grams of fat, the first thing that comes to mind are four athletes in peak physical condition, namely Serena Williams, Apolo Ohno, Eli Manning and Shaquille O’Neal. Actually, make that three athletes in peak physical condition along with Shaquille O’Neal. Hey, the guy can barely walk these days. The fearsome foursome are known as the Double Stuf Racing League (DSRL), a marketing gimmick we have touched on previously here at the Sportress, but the Triple Double Oreo changes the game entirely, as evidenced by this quote from Shaq (via the New York Daily News):
“Now that I am retired I can spend more time perfecting my twist, lick and dunk skills, and with an added layer of cream and a third cookie, it’s clear that I am going to need the practice,” said Shaquille O’Neal in a quote attributed to him in a press release. “I am obviously the dunking expert, but I am working with the rest of Team DSRL to figure out the best way to compete with the Triple Double cookie.
The above-mentioned press release can be found here and a video for your viewing enjoyment, as well as some additional promotional photos featuring the star athletes looking ridiculous in blue track suits, follows.
Boy, now that’s a headline I never thought I’d write. I bet you could have a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for a million years and that sentence would never be re-wrote. Or however that saying goes. But I digress.
Moving on, for the uninitiated, the President’s Race is a silly promotional thing the Washington Nationals put on for the fans during home games at Nationals Park. If features former Presidents George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and Theodore Roosevelt racing; or to put it more accurately, it features men dressed in costumes with over-sized heads depicting the former Presidents, as all four of those guys are dead. Sad, I know, but our great country has always displayed a remarkable capacity to move forward despite unfortunate tragedies.
Be that as it may, the running gag in the race is that Teddy the President has never won the race, despite coming oh so close on countless occasions. There is even a website solely devoted to poor Teddy’s plight.
Well, once again, Teddy was sniffing victory. In fact, he was only mere steps away from achieving the impossible: winning the dang race . Unfortunately, something, or someone, as it were, prevented Teddy from victorious glory just before he crossed the finish line first: a man dressed in a monkey suit wearing a Stephen Strasburg jersey. Some dead Presidents can never catch a break, man.
All that aside, I have one last thing I would like to add: sure, I have heard that Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a terrific movie, but these cross-promotional events are getting a bit out of hand, especially when it causes Teddy the Racing President to suffer additional, embarrassing, anguish-causing failure.
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The best part is University of Miami president Donna Shalala holding that damn check while getting all blowed up by the exploding car.
Cue The Who, sucker fools.
[H/T the genius of LSUfreek showcased @ EDSBS]
