Archive for August, 2011
“FISH! FISH! FISH!”
Caption: Jets running back Chris Jennings ran through a machine while protecting the ball during N.F.L. training camp in Florham Park, N.J.
Watch out for your cornhole, bud.
[image via]
Oh my. This is just awful. Patently, soul-crushingly, ear-bleedingly awful. Yep, that’s New York Knickerbockers owner James L. Dolan performing the little ditty (I’d personally call it a “don’ty) “Fix The Knicks” with his band “The Straight Shot” before an Aretha Franklin concert. And it’s horrible. And embarrassing.
Originally, I planned to transcribe the lyrics as part of this post, but then I realized that it is already bad enough that I have corrupted the archives here at the Sportress sufficiently enough by embedding this miscarriage of music.
Did I mention it’s awful? I did? Good. Because it is. I mean really, really bad. “Allowing Isiah Thomas to run your organization” bad.
[H/T SLAM (via Ball Don't Lie)]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Martin Resendiz, the mayor of Sunland Park, New Mexico, acknowledged during a deposition that he was schnockered when he signed nine contracts with a California architectural firm. The firm is now suing the city for $1 million for work performed under those contracts but the city contends the contracts were not valid because they were not approved by the city council. Also, their mayor is a d-horn. [azcentral]
• Awesome: that young Diamondbacks fan who gave the baseball to that younger kid at a game received a plaque from Jimmy Kimmel. [Off the Bench]
• Bill Belichick once made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on a Cleveland talk show and here is the video to prove it. [Larry Brown Sports]
• What the fungus? Pee Wee Herman made an appearance at Dallas Cowboys training camp. [Busted Coverage]
• The rumors about a possible Michelle Beadle-Erin Andrews feud have been spinning out of control. [Awful Announcing]
• LeBron James defended Tim Tebow on Twitter. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Nothing wrong with that: Gina Carano set to return to the world of MMA. [Rumors & Rants]
• Stephen Curry’s engagement photo announcement is awesome. [The Basketball Jones]
• Time for another educational edition of KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Worst. Corner. Kick. Ever. [Outside the Boxscore]
• This could very well be the greatest beer pong shot ever. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• Pro Football Talk commenters are a bunch of mouthbreathers. [PineRiders]
• Today in The Dugout: A-Rod’s Violent Gambling Parties. [With Leather]
• Speaking of A-Rod, here is his personalized poker deck. [TAUNTR]
• Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you: couch surfing. [Bob's Blitz]
• The 7 players on your fantasy football roster. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Cris Carter Enters Football Hall Of Fame As Paying Customer
Awesome. I, as I am confident many of you, have seen many of these golf cart fails many times before, but to have them all put together in a tidy little compilation is simply a delight.
Golf carts. They truly are the Official Vehicles of the Darwin Awards.
[H/T BuzzFeed]
Oh, happy days, happy days, indeed. According to a tweet from the always-reliable Adam Schefter, the Seattle Seahawks, in need of a kicker after Olindo Mare jumped ship for Carolina, have signed Jeff Reed, the raddest, drunkest, party-hardiest brah who has ever booted a football through a couple of uprights. Sure, it was only but a moment that he was away, but that was far too long. You see, Jeff Reed cannot be stopped. You can only hope to contain him.
The tweet that sent the interwebs a-rockin’:
After losing Olindo Mare to Carolina, Seattle reached agreement today with former Steelers kicker Jeff Reed on a one-year deal.
Welcome back, Jeff Reed. It has been far too long since the Pittsburgh Steelers unceremoniously released you. Sure, the 49ers picked you up shortly thereafter, but the team decided to play it safe (harsh!) and signed David Akers last week. San Fran wasn’t the right scene for you, anyway, brah. Seattle is much more your kind of town. I expect big things from you, my brother. Like public urination and overall nonsensical, over-the-top drunken debauchery.
Let us now relive some of the inebriated, good-time, um, goodness Jeff Reed has afforded us over the years. Off to the Sportress archives! And believe me, that’s just the tip of the iceberg as it pertains to the wonderful contributions Jeff Reed has made to interweb lore. Go seek it out and ye shall find it.
[via @AdamSchefter]
EXTRA EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! THE OFT-IGNORED MLB FRANCHISES, THE NEW YORK YANKEES AND THE BOSTON RED SOX, WILL FINALLY RECEIVE SOME ATTENTION AND WILL BE FEATURED ON ESPN’S SUNDAY NIGHT BASEBALL BROADCAST ON AUGUST 7TH AT 8:00 P.M. ET!
Crazy stuff. So much so, ESPN insisted on actually issuing a press release announcing the wondrous news.
Now, I get it: two huge markets equal boffo ratings. But throw fans from other markets a bone every now and again. Oh, that’s right, they do – if they happen to be playing the Yankees or Red Sox. And every so often, the Phillies. Then a small market team from the podunk flyover country might be featured.
Tell you what, ESPN, how about your marvelous network issue a press release when the Sunday Night Baseball game ISN’T Yankees-Red Sox when the teams are facing each other? Not that would be newsworthy.
Jeez Louise, what can’t this guy do? According to a report Game On!, punishing pugilist Manny Pacquiao’s remake single of the 1978 Dan Hill classic, “Sometimes When We Touch” has reached No. 11 on the Secondary Adult Contemporary chart, whatever that is. Wowee kazowee.
This just in: adult contemporary music is dead. Long live adult contemporary music. When a Filipino boxer’s cover song from over 30 years ago can practically crack the top 10 on the Adult Contemporary charts (Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” is currently the number one track), well, what else can you say? Suck on that, Counting Crows, Goo Goo Dolls and Maroon 5. You have been usurped by Manny freaking Pacquiao.
[H/T Game On!]
Oh man, I forgot how much I loved this one. I have seen a chick get plowed like that, since…wait, that’s not right. I meant “plowed over.” I haven’t seen a chick get plowed over like that since…wait, I can’t think of any other occasion when it comes to getting plowed over, so never mind.
Either way, it’s good stuff. And hey, since it has been kind of a slow news day so far, why the hell not?
[H/T Epic Fail]
For those of you who have not had the pleasure to enjoy ESPN NFL analyst Merril Hoge’s body of vitriolic work, the former Pittsburgh Steelers running back has developed a bit of a hobby he enjoys to partake in from time to time to spice up his otherwise decent displays of NFL acumen: spewing Haterade in the faces of young NFL quarterbacks, as evidenced by his near-obsessive, somewhat Quixotic evisceration of Vince Young a few years back (here’s a primer). Thankfully, another field general who Hoge deems unworthy of such a lofty position in the National Football League has come along to take the mantle away from Vince Young as the “Worst Quarterback Ever To Throw A Football Ever On God’s Green Gridiron” (my title, not Hoge’s):
Tim Tebow. Lord have mercy. Does Hoge have any idea who he is messing with?
Now, Hoge is just getting warmed up, as I expect him to soon become a crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth zealot in his quest to bury Tebow as soon as he rejoins Ron Jaworski and Sal Paolantonio on the set of NFL Matchup, but in order to ensure he’s adequately prepared to completely dismantle Tim Tebow when the cameras start to roll, he took to Twitter and really laid it on thick regarding how wholly unprepared and complete unqualified Tebow is for the NFL game and how the Broncos would be foolish to start him over Kyle Orton (via Sporting News):
- Sitting watching tape off bronco offense from last year! Orton or Tebow? It’s embarrassing to think the broncos could win with tebow!!
- Orton or tebow? QB play is not just about who works hard gives rare rare college speeches or who is a good guy!! Because orton works hard
- And is a good guy as well. It’s about who can play!! I just watched Tebow throw 5 out routes to a wide open WR! He was 1 for 5! 2 went in
- Dirt 2 in the stands! That throwing motion he changed? U can’t change who u r! Just watched 2 throws and he throws like he did in college!!
- College credentials do not transfer to NFL raw raw speeches do not work! You must poses a skill set to play! Tebow struggle with accuracy!
Jeez, Merril. Why don’t you tell us how you really feel about Tebow? No, I’m serious. Don’t pull any punches, either. We can handle it. Just really let loose on the guy.
Merril Hoge: ‘Embarrassing to think Broncos could win with Tebow’ [Sporting News]
Granted, they are much bigger and make a bunch of money, but the defensive acumen the infield of the Oakland Athletics displayed on this play during Tuesday night’s game is any indication when Brendan Ryan reached third on an infield single, some remedial defensive drills more appropriate for six-year-old boys might be in order.
Seattle Mariners shortstop Brendan Ryan hit a ball deep into the hole at short, where Eric Bedard fielded it but was unable to make a strong throw to first, pulling first baseman Conor Jackson off the bag and even if his throw had been true with some heat behind it, because of Ryan’s hustle, the batter probably would have been safe either way.
Now this is where the skullduggery and tomfoolery begins: as Jackson walks the ball back to the mound, Ryan noticed no one was covering second base, so he makes a mad dash to the bag, sliding in safe without a throw. Ryan then noticed no one covering third, either, so he took that bag as well. Unbelievable. Just like what occurs at my nephew’s tee ball games, I imagine there were a bunch of people yelling, “THROW THE BALL!! THROW IT!”
The Athletics themselves were unable to come up with a decent explanation for the colossal defensive brain fart (via MLB.com):
“I don’t even know what to say,” Jackson said. “I’ve never seen anything like that. That’s a first. I turn around and he’s halfway to second and no one’s there. I didn’t want to throw it, with no one out there, and then he gets all the way to third base.”
Not surprisingly, it was a career first for Ryan.
“Not two [bases],” he said. “I’ve done second a few times, but not two of them. It’s really just a wacky opportunity that presented itself and I was just looking for the next bag and was able to get it.”
A’s manager Bob Melvin simply chalked it up to “a communication problem.”
“When Sizemore goes for the ball, and Sogard comes in behind him, Sizemore has to cover second, Sogard has third, Weeks is backing up first,” he said. “It’s not a lack of hustle or focus, just a lack of communication. When they saw him going to second, they both broke for second, and then he broke for third.”
Yes, lack of communication. Or a reason to order a bunch of Tom Emanski Instructional Videos for repeat viewing in the clubhouse. Well done, Oakland Athletics. You have given us a tremendous video with which we can mock and ridicule your team for days to come. Bravo.
A’s fall to M’s in contest marked by the bizarre [MLB.com]
Aaaand The Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” claims yet another victim. Ladies and gentlemen, Minnesota Timberwolves guard/forward Martell Webster is learning a whole lot about sharks, perhaps a bit too much, as evidenced by the above tweet.
Although I do have one concern, or at least a question, regarding Martellus’ tweet: he does understand that eating whale blubber causes sharks to get randy and have orgies, and that does not necessarily mean it has the same effect on humans. Or is he insinuating he’d be game to take part in an orgy with sharks? Because that just sounds flat out dangerous.
[H/T Pro Basketball Talk]
With the bevy of splashy moves the Philadelphia Eagles organization has made since the lifting of the lockout in assembling quite the formidable roster, head coach Andy Reid has started to have to field questions regarding the belief that the Iggles are in the midst of creating a super-powered, unstoppable force that opponents will tremble in fear upon facing on the gridiron, or in other words, some kind of “Dream Team.” Given Reid’s recent response, he would like to shed that label as quickly as it has been applied to his team.
Via Pro Football Talk:
“I’ve heard you guys comment about Dream Teams and all that stuff, and players come in talking about it, and all of that, but these guys haven’t had an opportunity to practice,” Reid said. “So right now we’ve got a lot of good-looking guys standing around watching. Obviously, dreams aren’t reality.”
Fair enough. Dreams, technically, are not reality. I’m glad Reid cleared that one up for us. However, there are occasions where the dream world, through means not always understandable to the human mind, can infiltrate or become intertwined with the real world, often times in ways that are a danger for those who attempt to harness the power of the unknown. I guess all I am saying is if the Philadelphia Eagles announce the signing of a Frederick Krueger to their practice squad, look out, because while I cannot say exactly what Philadelphia aims to accomplish with such a drastic move, it won’t be pretty.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Dokken video to watch on YouTube. Sweet dreams.
Note: Originally, instead of “A Nightmare On Elm Street” reference, I was going to go with an allusion to the movie Dreamscape, but I figured perhaps only five of you at best would get the reference, given the age of that particular film. But in any event, that Dennis Quaid. What an actor.
Andy Reid: “Dreams aren’t reality … we’re not into that” [Pro Football Talk]
Then again, I am not saying whatever that is sitting on Dwyane Wade’s dinner plate does not eerily resemble a certain something that no entree should ever resemble, either. Egad.
The “main course,” as it were, even has its own nifty ring (so the diner can “last” longer? Wait. What?), if you follow what I’m getting at with that. Also, the bean is a nice touch. Or a terrible, terrible one, depending on which way you’re going at it. Wait, going at it – that’s even more unnecessary innuendo, and there’s plenty of that to go around right there on Dwyane Wade’s plate. Once again, egad.
[image via]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• When will the infringement upon our rights to wear bunny costumes in public ever cease? Apparently, voluminous complaints have been directed at William Falkingham, 34, by residents of Idaho Falls, primarily because the bunny man’s antics are frightening children. One woman accused Falkingham of hiding behind a tree in the bunny suit and pointing his finger like a gun at her son. Okay, that’s pretty creepy. [Yahoo!]
• Another “Little” issue with Winnipeg Jets history has been resolved. [Puck Daddy]
• Speaking of the Jets, check out this lady’s Winnipeg Jets logo tattoo. [Busted Coverage]
• Applebee’s: where Texas and Oklahoma college football fans get in knife fights. [Off the Bench]
• Studies indicate that leaving the doughnut weight on your bat when you go up to the plate can negatively affect your chances of success. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Colin Cowherd: still an incredible moron. [Awful Announcing]
• Mark your calendars: Ron Artest will officially become Metta World Peace on August 26th. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Sometimes even missed dunks can be pretty impressive. [The Basketball Jones]
• There’s some good news regarding Gary Carter’s battle with cancer. [Bob's Blitz]
• Awesome: KSK’s fantasy football team naming guide. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Yep, I can see Randy Moss’ Hall of Fame bust looking exactly like this. [TAUNTR]
• Video: The rise and fall of LeBron James. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Headline: Jay Cutler Breaks Up with His Center After Bad Snap. Ha. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: I Wish Someone At This Wedding Would Dance With That Girl In A Wheelchair Already
Ha! Take that, rookie! You just got healthy dose of a little something the veterans call a good old fashioned rookie hazing, good sir! Imagine having to not only carry your own shoulder pads back to the locker room from the practice field but also suffering the indignity of carrying the pads of the other fellows who play the same position as you. Look, he has Tom Brady’s shoulder pads and Brian Hoyer’s pads as well! Burn!
Yeah, I bet Ryan Mallett thought was going to waltz into New England Patriots training camp and suffer nary an embarrassment, not one awkward experience, but I bet even he got the message quite clearly. Hey Ryan, you’re not in (Ar)kansas anymore. Get it?
It’s stuff like this that makes me relieved that I never pursued a career in NFL quarterbacking.
(click to enlarge)
[images via]
