Archive for July, 2011
I guess what they say in Hollywood is true: people will go to great lengths and do just about anything – including moving to Venezuela and becoming a face-painting soccer fan – in order to avoid ever having to work again with Jeff Goldblum.
[image via]
About a week ago, Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett (a longtime favorite here at the Sportress) took to Twitter to announce a new addition to his home: a pet alligator he affectionately named Nino. Of course, upon hearing the news, the folks at PETA, as they are wont to do, sent Dockett a sternly-written letter protesting his ownership of a wild animal. Of course, Dockett protested their protests by insisting that he was more than well-equipped to care for Nino the Alligator, evidenced by his strict adherence to his new pet’s dietary needs by stating that Nino thoroughly enjoys nutrition-rich items such as Ruth Chris steaks and Bob Evans pancakes.
Now, Dockett has upped the ante by responding once again to PETA’s complaints by mocking them with the following tweet (via SB Nation):
I just got the Letter from @peta lmfao! I’m gonna next day this sh*t right back to em! With a pic of me and NINO eating at Waffle house!
Oooh, burn. That’ll learn ‘em at PETA. Although I do have one question regarding Dockett’s masterful plan: now, it’s been years since I have been in a Waffle House, but I have to assume even the greasiest of a greasy spoon of a restaurant chain that is the Waffle House might frown upon bringing an alligator into one of their restaurants. Unless it’s so drunk it might urinate all over the floor and vomit at the table. Because if that were the case, Nino the Alligator would fit right in with the rest of the regular clientele who frequent the joint.
Darnell Dockett Receives Letter From PETA, Has An Idea For A Response [SB Nation]
It’s funny because…um, well…really, it’s not funny at all. Not a bit.
Obviously, we all know what this guy was trying to get at with his clever little Arizona Cardinals jersey. Or at least we can assume what perverse sexual message he was attempting to get across. But I have a radically different idea: maybe his jersey isn’t a nod to inappropriate sexual innuendo after all. Maybe, just maybe, he’s referring to 69 chicken wings for a mid-afternoon snack. Or alternatively, the amount of fat grams needed in a dish before he would even consider eating it. I guess what I’m getting at is he’s a bit overweight and likely enjoys vast quantities of food. Maybe that’s not nice, but I’m not the guy who bought a customizable #69 Arizona Cardinals jersey and selected “Love To Eat” for the name. He was kind of asking for it, to be perfectly honest.
[via BuzzFeed]
Obviously, at first glance, this Kevin Youkilis puppet looks cute and cuddly, but peer into its cold, lifeless eyes and let them draw you in and I have to tell you, hoo boy, I’m getting far worse chills than I ever did from that damn creepy clown from Poltergeist. And that’s saying something.
Perhaps some of you will disagree, and say that there’s no way this lovable-looking bearded puppet which is a spot-on representation of the Red Sox infielder has hardly any quality which could be deemed sinister or spooky, but let me ask you this: would you want this thing sitting in the corner of your room, let alone lying underneath your bed? Think about it. Crap, I’d rather spend a terrifying, restless evening trying to get a little shuteye while Mr. Marbles hauntingly roams the hallways.
(shudders)
[H/T Getting Blanked (via Off the Bench)]
And no, I am not referring to Vitale’s unrequited man love for Coach K and all thing Dukie, although that could be an argument set forth at another time. Nope, on this occasion, I am referencing a tweet from Mr. Vitale just a short time ago in which he claims to be more impressed with Derek Jeter’s impressive conquests in the realm of bagging some major femininas during his life as opposed to him reaching the 3,000 hit plateau:
Forget Jeter’s 3000 + hits his biggest accomplishment is he has dated Alba-Carey- Biel-& many other starlets – now Minka Kelly Wow that=STAR
DIPSY-DOO, NO E.D.-A-ROO-FOR-DICKIE-V-IF-HE-EVER-HAD-THE-CHANCE-TO-LAND-ONE-OF-JETER’S-PAST-GIRLFRIENDS-BECAUSE-HE’S-ON-THE-CIALIS-BANDWAGON-A-ROO-WOO-HOO!!!
I admit that’s a bit wordy, but you get where I was going with it. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised with Dick Vitale focusing on Jeter’s womanizing, what with his long-standing affiliation with Hooters. And his rapturous, obsessive Dukie love, but once again, that’s another story altogether.
[via @DickieV]
Well, perhaps I shouldn’t be too hasty in that assertion: initial tests came back negative, but Phil Pritchard, the so-called Keeper of the Cup, is still awaiting further results, so I guess we’ll just have to wait it out.
But what I can disclose that Lord Stanley’s Cup did in fact make an appearance last Friday at Pandora’s Box, Aerosmith’s recording studio.
From Aero Force One (via Puck Daddy, who will be documenting the Cup’s travels this offseason in its running feature, “Chronicles of Stanley”):
One of the most prestigious trophies of all of sports, The Stanley Cup made its second visit to Aerosmith’s studio, “Pandora’s Box,” on Friday. The band’s producer, Jack Douglas, arranged to have the Cup there with some of the Bruins training staff. The boys took about an hour off from recording while they posed for pictures with Lord Stanley’s bowl. As you may remember back in 2003, Boston native Jay Pandolfo of the champion New Jersey Devils brought the loving Cup to the same studio when the band was recording “Honkin’ on Bobo” with Jack. Déjà vu all over again! That was sweet but this is much sweeter since it was the hometown Bruins who won it this time. Hopefully this will be an annual thing.
Indeed. I suppose for the Aerosmith fellas, who are sometimes referred to as “The Bad Boys of Boston,” their time spent with the Stanley Cup, now that was back in the hands of the Beantown Bruins, was full of “Sweet Emotion.” You know, because it was too easy to make that reference. Hey, at least I didn’t try to insinuate that Aerosmith’s handling of the Cup had something to do with”Love In An Elevator,” because that would have been woefully inappropriate (hence the allusion to the Cup contracting an STD. Either way, I guess you could say “I’m Livin’ on the Edge” with these weaksauce references.
Okay, I’m done. And deeply ashamed. Ya happy?
Stanley Cup Visits Pandora’s Box! [Aero Force One (via Puck Daddy)]
Pictured above is 6-year-old Reagan Kennedy from Bloomington, Illinois. While out on a golf outing with her family on July 6th, little Reagan rolled in a hole-in-one on the third hole at The Links at Ireland Grove golf course. It was an 85-yard shot she hit with a 4-hybrid, but perhaps more impressive than the actual shot was was her reaction after draining it. Bearing in mind the teachings from her father regarding appropriate golf course etiquette, Reagan modestly and quietly walked back to the cart with little more than a shrug of her little shoulders.
Via Pantagraph.com:
“We told her this is one time you can scream,” said sister Cheyenne Broquard, 13. “It didn’t hit her until the seventh hole and she said I’m going to get another one. We said ‘OK, hot shot.’”
“She’s really good,” said Cheyenne.
Cheyenne said they were deciding which club Reagan should use when they approached the tee on No. 3.
“We were like Reagan, you’ve got some muscles. Why don’t you try the 4-hybird?” said Cheyenne. “Dad lined her up, and she just swung at it. It was awesome, backswing and follow through. It bumped up right before the green, starting rolling and disappeared.”
Damn. That’s impressive. I have been golfing for 20+ years and I haven’t even come withing sniffing distance of an ace. It hardly seems fair.
Playing since she was two, Reagan had this to say about why she enjoys golfing so much, other than the fact that she’s already better than 90% of the hacks typically seen duffing it around the course on weekends:
“I get to do it with my dad.”
Awww, that’s too sweet. What an adorable little girl. Nevertheless, I’m still jealous of her impressive accomplishment. And I still might have to quit golfing after reading this story. To put it plainly, I stink. I ain’t no Reagan Kennedy. Further, if there happened to be another young golfing girl whose presidential-referencing name was not quite as dignified as Reagan Kennedy’s, say Carter Nixon, for example, she’d probably be way better than me, too.
6-year-old girl makes record hole in one [Pantagraph.com]
Take that, LeBron James! The above photo, taken at the Cleveland airport of an ad for Cliffs Natural Resources, “a Cleveland, Ohio business firm that specializes in the mining and beneficiation of iron ore and the mining of coal.” Done in the style of the LeBron James’ “Witness” ad campaign from back when he was adored and worshiped by the Ohio masses, the message here is that even large Cleveland business conglomerates are still bitter about LeBron James skipping town, or at the very least are willing to co-opt the bitterness felt towards James by the local populace in order to generate some goodwill towards their company.
As you can see, Cliffs Natural Resources has been around for 163 years and has no plans on leaving anytime soon. That is until they have completely mined all the coal and iron ore out of the area. Then they’ll probably take their talents elsewhere, probably to a region where there is more iron ore and coal to be mined through which they will generate massive profits for its shareholders. It’s business, nothing personal, Clevelanders.
[via @tomrotunno, yfrog]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• How delightfully white trashy. A 57-year-old man was arrested at a Rapid City, South Dakota Walmart after he took a beer out of a case on a shelf, drank it and then promptly tried to put the opened can back in the case. When that didn’t work, Perry Arpan placed it in another aisle and attempted to leave the store, where he was stopped by security. Wait, they sell beer at Walmart? That’s crazy. [azcentral]
• Who woulda thunk it? LeBron’s fan approval rating is at an all-time low. [Off the Bench]
• Video: man catches ball at Home Run Derby, saves his beer. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Hillary Duff and her NHL hubby Mike Comrie went on vacation in Italy, resulting in bikini photos of Hillary hitting the interwebs. [Busted Coverage]
• Hank Haney hates America. [Dogs That Chase Cars]
• Prince Fielder’s son had a Milwaukee Brewers logo shaved into his head. [Big League Stew]
• Chicago Bulls broadcaster Stacey King revealed on Twitter his unusual celebration methods after the U.S. beat Brazil in the Women’s World Cup. [Ball Don't Lie]
• The worst Major League All-Star players from the 2000s. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• The one where Steve Wulf defends “The Decision.” [Deuce of Davenport]
• Check out this kid’s catch during the Home Run Derby last night. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The five best “real” MLB nicknames. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Hilarious: Jon Gruden has some solid advice for Terrelle Pryor. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators
Okay, if we’re talking about heavy metal fist pumps and raised lip sneering, I’d have to go with the Billy Idol impersonator, but just by a hair. If we’re talking about an unbalanced squirt gun war, obviously, I’ll have to side with Phillie Phanatic on that score. But really, that’s a no-brainer.
For some reason known only to the folks who run the in-game entertainment at Citizens Bank Park, there was a Billy Idol impersonator on hand for Sunday’s Phillies-Braves game. At some point, both the Billy Idol Impersonator Guy and the Phillie Phanatic were entertaining the crowd on top of one of the dugouts. Territories were breached, personal spaces were violated, tempers flared and one black leather jacket-bound doppelganger got doused.
Before we move on to the video (below), I do have one side question: how in demand are Billy Idol impersonators these days? If you ask me, I would think you could probably get the real Billy Idol at a modestly fair price. Just saying.
Mmmm…eleven secret herbs and spices…
After a recent series of tweets related to the NBA lockout where Dwyane Wade jokingly inquired whether anyone was hiring, KFC has seized the opportunity to generate a little publicity for their delicious product by offering up a donation of $250,000 in Wade’s name to the restaurant’s scholarship fund, Colonel’s Scholars, if he serves as an “honorary captain” of a local franchisee’s drive-thru window. Wade worked at a KFC as a teenager.
The letter containing the offer, available here in pdf form (via TMZ), is from KFC U.S. general manager John Cywinski. Here’s an excerpt:
We’ve always been proud to call you a former KFC employee and, it goes without saying we’d love to have you back on our team dishing out the World’s Best Chicken, like how you dish out assists on the court.
…
So let us know if you’re ready to suit up for our squad (as you’ll remember, we’ve got some pretty cool uniforms). Our original coach, the legendary Colonel Sanders, knew a thing or two about buckets. And who knows, if you make a KFC-team comeback, we might just share some of his secrets with you.
What that? This guy thinks he can offer up some of the Colonel’s trade secrets in exchange for a silly publicity stunt? I’ll tell you one thing: the old Colonel is spinning in his grave as we speak. Now, don’t get me wrong, I always loved his moist and delicious chicken, but oh, how I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
Nevertheless, I now have a hankering for some greasy, fried deliciousness. Damn you, Colonel!
KFC offers $250K donation if Wade works drive-thru window [CBS Sports]
KFC to Dwyane Wade: The Colonel Wants You Back! [TMZ]
Lookin’ good, Anonymous Lady Red Sox Fan, lookin’ good. Although I must say a better-fitting Papelbon shirt might have kept her tattoo more private. You know, for modesty’s sake.
[via BuzzFeed]
Showtime certainly knocked it out of the park (Get it? Ha!) by selecting the World Series champion San Francisco Giants as the team they chose to feature in their upcoming series, The Franchise: A Season With The San Francisco Giants. This is not only because it would have been silly to have a show where the title contains the name of a team that doesn’t even make an appearance in it, but also that the squad from the Bay Area is chock full of interesting stories and compelling personalities: Tim Lincecum, Barry Zito and “Kung Fu Panda” Pablo Sandoval to name of few, but most importantly, perhaps the most compelling and eccentric major leaguer playing in the big leagues today, Brian Wilson. I mean Brian Wilson, people. Forget about it.
The Franchise: A Season With The San Francisco Giants premieres on Showtime this Wednesday, July 13th at 9:00 p.m. ET/PT. I’d call that appointment television, folks. And trust me, I know all about things like these.
Many of you might have seen this already (over 1,000,000 views on YouTube, for Pete’s sake), but the link to this delightful little video has been sitting in my feeds for a week or two now, and since I am about to step out for a few hours and the fact that it is a Friday, I thought there was no better time to reference this Whimsical Display of Adorableness featuring a song from Pantera’s best album, Vulgar Display of Power. The song? “F**kin’ Hostile.” Sure, it might be a bit inappropriate to have a little kid rocking out to a song of that title, containing those lyrics, but come on, the little tyke ain’t going to remember this anyway. And further, Pantera rules. Let’s be frank here: it is far better for a child to be exposed to Pantera at a young age than The Wiggles.
And for people who have reading comprehension issues, let me make this abundantly clear: VIDEO CONTAINS PROFANITY. You have been warned. Now enjoy.
[via BuzzFeed]
I’m sure this is old news in the publishing business and among the members of the League of Extraordinary LeBron James Haters, but the title of the forthcoming book about LeBron James is new to me. And I love it.
The Whore Of Akron, slated for release on November 15th of this year and written by Esquire contributing journalist Scott Raab, technically has the longer title of The Whore of Akron: One Man’s Search for the Soul of LeBron James, but I like The Whore of Akron much better. It’s more concise, punchier. And I love punchy.
UPDATE: I just came up with an alternate title for the book, should Mr. Raab wish to reconsider:
LeBron, LeBron: One Man’s Strange, Quixotic Journey From Cleveland To South Beach
Not too shabby, eh? Heck, we could even have Bette Midler play the title role if the book was ever adapted into a Broadway show…
[via @darrenrovell on twitpic]
