Archive for June, 2011
“LeBron, I am your daddy.”
That’s good stuff right there. Even better? If Dirk Nowitzki really were Darth Vader, the pure oxygen emitted from the ventilator inside Lord Vader’s helmet would most certainly help treat Dirk’s lingering illness. If he wanted to, Dirk could even put a little Vick’s VapoRub right on the inside of it. That’s like a double dose of wellness treatment right there.
[via @brookiemiller]
HARF HARF HARF! That is so what LeBron James would say if he were in a commercial about beer but the commercial wasn’t really about beer but instead was about his inadequate performances during crunch time during the NBA Finals. You have to temporarily suspend the functioning of the critical thinking area of your brain to understand the comedic brilliance of this one. A frontal lobotomy would also work as well.
I only hope someone with half a brain out there in Internetland realizes the boundless comedic bounty available if one would simply put LeBron’s head on top of the “Where’s the Beef?” Lady’s body from those old Wendy’s commercials. No really, think about it. “Where’s the Beef?” Get it? Oh, you have to suspend the functioning of the critical thinking area of your brain first. Or get one of those lobotomies I referred to earlier.
Or better yet, somebody should do some video editing and mock up of that Life Call commercial so Lebron is saying, “I’m having….chest pains!” Ha! Yeah, that would be a hoot.
[via @darrenrovell]
Despite the fact that the night ended with an 8-3 victory for the Red Sox over the Yankees to complete a three-game sweep against their heated rivals, Red Sox DH David Ortiz was quite surly with the media after the game. Why? Because he believes it was the media’s fault that he was drilled in the right thigh by a pitch from CC Sabathia during the 4th inning. The game featured four hit batsman, three on the Yankees side, but Ortiz believes reports prior to the game which alluded to the fact that Ortiz has never been hit by a pitch in 160 games against the Yankees might have provided motivation for New York to finally plunk him.
Ortiz’s post game comments (via ESPN Boston):
“You waiting for me?’’ he said. “There will be no questions. Just Big Papi talking, and if you don’t like it, you can get the (expletive) out of here.
“I just want to thank you guys — not all of you, most of you — for the stat today of me not getting hit by the Yankees. I finally got hit. Hope you (expletives) are happy. I’m done.’’
After he made his statement, someone asked Ortiz where the pitch hit him.
“I don’t give an (expletive],’’ he said. “I already got hit. It doesn’t matter. Too late. Have a nice night.’’
Then, as he was walking away, he added: “You guys like to criticize us when we (expletive) up. Criticize yourself now.’’
Yes, media. Criticize yourself…for reporting a statistical oddity that when considered, seems difficult to believe. I’m not sure exactly to which specific report Ortiz is referring, but I saw a graphic on one of the eight editions of SportsCenter yesterday which detailed the interesting factoid.
But getting back to the point: how dare reporters and the media-at-large be so irresponsible and do things like reporting. Shameful. Sure, not as shameful as, say, tauntingly flipping one’s bat after hitting a home run and then, when asked about how the opposing manager taking offense to the act, getting all pissy and insisting that said opposing manager “take it like a man.” But hey, still pretty shameful.
In any event, Big Papi should quit bellyaching about getting hit by a pitch on his thigh. It happens. Sabathia wasn’t headhunting, so he should simmer down a bit. And instead of lashing out at the media for doing their jobs, perhaps he should take his own advice and take it like a man.
Ortiz blames media for getting hit by pitch [ESPN Boston]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Thanks for the editorial comment in the headline, Tommy from Quinzee, but let’s get back to the story. What once was a ginormous pile of snow is still holding on in a Framingham parking lot, despite recent temperatures that have reached well into the 90s. The dwindling reminder of a brutal, snowy winter, which is now nothing more than a pile of dirty ice, is still 16 feet long, 8 feet wide and 3 feet high. Fackin’ snow piles, right? [Yahoo!]
• An essay in defense of LeBron James. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• Kenny Britt has been charged with resisting arrest only one day after he was in court for a careless driving charge. [Larry Brown Sports]
• You know, Charles Barkley was right: here’s photographic evidence confirming Heat fans are the NBA’s biggest douchebags. [Busted Coverage]
• In the latest installment of Rick’s Cafe, Mr. Chandler argues that Mayweather’s Pacquiao-phobia draws eerie parallels to Bobby Fischer. Intriguing. [Off the Bench]
• 2011 LOL NBA Finals for Game 5. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Is ESPN obsessed with the Miami Heat. According to this screencap, why yes, yes they are. [Awful Announcing]
• Here’s video of an NBA ref air-humping. [It's Always Sunny in Detroit]
• How low can Wade and LeBron go? [Lewp's Weblog]
• Here are some amusing photos depicting LeBron’s 4th quarter contributions. [TAUNTR]
• Gnarly: video of two motorcycles doing side-by-side double backflips. [Bob's Blitz]
• Time for another edition of KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. Learn something. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store
According to a report, the Vancouver Canucks sell more apparel specifically geared toward the fairer sex than any other NHL team. In fact, nearly 30% of all Canucks clothing sold consists of women’s clothing, up from 8% a few years ago. Why? Because, at least according to some gals, the Canucks-specific gear is sexy.
Via the Toronto Star:
“The fitted jerseys are really nice,” says Melissa Dunn, who on this day sports a more conventional if tight-fitting Canucks T-shirt paired with white shorts. “They look better than the big, baggy ones the guys wear.”
I have to agree with her. And for a photo illustration, Melissa is the gal on the left in the photo below:
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• The 2012 Olympics torch looks like a cheese grater. [Off the Bench]
• Yeah, I don’t think Ozzie Guillen is taking the White Sox not drafting his son Ozney very well, either. [Foul Balls]
• The Detroit Pistons cannot be serious about Isiah Thomas, can they? [With Leather]
• A U.K. soccer mascot was fired due to some racy photos on the internet. [Busted Coverage]
• Florida Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison shaved off his body hair in an attempt to break out of a slump. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Six quotes from the ESPN book that explain ESPN’s and NBC’s NFL coverage. [Shutdown Corner]
• Nice paper heads, Mavs fans. [The Basketball Jones]
• The Westlake Community Pool Swim Team receives a little extra motivation from Coach Ryan. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: NHL: Toothless Players Gumming On Each Other’s Fingers Is Harmless
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
I’m not kidding here. According to The Dallas Morning News, the daily that came up with the idea for fans to submit edited photos making fun of LeBron James, these are the “Best LeDrawn James” photos. Seriously? This is the best they could come up with? Don’t they have Photoshop or some other kind of photo editing software in Dallas? These are simply brutal. Even I could have done better than this, and I’m an idiot with no photo editing skills whatsoever.
Here’s what the Morning News asked for:
At the beginning of the NBA Finals, we asked for you to create your best artwork on the canvas of Heat star LeBron James. The following are some of the best submissions we’ve gotten so far.
Artwork? Artwork my ass. No offense to those who submitted these MS Paint atrocities, but these are horrible and sophomoric, and believe you me, I know horrible and sophomoric.
Feel free to peruse after the jump a gallery consisting of what I believe to be the worst of the best of the submissions published by the paper – or the best of the worst, depending on your point of view – of the LeDrawn James photo edits.
Um, what? Now, I’m no great student of the grand game of cricket, but even a neophyte like myself can realize that teammates trying their best to be in complete synchronicity with each other is probably a bad idea. But what do I know? Maybe I should read the caption to see if it sheds any light on what could have possibly motivated these guys to act in unison:
From left, Matt Prior, Alastair Cook, Graeme Swann and Andrew Strauss of England watched as a shot from Sri Lanka’s Mahela Jayawardene slipped past during the fifth day of the second test match at Lord’s cricket ground in London.
Well, that didn’t help at all. Now I’m even more confused. Fifth day of the second test match? Why do they need five days to test something? Cricket is weird. And to be perfectly honest, the pose these blokes struck resemble me and my college chums when we did our brilliantly choreographed lip-sync performance of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” for the campus talent show. We so deserved to win. Tell me why we didn’t. Tell me why.
[image via]
Well that’s – that’s discrimination! One would think in this modern era that fans of two warring hockey teams vying for Stanley Cup glory could live harmoniously, sit next to each other as they belly up the bar and proceed to get blackout schnockered together.
But sadly, despite all the advancements made in American-Canadian relations over the years, there is one bar on Canal Street in Boston – Hurricane O’Reilly’s (an Irish-named bar in Boston? Get outta here!) – has gone out of its way to put Canucks Crazies on notice that during their time spent infiltrating Beantown during the Stanley Cup Finals, they will have a hard time getting their drink on within its not-so-friendly confines.
Dan Butler, general manager of Hurricane O’Reilly’s, above, created a sign indicating that Canucks fans are not welcome in his drinking establishment. Butler says that not only is the move a sterling example of the “Gotta Support The Team” mentality, it’s also a safety issue, with many drunken brouhahas and fisticuffs already erupting between Canucks fans and Bruins fans at other area bars.
Via the Boston Herald:
“If you’re wearing a Canucks jersey, we won’t let you in,” said Dan Butler, general manager at Hurricane O’Reilly’s. Butler, a Calgary native, said the bar has turned away 20 to 30 Vancouver fans during the first three games of the Stanley Cup finals.
“The bar down the street says, ‘We welcome all fans.’ And we’re like, ‘We don’t,’ ” he said about the friendly attitude at neighboring bar The Fours.
“We’ve had a couple guys come in and take off their jackets, and they had Canucks shirts on. We didn’t kick them out, but we sure let them have it,” Butler said of the good-natured ribbing.
Good-natured ribbing, eh? Yeah, that’s how overt institutional discrimination is always defined by the perpetrators of hate-based crimes against seemingly innocent hockey fans. I mean, can’t we all just get along? Apparently not. Granted, the animosity between the teams has certainly been kicked up a notch and that will always trickle down to the respective fan bases, especially in light of Aaron Rome’s blindside hit on Nathan Horton, which has resulted in both players not being available for the remaining games in the series, Rome via suspension and Horton due to injury. But the proprietors of Hurricane O’Reilly’s would be well-served to over-serve their Canadian visitors, as it has been often said by successful bar owners the world over: Do not judge a person by the color of their jersey, but by the content of their wallets.
Canucks crazies invade Canal St., but some taverns just say no [Boston Herald]
Who ya gonna call? Not Ray Parker, Jr., that’s for sure. Unless you want some smooth soul singer making moves on your wife.
For some reason perhaps only known to him, Tim Brando, who does a little bit of everything at CBS Sports and also serves as host of his own show on Sporting News Radio, elected today to relay a tawdry little story from the Swinging 70s in a blog entry earlier today regarding a chance meeting he had with none other than Ray Parker, Jr. who of course is best known for singing the theme song to Ghostbusters.
The disco era details, via Sporting News Radio:
I was trying to give Wolfman Jack a demo of my radio work in 1978. My new Bride and I were at the “Midnight Special” while on our honeymoon. While I was talking to the Wolfman…I look over to find Ray Parker JR talking to my wife! Well, she was hot and the only girl “of age” in the place. I cant blame him at all! I married way over my head!
Well, that’s certainly an interesting story. The only thing that would have made Brando’s tale of Ray Parker, Jr. horndoggish ways was for it to receive the “Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories” treatment. Cocaine’s a helluva drug. It was the 70s after all, ya dig? I mean, Wolfman Jack? Notorious coke fiend right there.
Ray Parker JR is a hound [Sporting News Radio]
Tim Tebow, on the practice tee at the FedEx St. Jude Classic: YE SINNER TITLEIST GOLF BALL: DO YOU ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR? SPEAK NOW AND UTTER YOUR REPENTANCE OR PREPARE TO BE SMITED OR SMITTEN OR WHATEVER! REPENT! REPENT! NO?
(takes a mighty swing with such force the cover of the ball is knocked off)
Tebow: What can I say? I am very blessed. Although people who think they know everything say my swing motion is not good enough for the pro game. They too, one day, shall be smitten.
[via @Angel_XV]
Via The700Level comes this video showing how a young Phillies fan proves that girls can get in on the “niftily catching baseballs hit into the stands” action, too. Watch as she flashes the glove as she leans over the railing to snag this popup during Tuesday night’s Phillies-Dodgers game.
Well done, miss. Do you know how Baseball Tonight has “Web Gems”? Well, I would refer to this girl’s catch as a “Web Jem.” You know, because all the young girls are hip to the cartoon stylings of Jem and the Holygrams, right? They’re not? Well, they should be. It was a pretty good show.
Video: Young Phillies Fan Makes Sweet Catch [The700Level]
Teenybopper no-talent celebrities: they’re just like us! Except they go to NBA Finals games and hang out in luxury boxes while people with nothing better to do snap photos of them and upload said images to the internet. Otherwise, there’s not much difference between them and us peons. Oh, and they’re filthy rich, too. Can’t forget about that.
Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber, who, unbeknownst to me, have been granted the celebrity couple moniker “Jelena” (damn you, Tiger Beat! Keep me apprised of these developments!), were on hand to watch Game 4 of the Mavericks-Heat series in Dallas. But to be perfectly honest, I doubt they caught much of the action occurring on the court. You know how puppy love is – if not, get up to speed by listening to this Paul Anka song – what with how a young heart feels when a person is in it and whatnot. So cute.
[image via @itsohjelena]
During a charity appearance Tuesday to announce the formation of the Kobe and Vanessa Bryant Family Foundation (KVBFF), whose mission is to reduce youth homelessness in Los Angeles and to “help [homeless youth] kick butt,” Kobe Bryant appeared irritated with questions regarding the Lakers’ hiring of new head coach Mike Brown and adamantly refused to discuss it. Given that this was the first public appearance by Bryant since the hiring was announced, it made sense that the assorted media would try to get some reading on Kobe’s thoughts, but the star would have none of it, instead preferring to focus on the matter of the day.
Via CBS Sports:
“Right now is not the time nor the place,” he said in a stern tone. “We’re here to focus on bigger issues, greater issues, and that’s these kids that are here at the back. It’s not fair to them. When the time comes, I will address that, but right now is not that time.”
Asked when that time would be, Bryant cut off his questioner, saying, “Now is not the time.”
As much as it made sense for the press to try to sneak in a question or two regarding the Lakers, it was just as appropriate for Kobe to sidestep the queries. It was a charity event after all. But sooner or later, Bryant is going to have to address the hiring of Brown, whether he wants to or not. Unless he plans on ignoring the entire issue altogether. I can see it now…
Reporter: Kobe, it’s the first day of training camp, have you had an opportunity to talk with Coach Brown?
Kobe: Right now is not the time nor the place. We’re here to focus on bigger issues, greater issues, and that’s these players that are here on the court. It’s not fair to them. When the time comes, I will address that, but right now is not that time.
Hey, it could happen. We are dealing with the mercurial personality that is Kobe Bryant here and who knows how he’s going to handle not being able to hand pick Phil Jackson’s successor (Bryant reportedly wanted longtime Lakers assistant Brian Shaw for the job), let alone not even being consulted on the hire. The guy can be an incredibly bitter and ornery cur when he chooses to be one. On the other hand, had Mike Brown been a young homeless person, well, that would have been an entirely different story.
At homeless event, Kobe says it’s no place to discuss hire [CBS Sports]
Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira is nursing a sore right knee after getting drilled by a 90 mph fastball from Jon Lester during the first inning Tuesday night’s New York’s 6-4 loss to the Boston Red Sox. Teixeira missed the remainder of the game as a result of the hit by pitch and it is unlikely that he will be in the lineup for tonight’s tilt. But do not fear, Yankees fans: x-rays were negative and the injury was diagnosed as only a knee contusion.
More than that, however, is the first baseman’s apparent reliance on a tried and true method of making speedy recoveries from injuries: rest, and more importantly praying. Yep, according to the above tweet, Teixeira will be utilizing the power of prayer to hasten his return to the diamond. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always snake handling, I guess.
Amen.
