Archive for June, 2011
It doesn’t even seem fair: NFL players, locked out, trying to pass the time, decide to be pseudo hosts of a pornography event and when said porno event uses their likenesses in their NFL uniforms, the league gets all pissy about it. The heck, right?
But apparently such a hullabaloo appears to be in the offing after an image of Chicago Bears safety Major Right, as well as other NFL players including Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Brandon Flowers (not the guy from The Killers), appeared in a promotional poster for last month’s Exxxotica Expo 2011 in Miami. The league is currently investigating, because hey, it’s not like they have anything more important to focus on.
Via WLS-TV:
“The NFL office works on behalf of the clubs to protect their intellectual property rights in matters such as this” said NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy after receiving a copy of an ad first disclosed by the ABC7 I-Team. The ad for last month’s Exxxotica Expo 2011 in Miami showed photos of five NFL players in their team uniforms. Among them was Bears safety Major Wright, a Miami native.
“Our legal team is reviewing the ad. In general, companies not affiliated with the NFL or its clubs may not depict a player in his uniform” said McCarthy.
Fair enough. While I can see why the NFL would want to take such a firm stance regarding the unlicensed, unauthorized use of its brand, it’s not like the players showed up at the event dressed in full uniform, although that would have been pretty cool. Further, perhaps the NFL shouldn’t take such a shortsighted position on this issue. NFL + Hardcore Porn? Imagine how much money the NFL could make on such a partnership. I mean, talk about an “untapped” market, so to speak.
NFL looks into porn event ad featuring Chicago Bear [WLS-TV]
Yet another shining example of baseball institutional brilliance. We here at the Sportress – well, actually, just me as I am the only one – have touched upon the madcap antics of our local independent minor league baseball team, the St. Paul Saints, on more than one occasion, but the Mike Veeck-led organization has outdone themselves with their latest promotion, which capitalizes on the current huge political story that takes our attention away from the real issues: Anthony Weiner’s proclivity for posting penis pics, derivatively known as Weinergate.
I’ll allow the Saints’ press release regarding their “National Hot Dog Day With Tweeting Wiener” event. The press release explains (via RandBall):
On Saturday, July 23 the first 1,501 fans 18 and over in attendance will receive a commemorative pair of Tweeting Wiener Boxer Shorts. The boxers will honor National Hot Dog Day with an image on the front of a blue bird taking a photo of a Wiener with his phone.
The state that has received the biggest coverage, of late, for its Wiener’s is New York. Photographic evidence (and police records) show they come in all shapes and sizes, and can be sent across the world via cell phones and the internet. Of course, we’re referring to the Annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest held annually on July 4. Two lucky fans will have a chance to win round trip tickets to the July 4, 2012 contest. In order to win, fans can tweet a photo of their best-looking Wieners (from the grill) to @StPaulSaints. Twitter accounts hacked into will be ineligible initially. On July 23, the photos will be shown on the Saints video board and fans will choose a contest Wiener.
During the evening, the Saints will have their very own Tweeting Wiener, as Master of Ceremonies Joe Wiener (seriously, that’s his name) will send out tweets and twit pics during the night from the top of the third base dugout. It is expected that following the game, Saints fans will encourage Wiener to resign.
Ha. Come in all shapes and sizes. Tweeting photos of their best-looking Wieners. Gold. A tip of the cap to you, St. Paul Saints. This is definitely a ballpark promotion that won’t leave fans flaccid. So to speak.
National Hot Dog Day With Tweeting Wiener [Official Site of the St. Paul Saints (via RandBall)]
(image via)
And the naysayers nayed. But I knew it was going to happen someday. I linked to this absolutely, certifiably, unbelievably awesome video featuring Ben Crane, Rickie Fowler, Bubba Watson and Hunter Mahan a/k/a The Golf Boys performing their hit single “Oh Oh Oh” in today’s Wake N’ Blog, but I have decided that not giving this spectacle a post of its own would be a grave disservice to not only this blog, but to the interwebs altogether. It’s that good and if by publishing this post one more person sees it during the perusal of the ‘tubes, my work has been down.
Friggin’ brilliant. Exceedingly awesome. Additional generic exclamatory comment. Well done, gents. And best of luck in the U.S. Open, fellas. Swing it like a boomerang-a-tang come around-round wanna hit the top-top OOH-DAH LOLLY LOLLY. Or something. Hells yeah.
[H/T Dogs That Chase Cars]
It’s funny, you see, because back in 1997, we had no idea what kind of whoremonger Tiger Woods would become – or already was – who’s to say? Funny how despite the fact that Tiger isn’t in the field of this year’s U.S. Open, he still manages, albeit through non-conventional means, to horn in on the coverage. Heh. Horn in.
The above ad appeared in The Washington Post‘s U.S. Open preview section in 1997, the last time the Open was held at Congressional Country Club in nearby Bethesda. Yeah right, he doesn’t pick up chicks in his green jacket. While I might concede that he didn’t feel the need to throw on his green jacket to pick up chicks, how much do you want to bet he banged the bejeezus out of a harlot or two while sporting it? There’s more than a decent chance that very scenario played out with some frequency.
[H/T @lindsapple (via D.C. Sports Bog)]
Sweet sassy molassey. Nothing wrong with that. What? It is too sports-related. I mean, the absolutely stunning Arianny Celeste is a UFC ring girl after all and while it is a commercial for a marginal beer, the ad is also a promotion for UFC 132, so, um…yeah. Oh, and she’s mighty purty.
I like limes.
[via BuzzFeed]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• I guess this guy didn’t want to give himself a chance to get the munchies. There was only one problem with Jose Barrea deciding to toke up in a McDonald’s drive-thru in Elgin, Illinois: their was a cop right behind him. Said police officer smelled the pungent odor of marijuana smoke and witnessed Barrea blowing a hit out of his window. Upon further inspection, a Tupperware container full of bud was found in the car as well. Did Barrea at least get to eat his Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese before he was hauled off? [msnbc]
• Count Charles Barkley among those who believe there will be no basketball next season. [Off the Bench]
• In case you missed it, here’s a photo of Mark Cuban taking a piss while holding the championship trophy. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The Golf Boys, a faux boy band featuring PGA golfers, is teh awesome. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• What is the deal with the Shaquille O’Neal sex tape/gang members story? [The Basketball Jones]
• Killer golf shorts, Craig Sager! [Busted Coverage]
• CBS gave Rich Rodriguez a job. [Awful Announcing]
• PBA bowling smack talk? PBA bowling smack talk. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The best pictures of Mike Tyson. [Unathletic]
• Six charts explaining the Stanley Cup Finals. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NASA Finds Evidence Of Humans On Moon
The text of LeBron’s message, where he congratulates the Dallas Mavericks, thanks his fans, teammates and coaches:
Congratulations Mavericks on the championship
…especially Dirk, J.Kidd, & Terry who have done so much for our league and worked so hard to get here.They deserve all the credit for what they have accomplished.Thank you to all my family, friends and especially the fans for standing by me this year.Miami fans are incredible.A special thank you to my teammates, coaches and Pat Riley and Micky Arison for all of their support.A lot to learn from this year, a lot to build on, and a lot of work to do this summer.
I’ve been hating on LeBron here at the Sportress all season, but I’ll admit that this was a classy maneuver by King James. Finally. It demonstrates a humility not seen from James in, well, perhaps ever.
Good on you, LeBron. Maybe we’ve been wrong about this guy. Maybe he can figure it out after all.
[via lebronjames.com]
That’s it: no offense to the Boston Bruins, but after watching this adorable little wee lad utilize the melody to a classic Twisted Sister tune in order to create his own personal Vancouver Canucks anthem, I have no choice but to pull for his favorite team in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals on Wednesday night.
From the proud vlogger parent:
Our 4 year old son has learned a few Classic Rock tunes from Canucks games and composed his own Fan Song in the car today. I missed the first 3 verses before I could pull over and set up the camera to record him, but his creativity still shows!
Awesome. As an aside, this Mini Canucks Fan Man reminds me of another kid who became an internet sensation courtesy of his impromptu – albeit quite entertaining – backseat of a car performance. That’s right: if we could get this kid and the “David After Dentist” tyke together, man, I’m telling you, we’re talking mucho pageviews, my friends.
[via BuzzFeed]
Ouch. This is a particularly brutal dunk attempt by a vertical leap-challenged basketball player during a game at Kandahar University in southern Afghanistan. As you can see, his efforts not only came up short, he also hung on the rim and his body’s subsequent momentum caused him to come crashing down in a bone-crunching heap of ill-coordinated humanity.
But back to the title: Afghan Men Can’t Jump. It would be kind of like My Giant-White Men Can’t Jump hybrid buddy film. Can we get Wesley Snipes to sign on to it if I wrote-up a script treatment? Okay, maybe not Wesley, what with him being incarcerated and all, but how about Woody Harrelson? Too blazed on ganja? Okay, how about Billy Crystal? Not interested? Huh. I wouldn’t have wanted him anyway. Excuse me for a moment…
(picks up imaginary phone) “Grace? Could you get Gheorghe Muresan’s agent on the phone for me? Super.”
Ah, that Grace. Great gal. But seriously, imagine it: Muresan’s triumphant return to the silver screen. I can picture him now in Bad Dunking Afghan Man’s role. Now, if that pitch doesn’t drum up some production money in Tinseltown, I don’t know what will. I guess we’ll just have to round out the rest of the cast down the road. Minor issue, I assure you…
[H/T The Dagger]
You may ask yourself, “What the hell is a ‘Fanwich’ contest?” To answer that query, I will inform you that it is a sandwich constructed in honor of a player, inspired by this commercial, one of ESPN’s many “It’s Not Crazy, It’s Sports” promos. Even so, you may ask yourself, “Why in the hell would this commercial necessitate actually having something call a ‘Fanwich’ contest?” Further, you may ask yourself, “Am I right?…Am I wrong?” And you may tell yourself, “MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
Oops. Got Talking Heads on the brain there for a second. Apologies.
Moving on, behold - The Matt Cain: World Championship Edition from Ike’s Place in San Francisco, a delectable creation named after the San Francisco Giants starting pitcher, which was just voted as the best sports-inspired sandwich in the country. The details, via ESPN Media Zone:
Ike’s Place in San Francisco earned the most votes for a sandwich inspired by Cain’s scoreless-inning streak in the 2010 post season. The winning sandwich commemorated the streak by putting Roast Beef, Salami, Turkey, Beer Battered Mozzarella Sticks, Ike’s Dirty Secret Sauce, Ike’s Godfather Sauce, Ripe Green California Avocado and, since every Champ gets a ring, Golden Beer Battered Onion Rings, all on a French roll.
Mozzarella sticks? On a sandwich? That’s kooky talk! But I will tell you this: it sure sounds scrumptious. And the sammie’s namesake apparently agrees. I’ll take two of those bad boys. And a bottle of Rolaids – if you can find them. Seriously, what in the hell happened to Rolaids. I cannot find them anywhere.
Anyhoo, the press release has other interesting morsels of factoids regarding the contest, but the one I found most interesting was the following:
- Bacon was the most used meat, appearing in 61 fanwiches. That’s 32.8 percent of sandwiches. Beef was the runner-up with 60 appearances.
Ah yes. Bacon. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.
Ike’s Place, in San Francisco, Wins ESPN’s Fanwiches Contest [ESPN Media Zone]
Remember when LeBron made the following comments about all the haters who have been hating on him the entire ever-hating season?
“At the end of the day, all the people that was rooting on me to fail, they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today,” he said.
“They have the same personal problems they had today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want to do with me and my family and be happy with that.”
You do? Well, I should say you should remember it: LeBron only said it less than two days ago. But guess what? Just like every other time since “The Decision” when LeBron said something certifiably idiotic and was forced to backtrack, LeBron is once again backpedaling away from his comments the same way he backpedaled away from being a leader on his team in crunch time during the Finals.
To wit: James’ comments to the Sun Sentinel’s Ira Winderman, which were published on his Twitter account (via the fine NBC Sports NBA blog, Pro Basketball Talk):
“It wasn’t saying I’m better or superior than anyone else. I would never look at myself as bigger.”
“It was interpreted different than what I wanted…Everyone has to move on with their lives and I do, too.”
Ah yes. Not interpreted the way he wanted. I can see that. To be honest, after thinking about it again, I don’t see how anyone could have interpreted LeBron’s statements when he said people would still have to wake up with the same personal problems despite his epic fail of a performance in the Finals and think he was taking a personal shot at the have-nots of society, a segment of the population he clearly does not consider himself a member. He’s not saying he is better or superior – even though he believes he is - you see, whether or not you are a pathetic loser with a pathetic life (everybody else) or a person whose comments are frequently misinterpreted through no fault of their own (LeBron), both kinds of people just have to move on with their lives. LeBron never looks at himself as bigger, get it? You know, like Tom Hanks in that one movie. What was it called? Oh yeah, Turner & Hooch. I can’t believe we ever mistook anything LeBron has ever said. But at the same time, as far as speaking to the media is concerned, maybe LeBron should back off a little bit. Backing off: he knows how to do that with aplomb, correct?
LeBron talks quote about haters, his play in finals [Pro Basketball Talk]
At least we can hope. ESPN has announced that once again, the State Farm Home Run Derby component of this season’s All-Star Game festivities will be broadcast in 3D on the aptly named channel, ESPN 3D. The reason that we have to hope we will be able to watch Berman’s hair flipping and flopping and flapping while he barks out “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK” ad nauseum while he references his notes regarding prominent boulevards and landmarks outside of a three-mile radius around the ballpark so he can make hackneyed references relating to the distance the ball hypothetically traveled is due to the fact that ESPN elected to air last year’s 3D broadcast without Berman. As we all know, he served as host in the standard 2D broadcast format, but last season’s 3D version of the most overwrought, underwhelming MLB All-Star event featured Dan Shulman, Nomar Garciaparra and Aaron Boone. Why would they do that? Why would they prevent us the thrill of seeing Chris Berman in amazing 3D? What’s that? They are trying to protect us? Yeah, right.
Give us our Berman in 3D, ESPN! I want to get the perceptible sensation that beads of Berman perspiration are flying right at me in my living room! Wait. On second thought, maybe I don’t. On third thought, I do not even own a 3D television.
Yamma hamma. There are things that can’t be unseen and there are sights so disturbing they nearly make you want to gouge your own eyeballs out with a rusty spoon to save them any possibility of seeing anything ever again so disturbing. This, my friends falls in both categories and it will require incredible willpower to not go reaching for some ocular extracting tool.
Above is an image of a fervent supporter of the Geelong Cats Australian Rules Football Club after he stripped down to his skivvies after witnessing an up and down, pants-droppingly exciting match last Saturday between his squad and the rival Hawks.
Since I do not wish to spend any more than the minimally required time to pass along this haunting story to you readers, I’ll allow the Herald Sun (via BuzzFeed) to recap the disturbing events of that day:
After removing his Cats shirt and waving it around his head, the unknown fan spent the first rendition of the Geelong theme song removing his shoes, socks and eventually pants before breaking into his patented celebration dance, clad only in his Geelong-blue jocks, without a care in the world.
Although he was surrounded by families with young children, not a soul seemed offended by the impassioned display, including passing Hawthorn supporters who managed to crack a smile after another heartbreaking loss.
A team of six mystified security guards arrived at the scene as the dance continued well into the third playing of the theme song, though none seemed prepared to venture too close to the fan as he was left to continue his routine and down his final beer.
You just have to love the fact that even the security guards were unwilling to curtail this man’s impassioned, alcohol-fueled, inhibition-free celebration. Those crazy Aussies.
Video follows, but be forewarned: the video contains a brief moment of partially-exposed male ass crack. Don’t say I didn’t give you advanced notice.
While still likely smarting from the rapid fire, four goal first period onslaught which more or less essentially buried any hopes of he and his fellow Canucks teammates hoisting Lord Stanley’s Cup last night in TD Garden, Daniel Sedin looked at the odds, and given what has occurred thus far in these Stanley Cup Finals, proceeded to guarantee a Game 7 victory over the Bruins back inside the friendly confines of Rogers Arena on Wednesday night.
Via ESPN.com (yes, sometimes they actually do some hockey reporting):
“We’re going to win Game 7,” Sedin told the Vancouver Sun.
“We’re 3-3 and we won all three games at home and we have the fourth game at home,” he said of the series, according to the report. “So we have the seventh game at home and we’ll take that. We are confident.”
While I admire Sedin’s confidence, it is always risky business to guarantee a team’s victory in a big game. For every time a player has come out and assured triumph, there are a dozen occasions where the guarantee failed miserably. For every Joe Namath, there’s a…um, you know, come to think of it, I cannot off the top of my head recall a time when someone has guaranteed a championship-clinching win and come up short on it. But I’m sure there are several such examples, I just can’t think of one right now. Maybe we simply forget when a player sticks his foot in his mouth about winning championships. Unless it’s LeBron (“…not five, not six, not” yadda yadda yadda). Then we relish remembering such bold proclamations and how he failed miserably in accomplishing it with delicious enjoyment.
So, I guess it was a great – yet ballsy – call by Daniel to say the Canucks will win the Stanley Cup on Wednesday. No one’s going to care if it doesn’t pan out the way he envisions the game going. It’s good not to be LeBron. But I suppose that goes without saying. Yeah.
Daniel Sedin: We’ll win Game 7 [ESPN.com]
Wait. What? That’s weird. I didn’t even know Aaron Rodgers was such a music business aficionado, but apparently, it be true: the Green Bay Packers quarterback is taking advantage of his time off due to the NFL lockout to pursue one of his dreams: running his own record label.
The label, dubbed Suspended Sunrise Recordings (far out, man), has officially launched its own Facebook page and recently shot a music video for one of its first acts, The Make, who happen to also hail from Rodgers’ hometown of Chico, California. The video for the song “Get It,” shot in a local bowling alley and features a cameo by Rodgers, was directed by none other than the bass player from Sugar Ray, so you know it’s going to be good. Yeah.
So, tell us, Mr. Rodgers, why the leap into the music business and how has it been going so far? You know, other than having Sugar Ray’s bassist directing the label’s first act’s first video…
Via KRCRTV.com:
“This is the first step in the process,” said Rodgers. “My business partner and I have been working for a couple of years trying to put this whole thing together. We’re excited about starting the process, to see what happens with this band. Obviously football is my first priority, music is my passion after that.”
Sounds great. And why not, right? The guy is a Super Bowl-winning quarterback, so if he wants to take some time to pursue his first passion after football – so long as it doesn’t interfere with football (which it obviously does not at this moment), go for it.
I did a little searching around the interwebs to see if I could find out a little something about this band The Make in order to get a handle on exactly the kind of musical stylings and genres Suspended Sunrise Recordings will be focusing on. I found a couple of videos on YouTube which certainly shed a little light, although perhaps not in a good way.
