Archive for June, 2011
Well, ain’t that a kick in the junk, amirite? Actually, a kicked ball straight to the junk is what precipitated the unfortunate incident where soccer player Aaron Eccleston, who plays for the Old Hill Wanderers, an amateur club in Australia, was given two yellow cards and ultimately received a red card after a referee discovered that he had not removed in what reports are tastefully referring to as a “intimate” body piercing.” I think we all perfectly understand what they are getting at with that cleaned up reference, so no need to discuss it any further here.
Here’s how it played out: Eccleston, the team’s captain, was struck in the groin with the soccer ball during a match against Swinburne University in Melbourne. The shot to his bejeweled junk – ouch – left the soccer player writhing on the pitch in pain, where, according to an opponent, he proceeded to lower his shorts to “check that it was still there.” While performing the self-inspection, the referee noticed Eccleston had not removed the aforementioned genital jewelry before the match, violating a rule which prohibits any player from wearing anything, including jewelry, which could potentially be “dangerous to himself or another player.” Eccleston refused to remove his intimate body piercing, the referee summarily dismissed him. Yeesh.
The aftermatch of the incident was captured on video by a spectator. It follows.
Wow. While I certainly will not begrudge nor would I ever dream of denigrating the accomplishments of one Staff Sgt. Jacob Torrez , who took 3rd place in the 2010 Army National Guard Combatives Championships, but the trophy he was awarded for his impressive performance, is, um…well it’s, uh, I got nothing. I must defer to someone who knows how to handle situations like these with the proper tact. Take it away, Clive Clemmons:
[H/T The Slanch Report]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Man, that’s beyond disgusting. But apparently, it be true: according to reports, on June 5th, an employee of the Radnor, Pennsylvania Bed, Bath & Beyond discovered a not-so-pleasant surprise in the store’s parking lot: a bag filled with approximately 35 pounds of human vomit. Wait. How did they know it was human vomit? Actually, I don’t want to know. The worst part? This was the second week in a row a bag of vomit was found in the parking lot? We got a serial vomit bagger on our hands here, people! [msnbc]
• Video: the San Francisco Giants have their very own Steve Bartman doppelganger. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Mark Cuban filed the best legal brief ever. [The Basketball Jones]
• Reggie Bush is dating a Kim Kardashian lookalike? [Off the Bench]
• Check out the leather jacket Barry Bonds was rocking at last night’s Giants game. [Busted Coverage]
• Dick Enberg, Wimbledon and Bloody Balls…wait. What? [Awful Announcing]
• Awesome! A new edition of The Dugout! Today: the Florida Marlins managerial saga. [With Leather]
• Alright: here’s a video of Dwight Howard sporting a Rihanna wig or something. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Greatest motorcycle crash ever. [Bob's Blitz]
• Here’s Tim Tebow for Tim Tebow Statues. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A cynic’s guide to the NBA draft. [Pine Riders]
• The Knicks’ first round draft history: bust edition. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The Knicks should read this: How to avoid drafting an NBA bust. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Investigation Finds Man Wrongfully Imprisoned For 3 Of 76 Murders
(click to enlarge)
In today’s Wake N’ Blog, I touched upon this handy little chart which illustrates in great detail exactly how the Boston Bruins ended up with a $159,679.74 (with a $24,869.80 gratuity added in) while the team got their drink on during a post-Stanley Cup parade soiree at SHRINE at MGM Grand at Foxwoods, but I felt it was necessary to add to the Sportress’ considerable archives. You know, for the sake of history and whatnot. Also, I have run out of interesting writing topics for the day, so, uh, there you go. Enjoy. But no matter how hard you try, you won’t enjoy it like the Bruins did. That’s some hardcore drinking, my friends. One question, though: who ordered the Kamikaze shots? Sorry, but that’s bush league, man, although not as an egregious display of bush league-ness as all the Bud Lights that were swilled on that fateful evening. What? Is Keystone Light to lowbrow for these guys? Ah, who am I kidding? Light beer is light beer. No one should be drinking that stuff.
[H/T Sixteen Wins (via Puck Daddy)]
What the fungus? That is Grade-A Fashion Fail right there, kiddos. And I didn’t need the famed Mr. Blackwell to inform me of that certifiable fact, which is a good thing – because, well, he’s dead.
The offender in question is American Bethanie Mattek-Sands, who promised her Twitter followers the following about her outfit: “Wimby has never seen something like this!” And nor should it ever have been subjected to it, either.
Mattek-Sands, a flamboyant gal who counts Lady Gaga among her fashion heroes (shocking, I know), sported the above atrocity – a white-fringed Alex Noble number featuring “2 tennis balls cut in half stitched down each silver-studded sleeve” – prior to her match on Court 14 for her match against Misaki Doi of Japan. Unfortunately, dressing garishly did not serve Mattek-Sands as well as it frequently does Venus Williams, as she abruptly lost her match to her less stylistic but more prepared opponent, 6-4, 5-7, 7-5.
But for Mattek-Sands, it is clearly more about style than substance (via AP).
Before the match, Mattek-Sands left the jacket draped over her chair to begin warming up. Underneath, she wore a white, skin-tight dress with one long sleeve and one short sleeve — revealing a tattooed arm — and her trademark knee-high socks.
Under her eyes, she wore black strips with a silver “B” painted on top. She claims the eye black, for which she recently signed an endorsement deal, has a practical purpose and “actually does reduce the glare.”
Fascinating. Further, while modeling the outfit to a throng of reporters prior to her match, she informed onlookers that she’s “not hitting any balls in it. Don’t worry … It’s too heavy to wear.” Good to know. Good to know. Although her quote claiming she’s not going to hit any balls in it did kind of remind me of Louie from The State, so I’ll give her a +1 for that. I guess.
Mattek-Sands tests Wimbledon’s fashion police [AP]
BLAM-O!!! This is exactly why the – even at this young age – should be pitching in little league, not the adult coaches. What do you mean parents don’t want to sit through 8-hour games because some little brat can’t get the ball over the plate? That’s why you yank the little monster and put in some other kid, dammit. Even better, the public shaming and humiliation builds character. At least that’s what my old coach always told me. The jerk. Now that I think about it, I would have relished the chance to drill that guy in the face with a screaming liner. I guess you could say I’m entirely conflicted about which way I feel about this issue. Hmm….
But hey, look! That guy just got destroyed! He dropped like a bag of dirt. It’s funny, you see, because it didn’t happen to me.
[H/T It's Always Sunny In Detroit]
Above is a video from Buffalo Wild Wings (featuring Gus Johnson) decrying the horrible future which will befall all NFL fans if the owners and the players don’t somehow figure out a way to iron out an agreement and ensure that we fans will be getting our Sunday fix of NFL football.
The restaurant chain has started a Facebook page featuring an online petition to “Save Our Season.” The bit? If the lockout ends before July 20th – the date players would report to training camp sans lockout – BW3 will give any person who signed the online petition a coupon for six free chicken wings. Mmmmm….chicken wings.
Via The Huffington Post:
“We live and breathe all sports and so do our guests,” Kathy Benning, Buffalo Wild Wings executive VP, said in a statement. “We keep hearing from our fans how much they want a football season and we want them to know we’re happy not only to serve as their voice, but also to celebrate the return of football and their passion for the game.”
Now, I can be as cynical as they come when it involves promotions like these, but this sounds like a pretty nifty idea, although I wonder why they won’t give out some free chicken wings either way – the chain is going to have a lot of publicity generated for their restaurants with this gambit no matter the outcome. Nevertheless, have at it, NFL fans: sign that petition – you might get some free wings out of it. But if I may, could I make one additional request of Buffalo Wild Wings:
No more of those mind-numbingly stupid commercials. Enough is enough already with those damn ads. Seriously.
Buffalo Wild Wings Tries To Stop NFL Lockout With Free Chicken, Save Our Season Campaign (VIDEO) [The Huffington Post]
Wait, he’s just noticing that tennis players make a lot of grunting noises while playing, in particular those of the fairer sex? What took him so long?
Well, maybe it’s not that All England Lawn and Tennis Club chief executive Ian Ritchie hasn’t notice it before now, but instead he has finally had all he can stands and he can’t stands no more as it relates to the above-mentioned gratuitous grunting by the gals. So much so, in fact, that he has issued a critical public statement regarding the perceived overzealous nature of some competitors as it pertains to their guttural grunting (via FOX Sports):
“I think there is an education problem with younger players. And certainly (in) my postbag … if you say ‘what do you get most letters about,’ I would say that grunting is high up,” he said.
“We are aware, whether you are watching it on TV or here, people don’t particularly like it,” Ritchie added. “We are one tournament in a global circuit. But we have made our views clear and we would like to see less of it.”
One especially egregious offender is apparently 21-year-old Victoria Azarenka of Belarus (above), whose vocalized histrionics reportedly reached 95 decibels during her first round match against Magdalena Rybarikova on Monday. Jebus. Ninety-five freaking decibels. That’s the decibel equivalent of a circular saw during operation. I reckon she’s the kind of gal who can keep her neighbors up at night. You know, because she’s 21 and probably is kind of a night owl. What were you thinking I meant?
Anyhoo, even if Ritchie accomplishes his goal of putting the kibosh on excessive grunting, we’ll at least always have the “29 Moanings” track featuring Maria Sharapova to rely on, which is a good thing. Although I’m guessing it won’t satisfy Frank DeFord’s insatiable appetite for tennis court grunting. Just a hunch.
Wimbledon grumbles about grunters [FOX Sports]
Venus Williams, still rocking the Parliament-Funkadelic bathrobe look, I see – not only had her opponent, Kimiko Date-Krumm, to contend with during her second round match: she also was forced to deal with some somewhat perverted photographers. But Venus soldiered on, rallying to beat her 40-year-old opponent 6-7 (6), 6-3, 8-6 to advance to the third round, despite the presence of the leering lenses of lecherous louts posing as photojournalists.
Case in point: not one, but two “Venus Eating A Banana” pics, as well one photo which was snapped of Venus’ backside while she was bent over:
C’mon, guys. Let’s rein in the horndoggery a bit here. You are at Wimbledon, after all.
It’s funny because a beer, like the one this Red Sox fan is holding when a foul ball hit by San Diego Padres catcher Nick Hundley lands in it, is pretty darned expensive at MLB ballparks these days. Get it? But hey, he still drank some of the 2 ounces remaining in the glass, so it wasn’t a total loss. And it appears to me that he wasn’t even trying to catch it – the ball was drawn to the beer, like it had no choice. Boy, I know how that goes.
One benefit of getting soaked with his own suds (that sounds perverse): the guy doesn’t have to miss any of the game using the bathroom, he has a built in, wet pants excuse. Which is nice.
[H/T Deadspin]
The caption for the above photo (via Reuters):
Actress Kim Cattrall (TOP C) watches the match between Venus Williams of the U.S. and Kimiko Date-Krumm of Japan on Centre Court at the Wimbledon tennis championships in London June 22, 2011.
Really? Kim Catrall is the best Reuters could do in an article illustrating how celebrities are “wowing” the patrons at the All-England Lawn Tennis Club? Talk about scraping the bottom of the washed-up celebrity barrel, am ir right? Which, coincidentally, is the same phrase Hollywood A-listers now use to describe a regrettable session of coitus with the Sex and the City star. But hey, I loved her in Mannequin, though. But then again, who didn’t?
Celebrities wow Wimbledon fans just like the players [Reuters]
While it is hardly shocking that anything involving Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen would be a tad askew, his second annual Night Ops II charity event and golf tournament held Monday in Scottsdale, Arizona was nevertheless a pretty out there happening: members of the Arizona National Guard in drill sergeant mode taunting golfers on tee boxes, pig roasts between the front and back nines, push ups after poor tee shots and best of all, a 280-foot Slip ‘n Slide which was used to replace the more conventional longest drive portion of the standard golf tournament by having a longest slide contest. Sweet.
But even with these unique components, Allen wanted to make it even crazier, but in the end, thankfully, cooler (and saner) heads prevailed (via azcentral):
Originally we didn’t want to a golf tournament, because everybody does a golf tournament,” Allen said.
“We had all these crazy ideas and focused down to half the course during the day and half the course at night. We just started naming crazy ideas, and this is what came out.”
At one point, Allen wanted to include paintballing in the tournament. If the players came within a certain range of the green, they would become targets of snipers armed with paintball guns. But that seemed like a liability, so they eliminated that aspect.
Whoa. Paintball snipers? Cool idea? Certainly. Incredibly risky endeavor? You better believe it.
But in the end, it was, after all, for charity. The proceeds from the event benefit Allen’s Homes for Wounded Warriors charity, so I’m sure even if there had been paintball snipers terrorizing the golfers, no one would have cared too much. And even better? Allen has some more unorthodox ideas for next year’s tourney:
“We’re working up toward landing helicopters on the driving range,” he said.
Whoa. Cool.
Minnesota Vikings’ Jared Allen holds charity golf tournament with a twist [azcentral]
And by that, I mean the incredibly talented Washington Nationals prospect couldn’t care less about how people view his use of either of them, as evidenced by both his heavy-handed application of eye black as well as the fact he uttered the following commonly used – yet blatantly incorrect – phrases: “could care less.”
Responding to reporters’ questions dealing with the criticism he has received due to an incident earlier this month when he blew a kiss to an opposing pitcher while rounding the bases after a home run, here is what Bryce Harper had to say (via Daily Pitch):
“I could really care less what people say about me,” Harper said Tuesday as he faced the media for almost seven minutes before Tuesday night’s South Atlantic League All-Star game.
GAH! How annoying. Come on, Bryce: it’s “couldn’t care less.” By saying you could care less, it implies that it is possible to care less about what people say about you, which isn’t at all what you intended to articulate.
Here’s a handy chart to help him (and anybody else who makes the same error) remember the proper usage of the phrase:
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Josinar Araujo, 24, of Bridgeport, Connecticut, is gingerly recovering after he accidentally shot himself in the groin while showing his gun to his girlfriend. During all the hullabaloo, his gal was also charged with drug paraphernalia possession when police discovered a crack pipe on her person. These two should not breed. Seriously. [msnbc]
• A handy illustrated guide to the Bruins’ $156,679 bar tab. [Puck Daddy]
• The Texas Rangers set a “Wearing Sunglasses At Night” world record, so, uh, good for them. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A story about how one father quit his job so he could watch his son pitch in the College World Series. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• Video of Erin Andrews chastising a young fan after he made peephole video comments to her. [Bob's Blitz]
• So, the world’s largest gathering of “Where’s Waldo?” enthusiasts happened. [With Leather]
• Hey, Vancouver: you’re doing it wrong. [The Slanch Report]
• Stan Van Gundy, as he is wont to do, once again seized an opportunity to slam the Heat. [Off the Bench]
• Jenn Brown’s hair was battling some serious wind issues yesterday at the College World Series. [Busted Coverage]
• Did you guys here that new Florida Marlins manager Jack McKeon is super old? [Pine Riders]
• A TMZ cameraman mistook Greg Oden for LeBron James. And here I thought TMZ cameraman were as smart as they come. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Report: this man exists. Good grief. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• A behind-the-scenes look at 6 famous moments from the NBA Draft. [Sports Pickle]
• A letter to Roger Goodell from Timmy, age 9. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Classic photos of Presidents playing sports. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time
Deadspin had the goods on this Bad Idea Idea last week, but here are some promotional photos from the Manning Brothers’ first foray into scripted television, The Football Cops. The pics come directly from, um, DirecTV.
Additional photos and a promotional video can be seen here, but I still cannot bring myself to believing that someone green-lighted this and it will actually be a real show. Say it ain’t so, DirecTV. Say it ain’t so. Let this just be some ill-conceived DirecTV commercial and leave it at that. I mean, I could tolerate a marketing concept along those lines, even understand it and find it humorous, but an actual TV show? No way. It’s like the disturbing real world version of Gumbel 2 Gumbel: Beach Justice.
[H/T NY Giants Central]
