Archive for May, 2011
"Ha! That Kramer! What a hipster doofus!"
But is he still Master of His Domain? To be honest, I really don’t want to know. Let’s just go with that he ‘s Lord of the Manor.
Sometimes, people just need to have themselves a well-deserved chuckle, even MLB managers, apparently. With the Texas Rangers mired in a 2-7 slump since May 1st, Washington, while sitting around his house, began to contemplate reshuffling the Texas Rangers’ lineup for Tuesday’s game against the Oakland Athletics, skipper Ron Washington turned on the television and watched some Seinfeld to ease his mind. Lo and behold, the antics of Jerry and company seemingly inspired him – perhaps in the way in which the soothing, pastoral images are conducive to to the ease in which George moves his bowels – as the Rangers came out and whipped the A’s by the score of 7-2. It was a Fesitvus miracle! Of sorts.
How did an episode of Seinfeld prompt him to change the lineup?:
“I was channel surfing and I ran into Seinfeld and I just felt like I needed to laugh so I left him on. I was laying there prior to that just thinking what I could do to help these guys get things going. I just grabbed a paper and put a lineup together. I liked what I put on the paper, so when I came in that’s what I went with.”
Awesome. Do you know what else might help the Rangers break out of their May swoon? Mangoes. It’s like you get a B12 shot from them…well, as long as you get them from a high quality, reputable outfit like Joe’s. Because at the grocery stores, I don’t know what’s going on with the papayas!
Okay, I’m done.
Ron Washington Filled In Tuesday’s Lineup Card While Watching Seinfeld [Sports Radio Interviews]
There are bad ideas and then there are such bad ideas they cease to be bad and instead one is left scratching one’s head and saying, “Who are the ad wizards who came up this one?” The decision by Fenway Park to being serving mixed alcoholic beverages falls into the latter category. While the move to serving mixed drinks has become quite common among the ballparks and stadiums across the country, the kind of clientele which is known to populate Fenway on a typical day for a Boston Red Sox game probably are not the best candidates to offer up additional alternatives through which they can get soused. Just saying.
The state’s Alcoholic Beverages Control Commission gave the Red Sox the okay to start serving drinks containing hard liquor last Friday. Ranging in price from $8.50 and $9.50, the new offerings of libations will include such mixed beverage standbys as frozen daiquiris and margaritas. Further details about the further intoxication of Red Sox Nation, via the Boston Herald:
Sox spokeswoman Susan Goodenow confirmed for the Herald, “Yes, we have received the approvals from city and state agencies for the liquor license amendments we applied for. On Monday, we launched mixed-drink sales in a single, existing concession location.
“The liquor license amendments allow for sales in up to five existing locations throughout the ballpark,” she said. “We anticipate adding service to additional stands as the season progresses.’’
“Margaritas? That’s fackin’ spectaculah! Gimme four-ah!” And calm down, Sawx fans, I’m just messing with you. By no means are any of you any more cretinous, depraved or prone to drunken acts of stupidity at the ballpark than any other fanbase. Well, maybe a little bit more prone to inebriated buffoonery, but we need not split hairs here. Drink up. Cheers.
Sox fans can now mix fastballs with highballs [Boston Herald]
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has been a constant source of entertainment – oftentimes of the cringe-worthy variety – during this NFL offseason and as we have headed into the lockout, examples of which do not need to be delved into here in any detail as we have all previously seen the dancing, the headband and his “Suave Clown” look at the Kentucky Derby. But perhaps none of his forays into embarrassing acts compares with his on-camera crying during an interview broadcast on ESPN last month.
Well, Brady has emerged from his protective cocoon of high society he shares with his supermodel spouse to discuss said sobbing while taking part in an interview which was done during NFL Draft week, video of which was released Wednesday by the Boston Herald. His thoughts, via The Huddle:
“I’m an emotional person. Sometimes I can’t help it. The (2000) draft was tough, and it’s tough for a lot of guys. You have these high expectations that you’re going to be picked at a certain place and then it doesn’t happen. But I was thinking — you know, my parents were there with me. And I have such a great relationship with them.
“They’ve been to so many of my games and practices and supported me over the years, and just thinking about sharing that moment with them, and then seeing the excitement that we’ve had for an 11-year career, I think that’s the emotional part of it.”
Dude, f**kin’ A! But in all seriousness, I know how that goes…not being able to help it. One minute you are watching The Notebook, the next, your sobbing like Tom Brady. It happens.
Tom Brady on his TV crying: ‘Sometimes I can’t help it’ [The Huddle]
It’s funny because Bartolo’s last name is Colon, which also happens to be the name of the section of the large intestine extending from the cecum to the rectum. I don’t like to brag, but I have to be the first person ever to utilize that coincidence for comedic purposes. It’s a shame though that the ESPN headline writer dropped the ball with the last one by inserting Bartolo into the Colon. Into the Colon headline, that is. Sigh.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Yeah, wouldn’t hold out much hope for the Creedence, but hey, better late than never, right? A 1969 Chevy Camaro SS stolen in New Jersey in 1975 has been recovered in California after a man in Santa Maria purchased the vehicle on eBay. The original thief has not been found. He’s a wily one, clearly. [Yahoo!]
• Jay Mariotti has been charged with three felonies, including felony stalking. How the mighty have fallen. [Awful Announcing]
• Scott Pollard thinks that Phil Jackson is overrated. Meanwhile, everybody thinks Scott Pollard is a tool. [The Basketball Jones]
• The Top 10 most fascinating NHL playoff beards of 2011 (so far). [Puck Daddy]
• Here’s audio of a baseball play-by-play announcer seeing his life flash before his eyes as a ball comes flying into the broadcast booth. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Portland Sea Dogs have a bullpen pet squirrel. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Here’s a sneak peak at the new documentary, Nash, a film about, coincidentally, Steve Nash. [Ball Don't Lie]
• A Cleveland columnist named yesterday “Quitness Day” in dishonor of LeBron. Might be high time to start getting over it. [Off the Bench]
• Ugh, the MLB “Stars and Stripes” caps are out. [Big League Stew]
• Kobe Bryant finally has a post game meltdown. Sure it’s fake, but it’s from “Funny or Die” so it’s cool. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Now that Miami has ousted Boston from the playoffs, is it safe to say that evil has triumphed over good? [PineRiders]
• Today’s edition of The Dugout: Indians/Rays Live Blog. [With Leather]
• Hilarious: the eight people you see at every minor league baseball game. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Exhausted Derek Jeter Sleeps 20 Hours Straight After 2-Home-Run Game
Well, isn’t that just precious? And to think, in some parts of the world, killer whales eat both of these majestic creatures. Terrible people, those killer whales.
[via BuzzFeed]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• The 15 best faces at the World Table Tennis Championships. [BuzzFeed]
• Tiger’s instructor responds in kind to Bubba Watson for the golfer’s critical comments regarding Woods. [Devil Ball Golf]
• The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim set a world record for fans wearing Lucha Libre wrestling masks at a MLB game. Huh? [Busted Coverage]
• Watch Kenny Smith get hilariously pranked by his TNT cohorts. [The Basketball Jones]
• ESPN makes Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson horny. Well, that news would have came in handy for me last week. Sheesh. [Bob's Blitz]
• Eric Lindros blames NHL rules and cheap shots for the rise in concussions. [Puck Daddy]
• Oregon State broadcaster admits he was the drunken buffoon in the viral video featuring a guy eating a napkin in a Denny’s. [Off the Bench]
• Seven commencement addresses from famous sports figures. [Sports Pickle]
• KSK Exklusive: Inside Kamp Eli. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Spooky: The Exorcism of LeBron James. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Okay, the opinionated Chicago White Sox manager didn’t call Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim fat in so many words, but he did call him bald. When asked about Mike Scioscia reaching 1,000 managerial victories, here’s what Ozzie Guillen had to say (from The Orange County Register, via Hardball Talk):
He weighs 200 pounds more than me. He’s bald, I’m not. He reads the scouting report, I not. He has his own way.
Aha, fat and bald. That’s nice. I suppose those attributes could be considered having his own way…at Burger King! Zing! But seriously, folks, isn’t Ozzie calling Scioscia fat like the pot calling the kettle morbidly obese, or something? To wit:
Other people’s exercise balls, that is. What were you thinking? Testicles? Well, that would be downright sick, man.
His name? Christopher Neil Bjerkness (obsessive exercise ball slashers always are referred to with their middle name included). He has been arrested multiple times in the past several years in Duluth, Minnesota area for his uncontrollable fetish where he derives sexual gratification from taking a knife and slashing those large exercise balls.
From the Duluth News Tribune:
This time, Christopher Neil Bjerkness, 33, was arrested at Chester Creek Academy, a Duluth school at 714 W. College St., according to Jim Hanson, Duluth police information officer. The school is for children in treatment through Northwood Children’s Services.
Bjerkness reportedly gained entry through a window about 1:30 p.m. Sunday into a room used for physical and occupational therapy. As he entered, an alarm was triggered and staff located him in the room shortly thereafter. Bjerkness was compliant and waited with staff members until police arrived, according to Richard Wolleat, president and CEO of Northwood Children’s Services.
Weird stuff, even as bizarre sexual fetishes go. While I imagine that his own unique brand of paraphilia is rarely seen and might be unique to his own twisted, depraved obsessions, I wonder what psychiatrists would name his condition. Gofitophilia? Ballslasher fetishism? Weirdpervertfreakotisis? Yeah, Weirdpervertfreakotisis works. But seriously, this guy ain’t right in the head. He needs help. Just keep him away from the gym equipment in the mental hospital.
Duluth ‘ball slasher’ arrested again [Duluth News Tribune]
Well, at least there is one person in Cleveland who has come to their senses and realized that now, after months upon months upon months have passed since LeBron James spurned the good people of The Forest City for the sunnier climes of South Beach, it might be time to move on and look forward, not backward. Let bygones be bygones, as it were, and begin to let the wounds heal instead of obsessively picking at them like some whacked out Disney starlet.
Who cares that LeBron is on the verge of reaching the Eastern Conference Finals? It shouldn’t be a Clevelanders concern anymore. It’s over. Finished.
First, his well-reasoned and articulate thoughts on the issue (via Cleveland.com):
“How about quit living in the past? Indians are in first and might very well have the best record in baseball by Wednesday. Monday night was the first time I watched an NBA playoff game for more than five minutes – not because I dislike the NBA, but because I have been wrapped up in the Indians’ season.”
His handle?
GodHatesClevelandSports
Passionate, yet pragmatic . Excellent qualities. For a Cleveland sports fan. Follow the lead of GodHatesClevelandSports and give heed, Clevelanders.
Tired of hearing about LeBron – Comment of the Day [Cleveland.com]
Can you dig it? I know you can. Last year, the interwebs lit up due to a hilarious video showing Kansas Jayhawks basketball coach Bill Self shaking his groove thang in order to promote his annual charitable event, “Basketball Boogie.” Proceeds raised from the event benefit Self’s Assists Foundation and it certainly looks like Self not only does not take himself too seriously, he also has a great sense of humor about himself and obviously has a great time getting all gussied up in disco duds for these promotional videos.
Above is his newest groovetastic video featuring Self – along with some Jayhawks players – getting down to hype up the 2011 Basketball Boogie, which will be held on June 4th in Kansas City.
Burn, Bill Self, burn, you Disco Inferno.
[H/T The Dagger]
Former Michigan Wolverines Fab 5 member, star NBA player and current ESPN basketball analyst (when he’s not suspended due to a non-disclosed DUI arrest) is selling his 1969 Dodge Charger General Lee – one actually used during the production of the classic television series – on eBay Motors. The initial bid will be $45,000 when the item becomes available on May 23rd but it appears that you can buy the General Lee now for the tidy sum of $100,000.
(checks wallet, counts bills)
Man, just a bit short.
From the description:
This 1969 Dodge Charger is slated to be one of the last surviving cars from “Dukes of Hazzard”. The vinyls have been customized to reflect Jalen Rose’s basketball number as well as his childhood nickname. With an upgraded sound system and custom leather interior, this “General Lee” has been a part of Jalen’s private collection of premiere vehicles for the last 10 years. Featuring a 360ci V-8 crate motor, 4 wheel disc brakes, Alpine sound system featuring trunk mounted sub-woofer, custom embroidered “Charger” floor mats, white letter BFGoodrich Radial T/A tires, and autographed rear decklid by Jalen Rose and John Schneider “Bo Duke” from the original series. The images of each signature are attached in the photos.
There will not be bids accepted for this auction until the May 23rd start date. It will be a “No Reserve” auction with a starting bid of $45,000.
Wait, it has John Schneider’s autograph but not Tom Wopat’s? Forget it then. What a ripoff.
Anyhoo, all proceeds from the sale benefit the “Jalen Rose Leadership Academy,” and the person who did the write-up for eBay Motors goes to great lengths to discuss Rose’s significant philanthropic deeds, to the tune of 8 paragraphs, far exceeding the amount of copy dedicated to, you know, the automobile that someone will be plunking down $45K to own. I get the point of detailing where the money is headed – to a reputable charity. In fact, it might even spur people to be willing increase their bids if they are aware that the proceeds are going to a good cause – but still. I guess we should just realize that Jalen’s just a good old boy, never meaning no harm.
But seriously. No Tom Wopat? What the fungus?
1969 Dodge Charger General Lee [eBay Motors (via Detroit Free Press)]
Well, I guess you could say it is concise. It captured what Jacksonville.com citizen blogger Marktrail2011 was up to and it paints an interesting – if vulgar – picture. So there you go. Happy Easter, dude.
Tacos, hot tub, throwing up and a fever: All on Easter [Jacksonville.com]
For tobacco use only. But that goes without saying, of course. You can purchase it here.
[H/T PSAMP]
Sweet Fancy Moses, would you get a look at all that fatty, gluttonous goodness? There’s so much win going on here, I don’t even know where to start. The gargantuan burgers? The fries deep fried in pure lard? Butterfat shakes? Cigarettes? Holy moly, I’m getting a little worked up over here. I am actually ashamed of myself for not being aware of this place earlier than today.
For those of you out there in Internetland living in the Dallas or Chandler, Arizona area, these restaurant testaments to excess are nearby. Wow.
According to its Wikipedia page, founder “‘Dr.’ Jon Basso created the Heart Attack Grill with the declared intent of serving ‘nutritional pornography’, food ‘so bad for you it’s shocking.’” Nutritional pornography. I like that. Also, any customer who finishes a Triple or Quadruple Bypass Burger are placed in a wheelchair and wheeled out to their vehicle by their “personal nurse,” who, according to some of the videos on the website, are of the slutty nurse variety. Awesomely inappropriate. See, this is what America is all about, people. I’m not saying that it’s right, but it’s the truth. Oh, and according to the restaurant’s website, once you reach 350 pounds, you eat at the Heart Attack Grill for free. Life-threatening, morbid obesity rules!
