Archive for May, 2011
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• David Beckham showed off his defensive skills by catching fan running on the pitch. [Cosby Sweaters]
• James Harrison is clearly not a fan of the new rule changes. [Shutdown Corner]
• Boom goes the web redemption. Classic. [With Leather]
• Video of lady Cleveland Indians fans shotgunning beers. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Announcing the Kardashian-Humphries wedding. [The Basketball Jones]
• The hunt for the next Erin Andrews is on. [Busted Coverage]
• Nolan Ryan was involved with more foul ball hijinks in Arlington. [Big League Stew]
• What should Winnipeg call its new NHL team? [Midwest Sports Fan]
• Kid scores on bicycle kick, bored internet is impressed. [Off the Bench]
• This week in F–k You: Oprah. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A closer look at the “BUTJOLS” jersey we profiled here yesterday. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Here’s video of the infamous Chris Hansen confronting a bike thief. [BuzzFeed]
• Josh Hamilton has no regard for his well being. [Lewp's Weblog]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby’s Raising
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. A member of an NBA dance team that’s like, smart and stuff? Now this I gotta see!
Come on, I’m only kidding. A majority of the young women who bust their butts night in, night out entertaining the fans at NBA games courtesy of their considerable booty-shaking abilities have interests, careers, hopes, dreams, etc. that take them far outside the realm of the arena. One such young lady is Kelsey Quillian.
Born and raised in Oklahoma City, this 25-year-old double threat simultaneously cheered on the Thunder while earning her law degree from the University of Oklahoma School of Law.
Via NewsOK:
“I’ve lived here my whole life,” Quillian said. “I really love this place.”
She attended the University of Kansas and was a cheerleader her freshman year. But she gave it up to focus on her studies.
She majored in journalism but added political science as a second major when she realized she wanted to go to law school. A law career always had been in the back of her mind, she said, because her brother and grandfather were both attorneys. She also wanted to help solve problems.
“I like the idea of helping people put their lives back together,” she said.
Video profile of the lovely, brainy and talented Miss Quillian follows.
Ha! Get it?
Awww, come on!
I’m not usually one to brag, but I have to be the first person to ever use a Franz Kafka reference when discussing Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Mike Kafka, right? Right? No?
Fine, if that’s the way you feel about it, maybe you think I should spend a couple months In The Penal Colony as a penance, huh?
Kafka ready “to take next step” [Birds' Eye View]
Well, it’s good to know that the statistics Roger Goodell is poring over, studying and consequently interpreting, then re-studying for another round of interpretation and when that wasn’t good enough, he went ahead and pored over them again with a fresh set of eyes after he took his daily mid-afternoon break to mutilate a puppy have directed him to the obvious: fans don’t much appreciate the lockout. And not only does he interpret the statistics expertly, he goes ahead and cites them! Genius!
To be perfectly honest, I’m relieved that Goodell arrived at this conclusion courtesy of some hard statistics, not courtesy of some perverted brand of witchcraft whereby Goodell is able to enter the minds of NFL fans and magically extract the information he requires. But you know what? After typing that previous sentence, I’m going to err on the side of caution with this one.
(puts on aluminum foil hat)
Better safe than sorry, right? Try all you want, Roger Goodell, you will not be harvesting my opinions regarding the lockout no matter what kind of spells you invoke, you damn warlock! Not with this impenetrable shield atop my head!
Goodell cites statistics showing fans are turned off by lockout, testing their loyalty to NFL [The Washington Post]
Better ingredients. Better diarrhea. Papa John’s.
Man, just when you think a fan base cannot get any luckier, something like this comes along – and totally ruins everything! That’s right, with every Miami Heat playoff victory, their fans receive 50% off their next online order from Papa John’s. It’s craptacular! White hot is an apt phrase to use, to boot. Grab on to that porcelain, kiddos, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!
Oh, I kid, I kid. Papa John’s is just as good as any other major pizza chain. But I will say this about that butter sauce substance that they provide with every pie: instant poop lube. Sorry, but it’s true.
[via, @MiamiHeat]
And that, my friends, makes Weed Against Speed sad. Apparently, doing parodies of this “Lazy Song” um, song, is quite the fad, as evidenced by the amount of videos doing the same that can currently be found on YouTube. And hey, look! Green Men backup dancers!
I suppose I shouldn’t be such a curmudgeon and allow these guys to have their fun: the Canucks haven’t been to the Stanley Cup Finals since 1994, when they lost in seven games to the Mark Messier-led New York Rangers. So, I guess I’ll hold my tongue with this one and let bygones be bygones. Enjoy the Finals, Canucks fans. And enjoy your parody videos of Bruno Mars songs, whoever that guy is. I might reveal myself to be a bit long in the tooth and not hip to what all the kids are listening to these days, but if I’m going to admit I’m a fan of a musician with the last name Mars, I’m going with Chris or Mick. That’s just me. I’m old school like that.
The sexual abuse of children is an unforgivable, disgusting and a morally reprehensible act, but that really goes without saying. Further, the scum who perpetrate such crimes against the most innocent individuals in our society should be dealt with swiftly and in the harshest way possible, according to the parameters set forth by our criminal justice system. But according to Indiana Pacers forward Danny Granger, the system simply does not have a sufficient enough amount of forcible anal rape in prison yards for his bloodthirsty tastes as it relates to brutal justice.
To wit, a series of tweets from Mr. Granger (via The Basketball Jones):
They should throw the molesters in the prison yard with some KY strapped to their chest and tell the inmates to have at em lol… Bet they wouldn’t be molesting anymore children after that lol
lol, indeed, Danny Granger. lol. If there ever has been a more appropriate use of abbreviated internet slang, I haven’t seen it.
One question regarding Granger’s revolutionary and rapey plan: wouldn’t it make more sense, convenience-wise, to have the tube of KY strapped to the molesters’ backs? Just saying.
Danny Granger’s prison plan [The Basketball Jones]
What the fungus? Now hold on one second here. A Tampa Bay Rays fan, at the Tampa Bay Rays home stadium, was kicked out of Tropicana Field because he refused to take off his “Yankees Suck” t-shirt? Did I wake up in Bizarro World or something?
Sadly, it actually happened to Melton H. Little, an attorney from nearby Palmetto and the owner of seven season tickets. Little was attending a game between the Rays and New York Yankees on May 15th 16th with his two sons. Minding their business while cheering on the hometown nine while surrounded by interloping Yankees fans. Things were fine until the fourth inning, when Little was approached by security. The following exchange between Little and the security guard transpired (via Tampa Bay Online):
“The security guard says Major League Baseball has determined that the shirt constitutes profanity,” Little said. “He tells me to get another shirt, cover it up, turn it inside out or leave the stadium.
“I said, ‘That’s unbelievable,’ and he says, ‘I don’t’ make rules, I’m just telling you.’ “
Little refused to remove his “Yankees Suck” shirt, so he and his two sons were escorted from his seats – three of the seven seats he paid $20,000 this year for season tickets. Little was afforded the opportunity to plead his case to some Rays suit after he was embarrassingly and wrongly removed from his seats, but that didn’t bring about a favorable resolution as the front office employee simply shut the door on him. That’s a pretty impressive display of customer relations right there.
Undeterred in the belief that he had done nothing wrong, Little then wrote a letter to the Rays requesting clarification of the team’s dress code policy. Little argued that he had done nothing wrong and that the shirt was not “obscene, offensive or indecent,” which the fan handbook forbids. When asked, Rays spokesperson Rick Vaughn refused to elaborate on Little’s letter other than acknowledging that he has reviewed the letter and that the Rays get “tons of letters from fans all the time.” Helpful.
Obviously, I am siding with Mr. Little on this one. In light of all the terrible things that are reported every day regarding the reprehensible, drunken and often criminalistic behavior which occurs at ballparks across America to a disturbing and alarming degree, merely wearing a “Yankees Suck” shirt pales in comparison to those troubling activities. Further, given the fact that the Rays have an incredibly difficult time getting fans to, you know, actually show up for games, hassling a guy who has seven freaking season tickets and has been an owner of season tickets since 1998 when the Rays began play at Tropicana Field, well, I don’t have to tell you that security did and the team is continuing to take a completely moronic stance on this issue. Simply idiotic.
Oh, and the Yankees do suck, by the way, although that is just my opinion. An opinion probably shared by the 400 Rays fans who actually showed up at the game in question. So why not hassle one of them? Genius!
Yankees-hating shirt gets Rays fan in trouble [Tampa Bay Online]
While I appreciate the fact that Pakistan fielder Umar Akmal and West Indies batsman Carlton Baugh put their differences aside right in the middle of a match to attempt an impromptu display of planking, I nevertheless have no choice but to harshly critique their technique. Now, I know planking is the fad du jour at the moment, their form is terrible.
Granted, balancing oneself on a cricket bat is, as they say in the Cricket world (and any time a Cricket ignoramus tries to discuss the sport), a sticky wicket, it doesn’t excuse them from their poor performance. First of all, Akmal’s knee is nearly touching the ground. Secondly, Baugh is not providing the requisite support needed to successfully accomplish a Cricket bat planking.
Fail, guys.
[image via]
Yeah, I didn’t get it, either, but it’s nice to see Techno Viking again. It’s been awhile. Nevertheless, the video is slightly amusing – Rampage has got some pretty nifty dance moves – and I have been informed that if didn’t upload the video, Rampage Jackson was going to beat the living tar out of me. And to add insult to injury, Techno Viking was going to try and spike my coffee with some tainted ecstasy. Wait. Are the kids still doing that stuff? Huh.
Oh, and Rampage is taking on Mark Hamill’s nephew Matt* at UFC 130 this Saturday. Be there or be octagon. Or something.
* probably not true
Allow me to get my apologies out of the way right from the get go: yes, it’s incredibly easy to hate on Rick Reilly – he’s a pompous scribe who has been resting on his laurels for years. His past successes have led him to believe he is somehow infallible, that he’s the smartest guy in the whatever room he is in and that his s**t does not in fact stink. But no matter how much he believes it to be the contrary, the hackneyed, recycled material that he calls sports writing has been in a steady downward decline for some time now, in particular ever since he joined the ranks of ESPN for a salary which can only be considered a king’s ransom. I guess he thinks he’s earned the big payday and now it is his time to pat himself on the back for all of his tremendous accomplishments in the field of sports journalism and fade into the sunset while writing the same column over and over and over again.
But back to my apology: granted, I cannot pull off the “Fire Joe Mogan-style” as well as the originators of the method, nor can I utilize it as well as Drew does in his weekly evisceration of Peter King’s columns, and for that, I apologize. But Reilly’s most recent column, “The Heat is on”, is such an egregious affront to everything which can be considered good sports writing that I could not sit idly by and allow Reilly to figuratively take a ginormous dump on the craft. In it, Reilly has decided to finally, now that the Heat has taken a commanding 3-1 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals, to reluctantly admit he was wrong about them. Never too late, I guess. Nice job waiting until the last possible moment to jump on the bandwagon, Rick.
Onward and upward we go. Or better yet, in light of the drivel which comprises Reilly’s column, onward and downward.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• In a scene straight out of a Looney Toons or Tom & Jerry cartoon, a New Zealand trucker was blown up like a human balloon after he fell on hose for an air compressor. The hose pierced his buttocks and the compressor proceeded to pump air into his body at 100 pounds per square inch. Said the man, Steven McCormanck: “I felt the air rush into my body and I felt like it was going to explode from my foot. I was blowing up like a football. I had no choice but just to lay there, blowing up like a balloon.” Thankfully, he’ll be okay, but here’s one final grisly detail of the traumatic experience, from the report: McCormack said “his skin felt ‘like a pork roast’ — crackling on the outside but soft underneath.” Gross. [Yahoo!]
• Barry Bonds will pay for the college educations of Bryan Stow’s children. Classy. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Breaking: Derrick Rose can slam dunk a basketball well. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Tiki Barber compares his hiding from paparazzi to the horrible experiences of Anne Frank. Yep. [Off the Bench]
• Winnipeg is very excited about the impending return of the NHL to the city. Shocker. [Puck Daddy]
• TNT cameraman caught scoping out the chicks during the game last night. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Sorry to say it, Carson Palmer, but Mike Brown still owns your ass. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Here’s a nifty little Preakness Infield photo roundup. [Busted Coverage]
• Burnin’ rubber: Kyle Busch got busted for driving 128 mph in a 45 mph zone. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Headline: “Teen Girl Softball Takes a Surprising Turn For the Worse.” They ain’t kidding. Yeesh. [With Leather]
• Taking a look at what’s ailing Mr. Met. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Old Photographs Reveal Grandmother Never That Attractive
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:VDTA2CHN8GM4
• Yay! The always enjoyable inflatable beaver has made its triumphant return! [Off the Bench]
• Tom Brady getting photographed water sliding was just begging for a meme. [With Leather]
• Lenny Dykstra tried breaking Doc Gooden out of Celebrity Rehab. Alright. [The700Level]
• Video evidence that Kevin Durant is the saddest man in the world. [The Basketball Jones]
• Pass or fail? Realigning the NHL for geographical accuracy. [Puck Daddy]
• The New England Patriots cheerleaders traveled to Aruba for a bikini calendar photo shoot. Enough said. [Busted Coverage]
• Golfer predicts hole in one, actually does it. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Six images from Ray Lewis’ post-lockout hellscape. [Sports Pickle]
• Drew is back and he’s mercilessly destroying another Peter King column. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Why yes, a roller coaster can cause female orgasms. Here’s video proof. [Bob's Blitz]
• Help me, Roli-Wan, you’re my only hope. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: [video] Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
It was once said by a man wiser than I – okay, it was Keith Hernandez in a Just For Men commercial – that a beard can in fact be weird. But apparently now we have learned that not only can a patch of facial hair be strange, a beard can actually inspire weird behavior, as evidenced by this misguided gal’s attempt to lure Oklahoma Thunder guard James Harden into her psychotic web of impending matrimony. There’s no arguing with the fact that Harden’s beard is phenomenal, but this poor lady might want to step back, change her outfit and take a vacation from her problems. Because I would hate to have to break it to her, but her methods at trying to land Mr. Harden are not likely to work. But then again, I’m not a hopeless romantic, something this gal clearly is – the basketball net veil informs us of that personality nugget. I wouldn’t be surprised if her garter is an NBA headband. A white one, of course.
Finally, I have to give her credit for the sign. Killer Quarterflash reference, ma’am.
[H/T The Basketball Jones]
Now, you didn’t expect Charles Barkley to withstand all the verbal, profanity-laced abuse Miami Heat fans heaped upon him during TNT’s broadcast of Sunday night’s Heat-Bulls game and simply roll over and not fire back some well-crafted, retaliatory salvos, did you? Sure, he flipped them the double-bird, but that was just a warmup. It would be an egregious mistake to underestimate Barkley when it comes to wars of words, and he proved it once again in his response to the merciless heckling he was on the receiving end of during the aforementioned broadcast.
Here’s what Charles had to say about those heckling Heat fans during an appearance on South Florida radio station WQAM on Monday afternoon (from the Sun Sentinel via The Big Lead):
“You know those people can yell and scream but they don’t have the hair on their (butt) to grab me,” he said. “They don’t have enough hair on their (butts) to walk up to me man to man and say, ‘Let’s do this.’
“All that yelling and screaming just makes me laugh, man.
“They were telling me I suck,” he said. “They were telling me I never won a championship. Like, ‘Come on, give me something better than that, dude.’
“I always laugh at that statement, ‘You didn’t get a ring. ‘I’m like, dude, you work at McDonald’s. My life’s a lot better than yours. You relax.’ “
Zing! And therein lies the greatness of Charles Barkley. If any other athlete or prominent member of the media, in a similar situation, busted out the “you work at McDonald’s” line or dreamed of saying something about how their life is better than that of the fans, not only would the statement have been perceived as a indefensible display of hubris, they would have come across as arrogant jagoffs and would have been condemned for it. But not Chuck. Because he’s awesome and can say whatever the hell he wants. I guess you could say he’s earned it.
TNT to move Charles Barkley out of harm’s way from angry Miami Heat fans [Sun Sentinel (via The Big Lead)]
