Archive for April, 2011
…and just wait until you see what happens! Have you watched it yet? Here’s the setup: the Cambria Kiss Cam is making it around the arena, doing what Kiss Cams do, when it somehow falls upon two lovely Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Oh man, is this is going to be good or what?
Just kidding. We don’t get to see jack squat. Talk about a total tease. Or more likely, a total fake, perpetrated by someone who apparently enjoys toying with and manipulating people’s voyeuristic tendencies.
[H/T Sports Grid (via BuzzFeed)]
Mike Tyson, Vitali Klitschko and, um, I don't know, a balding Kevin Smith?
If it’s not bad enough living in Siberia already, now people living in that vast Russian wasteland are getting stabbed to death during drunken boxing debates. A college professor fatally stabbed one of his friends while he, the friend and another man debated whether Mike Tyson or Russia’s own former Soviet republic Ukraine’s Klitschko brothers held pugilistic superiority.
From a NewsCore report (via FOX Sports):
Nikolai Makeyev, a teacher in the Siberian city of Tyumen, was having drinks with two other men in his apartment when the argument broke out.
“Makeyev said that Tyson would come out as winner, but his guest accused him of a lack of patriotism. The host did not like that and he fatally stabbed the victim several times in the back,” the regional investigating committee said in a statement.
The other guest, Makeyev’s friend, managed to flee to his own apartment though he also had stab wounds, and his wife called the police.
Jebus. Well, I guess we can hardly blame the guy, because if you challenge a Russian man’s patriotism, you have to expect a violent and bloody outburst of murderous, Raskolnikov-like psychopathic tendencies. At the same time, we have previously seen examples of Russian people siding with an American boxer over a fellow Russian citizen former Soviet comrade. Too bad the murder victim will never have the opportunity to change. Sigh.
Note: unrelated to the story – which makes it so amusing – is how NewsCore wraps up their report on the incident with the following “sobering” statistic:
Alcohol abuse kills around 500,000 Russians each year.
You don’t say? Although in light of this tragic story, make that 499,999. At least for this year.
Tyson/Klitschko debate leads to stabbing [NewsCore]
Former NFL kicker Mike Vanderjagt has been assigned the task of developing Marco Island (Fla.) Academy’s fledgling football program. Vanderjagt, who was once not-so-flatteringly referred to as “idiot kicker” by Peyton Manning when the two were teammates on the Indianapolis Colts, seems pretty pumped up about the opportunity, but you know what they say, ignorance is bliss.
Via the Indianapolis Star:
“Basically, coaching at this age is like an artist’s version of a blank canvas,” Vanderjagt told the Marco Eagle newspaper. “You can kind of mold them to be a good player because they have no preconceived notions in general about sports.”
Blank canvas, indeed. Let’s hope not, but my guess is those kids are totally screwed, man.
Former Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt hired to help school start football program [Indianapolis Star]
Rockfeller Sorel, the parking valet who was allegedly verbally abused and physically assaulted by Gloria James, the mother of Lebron James, filed a lawsuit earlier this week in Miami-Dade County against LeBron’s mother. I admit this is somewhat old news now and you have likely become aware of some of the details by now, but I was off yesterday and haven’t had the opportunity to comment on one aspect of the story: the reasons behind why Sorel and his attorney are seeking damages in excess of $15,000.
Among the claims, according to The Miami Herald: ever since the incident, Sorel has experienced “emotional distress, humiliation, mental anguish,” and most importantly, “the loss of capacity for enjoyment of life.”
Wait. You’re telling me that you can actually sue people who cause you to lose the ability to enjoy your life? That gives me an idea…
(begins drafting initial paperwork to file a lawsuit against every single moron I come into contact with every single day of my life)
Damn. This ain’t going to work. I have to start taking the names down of all the mouthbreathers who piss me off with their idiotic behavior. Well, at least I have a decent Summons & Complaint boilerplate partially prepared. Now all I have to do is insert names and press print. Litigation is pending, suckers!
Valet allegedly struck by LeBron’s mom seeks money in lawsuit [The Miami Herald]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Another day, another report of mentally ill people living in squalor (and poop) with too many animals. Animal welfare officers in Erie County, New York have removed over three dozen animals from a home in the town of Concord. The feces was stacked up knee-deep in some areas, causing the animals to have to burrow through their waste in order to get around. The elderly woman living in the home has been taken in for a psychological evaluation and hopefully, a shower. [Yahoo!]
• A life-sized Rock ‘Em Sock “Em Robot? [With Leather]
• Craziest downhill race ever. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Kevin Na had a rough day at the Texas Open, carding a 16 ON ONE HOLE. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Just so you know, Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen? Not bros. [The Basketball Jones]
• The Washington Post couldn’t help themselves, use “Semin Blast” in headline about Caps game. [Mr. Irrelevant]
• Bob Costas refers to Ty Cobb as a “son-of-a-bitch” on MLB Network. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The St. Louis Blues gave away a bunch of Big Macs this season. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Based on past NBA fines, Kobe’s homophobic slur about one-fifth as bad as going snowboarding. [Good Men Project]
• Martin St. Louis is in the market for a good dentist. [Bob's Blitz]
• Here’s a photo of LSU head coach Les Miles kissing a pig. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The fans have spoken: nobody likes the new Purdue Pete. [Off the Bench]
• Here’s video of the Celtics’ Jeff Green using his head. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The New York Mets fundamentally suck. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag time. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Author Promoting Book Gives It Her All Whether It’s Just 3 People Or A Crowd Of 9 People
Sorry folks! Unfortunately, today will be an unscheduled off day here at the Sportress as I will not be near a computer most of the day. This means I will not be able to amuse and delight you with my trademark witticisms and inane observations. But do not fret, as I will be back tomorrow with the skullduggery you have developed an inability to live without.
Have a great Thursday, everyone.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Jimmer Fredette got kicked out his classes at BYU because he’s so awesome. [With Leather]
• Man, the hits keep on coming for Rory McIlroy: airline loses his golf clubs. [Pro Golf Talk]
• Oh, Kobe Bryant. Kobe, Kobe, Kobe. [Awful Announcing]
• Fifty-five -year-old basketball coach lives with players in dorm, foils burglary attempts. [Off the Bench]
• Good stuff: “What Happened to the Dodger Stadium I Used to Love?” [Larry Brown Sports]
• Just for the fun of it, here’s a list of fifty repulsive imaginary foods come up with by Big Daddy Drew. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Area Man Already Tired Of Adjusting His Fantasy Baseball Roster
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Ha. Dick Titz. I bet hearing his name called when attendance was done during class in elementary school made him feel like a total boob.
(Note: and yes, I realize that the guy is probably covering up the end of the last name. It’s probably something like Dick Titzinski, which is still pretty funny)
[via BuzzFeed]
Chicago White Sox has a bone to pick with the wisenheimers who attended the Sox-Athletics game on Tuesday night who got their jollies from sarcastically cheering every time a member of the White Sox caught a ball. As you may recall, left fielder Juan Pierre dropped a perfectly catchable ball during Monday night’s 2-1 loss to the A’s, his second drop in four games.
While making it abundantly clear that he has no problem with fans making their feelings known through the magic of booing, saying he “would do the same thing.” On the other hand, he has no time whatsoever for those who feel it necessary to bust out the old Bronx Cheer. At least, I think that is what he’s getting at in the following quote (via the Chicago Sun-Times):
“The thing is that bugs me a little bit, you’re booing because we drop the ball, yes, please do. You boo because you make a bad pitch that’s a double, yes. But don’t think this is a little game every time we take fly balls like making fun of the team or embarrassing. Juan Pierre, everyone should be proud if you’re a White Sox fan and you see Juan Pierre play every day. He gives you your money’s worth. This kid plays very, very hard for us. He don’t deserve that. He don’t deserve that.’’
???
(consults trusty “What In The Hell Is Ozzie Guillen Saying?” Decryption Code Book)
Yep. That’s what he meant.
Ozzie Guillen not a big fan of sarcasm [Chicago Sun-Times]
Hoo boy. You know how people always joke about how Eastern European countries are 20 years behind in pop culture trends, as in the hipsters over there are currently wearing acid washed jeans and rocking out to Warrant? Who knew that Australia is just like that? At least that’s the conclusion I arrived at after seeing this video from the National Rugby League’s 2011 ad campaign featuring none other than Jon Bon Jovi performing his soon-to-be Australian smash hit, “This Is Our House.” Rocking. Crap, even Richie Sambora had good enough sense to sit this one out and he’s borderline senile.
No, but seriously, it’s horrible. Crikey.
[H/T Deuce of Davenport]
By now, you have undoubtedly heard about Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton’s unfortunate injury on Tuesday afternoon when he fractured his humerus during a play at the plate during the 1st inning of the team’s game against the Detroit Tigers. And I am even more certain you have heard about the überdouchetastic manner in which Hamilton played the blame game regarding the injury, throwing Rangers third base coach, Dave Anderson, under the bus for sending him home on the play.
Somewhat understandable, I suppose. I mean, the guy is going to be out up from six to eight weeks and it is understandable that he would be frustrated, especially during the heat of the moment. Now, the pros and cons of sending Hamilton home at the particular point in time can certainly be debated (except by Bobby Valentine, he should sit this one out), but the argument can be made that Hamilton was way out of line. Well, one would assume that with a night to think it over, Hamilton would see the error of his ways, regard the injury as just an unfortunate sequence of events and cooler heads would prevail, right? Nope. Not even close.
Despite persistent rumors and conjecture which began swirling about the interwebs over the weekend, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is still alive and well in some kind of intermediary state of being, existing somewhere between life and death and likely continuing to survive solely on stem cell milkshakes, according to a Raiders spokesperson. Okay, I cannot confirm the previous statement regarding Al Davis’ purgatorial life being, but nevertheless, he was never even in the hospital, for the sake of all that is unholy, rife with partially bandaged, oozing sores.
Via CSN California:
“No, he’s not in the hospital,” Raiders Chief Executive Amy Trask told CSN California.com today. “He’s preparing for the draft and he’s working, as always.
“The rumors are untrue.”
So there you have it: Al Davis, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still alive. Good to know.
Raiders deny Al Davis health scare rumor [CSN California]
Yeah, and later monkeys might fly out of my butt. David Beckham claims that the Diet Pepsi video shoot which purportedly shows the Los Angeles Galaxy star kicking three soccer balls into garbage cans from an unbelievable distance is real and no editing or Hollywood magic were used. Pshaw. I’m more inclined to believe that unnaturally-rounded, gravity-defying orbs generally referred to as Victoria Beckham’s boobs are on the up-and-up. Heh. Up.
Via the Toronto Star:
“Of course,” the English midfielder told reporters at the club’s hotel. “I spent five or six hours on the beach so I had a lot of time to practise.”
The 69-second video, which had received more than 1.3 million hits between Thursday when it was uploaded on YouTube by Pepsi and Tuesday afternoon, shows Beckham juggling a soccer ball with his feet while holding a can of the soft drink. He’s then asked by the cameraperson if he can hit three garbage cans down towards the ocean with three balls, which are tossed into the shot.
Beckham, clad in khaki shorts and a button-down white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, said hitting all three is “even easier” than one. Then, after setting down the pop can in the sand — its label facing the camera — he drills all three balls into the garbage cans while the cameraperson cheers wildly.
Task completed, Beckham walks back towards the camera with a big smile, a what-did-you-expect hand gesture and says: “Told you.”
Yeah, whatever. What a load of B.S. But I guess the entire point of the “real” video was to garner attention and to insist that it’s real only furthers the publicity already generated for Diet Pepsi and Beckham. And I’m writing something about it. What a stooge I am, helping further propagate a lie perpetrated on people who will believe anything they see on the internet. Damn you, Diet Pepsi! I’m not going to be played like this ever again.
What’s that? There’s supposedly a video making the rounds of Cam Newton throwing a football four miles? Now that I gotta see!
Beckham says trick shots in Pepsi video are legit [Toronto Star]
As the Minnesota Timberwolves trudge to the merciful end of another forgettable season, one of the team’s sole bright spots, forward Kevin Love – or more accurately, somebody purporting to be him – sent out the above e-mail to T-Wolves season ticket holders imploring them to spend the summer months following the local WNBA squad, the Minnesota Lynx.
Assuming that my readers are avid followers of WNBA basketball, many of you undoubtedly are aware that the Lynx selected UConn’s Maya Moore with the first overall pick (something the Wolves have never experienced, despite the team’s historic ineptitude – STERN!!!) in the WNBA draft the other day, and the excitement surrounding the Lynx’s upcoming season is at a fever pitch. Okay, not a fever pitch. How about “at a temperature a little higher than that of tepid water”? Yeah, much better.
The point, upon reading the above e-mail correspondence, is that there is no way in hell that Kevin Love wrote it. As my Twin Cities colleague Michael Rand asserts on RandBall, said author “apparently writes an awful lot like someone who is used to sending press releases.” Indeed. My guess is Kevin Love might not even be aware of the fact that Minnesota has a WNBA team, much less feel compelled to write something requesting Wolves fans take a pasing interest in the squad, let alone take in a game or give a lick about the team.
But I can think of one soul who, if he happened to be a Timberwolves season ticket holder, would take up the Kevin Love Doppelganger’s advice: this guy. Yep, went to that well once again.
If you’re a Wolves season ticket holder, you likely got an e-mail from “Kevin Love” [RandBall]
Yes, we get it. Derrick Rose is having a remarkable season, MVP worthy, even, and more than any player in the NBA, the Chicago Bulls point guard deserves all the attention and accolades he is currently receiving in print, on ESPN, on blogs, message boards and, I don’t know, backroom, illegal cockfighting rings. And yes we also get that his last name is Rose, the same as the flower which is a member of the Rosaceae family.
Further, we understand that there are a bevy of possible references one can lazily make about Derrick Rose simply by incorporating popular sayings, song lyrics, etc. which permeate the English language regarding said flower. Obviously, “smells like a rose” is an oft-overused one. But we also have the abundance of references to Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” song anytime Rose uses the backboard on a layup. And then there’s that SportsCenter anchor, whats-his-name – Chris Evert, I think – who has completely bastardized the song “Ramblin’ Rose” every time he does Bulls highlights.
The point is: enough is enough. It’s played. So…played. So I came up with a foolproof plan to permanently eradicate “rose as a flower” references from the sportswriting/broadcasting lexicon as it pertains to Derrick Rose:
Have Bette Midler serenade Derrick Rose immediately with the title song from the 1979 film which earned Ms. Midler an Oscar nomination for Best Actress: The Rose. It doesn’t matter when, where or under what circumstances this will occur, if it happens, we could very likely never hear the inane reference again.
No, really. It will work. Bear with me.
