Archive for April, 2011
In light of the brand new, 10-year deal between the NHL and NBC/Versus to secure hockey broadcast rights for the next 10 years, NBC Sports Group chairman Dick Ebersol said during a conference call yesterday that a name change for Versus is “no more than 90 days away.” Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.
Via Sports Media Watch:
The new name will include a “strong utilization of the word NBC in the title,” an indication that NBC may move in the direction of rivals Fox Sports Net and CBS Sports Network.
Talk about pulling the rug out from under us. Man, I still haven’t grown accustomed to the switch from Outdoor Life Network and now these corporate bigwigs display such a fragile insensitivity to my fragile ability to mentally process new names due to my abject fear of change? My head hurts.
Anyway, as a public service to you guys so that you will not be as unprepared as I am, here’s some possible new names for the Versus Network, bearing in mind that “a strong utilization of the word NBC in the title” will be utilized:
- Hockey, Fishing and Rodeos Network (Oh, and the Tour de France, too)
- The Best Damn Hockey Network Period
- HSPN
- NBC Sports Hockey Net
- The HoNBCkey Network (the “NB” is silent)
That first one is too long for my tastes, but I’m holding out hope on one of the last two, preferably the last one. It’s kitschy.
Ebersol: Versus Name Change Just Months Away [Sports Media Watch]
He can do what he wanna do, I guess is what I’m getting at here. Why don’t we just let him live? (tell me whyyy)
I just hope that after the switch to a new caddie, Dustin Johnson is happy with the New Edition.
That is all. And yes, I know, total weaksauce. Just enjoy the jam.
Dustin Johnson, Bobby Brown part ways [Mull Again]
Yesterday I tried to warn you about the troubling existence of PhillieBot, the diabolical creation – and perhaps soon-to-be self-aware being – that will be throwing out the ceremonial pitch prior to the Philadelphia Phillies-Milwaukee Brewers game later today at Citizens Bank Park. Well now, thanks to The700Level, I bring you video documenting the superhuman abilities of the robot whose sole existence signals the downfall of the domination of this planet by the human race.
Chilling stuff. The future is now. You have been warned.
UPDATE:
Thanks to twitvid user Kyle L., here’s video of the robot in action throwing the first pitch:
Jeez, now I’m even more frightened.
[H/T The700Level]
He's got an earring so you know he doesn't bow to societal conventions
Hey look! Another deserving entrant into the Douchebag Journalist Hall of Shame. Granted, this one pales in comparison to the troglodytic musings of John Steigerwald, who blamed Giants fan Bryan Stow for the beating he took at a Dodgers-Giants game because he was wearing a Giants jersey, but allow me to introduce you to the ignoramus that is Richie Whitt, a columnist for the Dallas Observer, who took Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis to task for missing a start against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim so he could travel back to California to witness the birth of his second child, a daughter. The nerve!
Please read on to bear witness to the imbecility of Mr. Richie Whitt.
Sure to set the interwebs ablaze today is this photo snapped by Brian Cassella of the Chicago Tribune showing Fred Claus star Vince Vaughn gleefully taunting Vancouver Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo after he was pulled during the second period of the Chicago Blackhawk’s do-or-die 7-2 win. Since their are a multitude of references available given Mr. Vaughn’s considerable -yet somewhat underwhelming, when you think about it – filmography, let’s just do a bullet point list and get some of them out of the way:
- “Come on, Roberto. It’s time to put your mouth where our balls are.”
- “Too bad Hallmark doesn’t make a “Sorry your team got killed by two tons of bad history” card.”
- “Earmuffs.”
- “Don’t beat yourself up over this, Roberto. It’s not your fault. Dammit, the Canucks are chokers. That’s what chokers do. They choke.”
- “Now, see that? That’s the kind of winning attitude that’s gonna take this enterprise straight to the top.”
- “Today we spell “redemption”… P-A-T” (for Patrick Sharp, two goals)
- “We all go a little mad sometimes.”
Yeah, the last one? Gus Van Sant’s remake of Psycho starring Vaughn. Remember that debacle of a trainwreck? An apt comparison to Vancouver’s performance last night, I would say.
[H/T Chicago Tribune, Busted Coverage, everybody]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A wise person once said – I believe it was the guy who invented the Tootsie Pop – “There’s a sucker born every minute,” and that saying has never been more true than in the case of a 37-year-old West Hollywood woman who paid $200,000 to Lisa Debbie Adams, a self-proclaimed psychic, to remove a lifelong curse which was caused by evil which was “inherited from her mother’s womb.” Too bad she didn’t go see somebody capable of removing gullibility prior to visiting the psychic. [azcentral]
• The Zen Master Phil Jackson is attempting to use True Grit as a means to motivate the Lakers. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Is Donovan McNabb a lock to end up with the Vikings? As a Minnesotan, I say, “God, I hope not.” [Rumors & Rants]
• Awesome: an edition of “The Dugout” addressing Jim Thome’s new Paul Bunyan commercial.
• Fear no, Poker dorks: ESPN insists it will carry “The World Series of Poker.” [Off the Bench]
• The new coach at San Diego State wants Boise State to get rid of the “unfair” blue turf. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Shocking: video of female Phillies fan vomiting. At least it wasn’t directed at a child. [Bob's Blitz]
• How the hell is the Hayden Panettiere-Wladimir Klitschko relationship still going on? [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Here’s an amusing bit: (Fake) Texts from Last Night. [Deuce of Davenport]
• TNT is still undecided on the purpose of the 19,000 square foot HD screen. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• NBA Mascot Dance-Off! [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The five biggest early entry NBA draft busts. [Unathletic]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Patrick Kane No Longer Able To Play With Blackhawks After Dad Gets New Job In Boise
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Today’s big sports news story: NBC, Versus have locked up the NHL for 10 years, $2 billion. [Puck Daddy]
• America’s latest battlefront: the War on Freeze Tag. [Off the Bench]
• Try as we might, it will be hard to ignore the NFL announcing the regular season schedule later tonight. [Shutdown Corner]
• Aroldis Chapman hit 106 m.p.h. on the stadium’s radar gun last night. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Danny Pudi (Abed on NBC’s Community) speaks the truth about Derek Rose. [The Basketball Jones]
• R.I.P., ESPN’s poker coverage. [With Leather]
• How about some NHL playoffs fan fighting? [Busted Coverage]
• It appears from this video that mascots have a better work ethic than the Detroit Pistons. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Be sure to check out Mike Leake’s American Rag shoplifting ad. [TAUNTR]
• Drew’s “This Week In F–k You”: The NFL Schedulemaker. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Wal-Mart Greeter Knows Exactly How Many Blacks In Store
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Awesome. Unbeknownst to yours truly – because I am apparently a total square – this Keenan Cahill is one of the biggest sensations on YouTube, garnering more than 37 million views on his videos. And for his latest lip-syncing effort, he had some very special guests: San Francisco Giants players Brian Wilson and Cody Ross. The trio perform the song “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz.
Even cooler the video is all part of the ‘Cody & Keenan’ Social Media Fundraiser the Giants are doing on May 25th when team takes on the Florida Marlins. Keenan (known as BeenerKeeKee19952 on YouTube) is afflicted with Maroteaux-Lamy Syndrome, “which exists in fewer than 1,100 people in the world.” The heartbreaking condition also causes “severe disability and a shortened lifespan in most cases.”
Great work for a great cause, Mr. Wilson and Mr. Ross. And keep on rocking, Keenan. You rule.
Giants’ Brian Wilson, Cody Ross take to YouTube with viral sensation Keenan Cahill [Sporting News]
Oftentimes – make that all the time – while we toil away at work, we require something, a distraction, if you will, to get ourselves through the day. Well amigos, I have found a site with such an enjoyable time waster I am sure you will be able to spend a whole bunch of time on the clock wasting your employer’s money:
Maricopa County’s “Mugshot of the Day.”
From an AP report:
The Arizona sheriff known for dressing inmates in pink underwear and feeding them green baloney is inviting people to choose the most popular jail booking photos posted on his website.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio (ar-PY’-oh) allows online users to browse through the photos and then vote on their favorites that will be highlighted on a “Mugshot of the Day” section.
The top picks so far aren’t unexpected: They’re the most disheveled, unusual looking people among those booked into the downtown Phoenix jail.
Arpaio says he hopes the increased Web traffic will highlight the work of his employees.
He also says more crimes may be uncovered if the public can view the photos.
Awesome. There are few things more rewarding than mocking other people’s misfortunes by ridiculing them during their worst moments. It makes a person feel so much better about one’s own lot in life. Click on through and vote here, but be wary of choosing too indiscriminately – apparently, you can only vote once. You are also afforded the ability to peruse the County’s entire batch of mugshots according to the alleged crime perpetrated. Good times.
As a teaser, below are the contestants currently up for “Mugshot of the Day”:
Man, of all the days to get picked up by the fuzz in Maricopa County, Benjamin Luna has to get busted too. Hardly seems fair.
Ariz. sheriff seeks votes on ‘Mugshot of the Day’ [Yahoo!]
Some day in the not-too-distant future, when you are granted a brief reprieve from forced, backbreaking labor under the merciless watch of your cyborg overseers, you will be able to tell your children – if they are still alive – about the day everything changed, when the robots slowly began their hostile takeover and enslavement of humankind. And it will not begin with a violent thunder of cybernetic violence but with a whimper. And that whimper will be of a primitive robot throwing out a ceremonial first pitch. That’s right: the machines shall rise and it will be the date of the 20th of April in the year 2011 that we will look back to and realize that is precisely the moment when things began to go awry.
You see, prior to Wednesday’s game between the Milwaukee Brewers and Philadelphia Phillies at Citizens Bank Park, PhillieBot, a one-armed, three-wheeled robot designed by engineers at the University of Pennsylvania will handle the ceremonial first pitch duties, rendering moot the usefulness of presidents, mayors, radio personalities, supermodels and other assorted quasi-celebrities who have usually handled such duties.
From an AP report in the Boston Herald (via The700Level):
The Philadelphia Inquirer reports the pitching robot has been in the makings for a month and a half as Penn engineers Jordan Brindza and Jamie Gewirtz assembled parts and wrote software.
They started with a Segway, gave it a robotic arm and added a third wheel. They also gave it a pneumatic cylinder, which delivers a burst of compressed carbon dioxide to power the pitch.
The robot’s computer brain can be tweaked to change pitch velocity and trajectory.
Violet Smith never thought she would live to see the day when robots would initiate their assault on humans, first by infiltrating honored traditions of our national pastime, next culminating with violence, bloodshed and ultimately, enslavement. And possibly, if we’re lucky, some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. And you should care that you’ll never get back.
The end is nigh, my friends. Treasure your rapidly dwindling freedom. On a side note, I for one welcome our new robotic ceremonial pitching overlords. Despite their cold, analytical and emotionless intelligence, for some reason, they are prone to succumbing to flattery. Just a head’s up.
Note: yes, I admit there is certainly some congruency issues stemming from the juxtaposition between the dire future I have painted in this post and the use of the Johnny 5 robot from the Short Circuit film series as a means of illustration. Let me just say that it isn’t as off-kilter as it appears. Just ask Fisher Stevens. If you can find him. “Who’s Johnny?” my ass.
Robot to throw first out pitch at Phillies game [Boston Herald (via The700Level)]
"I coulda had a V8!"
What? You have never heard of the organization of WITHDIMTS? Actually, consider yourself fortunate that not only have you not heard of them, be extremely grateful that you are not a card-carrying member of the club. You see, WITHDIMTS is short for the name of the society, “Why In The Hell Did I Marry That Skank?” and Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom has just been named honorary president. For obvious reasons.
As Odom awaits his official commendation from WITHDIMTS, he can take pride in the fact that according to RealGM.com (via Sporting News), it is expected to be announced that sometime today that he has won the NBA Sixth Man Of The Year Award for the 2010-11 season.
Odom came off the bench 47 times for the Lakers this season and started 35 games. The NBA defines candidates for the award as players who have come of the bench more times than they started.
Odom averaged 14.4 points and 8.7 rebounds over 32.2 minutes per game this season.
Jeez, this guy has got it all: fame, fortune, a unisex fragrance and a completely f’d up family of inlaws. Kudos, Lamar Odom. You’re living the dream. Of a p-whipped goofball.
Odom Expected To Be Named 6th Man Of The Year [RealGM.com (via Sporting News)]
Sweet merciful crap, that cannot be considered good news, New Yorkers. If it wasn’t bad enough to have to read his trite, moralizing columns, here’s yet another reason to be thankful for to not be living in New York: Mike Lupica has agreed to host his own radio program on ESPN Radio, WEPN 1050. The show will air daily from 2:00-3:00 p.m. and will without a doubt be the most sanctimonious, whiny, self-righteous radio program on New York radio, and that’s saying something. Let me put it to you this way: imagine The Sports Reporters, only with Lupica holding court nonstop for an hour (minus commercials, of course)…
The horror…the horror.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, take a gander at 1050′s late morning/afternoon/early evening lineup (via the New York Daily News):
Colin Cowherd moves to 10 a.m.-noon, followed by a new noon-2 p.m. show with Ryan Ruocco and Robin Lundberg, who formerly hosted the 5 and 10 a.m. hours.
Lupica at 2 will be followed by Michael Kay, 3-7 p.m. Don LaGreca will be heard on both shows and Kay will also be joined regularly, says WEPN general manager David Roberts, by baseball writer Jack Curry.
Stephen A. Smith will be heard 7-9 p.m., followed by Bill Daughtry, 9 p.m.-midnight. Leaving the daily lineup will be Jody McDonald and Brandon Tierney. Roberts says McDonald will move to Saturday and Sunday mornings.
Colin Cowherd, Michael Kay, Mike Lupica and then Stephen A. Smith, almost all in row, save for a couple of hours of momentary salvation each day from noon until two? Boy, that’s a veritable murderer’s row of loudmouthed douchebaggery. Enjoy, New Yorkers. Enjoy.
Award-winning Daily News columnist Mike Lupica to host daily talk show on ESPN Radio, WEPN 1050 AM [New York Daily News]
Allow me to preface this post with the following caveat by no means am some kind of supreme savant as it pertains to the ins and outs and complexities of formulating a sound strategy by which NHL playoff series are won, not lost, but in my humble opinion, perhaps it is a far better practice to become motivated prior to getting down 3-0 in a best of seven series. Just saying.
Nevertheless, Jonathan Toews went out of his way to assure Chicago Blackhawks fan that the squad will be very motivated as they stand upon the precipice of elimination during Game 4 when they take on the Vancouver Canucks tonight at the United Center. That’s…encouraging. Toews believes that the opportunity to exact some kind of revenge – or at the very least, some payback and comeuppance – for Canucks winger Raffi Torres’ brutal hit on Brent Seabrook during Game 3 on Sunday – a violent shot which according to the NHL did not warrant a suspension – might serve as extra motivation to be, um, motivated.
Via Sporting News:
“It’s just concrete evidence of how much we dislike that team, and it’s added motivation to our situation,” Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews told the Chicago Sun-Times, referring to the Torres hit. But “it’s not the only thing that’s going to be motivating us to play our best hockey.”
That’s probably a good thing that the thirst for revenge isn’t the only thing motivating the Blackhawks, what with the fact that if they lose, Chicago’s season will come to an abrupt and incredibly disappointing end. As I mentioned above, I’m no great genius hockey strategist, but methinks that little factoid should be considered a relevant component of why it’s a necessity for the team to be motivated tonight, as well.
Toews: Blackhawks will be motivated in Game 4 [Sporting News]
Minnesota Wild captain Mikko Koivu has had all he can stands and he can’t stands no more. With his sixth NHL season in the books playing for the Wild – and a third consecutive season without a playoff appearance – Koivu has decided enough is enough and is throwing his NHL career away to pursue a military career in the Finnish army, enlisting on Tuesday. Crazy stuff.
Nah, just kidding. Like all Finns, Koivu has a six-month obligation to serve in his nation’s military and it is an almost certainty that he will not be seeing any battlefields anytime soon. Via the Star Tribune:
Koivu said last week it was “the right thing to do.”
Don’t worry, though. Koivu joined the Lahti sports school, where several professional Finnish athletes have fulfilled their requirements.
“I’m not going to war,” Koivu said, laughing.
Sure, laugh it up now, Koivu. But what happens when you are called to serve a tour of duty in, um, whatever hotspot the Finnish army is currently embedded in. Although my guess is said hotspot somehow involves taking it easy while maxing and relaxing in one of Finland’s world-renowned saunas, something Koivu and fellow Finn teammates Antti Miettinen and Niklas Backstrom were more than pleased to showcase when the Wild were in Finland to open up last season. Which sounds nice.
Koivu’s in the army now (for a bit) [Star Tribune]
Egad. Devoted readers of the Sportress are already undoubtedly aware that due to some issues with the site’s host, S.O.B. has been down the bulk of the morning. Thankfully, we’re back and up and running. So, in light of all that downtime and in the interest of getting some fresh content up on the fly, here’s that photo of Sunbathing Beachcomber Serena Williams Nightmare Fuel that I have previously linked to twice now in the past day. Enjoy the utter insanity of it all.
[H/T With Leather]
