Archive for April, 2011
Jeez, color me amazed. Who would think that a former NHL enforcer/goon who amassed 2033 penalty minutes in 488 NHL games during stints with the Hartford Whalers, Calgary Flames, Dallas Stars, Los Angeles Kings, New York Rangers and most notably (because I’m a homer), the Minnesota North Stars, would be capable of such a alleged violent act such as road rage? Just when you think you got a guy pegged.
But it be true: Churla, currently serving as a pro scout for the Dallas Stars, has been arrested for an alleged road rage incident in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. He has been charged with criminal damage to property and disorderly conduct – both misdemeanors – for the following sequence of goonish events.
The knowledge that Erin Andrews a) attended the University of Florida; and b) was a member of the school’s dance team, the Dazzlers, has been well-documented in print. Unfortunately, photographic proof documenting that the youthful Andrews was in fact a Dazzler has been hard to come by, especially in light of the impassioned attention that has been devoted to ESPN’s Sideline Princess over the years. As my esteemed colleague Master Rick Chandler opined, finding a photo of Erin Andrews, Dazzler, has been “like proving the existence of Bigfoot, few photos exist of her from that time.”
Well, well, well, look and see what the great Chris Littman has unearthed (via Chandler Parsons, a basketball player for the Florida Gators): a photo of the lovely Miss Andrews from her undergraduate days at Florida, along with some of her fellow Dazzlers. And not surprisingly, Miss Andrews looks fantastic. Great find. Epic find. One could almost describe it as…dazzling.
[image via]
With lockouts, labor strife, outrageous ticket prices, narcissistic athletes and corrupt college coaches, it appears that we sports fans have finally had enough with being pushed around by the teams and athletes we follow and spend our time and hard-earned money supporting – because now we have our own official day. Whoopee! That’s right, kiddos, April 30th has been declared National Fan Day and everybody’s invited! Well, if you’re a fan, I suppose. Non-fans? Beat it. Nothing to see here.
The brainchild of My Fan Rewards, an organization which purports to be “a revolutionary new way for sports teams, performing artists, and venues to engage their fans by providing them with access to discounts and perks from leading retailers,” National Fan Day (official website here) appears to be merely a marketing blitz designed to put money in the pockets of various companies under the guise of “Gotta Support The Fans Who Gotta Support The Team” or some such nonsense.
More information on the festive celebration that will be National Fan Day follows.
Given that the Detroit Pistons finished the season with a woeful 30-52 record, the players have had plenty of time over the past few weeks to pursue other hobbies or possibly, career options. That appears to be the case with Pistons shooting guard Richard Hamilton, as he may be testing the waters to determine if children’s programming is something he might like to do in the future as he made an appearance a few weeks ago on Disney Junior’s hit show, Imagination Movers. The episode, entitled “Slam Dunk Solution” – hey, that’s a basketball reference! – features Rip hanging out with four guys who in my opinion are simply a poor man’s version of “The Wiggles,” and my guess is the troupe – if they adhere to the children’s programming template – do some song-and-dance performances related to imagination. And moving, I suspect.
You can catch Hamilton’s stellar acting performance here (at about the 22:30 mark). So, there you go. To be perfectly honest, this isn’t that interesting of a story. I just like the photo.Yet I am left wondering why Hamilton couldn’t land a role on a bigger show, say, The Electric Company or Captain Kangaroo or better yet, The Great Space Coaster? What do you mean those shows aren’t on anymore? That’s bogus, man.
Video: Pistons’ Richard Hamilton appears on children’s show [Detroit Free Press]
Whoa. That’s, um, certainly something, isn’t it? The piece, “Washington Capitals – We Are The Champions!” is yours to be had on eBay. The starting bid is a paltry$5,000, a small price to pay for such well-crafted artwork in the oil medium. Depicting the Capitals as a merry band of conquerors from a faraway medieval land who are led by Owner-King Ted Leonsis and crafty wizard Bruce “The Conjurer” Boudreau. Also featured: Barack and Michelle Obama, for some unknown reason.
If this breathtaking piece of modern art depicting the Washington Capitals as Stanley Cup champions (jinx, much?) wouldn’t class up your so-called Man Cave – so long as you happen to be a big enough doltish loser to feel the need to refer to the place where you hang out and watch sports and do “guy things” as a “Man Cave” – I’m not sure there is much hope for it. Your Man Cave, that is. But you knew that already – you have a Man Cave, after all.
[H/T Puck Daddy]
Sometimes, stories come through the interwebs that are so outrageously bizarre and disturbingly amusing that to not at the very least make mention of them would be a tremendous disservice to the blog-reading society-at-large. And this is one of them.
Folks, this is Shawn Batie, a 42-year-old meth addict from California who was picked up by police last Friday night while wearing only an Oakland Raiders football jacket, socks, a g-string and a hair scrunchie wrapped around his genitals. He was outside a cemetery holding a flashlight and screaming obscenities. Did I mention he was high on meth? I did? Good. And who knew a scrunchie could be used as some kind of makeshift testicle sling/supporter? Not me.
The grisly details, via The Daily Mail:
When officers asked Batie why he wasn’t wearing pants, he simply stated: ‘They must have been taken,’ police said.
After arresting him on suspicion of being under the influence, Batie became uncooperative.
At the jail it was discovered that he was also a parolee at-large, police said.
Once at the jail, Batie proceeded to smear his faeces on the walls. He was moved to a safety cell after the incident, police said.
‘It’s kind of humorous, but… you wonder what’s going on with this guy,’ Lieutenant Steven Price said. ‘What’s going on with his life [where] you end up running around half naked in the night yelling at people that don’t exist?’
Just when I thought Batie’s behavior couldn’t get any more outlandish and drug-addled, he goes and smears poop all over his cell’s walls…and totally redeems himself! I mean relieves himself.
The best part? Al Davis just hired this guy as the Raiders strength and conditioning coach. To be perfectly frank, if that were true, that would be the part of this odd story that would make the most sense.
Crystal meth addict arrested wearing just an Oakland Raiders jacket, a G-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals [The Daily Mail]
[H/T Off the Bench]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Hey man, there’s no restroom in McDonald’s restaurants – at least none that I have ever been in – that are designated “Transgender,” so what is a person who happens to be transgendered needs to use the toilet when they are getting their McNuggets on, as it were? Apparently, not in the women’s restroom at a McDonald’s in Baltimore. Teonna Monae, 18, Brown was arrested Friday and charged with first- and second-degree assault after she and another girl beat 22-year-old Chrissy Lee Polis, who claims she was attacked after she heard someone say that a man was using the women’s restroom. There’s a “Humpty Dance” reference in there somewhere but I already used mine for the week in yesterday’s Wake N’ Blog. Also, this is McDonald’s, not a Burger King, and no one was really getting busy in it anyway. Huh. [azcentral]
• Michael Irvin’s motivational speech to the Miami Hurricanes was pretty motivating…in a crazy way. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Chris Bosh got married but won’t admit it. Huh. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Guy makes a half-court shot, wins some 7-Up. Lame. [Off the Bench]
• Mark Jackson calls out ESPN The Magazine‘s “Player X” for going after Kevin Garnett. [Awful Announcing]
• Tony Allen’s Grizzlies haircut is a sight to behold. [The Basketball Jones]
• The Buffalo Bills new uniform was leaked courtesy of a teaser video for Madden 12. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Babies love the Yankees, hate the Red Sox and Mets. [BuzzFeed]
• Drew FJMs a recent op-ed piece by Dan Snyder, vitriolic hilarity ensues. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari reportedly got engaged over the weekend. [Bob's Blitz]
• Check out this idiot Phillies fan trying to eat a hot dog while wearing some ridiculous thing on his face. [Busted Coverage]
• The 12 funniest “Old-Timey” names in NFL Draft history. [Sports Pickle]
• Check out how this baseball causes an outbreak of synchronized whiteness. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Here’s the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar/Olivia Munn Carl Jr.’s commercial . [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Socially Awkward Player Afraid To Ask If He’s Invited To Walk-Off Celebration
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• What a bunch of celebrities are saying about the Knicks losing. [The Basketball Jones]
• Pro golfer Ben Crane – you’ve heard of him, right? – made a video showcasing his dancing skills for his website. It’s, um, interesting. [With Leather]
• Golf caddie/prostitutes in Indonesia: the world’s oldest hybrid profession. [Out of Bounds]
• Here are photos of Olivia Munn in a bikini for a Carl’s Jr. commercial alongside Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. They had me at Olivia Munn in a bikini. [Busted Coverage]
• Video of some guy dry humping the Cleveland Indians mascot. There you go. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• More video goodness: soccer reporter getting drilled by an errant kick. [Ted Williams Head]
• Just so you know, if Donald Trump were a wartime president, he wouldn’t go golfing, which is a completely useless bit of information as Trump will never be the president. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Golfer Ian Poulter thinks a house he rented for Hilton Head is haunted. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Finally, science provides quantifiable data proving that Derrick Rose is good at basketball. I never would have figured that one out on my own. [Foul Balls]
• Is it just me, or are Peter King’s columns becoming even more inane and moronic? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Peyton Manning To Spend Several Weeks With Newborn Twins Before Naming Starting Child
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
While it sounds like a pretty awesome way to spend free time, the manner in which hummers are involved in the way Dallas Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware’s has been spending his time during the lockout is not quite as, um, pleasurable as one would originally suspect. Because the hummer in question isn’t the kind of hummer you pervs out there were led to believe. Nope. It’s that he’s been spending time at a Humvee dealership. And not even a functioning one, either. Ware has converted a closed Humvee dealership in Grapevine, Texas into a makeshift workout facility.
Via the Sporting News:
We’ve probably got some of the best weight-lifting equipment around the league in there, including free-motion weights which a guy donated, ropes and a device called “The Flipper” which simulates a tire that you can flip.
It’s a really exclusive gym. You won’t find another one like it.
Several of my teammates have been working out with me, including defensive end Stephen Bowen, fullback Chris Gronkowski, offensive tackle Robert Brewster and several other linebackers — Brandon Williams, Victor Butler and Anthony Spencer. I told them they could work out for free for the first month. After that, they’ve got to start paying monthly dues.
Hey, I’ve got to pay rent, you know?
But of course, Mr. Ware. We all need to make ends meet. But instead of making his teammates pay to use his improvised gym, keeping in mind these tough economic times and , Ware should instead start offering up hummers for a fair price. No, not that kind of hummer. The automobile. Jeez, you people. Although with today’s gas prices, a gas-guzzling Hummer isn’t really a wise investment in the first place.
Heh. Guzzling.
DeMarcus Ware: How I’m spending my lockout [Sporting News]
I know, I know: killer setup for a joke, right? But here’s the best part: it’s true. Now, with that in mind – bear with me, here – check out the entire joke with the punch line included:
So, Roger Goodell takes an HGH test, then refuses to disclose the results of the test, effectively making the point of taking the test virtually nonexistent…
Hilarious!
Via The Washington Post:
“I just had my HGH tested in the last couple of weeks. I wanted to see what was involved in the testing,” Goodell said. “They came in here at 9:30 in the morning, completely unannounced, and I went through the procedure. The same one our players would go through.”
And the result was …
“I can’t disclose it because of the confidential nature of it. Let me put it this way: I’m proud of my results.”
As he should be, yet I don’t really understand why exactly Goodell cannot disclose the results. I guess that’s his business, a point which reminds me of story about myself regarding testing: I just had my intelligence tested in the last couple of weeks. I wanted to see what was involved in the IQ testing. They came in here at 9:30 in the morning, completely unannounced, and I went through the procedure.
What’s that? The results of my IQ test? I can’t disclose it because of the confidential nature of it. Let me put it this way: I’m proud of my results.
Wow. Spoon-feeding a load of B.S. really does work. Thanks, Rog!
Roger Goodell takes an HGH test [The Washington Post]
"Oh man. I gotta pee."
Actually, it was Diet Coke – we’ll get to that aspect of the story in a moment – but the joke in the above post title was already dying a slow death even before I finished typing it and two more syllables would have been its death knell. Be that as it may, a minor controversy developed over the weekend when it was reported that Mark Cuban left his Rose Garden seat early with less than a minute remaining in the game as the Trail Blazers capped a miraculous comeback against Cuban’s Dallas Mavericks. The Mavs blew a 23-point lead on Saturday, losing 84-82.
So, is the fact that Cuban refused to watch the closing moments of his team’s epic choke job proof positive that he is a spoiled, whiny, sore loser? Possibly, but we possessed that knowledge about Cuban long before this occurred. Further, Cuban insists all is not as it seems. You see, he had to take a monster leak due to his overconsumption of Diet Coke. So he says (via The Dallas Morning News):
“I had to (go to the bathroom),” Cuban said today via email. “I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“Six large Diet Cokes during the game will do that to you,” Cuban added.
Six large Diet Cokes? That’s borderline gluttony, man. And what gives? He couldn’t hold for one minute longer with the outcome of the game hanging in the balance? Does Cuban need a prescription for Flomax or something?
Well, I suppose I’ll leave that line of questioning for Cuban and his urologist. In any event, I guess that’s a better alternative than having to retreat from his seat due to being pelted by airborne objects. At least for Cuban personally. Mark Cuban haters, on the other hand? I suppose they might have preferred the latter.
Blame Diet Cokes for Mark Cuban’s early departure from Game 4 [The Dallas Morning News]
When I think of Keith Urban and John Mayer, my thoughts first turn to locating the nearest letter opener which, if it comes down to it, I can jab into my eardrums lest I hear one note of one song by these poseur musicians. The second thing – okay, third thing: the second thing usually is: “What? No Dave Matthews?” – will now be “Tiger Woods ‘Tiger Jam’ is going to be a rager this year!!” A rager of nondescript, derivative music, that is.
Yet it be true: the two pretty boy performers will be the headliners of the 2011 Tiger Jam this weekend at the Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas. The long-running event – although it was temporarily placed on hiatus last year for some undetermined reason (my best guess: indiscriminate whoremongering by the host) – is back with the proceeds set to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation.
When the lineup was announced way back in February, Tiger, of course, was thrilled:
“I’m thrilled these two talented musicians are joining us for Tiger Jam,” event host Tiger Woods said. “We have had so much success with this event over the last 13 years, raising more than $12 million for programs of my Foundation, and we are excited to continue that tradition.”
Indeed. A tradition like any other. Except when it has to be canceled for whatever odd reason. Oh yeah, that’s right. It was the indiscriminate whoremongering.
Keith Urban, John Mayer join Tiger Woods for 2011 Tiger Jam [Tiger Woods Foundation]
Tiger’s ‘Tiger Jam’ back in Vegas this week [Game On!]
Jeez man, this guy mining for nose gold while in the background of an interview with LSU baseball skipper Paul Mainieri better be careful: when you are more than a knuckle deep, the risks of a bloody nose increases tenfold with every millimeter. I mean he was really going after it there. But at least he wiped it on the railing and not on some unsuspecting person in the dugout. That would have been quite the Booger Picking Faux Pas.
[H/T Busted Coverage]
Clearly, there is nothing funny about Los Angeles Lakers rookie Derrick Caracter’s arrest early Sunday morning at an IHOP in New Orleans where he allegedly “started grabbing and pulling” a pregnant waitress, but I could not help but notice the unique way in which this particular headline writer chose to describe said restaurant as a “pancake house.” You know, like the term the character Gaear Grimsrud employed to state his dining preferences in Fargo?
Yes, I understand that Gaear Grimsrud is a fictional character brought to life by the extremely talented (and woefully underrated) actor Peter Stormare and that it is impossible that a person who doesn’t technically exist in the real world be capable of writing a headline for a newspaper, but still, it’s kind of funny, right? Further, perhaps if Caracter had instead opted to go somewhere where he could get a shot and a beer, steak, maybe, not more f**kin’ pancakes, he might have averted this entire ugly scene. C’mon.
Oh, and one more thing: it wasn’t a pancake house, it was the International-freaking House of Pancakes. Show the eatery the global respect it has rightly achieved.
I can tell I am slowly crossing over the threshold from “hip, young mover and shaker” (no really, I was cool once) to an “old guy who doesn’t know anything about anything” as I have never heard of this “We Like Sportz” song that, and given that is has had over 15 million views, has turned into quite the online phenomenon.
What’s that? The Lonely Island? Andy Samberg? Who the what? And what in tarnations is an SNL Digital Short and why are all the young folks always going on and on about them anyway? Damn kids with their YouTubing, digital videos and whatnot. Consarnit.
Anyhoo, some enterprising young whippersnappers who also happen to be San Jose Sharks fans have created their own parody of said video, entitled, “We Like Sharks,’ which is a fitting name, since thttp://www.sportressofblogitude.com/wp-admin/post-new.php#edit_timestampheir hippity hoppy rappy song is about the Sharks. I’ll give them credit for accomplishing that much. Other than that, well, it leaves a lot to be desired. But hey, that’s just my opinion and I’m a total unhip square, so what in the hell do I know?
[H/T Puck Daddy]
