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Moron Columnist Slams Rangers Pitcher For Missing Start To Witness Birth Of Child

He's got an earring so you know he doesn't bow to societal conventions

Hey look! Another deserving entrant into the Douchebag Journalist Hall of Shame. Granted, this one pales in comparison to the troglodytic musings of John Steigerwald, who blamed Giants fan Bryan Stow for the beating he took at a Dodgers-Giants game because he was wearing a Giants jersey, but allow me to introduce you to the ignoramus that is Richie Whitt, a columnist for the Dallas Observer, who took Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis to task for missing a start against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim so he could travel back to California to witness the birth of his second child, a daughter. The nerve!

Please read on to bear witness to the imbecility of Mr. Richie Whitt.

Let’s just get to the idiotic details, and let us address them Fire Joe Morgan-style:

In Game 2, Colby Lewis is scheduled to start after missing his last regular turn in the rotation because — I’m not making this up — his wife, Jenny, was giving birth in California. To the couple’s second child.

He’s not making this up, people! To the couple’s second child! Who cares, right?

Don’t have kids of my own but I raised a step-son for eight years. I know all about sacrifice and love and how great children are.

They are great. Children, that is. Just as long as they don’t interfere with this dumbass’s warped and twisted sense of duty a player should have to his team. Who gives a rip about children when there is an April start to be made! Further, as Craig Calcaterra points out on Hardball Talk, “Color me shocked that he (a) could not find a woman to procreate with him; and (b) was apparently dumped by his step son’s mother at some point.” Zing. And spot-freaking-on.

But a pitcher missing one of maybe 30 starts? And it’s all kosher because of Major League Baseball’s new paternity leave rule?

I know! Allow me to do the math for Whitt since I’m certain he couldn’t do it himself, let alone operate a calculator: one divided by thirty equals: three percent. Three percent, people! Whitt didn’t even take that much time off to get his first treatment for hair plugs!

Follow me this way to some confusion.

No thanks, I’d rather not. Goodness knows what kind of fractured logic he’s about to lead me into. But he has me intrigued by how in the hell he’s going to attempt to justify his idiocy.

Imagine if Jason Witten missed a game to attend the birth of a child. It’s just, I dunno, weird. Wrong even.

Wrong even? Wouldn’t Witten realize that by missing a game, the Cowboys could very well end up 5-11 and not 6-10? How selfish. And wrong. Even.

Departures? Totally get it because at a funeral you’re saying goodbye to someone for the last time. But an arrival is merely saying hello to someone you’ll see the rest of your life.

Speaking of departures, I have an idea or two where I’d like to see this mouthbreather depart to. And fair enough, Lewis will have the opportunity to say hello to his new child. And to be there to support his wife? Hey, she and her ilk are simply paying the price for Eve’s Original Sin, why should a baseball player have to deal with the stress of childbirth, as well? Learn to keep your legs closed next time, lady.

Baseball players are paid millions to play baseball. If that means “scheduling” births so they occur in the off-season, then so be it. Of the 365 days in a year, starting pitchers “work” maybe 40 of them, counting spring training and playoffs.

Brilliant point. Schedule the births so they occur in the off-season. Duh. And if for some reason there is an unplanned pregnancy, and I don’t mean to be crass here (although I imagine Whitt would be more than happy to discuss it), there are always options to deal with that kind of “annoyance,” right? We’re talking about a Major League Baseball season here! Get with the program, Lewis!

Finally, Whitt wraps up his diatribe against the subjective importance of family and all the irritating trappings that for some unknown reason are attached to such an aggravating responsibility:

If it was a first child, maybe. But a second child causing a player to miss a game? Ludicrous.

See, this one brings up a conundrum. How would this guy feel if it was the first pregnancy but Lewis’ wife was giving birth to twins? Obviously, between the two newborns, there would be more than enough people there to share the experience. Quite the head-scratcher, although I wouldn’t advise Whitt to engage in any head scratching, what with the brand new hair plugs and all.

Hopefully, this Whitt guy was engaging in some heavy – yet foolish, misguided and ultimately, poorly-executed- satire, but to be honest, I’m not buying it. I mean, take a look at the guy. He’s obviously clueless.

Welcome Back to Earth, Texas Rangers. Welcome Back, Colby Lewis? [Dallas Observer (via Hardball Talk)]

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