Moron Columnist Slams Rangers Pitcher For Missing Start To Witness Birth Of Child

He's got an earring so you know he doesn't bow to societal conventions

Hey look! Another deserving entrant into the Douchebag Journalist Hall of Shame. Granted, this one pales in comparison to the troglodytic musings of John Steigerwald, who blamed Giants fan Bryan Stow for the beating he took at a Dodgers-Giants game because he was wearing a Giants jersey, but allow me to introduce you to the ignoramus that is Richie Whitt, a columnist for the Dallas Observer, who took Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis to task for missing a start against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim so he could travel back to California to witness the birth of his second child, a daughter. The nerve!

Please read on to bear witness to the imbecility of Mr. Richie Whitt.

Let’s just get to the idiotic details, and let us address them Fire Joe Morgan-style:

In Game 2, Colby Lewis is scheduled to start after missing his last regular turn in the rotation because — I’m not making this up — his wife, Jenny, was giving birth in California. To the couple’s second child.

He’s not making this up, people! To the couple’s second child! Who cares, right?

Don’t have kids of my own but I raised a step-son for eight years. I know all about sacrifice and love and how great children are.

They are great. Children, that is. Just as long as they don’t interfere with this dumbass’s warped and twisted sense of duty a player should have to his team. Who gives a rip about children when there is an April start to be made! Further, as Craig Calcaterra points out on Hardball Talk, “Color me shocked that he (a) could not find a woman to procreate with him; and (b) was apparently dumped by his step son’s mother at some point.” Zing. And spot-freaking-on.

But a pitcher missing one of maybe 30 starts? And it’s all kosher because of Major League Baseball’s new paternity leave rule?

I know! Allow me to do the math for Whitt since I’m certain he couldn’t do it himself, let alone operate a calculator: one divided by thirty equals: three percent. Three percent, people! Whitt didn’t even take that much time off to get his first treatment for hair plugs!

Follow me this way to some confusion.

No thanks, I’d rather not. Goodness knows what kind of fractured logic he’s about to lead me into. But he has me intrigued by how in the hell he’s going to attempt to justify his idiocy.

Imagine if Jason Witten missed a game to attend the birth of a child. It’s just, I dunno, weird. Wrong even.

Wrong even? Wouldn’t Witten realize that by missing a game, the Cowboys could very well end up 5-11 and not 6-10? How selfish. And wrong. Even.

Departures? Totally get it because at a funeral you’re saying goodbye to someone for the last time. But an arrival is merely saying hello to someone you’ll see the rest of your life.

Speaking of departures, I have an idea or two where I’d like to see this mouthbreather depart to. And fair enough, Lewis will have the opportunity to say hello to his new child. And to be there to support his wife? Hey, she and her ilk are simply paying the price for Eve’s Original Sin, why should a baseball player have to deal with the stress of childbirth, as well? Learn to keep your legs closed next time, lady.

Baseball players are paid millions to play baseball. If that means “scheduling” births so they occur in the off-season, then so be it. Of the 365 days in a year, starting pitchers “work” maybe 40 of them, counting spring training and playoffs.

Brilliant point. Schedule the births so they occur in the off-season. Duh. And if for some reason there is an unplanned pregnancy, and I don’t mean to be crass here (although I imagine Whitt would be more than happy to discuss it), there are always options to deal with that kind of “annoyance,” right? We’re talking about a Major League Baseball season here! Get with the program, Lewis!

Finally, Whitt wraps up his diatribe against the subjective importance of family and all the irritating trappings that for some unknown reason are attached to such an aggravating responsibility:

If it was a first child, maybe. But a second child causing a player to miss a game? Ludicrous.

See, this one brings up a conundrum. How would this guy feel if it was the first pregnancy but Lewis’ wife was giving birth to twins? Obviously, between the two newborns, there would be more than enough people there to share the experience. Quite the head-scratcher, although I wouldn’t advise Whitt to engage in any head scratching, what with the brand new hair plugs and all.

Hopefully, this Whitt guy was engaging in some heavy – yet foolish, misguided and ultimately, poorly-executed- satire, but to be honest, I’m not buying it. I mean, take a look at the guy. He’s obviously clueless.

Welcome Back to Earth, Texas Rangers. Welcome Back, Colby Lewis? [Dallas Observer (via Hardball Talk)]

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21 Comments

  1. Upstate Underdog

    April 20, 2011 at 10:27 am

    “If it was a first child, maybe. But a second child causing a player to miss a game? Ludicrous.”

    Well everyone knows that the first born is the only one that matters. Fucking douche. I’m shocked that his collar isn’t popped in that picture.

  2. hotpants

    April 20, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Either this guy is a complete asshat, or he’s going for shock value. I’m sure his readership numbers are down so he writes something guaranteed to bring on the masses.

  3. Dad of two

    April 20, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Another point that is completely not understood by this clown is that childbirth is a major medical procedure. There are numerous complications that couldn’t be known beforehand, and the mother may not be able to make decisions if she’s sedated or otherwise incapacitated. So the father may have to make decisions that impact the lives of two people.

  4. Johnny Valentine

    April 20, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Now that listeners in the Metroplex know how he looks, maybe his producers will yank him. I live in Dallas and have to endure this contrary jackwagon everyday on the CBS affiliate 105.3 The Fan. Hey folks, he’s so classy he’d doing a live spot @ a strip joint, Baby Dolls, tomorrow! And BTW he sounds as douchey as he looks.

  5. Lem Utu

    April 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

    Nice takedown of a certified douche. I emailed him the link in case he missed it.

  6. Richie's mailman

    April 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

    See what we have to deal with everyday? Please America, help us find a Dallas blogger that doesn’t write stuff just for page hits.
    Feel free to come on over anytime. Richie does these kinds of columns daily. Sadly, he believes most of it and regurgitates it on his 2-7pm radio show everyday.

    http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/sportatorium/

  7. Bogie41

    April 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

    This is not satire. I’m from Dallas and therefore no stranger to Richie Whitt’s ass-hattery. I read his column every week, and every week I gaze to the heavens and cry angry tears. He’s the perfect example of why we shouldn’t give platforms to mouth-breathing, lowest-common-denominator types. And Calcaterra’s dead on. His lady-friend left him a couple years ago.

    • Richie Whitt

      April 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

      Everything y’all say is spot on. Except I divorced my ex-wife, not vice-versa. Carry on.

      • Drieux

        April 21, 2011 at 9:34 am

        Mr. (And I use that term loosely)Whitt– I am a woman–a mother–AND a baseball fan! Have you lost your f*****g mind? If he had missed his child’s birth—then it would have been ludicrous…not vice versa! Colby Smith is a baseball player. That’s his JOB, not his life. His FAMILY is his life! My son’s father was there from birth—where he was SUPPosed to be! END of discussion…you owe Colby Smith, the Texas Rangers AND the fans a true and hearfelt apology……………………………….

  8. ppabich

    April 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Well, he did come back for the game last night, and his favorite pitcher only picked up the loss in a 15-4 game. Maybe Colby Lewis should have taken paternity leave.

  9. Bookaboom

    April 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Coming from a DFW resident, unfortunately, it’s not satire for him. He believes this is groundbreaking journalism. His name is synonymous with “doucher” in the Metroplex.

  10. trey

    April 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

    haha i love richie whitt!

  11. gjdodger

    April 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Pat Corrales, 70 years old and all, would like to introduce Whitt to a knuckle sandwich.

  12. Kevin In O-Town

    April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    The only other thing worth pointing out is that childbirth remains one of our true miracles in this world. My wife and I are blessed with two children, but we also had to work through two miscarriages, as many other people have to. So props to Colby Lewis, the Texas Rangers and all other pro athletes and teams in recognizing the importance of this event. As for Mr. Whitt, well, I can only hope he gave his head a shake and wonders “Whatw as I thinking?”.

  13. Buck

    April 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    What a douche!!!

  14. Kevin

    April 20, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    He looks like Guy Fieri with AIDS

    • Dwayne

      April 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      more like Howard the Duck

  15. Tiger Woods

    April 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    This guy is just one of the many reasons why 105.3 The Fan sucks hard core.

  16. Glen

    April 20, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    It seems fairly clear that the majority of the responses here are emotion-driven comments that allow the writer to feel secure in the fact that he or she is conforming to what is perceived as the societal norm when it comes to the topic of childbirth. Heaven forbid that someone should have thoughts that don’t conform; and worse, verbalize those thoughts. SHAME, SHAME, Richie! (sarcasm intended)

    C’mon folks; EMBRACE YOUR RAGE!!!!!!

    • Tiger Woods

      April 21, 2011 at 1:25 am

      Thanks for letting us know that you’re a douche too.

      Richie Whitt is an f’ing idiot, who is the worst host on the lowest rated sports radio station in the DFW market. Although Greggo does give him a run for his money. Let’s see: Greggo the ever-recovering drug addict/reject of Sports Radio 1310 The Ticket, plus the loudmouth wanna-be journalist / d-bag of DFW. Great combination! Stay classy 105.3 The Fan!

  17. Greg "The Hammer" Williams

    April 21, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    It hasn’t been mentioned here, but Richie Whitt took time off work to get a hair transplant a few months ago. True story, brutha!

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