Archive for March, 2011
Good to know. Good to know. Talk about a load…off my mind. Anyhoo, in a wide-ranging interview with Michelle Kaufman of The Miami Herald, Andy Roddick discusses how he is finally secure with himself and his place, in not only the world of professional tennis, but in his personal life as well, evidenced by his insistence that he doesn’t give it a second thought that guys all over the world are continuously ogling photos of his gorgeous swimsuit model wife, Brooklyn Decker.
Via The Miami Herald:
“Doesn’t bother me at all,” he said Wednesday afternoon, leaning back in a chair at the Crandon Park Tennis Center, where he returns as defending champion of the Sony Ericsson Open. “I can’t change it. I’m secure with it.”
And why wouldn’t he be? He’s the one that gets to go home to her every night, not the troglodytic denizens of the interwebs who spend their days and nights in an unending, ultimately unsatisfying search for new photos of sexy swimsuit models to which they can perversely leer over.
What’s that? Referring to myself? No way, Jose. Anything and everything I do on the internet is strictly for research purposes only in order to scientifically and categorically document the manner in which all of you are a bunch of desperate horndoggers. Sickees.
Andy Roddick’s status remains secure [The Miami Herald]
To pimp her upcoming, sure-to-be sordid biography, Sherrie Daly, John Daly Ex-Wife No. 4, sat down with Golf Digest’s Alex Myers to discuss the book and how it details the many faces, personalities and bodily functions of her ex. The book, Teed Off: My Life As A Player’s Wife On The PGA Tour (Teed Off? get it?), Sherrie Daly regales us with a splendid little story regarding how Daly once expressed his dissatisfaction with a paint job performed in their home.
From Golf Digest (via Wei Under Par):
Perhaps one story sums up how unpredictable living with John Daly could be. According to Sherrie, after being in Germany, the couple returned to their Arkansas house with John’s mother, Lou, and some neighbors to see the progress interior decorators were making on some changes she wanted. When they discovered the walls of the kitchen had been painted in the wrong color, John did the unthinkable.
“So in front of everyone, in front of his own mother, John whipped it out and started peeing all over the wall,” she writes.
Awesome. Kind of. In a pissed off pissing party sort of way. Let’s face it: John Daly is a rock star and peeing all over stuff is what rock stars do. Apparently. Obviously, this entire charade of “writing” a book is simply one last ditch effort for Sherrie Daly to somehow profit off her stormy relationship with Big John, but with stories like that, I bet people will be very interested to read it, regardless of whether or not any of the tawdry tales are actually true.
Daly’s ex-wife paints sordid picture in book [Golf Digest (via Wei Under Par)]
Susan Finkelstein, the infamous Philadelphia Phillies fan who unsuccessfully negotiated a “sex for World Series tickets” deal via Craigslist for the 2009 World Series between the Phillies and the New York Yankees – mainly due to the fact of upon meeting the interested parties, it was revealed they were undercover policeman (duh) – somehow manages to keep herself in the spotlight in order to milk her 15 minutes of fame for all its worth.
This time around, Finkelstein has posed toplesss for an upcoming issue of Philadelphia Magazine. And let me tell you, it’s certainly…something.
Now, the following photo, which will appear in a non-pornographic magazine, is obviously safe for work, but perhaps not safe for your rods and cones. You’ve been warned.
(don't let my MSPaint artistry fool you - this is not the real portrait)
Presidents, American heroes…Pedro?
Joining such classic and treasured portraits such as the revered Landsdowne portrait of George Washington in the National Portrait Gallery will be a painting of eight-time All-Star and three-time Cy Young Award winner Pedro Martinez. I know. Weird. According to the Smithsonian’s press release, Martinez’s portrait will be the first painting exhibited at the Gallery to feature a Major League baseball player. The portrait, painted in 2000 by Susan Miller-Havens with oil and beeswax on Baltic Birch, is most certainly a finely crafted piece of art, but am I the only one who finds it a tad bizarre that they elected to go with Pedro? Are there not other legendary baseball players who might be more deserving of such an honor? Aren’t there paintings of Babe Ruth, Ted Williams or Doc Ellis out there? Don’t get me wrong, Pedro Martinez was a fine baseball player and by all accounts, a decent human being (although Don Zimmer might disagree – on the other hand, Nelson De La Rosa would support that assertion, God rest his tiny soul), but nevertheless, what an odd choice.
Pedro’s portrait will be officially unveiled in Washington on Thursday and Pedro is expected to attend the event.
Actual portrait of Pedro follows.
Here’s Washington Capitals superstar/Unfrozen Cavemen Hockey Player Alexander Ovechkin enjoying some mighty tasty-looking grub with a couple of buds. Ovie, who is in the midst of missing between a week to ten days of the remainder of the season due to an undisclosed “nagging injury”, obviously enjoys taking the time to enjoy the finer things in life. Of course, I am referring to a feast consisting of sausages and other assorted meats, but I also could be referring to Epic Turkish Boat Parties, but I suppose that goes without saying.
The photo, uploaded Wednesday evening to yfrog, is captioned by Ovie with the following message:
Country BBQ time hahahaha with my best friends!misha and olga
Ovie. Sassage. Ovie. Sassage. Ditka.
Correct me if I’m wrong – actually, don’t – I won’t listen – but given that spread of meaty deliciousness, I would love to see Ovechkin make an appearance in a “Bill Swerski’s Superfans” sketch, although it just wouldn’t be the same without Todd O’Connor. Or Pat Arnold. Yes, I know that Pat Arnold was portrayed by Mike Myers and that he, unlike Farley, is still technically alive, but let’s be honest: we all know Myers is dead on the inside.
[image via]
Well played, Funny or Die. Well played.
It’s hard to argue with the certifiable fact that everything is better with Gus Johnson. Soccer highlights? Check. Video of a bulldog humping a teddy bear? Check. King Cobra Malt Liquor references? Oh, you better believe it. Internet soundboards so entertaining that wasting an entire day playing with it is not out of the realm of possibility? Yep.
Indeed, Gus Johnson Mania is quickly consuming us. Perhaps, Gus should strike while the iron is hot and run for President. Or get his own television show. Or start his own “Books on Tape” side business. You know what? Maybe Gus Johnson should just keep on doing what he’s doing, because nobody does it better. Yeah, that was a Carly Simon reference. Wanna fight about it?
[H/T Funny or Die]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• It’s about time the scientific community has caught up with what I have been saying for years: hot dogs are extremely beneficial to your health. Alright, perhaps that’s taking it a step too far, but according to research conducted at Kansas State University, food items like hot dogs, pepperoni and deli meats are better for you than say, a rotisserie chicken, as those tasty morsels of meaty goodness contain less heterocyclic amines, a carcinogenic compound. Now if only some scientist could provide evidence that we should drink more beer, then we would really be in business. [msnbc]
• Another edition of “The Dugout”: 2011 Pittsburgh Pirates spring training. Well, not really, but it features Barry Bonds and it’s superb. [With Leather]
• Oh no he di’int! Orioles manager Buck Showalter ripped Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Today in irony: Tiger’s swing app. [Wei Under Par]
• Why in the holy hell did Rajon Rondo pass up this shot? [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Are the New York Giants gunning for Mark Ingram? [Rumors & Rants]
• Get well soon, Roy Oswalt’s neck. [Babes Love Baseball]
• Should Knicks head coach Mike D’Antoni be on the hot seat? [Outside the Boxscore]
• Holy marathon puddle, Batman! [Bob's Blitz]
• Here’s video of Novak Djokovic playing tennis on an airplane wing mid-flight. Wait. What? [Ted Williams Head]
• Ah yes, more Ladies of March Madness. Today, Tina from Florida State. [Busted Coverage]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Child Makes Useless Gesture To Help Struggling Family
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has no life. [The Basketball Jones]
• What is “awesome”? Alex Trebek overdubbed so it appears he’s doing college football highlights, that’s what. [With Leather]
• Detroit Tigers infielder Will Rhymes is obsessed with Chipotle. [Big League Stew]
• Michael Vick’s high school has banned his jersey…again. [Off the Bench]
• Another provocative edition of “Ladies of March Madness” for your enjoyment. [Busted Coverage]
• It looks like the NHL won’t open its 2011-12 season in Russia after all. [Puck Daddy]
• My pals at MYFO take a stab at guessing at just what Gary Bettman’s post-NHL job might be. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Be the first kid on your block to get yourself a pack of Barry Bonds Trial trading cards! [TAUNTR]
• Huh: “Alonzo Spellman’s Steel Cut Baby Skulls Are 100% Soluble Fiber!” Color me intrigued. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Five offenses that would also get Dez Bryant kicked out of a mall. [Ted Williams Head]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Cover Author Working On Word-For-Word Remake Of ‘Moby-Dick’
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
It has been announced that Former Iowa State Cyclones defensive lineman Kurtis Taylor has won the “Genuine Ken: The Search for the Great American Boyfriend” contest. What does that mean, you ask? It means that Taylor will be the face of the new, improved and updated Ken doll. Now that’s a feather for his cap, wouldn’t you agree? Isn’t every young boy’s dream to one day have your face immortalized courtesy of being part of a product one can find in the toy aisle of any department store? Granted, most young lads likely dream that said toy would be a G.I. Joe or some other action figure as opposed to a doll played with by girls, but beggars can’t be choosers. Personally, I always dreamed of being the face of the next Cabbage Patch Kid, but that dream never came to fruition. Unfortunately for me, I ended up being a lot more like Cabbage Head, but that’s another story.
All that aside, as you can see from the video, Taylor is an excellent candidate and I’m sure he’ll be darn proud of the fact that he will be memorialized in molded vinyl. Turns out he was a pretty decent football player to boot (via Sporting News):
So Barbie, your new man may not have won a Heisman Trophy or even a BCS title, but he wasn’t a bad college football player. With a playing weight of 255 pounds, the 6-foot-2 Taylor was named Iowa State’s comeback player of the year, ranking second in the Big 12 with 6.5 sacks after missing the entire 2006 season, according to the Cyclones’ website. He also made the Big 12 commissioner’s honor roll, as any friend of Barbie should.
So, I guess all that’s left to add is a hearty congratulations to Mr. Taylor. And if he doesn’t invite me to the party at Barbie’s Malibu Beach House, I’m gonna be so pissed.
*apologies for the reference to the atrocity that is Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” “song.” I don’t know what I was thinking.
New Ken doll will bear the face of a former Iowa State football player [Sporting News]
Seriously, what in the hell is happening in the above video? Whatever it is, it is most certainly chilling. You got the baby puppet, the face painting, the eerie and completely nightmarish way he sticks out his tongue towards the end…yowsers. Even a layperson can deduce from that few seconds of video that this is the kind of person who has neighbors that wouldn’t be surprised when the authorities discover dismembered corpses in his freezer. Check that: not wouldn’t be surprised – won’t be surprised.
A word of warning, Hypnotic Staring Cricket Fan: you have met your match. Just walk away. Walk away. I mean it, not staring at me already. I already have a crippling case of the heebie-jeebies as it is!
[H/T The Score Buzz (via Sharapova's Thigh)]
Regular readers of the Sportress – all two of you (Hi Mom!) – are no doubt already aware of the fact that I am a big fan of the legendary, ink-stained sports scribe Frank Deford. He is the embodiment of everything that right and good about sports journalism. Well, Mr. Deford delivered an extra special treat today: the return of his” pal,” the Sports Curmudgeon. To wit (via SI):
My old friend, the Sports Curmudgeon, has been on hiatus for a while, just stewing in his own bile as he watches the idiotic graphics on ESPN grow and swell and get stupider and get in the way of the picture. But he told me he figures if Tiki Barber thinks he can return to the NFL to play running back after four years, the Sports Curmudgeon can come back and be crabby again.
An unprovoked – yet completely warranted – attack on ESPN? Bravo.
In the column, Deford – er, Sports Curmudgeon – proceeds to rip the NFL, President Obama’s NCAA Tourney brackets, the favorite for the Triple Crown and lambastes Major League Baseball for not inviting Japanese baseball teams over to the States and assist in raising money for the victims of the tragedy? It’s a good read, but that’s to be expected from Mr. Frank Deford.
Like Tiki Barber, the Sports Curmudgeon’s back and crabby [SI]
Unfortunately, that is not exactly what Sports Biz with Darren Rovell is reporting as it pertains to the upcoming presence of Food Network at Major League ballparks this season. In fact, the above title regarding Claire Robinson, the gorgeous host of Five Ingredient Fix, couldn’t have less to do with to Rovell’s report. But hey, a boy can dream, can’t he?
…
…
What? Where was I? Oh yeah. Food Network and major league ballparks. As a person who watches perhaps a bit too much of the network which had a lot to do with the emergence of the term “food porn” into our collective psyche (courtesy of Jim Gaffigan, of course), there is no doubt this is a potential match made in culinary heaven. So long, hot dogs and peanuts. Hello, Red, White & Blue steak sandwich!
…created in the Food Network kitchen in New York, features Maytag blue cheese and sweet and spicy Peppadew-pepper mayonnaise on a French demi baguette. The item will be sold in Food Network branded concession areas at the Great American Ballpark (Cincinnati), Progressive Field (Cleveland), Comerica Park (Detroit), Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, Busch Stadium (St. Louis), Miller Park (Milwaukee), Petco Park (San Diego) and Oriole Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore). The network will also have a steak sandwich topped with local favorites in each of the parks, like in Milwaukee where the sandwich will be topped with a sharp and hoppy beer cheese.
Sounds delicious. Almost as delicious as Claire Robinson’s incredibly intoxicating voice. Uh-oh. There I go again.
…
Back on point here – speaking of “on point,” I wonder if Guy Fieri Doppelganger Guy who tricked the Kansas City Royals broadcasting crew last season is pumped up about this development. One person who I can assure you is pretty excited is Sergei Kuharsky, general manager of Food Network’s new business enterprises, who said, “We are all about the nexus between food and entertainment.”
Nexus? Is he saying that in metaphorical terms, Food Network is in a phone booth located at 1st and 1st? What? Do you want Seinfeld references or more Claire Robinson*? It’s your choice.
* that screencap of Miss Robinson eating a corn dog photo is just plain wrong, by the way – you should be ashamed of yourself for enjoying it so much
Coming to a Ballpark Near You — Food Network Branded Sandwiches [Sports Biz with Darren Rovell]
ALL ABOARD! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! (insert epic bass clarinet line here)
Moving on, courtesy of D.C. Sports Bog comes this promo for CSN Washington’s upcoming coverage of Washington Capitals playoff coverage featuring none other than the Prince of Darkness himself, Ozzy Osbourne. Apparently, Oz has become something of a fixture at Verizon Center this season so I guess it makes perfect sense to feature the Metal Godfather in promos – not to mention how it is equally difficult to know exactly what either he or Alexander Ovechkin are saying when speaking in English. Yet after viewing the spot, I am left wondering exactly where Justin Bieber is – Oz doesn’t make a move anymore without the Biebster. So I’m told. No, I don’t frequent Justin Bieber message boards. Anymore.
[H/T D.C. Sports Bog]
This moment of madness brought to you by Muscle Milk®. It’s powerful protein. Drink. Evolve™
When I was approached by Muscle Milk and asked if I would like to write something about a great moment from over the years of NCAA Tournament March Madness, at first, I was overwhelmed by the many options I would be able to select from for this post. But after giving it some thought, I realized that perhaps no single moment from March Madness history better justifies the belief that if you become the best YOU that you can be, anything can happen better than North Carolina State University Wolfpack’s magical run to the 1983 NCAA Championship.
Led by the late, great Jim Valvano, N.C. State, dubbed The Cardiac Pack due to the team’s habit of narrowly eking out victories, shocked the world and have an integral role in how the potential for the Next NCAA Tournament Cinderella Story captivates college basketball fans to this day.
After Lawrence Taylor was sentenced to six years of probation and will be forced to register as a sex offender due to his pleading guilty to sexual misconduct for having sex with a 16-year-old prostitute, the former New York Giants great turned into a veritable quote machine during an interview with FOX’s Sheperd Smith. During the interview, Taylor valiantly attempted to justify his proclivity for cavorting with underage prostitutes by citing this is how it is in the shady world of prostitution – (the entire story is a must read), perhaps his most awkwardly inappropriate statement, yet amusing for all the wrong reasons, was the following (via ESPN New York):
“It’s the world of prostitution,” he said to Fox. “You never know what you’re gonna get. Is it gonna be a pretty girl, an ugly girl or whatever it’s gonna be.”
Or a young girl? Shepard asked.
“You can only ask,” Taylor said. “I don’t card them. I don’t ask for birth certificate.”
Zing. And wow. I guess we should give credit to Taylor for not going with the easy Forrest Gump reference and said, “Ordering up a skeezy hooker without seeing them first is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Nevertheless, as the saying goes, ignorance is no defense, so I find it hard to feel sorry for Taylor for the predicament he presently finds himself in. Perhaps, LT could have avoided all this trouble had he simply hung the following sign on his motel room door:
