Archive for March, 2011
If you have – and frankly, who hasn’t? – well, sir, do I have a link for you!
For some bonus enjoyment, imagine Peter Graves (God rest his noble soul) reading the above headline as Captain Oveur. Trust me, it works. “Joey, ever wondered how humans got barbless penises?” See? I told you so.
How humans got big brains, barbless penises [Yahoo!]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
Note: I have no idea why this did not publish at the scheduled time. Stupid, schedule-ruining computer Gremlins.
• Sweet mercy: Venus Williams is not good at karaoke. [With Leather]
• Woods on his PGA Tour playing schedule: it’s the divorce, stupid. [Pro Golf Talk]
• Chicago Bulls chairman Jerry Reinsdorf believes the team can win 4 NBA titles. [Rumors & Rants]
• Show me that smile again: “Miami Heat’s Growing Pains.” [The Basketball Jones]
• Kansas City Royals mascot on trial for assault by wiener. [Off the Bench]
• See “The Boshstrich” in its natural habitat. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Jay-Z has offered up tickets to sit with him courtside at a Knicks game. [Ted Williams Head]
• Yay! Another edition of NSFWednesday! In today’s edition: The Amazing ZENDO strikes again. [Melt Your Face Off]
• You too can have glamorous balls. Find out how. [The Slanch Report]
• Wes Welker: still dropping foot references. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Taken from a column by Yahoo!’s Jeff Passan about the brilliant and always-eloquent Chicago White Sox manager (via Hardball Talk):
“I’m the Charlie Sheen of baseball,” Guillen said, “without drugs and a prostitute.”
Win. Or perhaps, Winning! Either way, Ozzie should have his own talk show or stand-up special. Crap, he’s like a funny version of George Lopez.
Meeting of mouths: Ozzie Guillen-Muhammad Ali [Yahoo! (via Hardball Talk)]
(image via)
Here’s a lesson for all of you aspiring collegiate mascots out there: don’t piss off grumpy old men sitting in the stands at gymnastics meets. If you do elect to take that course of action, you might find yourself knockeddafuggout after said old dude drops you with a roundhouse right.
At least that’s the fate which befell Goldy Gopher (shown above, in happier, GILF-hunting times), the mascot of the University of Minnesota, during a men’s gymnastics meet last Saturday at the school’s Sports Pavilion. According to a report in the university’s newspaper, The Minnesota Daily, Goldy began to get under the skin of one 60-year-old curmudgeonly old coot, Douglas Dokken, and that’s when things got a wee bit out of control. Apparently, according to witness Barry Colthorpe, the last straw appeared to be when Goldy tapped Dokken on the shoulder and ruffled Dokken’s hair. Result: BLAMMO!
Colthorpe said Dokken was ignoring Goldy’s antics, but within a couple of minutes, he snapped, turned around and punched Goldy in the face.
Goldy froze, but within moments of the first punch, Dokken wailed another, forcing Goldy to leave the area.
“I think it was clearly amusing — it’s not something you see every day,” Colthrope, 27, said. “It was just two people fighting, but if one of them is dressed up as a 7-foot gopher, then it’s pretty amusing.”
The report goes on to indicate that Goldy informed his supervisor of the attack and Dokken was promptly arrested once the meet was finished. Police cited the surly old man with disorderly conduct. Dokken has also been banned from the Sports Pavilion for one year. Dokken has indicated he is relieved Goldy was not seriously injured and said, “It was something I deeply regret. It was a moment of temporarily being upset, and I should have just walked out of there.”
Despite the one-year ban, it appears that this ugly situation turned out as best as can be expected. I mean, messing with an old guy’s hair is one thing, imagine if Goldy had succumbed to his gopher instincts and started tearing up the old man’s lawn. Just saying. I mean, that’s worse than a bunch of kids not staying off it, right?
Goldy goes down after weekend fan assault [The Minnesota Daily]
Up The Irons!
As I am sure my fellow Iron Maiden devotees will agree, a video featuring a bunch of tykes singing “Flight of the Icarus” is downright adorable…and a bit frightening. In a good way, of course. But if I may offer up one suggestion, “Children of the Damned” might have been a more apropos choice, but let’s not get bogged down in the details. Just enjoy.
(H/T to commenter of some renown, Upstate Underdog, for the heads up)
Note: to learn more about the organization behind this precious (and totally metal) vid, check out Kerrang! Radio’s “Cash for Kids” website.
The webs, they’ve been taken over, they have. Aye.
A well-deserved +1 to COED Magazine for referring to the hottest dance craze to sweep the nation since, um, “The Macarena” (“The Tootsie Roll”, maybe? Does “Pants On The Ground” qualify? No matter) as “Tom Brady’s Fairy Dance.” Nice. All that needs to be done is for some enterprising individual to come up with a song containing instructional lyrics so grandmas, invalids and uncoordinated wedding attendees can do the Tom Brady Fairy Dance to their heart’s delight. Myself? I’m sticking with “The Electric Slide” because I’m old school like that.
[H/T The Big Lead]
Scratch that, I triple dog dare you. But before you even embark on that fool’s errand, allow me to warn you: you’re never going to win, pal. Give it up.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to unsuccessfully attempt to completely bleach my mind of Hypnotic Staring Cricket Fan’s menacing, dark and penetrating gaze. Chilling. It’s almost as if he is peering into my very soul, taking inventory of every one of my impure thoughts while simultaneously condemning me for each of them as he sinisterly mocks me for my irrational fears. Talk about the heebie-jeebies.
[H/T Friends of the Program]
What the fungus? I’ll give eBay seller koskre8r credit, he doesn’t pussyfoot around when he knows he has an item of great value and previous edibility.
That’s right, he’s trying to sell a bent french fry from Burger King that kind of resembles a hockey stick (or a gym sock, or a chaise lounge if rotated 90 degrees, or a, um, old, dehydrated french fry) for 8,888 smackeroos.
From eBay, his semi-coherent rationale and justification for asking for such an exorbitant amount for a bendy slice of tater (via Puck Daddy):
times are tough and having heard of all the wacky things which have sold for thousands or tens of thousands of dollars on ebay i have such an item of my own to sell. Behold it is my Burger King French Fry Hockey Stick which was in a medium french fry container bought at the drive-thru along with 2 whopper juniors here in Arlington Virginia just outside of Washington, D.C. I grew up playing ice and roller hockey and the instant I saw it i knew what it was, a hockey stick. I guarantee to you 100% that this is absolutely authentic from Burger King and not tampered with in any way, it is 2-1/2 inches long and 1 inch wide. I would assume that processing from a potato to a french fry at the Burger King factory is 85% automated and 15% by people and you have to admit considering quality control standards that if the computers or people had spotted this one it would have been discarded during processing and never made it to me fried and salted because french fries are supposed to be straight although some places sell them curly, but not Burger King, and being shaped like a hockey stick i guess makes it rare and thus worth money, but how much money? I certainly dont know how you could put a price on this but 8 is my lucky number and my buy it now price reflects that. You know i figure if people can sell cheetos and slices of toast or other food items oddly shaped or resembling something else maybe i could sell mine for alot of money too. So come on and make my day, I will ship priority to confirmed address only. I only accept Paypal and will answer all questions ASAP. thanks and just so you know this hockey stick looks just as fresh and delicious today as it did on the day that i bought it.
There is so much awesomeness in that lower case treatise regarding the inherent qualities sought after by savvy sports memorabilia collectors I don’t even know where to begin, although the fact that he suspects that providing a 100% guarantee that the french fry “:…is absolutely authentic from Burger King and not tampered with in any way…” somehow will provide comfort to any potential bidders, of which there are, at the time of the publishing of this post, have been two. Since as far as I can tell, koskre8r has set an end date of fourteen days out when the bidding time allotted will end, all he has to do is bide his time. Surely, somebody will come along who shares his views on the majestic wonder that is his Burger King French Fry Hockey Stick.
Let me put this question to you guys? What’s the bit here? It’s got to be a joke, right? Or could he possibly be serious? Is it possible that this fellow wholeheartedly believes that his Hockey Stick has value? I choose to believe that this guy really does think someone would buy his Burger King French Fry Hockey Stick. The world needs its dreamers. And people who see artistic beauty in the world where others do not. Further, it sure beats the hell out of the Tater Tot from Sonic I tried to sell which was the absolute spitting image of Martin Brodeur.
[H/T Puck Daddy]
Out of D.C., here’s Comcast SportsNet anchor Michael Jenkins gleefully mocking Tom Brady’s rhythmically challenged dance moves while the Patriots QB was whooping it up during Carnival in Brazil.
Where will it end? Will the “Tom Brady Is A Horrific Dancer” meme make the leap to network television and if so, will Jay Leno be the first to ridicule him next? How about a poorly-executed Saturday Night Live skit? Although using “poorly executed” in the same sentence as “Saturday Night Live skit” is somewhat redundant.
All I know is I hope this dance craze doesn’t get as out of hand as John Wall’s Dougie. That crap turned out to be flat out annoying.
[H/T D.C. Sports Bog]
As the number five and number 6-ranked players in the world respectively, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson will be paired together – along with third wheel Graeme McDowell - for the first two rounds of the World Golf Championship-Cadillac Championship at Doral this week. Surprisingly, this will be the 26th time the heated rivals – and one-time ping pong pals – have been paired up and while Tiger’s precipitous drop in performance over the past year puts a bit of a damper on the magic of the moment, the sight of the two formidable foes is sure to reignite memories of past battles between the two, in particular given the locale of the tournament: Doral’s TPC Blue Monster.
Via The Miami Herald:
“I think it gives it more electricity on Thursday and Friday. Maybe that helps bridge us to the weekend,” tournament director Eddie Carbone said. “We have all the world’s best players here. We’ve got everybody. It’s a perfect game. This happened in [2007] and ’09. This is the third time it’s happened since it became a World Golf Championships event. With that, the possibilities are incredible. And it starts off with a pairing that hearkens back to a very memorable event for South Florida sports fans.”
Carbone is referring to the 2005 Ford Championship where Tiger and Phil battled fiercely until the bitter end, with Woods narrowly edging Mickelson by one stroke when all was said and done.
But no matter how things play out over the coming days, the two will always have the memories. And Ping Pong. Which is nice.
Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson in same group at Doral [The Miami Herald]
And when you can call a mid-haircut, half-Afro mugshot the best ever, you know it’s a doozy. And we can thank David Davis slashing someone with a scissors while having his Afro trimmed in Stamford, Connecticut for this little piece of whimsical brilliance.
Via the Daily Mail:
According to a police statement, Mr Davis was getting a haircut in the flat at 126 Henry St. when the victim approached in what Mr Davis called an “aggressive manner,” so he picked up scissors to protect himself.
The victim was wearing a heavy coat when he was attacked so it was difficult to say whether his wounds were serious, but there was a considerable amount of blood on his clothes, Stamford police told newstimes.com.
Davis has been charged with first degree assault. No word on whether or not Davis has had the chance to finish getting his hair cut.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Tiger poo: it’s not just for sh*tslinging anymore! According to feces-obsessed Australian scientists, tiger dung is a wonderful tool to keep herbivores away from certain plants. University of Queensland Associate Professor Peter Murray: “There’s not only a chemical signal in the faeces that says ‘Hooly dooley, this is a dangerous animal’, it’s ‘Hooly dooley, this is a dangerous animal that’s been eating my friends’.” Heh. Hooly dooley. That’s my new favorite phrase. [Yahoo!]
• A handy guide to assist you in knowing your baseball mascots. Today: the Pioneer Baseball League. [With Leather]
• Phil Jackson takes a dig at the weepy Miami Heat players, earns a “Zing!” [Off the Bench]
• Gotta support the team: fan shaves Brewers logo into his head. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Tiger Woods is pretty pumped about his new practice facility. [Wei Under Par]
• Headline you have no choice but to agree with: “Everybody Hates Tiki Barber.” [Deuce of Davenport]
• Brilliance from Spencer Hall: a handy Jim Tressel Press Conference Summary. [EDSBS]
• A survival guide to the NCAA Tournament changes. [Unathletic]
• The best one-punch street brawl KO you’ll see all day. [Busted Coverage]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Peewee Football Player Retires To Spend More Time With His Mom And Dad
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Tiki Barber, obviously insane, is staging an NFL comeback. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Is it possible that Lenny Dykstra is doing worse than Charlie Sheen? [With Leather]
• Finally, some high quality Brad Miller art. [The Basketball Jones]
• Could this be the best horse racing call of all time? [Off the Bench]
• A must read: KSK Presents: STICKING POINTS! Your Guide To The CBA Standoff [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• This blog post is making me thirsty: the top 10 beers available at MLB ballparks. [Big League Stew]
• Ndamukong Suh believes the Detroit Lions can go 16-0 next year. Mmmkay. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Concussions appear to be developing into quite the problem for Sidney Crosby’s family. [Puck Daddy]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: West Virginia Celebrates As 32 Die In Non-Mining-Related Accident
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
How do I know this? Allow me to submit the caption @thenyknicks added to the above photo uploaded to Yfrog depicting one Amare Stoudemire shooing some jump shots.
When practice ends, it’s just beginning for @Amareisreal. #hardwork
Man, they ain’t kidding. Because when I think about #hardwork, my thoughts instantly turn to the nearly degrading existence suffered through by the average NBA athlete. Think about it from Amare’s perspective: the guy drags his ass out of bed, at what? 10:00 or so? From that point forward his day is a virtual death march down a trail of tears. On some days, he might have to pour his own bowl of cereal – I’m guessing Sugar Smacks in Amare’s case. Next, he is forced to depart from his posh NYC digs to take a car service down to the arena where he’s put through the motions at practice. Then, just when you think things cannot get any more grueling, Amare proceeds to shoot jump shots – all on his own, mind you – and get this: practice is freaking over! And the work is just beginning for @Amareisreal.
I am sure glad I don’t have to suffer the indignities associated with living that dude’s life. To paraphrase Allen Iverson, we’re talking about practice. And then more jump shots. The horror…the horror.
Waking up this morning, I was in a strange state of mind, which isn’t weird in and of itself, but as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked around the YMCA, my thoughts turned, as they often do, to the goings-on at ESPN. So I says to myself, I says, “You know what, Weed? Have you ever contemplated exactly what happens during late nights at ESPN HQ? You know, other than Alexander Ovechkin’s Russian spy antics and the super secret airings of Chris Berman’s extensive collection of snuff films. So I’ve heard*.
Well, lo and behold, on the exact day – the exact day, I says – what falls into my lap but a video from tWWL regarding the very thing I was contemplating as I fought with my bunk mate over a piece of government cheese? A damn video detailing how “ESPN never sleeps.” Spooky.
And let me tell you, while the people profiled seem quite nice and very capable individuals, the video lacked any semblance of acceptable production quality. I mean, the audio is not even synced up with the video. The entire time I was watching it I felt like I was watching a 1970s poorly dubbed martial arts film. Well, that, or that one dude from the Police Academy movies. Same thing.
* I’ve never heard such a thing
Behind the scenes with ESPN’s night owls [ESPN Media Zone]
