Archive for February, 2011
Sorry folks, it be true: once again, the Sportress will be temporarily closed on Wednesday due to some commitments I have outside of the office. What kind of commitments, you ask? Oh, the usual. Wheeling. Dealing. Martini Lunches. Whatnot.
But have no fear, despite the fact that posting at the Sportress over the past few weeks has been sporadic at best, I now see a light at the end of the tunnel relating to all the distractions which have been preventing me from spending time working on this silly little blog. It’s a difficult decision to make bright and early in the morning – having to decide between attending to previous obligations or staying within the friendly confines of the Sportress, almost to the point where I was tempted to make a Sophie’s Choice reference before deciding that would be crass and an example of extreme hyperbole, although I suppose referencing that I was intending to make a reference before thinking better of it is a reference in and of itself. Huh.
Anyhoo, everything should resume get back to some semblance of normalcy tomorrow and from there, let the good times roll. Or what have you.
Have a great Wednesday and we’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.
Wow. The resemblance is uncanny.
Wait. Is that behemoth sandwich created by NYC’s world famous Carnegie Deli in honor of Carmelo taking his talent to MSG supposed to look like Anthony? If not, I’m somewhat concerned regarding my mental well-being. Well, more than I usually am about my fragile, quickly-slipping grip on reality.
In any event, it looks might tasty. And for the reasonable price of $21.95*, it’s quite the bargain.
* angioplasty sold separately
[H/T TMZ]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Not surprisingly, newspapers went pun-crazy regarding the Carmelo trade. [The Basketball Jones]
• Speaking of which, it’s high time for a new New York Knicks anthem… [Deuce of Davenport]
• …and lo and behold, here’s an absolutely atrocious one! [Ted Williams Head]
• In my last Carmelo mention, did you happen to catch him on Conan? [With Leather]
• See if you can pick out Derek Jeter’s mansion on this Google Map. [Bob's Blitz]
• Peter King’s year in review column was incredibly Peter King-esque, and that’s not a good thing. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Any post which references Seinfeld’s Milos character, the beleaguered tennis shop owner, gets a thumbs up from me. [Rumors & Rants]
• Is Tony Kornheiser losing his mind? [Awful Announcing]
• Todd Helton’s t-shirt speaks the truth. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Check it out, the Washington “Natinals,” circa 2011. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Texas Rangers pitcher Derek Holland is a character, and he’s got a collection of goofy t-shirts to prove it. [Big League Stew]
• How a New Jersey high school hockey player scored the hottest viral video goal of 2011. [Puck Daddy]
• The Jeopardy pron parody rules, and it’s safe for work, so enjoy. [Warming Glow]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Variety Of Unsustainable Business Models Make Up Extremely Hip Neighborhood
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Ask any “traditional” stand-up comedian and they will tell you that prop comics are the lowest of the low in the hierarchy of comedic excellence and aptitude, barely a step above ventriloquism-based attempts at humor (I’m looking at you, Jeff Dunham, you miserable hack). And if you asked Toronto Raptors guard DeMar DeRozan about the inclusion of props in slam dunk competitions, he might agree with his comedian counterparts.
Despite an arsenal of creative dunks in his repertoire, DeRozan didn’t even make it to the final round of the slam dunk competition during NBA All-Star weekend, something he attributes to the fact that he believes the material – in this case, the dunks – should speak for themselves and not be bastardized by the inclusion of silly props and shameful product placements, an obvious dig at Blake Griffin’s dunk over a Kia (as an aside, a Kia? Really?), as well as other competitors utilizing extraneous items, such as an extra basket.
His rant against the trivialization of the dunk contest due to the overuse of props, courtesy of the Toronto Star:
“I’m a dunker. Dunk contests, you go out there and dunk. I’m not into all the props and everything,” DeRozan said at shootaround before Tuesday’s game against Charlotte. “I try to come out with a creative dunk and do it and go from there. My fans liked it and you can see the reaction from a lot of people afterward.
“If there’s a dunk contest next year I’ll do it. But not no prop dunk contest.
“I think a lot of people probably look at it like that. It seems that way when you watch it,” he said. “This year I put thought into it. I practised, had dunks ready and everything. It is what it is. I did it two years in a row. I’m good.”
“There’s no telling what might happen next year,” DeRozan said. “Somebody might use a trampoline.”
Touche, Mr. DeRozan. Who knows what sort of highfalutin forays into an ever-developing over-reliance on props will be seen at next year’s All-Star Game. A trampoline? Hogwash. At the same time, if anyone ever developed a dunk which somehow incorporated a Sledge-O-Matic into the dunk competition, well, I might have to tune in for that.
DeRozan done competing in ‘prop dunk contest’ [Toronto Star]
"Hey Dusty, have you ever seen 'Swingers'? Yeah, I was in that."
As manager of the Chicago Cubs for four seasons (2003-2006), Dusty Baker led the team to the NLCS in 2003 (BARTMAN!), a feat any Cubs fan would greet these days with requisite abject fanaticism. But it should be pointed out that falling short of World Series glory during his first season as manager served as the high point of the Baker regime, as the team’s regular season record was an underwhelming 234-252 from that point forward, and he resigned at the end of the 2006 season, ushering in the halcyon dayos of the Lou Piniella Era in Cubs baseball history. And what grand times those were.
Unfortunately, during the waning days of Baker’s managing career with the Cubs, not everyone in Chicagoland were in Baker’s corner. It became so bad, in fact, that one day, Baker entered the Cubs dugout at Wrigley Field and found a not-so-subtle message squeezed out into a stinky pile of human waste…right where he usually stood.
From FOX Sports (via Hardball Talk):
“At the very end, somebody took a dump right where I stood in the dugout every day,” Baker said Monday morning. “That was the low point. The grounds crew guy cleaned it up. He said, ‘Oh, I think it’s dog crap.’ I said, ‘No it ain’t. That’s human crap.’”
Ouch. Human crap. Dog crap, sure – don’t get me wrong, no one would ever say they appreciated a pile of dog poo left for them, but at least it would have been animal excrement. Human poop, on the other hand? That took planning. And probably some squatting.
Quade excited, but will romance last? [FOX Sports (via Hardball Talk)]
Given she is currently dating heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, it made perfect sense for the attractive young starlet to appear on a sports talk radio program as part of her rounds promoting her new Lifetime movie, Amanda Knox: Murder on Trail in Italy, which, since it is on Lifetime, is about One Woman’s Struggle dealing with what have you. Is Meredith Baxter in it? Can’t say. Haven’t seen it.
Anyhoo, the comely young actress made an appearance on WCNN in Atlanta. After Hayden fielded associated questions about the film, she was asked about her relationship with Klitschko, and it of course involved the considerable size differential between the two (hint: he’s a lot taller and stronger).
Your boyfriend is boxer Wladimir Klitschko? How did you two meet? You seem like the unlikely couple?
“Why because we’re so different in height? Is that it? He’s from the Ukraine. The sporting world and the industry they’re not that fair apart you know. It’s [sports world] definitely a different industry, but it’s the same lunchroom.”
See, I would have followed this question up with “What’s sex like with him? Do you just climb on top of him and then he he just spin you around like a top? Tell us more about that, with details.” Obviously, this is why I am not in sports talk radio despite the fact I have a face for it.
The discussion regarding their relationship continued:
So Wladimir Klitschko and you are both in show business or “show busy” in a way?
“Kind of in a way, but we had a friend who did a coffee table book and a beautiful coffee table book and the proceeds went to genocide. He did a picture in it and I did picture in it. They had a launch party for the book, so that’s how we met.”
The proceeds went to genocide? What the fungus? What brand of perverted fundraising is Miss Panettiere involved with? The horror! What kind of coffee table book is that? I can only imagine the kind of photos contained therein. Probably nothing like this one:
Perhaps that’s a bit of a stretch – it’s not like Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow has gone on record stating that he’s hitting the club scene and working his Christianity-based Lotharioism on luscious ladies, but during a wide-ranging interview with his hometown newspaper, The Florida Times-Union, Tebow did dish on his current relationship status, and guess what, gals? Let your hearts go aflutter, because while professionally, Tebow may belong to the Denver Broncos, as far as the ladies are concerned, he’s unattached!
You posted on Twitter recently that two girls were accompanying you on a Valentine’s Day date, then revealed they were your nieces. That was an interesting tease for your followers and TMZ. So here’s a chance for full disclosure. Are you a free agent on the dating scene, seeing one woman exclusively, or is this topic out of bounds?
No, it’s not out of bounds. I can say I’m single. It hasn’t happened yet for me. Who knows? We’ll see.
Well, it certainly is a good thing the girls Tebow posed with in the photo he uploaded to Twitter were not really his hot Valentine’s Day dates, for obvious reasons.
In any event, oh, a blessed day for all of you single ladies out there…blessed day, indeed! Although I wonder what he means by “it hasn’t happened yet for me.” I mean, the guy appears to have had plenty of sexy opportunities. What gives? He must be incredibly choosy or something.
Q&A with Tim Tebow: On his autobiography, competing to be a starter and his bachelor status [The Florida Times-Union]
Tom Izzo: legendary basketball coach, close “friend” of Steve Mariucci, accomplished dancer/singer/performer , Good Samaritan?
With his Michigan State Spartans basketball team preparing for a potentially NCAA Tournament make-it-or-break-it game against the Minnesota Golden Gophers Tuesday, MSU head coach Tom Izzo took time out of his busy schedule to come to the assistance of an exasperated Michiganite who was trying – with no luck – to free her car which was stuck in a snowbank at the end of her driveway.
At first, Izzo drove on by, already irritated by how the slow traffic due to the weather was already delaying his trip to Breslin Center Monday morning, reconsidered, his guilt getting the best of him, as he decided to go back and help the damsel in distress.
From The Detroit News (via The Dagger):
“I rode by and said, ‘God, I got to be a better human being,’ because I’m always on my guys about being a better teammate,” Izzo said. “So I backed up and asked her if she was stuck and she said, ‘Yeah.’”
Ultimately, the car was freed, but not without some humor. Izzo, accompanied by his passenger, former Spartans player Idong Ibok, eschewed the snowblower the lady was using and began shoveling snow out from behind the car’s tires. When he gave the lady the go ahead to give the car some gas, the engine revved, but nothing happened – the wheels were not even spinning…
“The car started racing and I’m looking down and the wheels aren’t moving,” he said. “She had it in park.”
Ha. Women drivers.
Tom Izzo knows snow: MSU coach helps free stuck motorist [The Detroit News (via The Dagger)]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Who woulda thunk it? Apparently, references to the Jonestown Massacre, where 900 cult members died in a mass suicide/murder in 1978 after drinking a cyanide-laced punch, is not amusing – nor appropriately edgy – fodder to trump up the finer aspects of the qualities of a restaurant in Indiana. Hacienda has pulled the ads, which read, “We’re like a cult with better Kool-Aid,” over a glass containing a mixed drink, as well as the phrase “To die for!” after several complaints. Mmm…Kool-Aid. Yummy. [Yahoo!]
• With the Carmelo Anthony deal finally done, expect a flurry of activity. [Rumors & Rants]
• Hey, another QB trick shot video! [Larry Brown Sports]
• If the Segway is too much work for you, there’s always the Solowheel. [With Leather]
• Kobe Bryant: the first person ever to associate Yoga with Jason Whitlock. [Tirico Suave]
• LenDale White had some choice words for his former coach at USC, Peter Carroll. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Simulated masturbation behind a live news report is good, but when a snowboarder does it, it’s radical. [Busted Coverage]
• Remember that YouTube kid who cried when he heard Michael Young was going to get traded? Yeah, he got to meet Michael Young. [Off the Bench]
• Did the NBA go headhunting on Justin Bieber? God, I hope so. [Bob's Blitz]
• Ass Cam proves that people enjoy staring at asses. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Girl In Park Acts Like It’s No Big Deal She’s Wearing Bikini
German brewer Erdinger has discovered a new way to market its non-alcoholic beer, because, let’s be honest: who drinks that stuff anyway? I mean, what’s the point? So, instead of having the non-alcoholic brew gathering dust on shelves, Erdinger has decided to market it as a sports drink with restorative powers. Brilliant!
Via an AP report in the Toronto Star:
The company describes its drink as an isotonic beverage with natural regenerative powers that help athletes recover from a workout. In other words, it’s carbohydrate-rich refreshment without the alcoholic buzz of beer or the jitters caused by some energy drinks.
Several top athletes from Europe quaffed the beverage from giant mugs on the podium at the World Cup biathlons held this month in northern Maine.
I’ll give Erdinger credit for originality, but I don’t see this product taking off anytime soon. If they really wanted a beer-flavored beverage to have success as a sports drink, they would leave the alcohol in it, because we all know we all believe we are better athletes when we’re half in the bag, amirite? It’s called liquid courage, people – prior to game time, some booze always calms the nerves and gives us that much needed boost of confidence. That is, until either your drunk ass trips over your own two feet, seriously injuring yourself, or you barf all over the place due to the risky combination of minor physical exertion and a stomach full of suds. But hey, that’s the price you have to be willing to pay if you want to be a big-time league bowler, kids. We all consider bowling a physically-demanding sport, right? Yes?
Athletes quaff no-alcohol beer as sport drink [Toronto Star]
Big ups to Wysh over at Puck Daddy for this fantastic clip of a recent clothes-shedding tirade of Greg Pankewicz, an assistant coach for the CHL Colorado Eagles. Obviously upset, Pankewicz has a complete meltdown on the bench and begins stripping to express his frustration over what he views as some unfair treatment of one of his players by a linesman.
Reporter-on-the-scene Adam Dunivan recounts how Pankewicz ended up partially nude and shoeless (via the Loveland Reporter-Herald):
The game will be remembered, on the short-term, as a regular-season victory, but will live on for Pankewicz’s reaction to linesman Chris Wilson tackling Joe Grimaldi after a scuffle broke out on the ice with four and a half minutes gone in the third.
While Dan Sullivan and Russell Smith were engaged in fisticuffs, Grimaldi keyed in on another Mississippi player, but before he could get to him was tackled hard to the ice by Wilson.
Pankewicz was irate, and methodically dismantled his three-piece suit and tossed the clothing to the ice. Shirtless, Pankewicz’s last tosses included his loafers. He did not want to comment on the situation after the game, but [Coach Chris] Stewart had plenty to say.
“I thought it was very heavy-handed on the part of the linesman to attack a player in that manner,” Stewart said. “I don’t think that’s acceptable; everyone has emotions running high, … but that isn’t right. That’s a league matter, but it certainly will be addressed.”
Awesome. Now if that isn’t a stellar example of the lengths a coach will go in order to fulfill the mantra of “Gotta Support The Team,” well, I don’t know what would be. The guy was half-naked, for Pete’s sake.
Eagles dominant in toppling Kings [Loveland Reporter-Herald (via Puck Daddy)]
Well, hello there. How are things? Quite well, I imagine.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a British model who has apparently replaced the untalented Megan Fox in the upcoming Transformers flick, Dark of the Moon, was on hand at the Daytona 500, serving as Grand Marshal of the race, along with her Transformers co-star Josh Duhamel and director Michael Bay.
Said Miss Huntington-Whiteley regarding the honor of kicking off The Great American Race (via The Florida Times-Union):
“I have no idea what to expect apart from things are going to be fast,” Huntington-Whiteley said. “That’s going to please me a lot. I’m looking forward to opening the race with Josh and Michael [Bay] and I’m looking forward to a fun day ahead.”
So, um, things going fast pleases her? I might be just the guy for her. It’s almost like she’s my soul mate or something.
Yep. That’s all I got. Oh, some 20-year-old kid won the race. While that must have been a thrill in and of itself, I wonder if he got to meet Rosie.
‘Transformers’ and country stars on center stage at Daytona 500 [The Florida Times-Union]
Wait. That’s not how the saying is supposed to go. Do you know what else isn’t supposed to go? In your leg, I mean? A nine-inch splinter…through your calf. Unfortunately, that’s the situation Malaysian cyclist Azizulhasni Awang found himself in during the men’s Keirin final at the Track World Cup in England. While racing in the Manchester velodrome, Awang took a nasty spill and in the process, peeled up a chunk of Siberian pine from the track which ended up plunging through his lower left leg. Unbelievable.
Even more unbelievable? Awang got back up on his bike, completed the freaking race with the splinter embedded in his leg and finished third. That’s some stick-to-it-iveness.
After Awang wiped out, his coach, John Beasley, helped him back up onto his bike, not noticing he had a stabby piece of wood embedded in the cyclist’s calf (via The Daily Mail):
‘I feel really bad because I didn’t even see it,” added the head coach, who believes adrenaline took Awang across the line.
‘It wasn’t until later I knew he had the splinter.’
Yeah, in the heat and urgency of the moment, I can totally see how one might not notice A GINORMOUS PIECE OF WOOD STICKING OUT OF A GUY’S LEG! Yowsers. To make matters worse, after performing a scan of the injury, doctor’s elected to wait a day to surgically remove the splinter, meaning the poor guy had to spend an entire night with that damn thing jutting out of his leg. Not good.
Grislier, up-close photos of the gnarly injury follows. Obviously, not for the squeamish.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Tastiest. Crime. Ever. Michael Allen Graham, 37, and John Edward Barry, 35, both of Milton, W.Va., have been charged with receiving stolen property after police discovered a carload of Slim Jims and beef jerky the cousins stole from various gas stations and auto parts stores. They told authorities they stole the tasty treats to finance and planned to sell them to finance a road trip to where one of their relatives was having car trouble. Some folk will never steal beef jerky, but then again, some folk’ll… [msnbc]
• Carey Price’s tribute to Jacques Plante mask he wore at the Heritage Classic is disturbing. [Puck Daddy]
• In light of Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian’s new unisex cologne, the gang at TBJ asked NBA All-Stars what they would name their scent. [The Basketball Jones]
• Andy Roddick hit the shot of the year during his match with Milos Raonic.[Larry Brown Sports]
• Video of a 195-foot shorthanded goal from college hockey. [Bob's Blitz]
• Bill Simmons and Chuck Klosterman are poised to take over the interwebs. [Awful Announcing]
• Basketball’s best beards, everyone. [Ballin' is a Habit]
• Hey, look: Mark Teixeira and A-Rod hugging it out! [Busted Coverage]
• Check out TAUNTR’s new feature: DART (Daily Animated Re-Tweets). [TAUNTR]
• Apparently, it’s extremely easy to get arrested in Wyoming: man busted for skiing uphill. [Off the Bench]
• Top ten slam dunks over a car. [Ted Williams Head]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Area Dad Just Wants Computer With The Basics
Giddy up! Welcome back, Jimmy Joe. We’ve missed you ’round these here parts like a raccoon misses old aluminum garbage cans. It’s Daytona 500 weekend, let ol’ Jimmy Joe get y’all primed and ready. Get to get!
Enjoy the race and have yourselves some might fine weekends, kiddos. Peace and hair grease.
[H/T Team Jimmy Joe]
