Archive for January, 2011
Clearly, this entire exhibition which occurred recently at a Washington Wizards game was a ruse. And if the whole bit wasn’t a sham, at least the final contestant, “Eddie” sure as hell was a shill. The first three dudes attempt a dunk off the trampoline, and the results were predictably terrible, uncoordinated demonstrations of non-dunking talent, but when “Eddie” lines up – after the emcee has to his attention because he was talking on his cell phone, proceeds to keep talking on his as he begins running – that’s when the jaw-dropping dunkability ensues – Eddie springs off the trampoline and miraculously pulls off a full flip straight into a one-handed jam.
I don’t know. I’m not buying what these guys are selling. Unless you believe out of four fans pulled out of the stands, three would be awful and one could do front flips. I guess stranger things have happened…like four fans showing up for a Wizards game.
[H/T D.C. Sports Bog]
At least that’s how I interpreted NCAA President Mark Emmert’s comments as he attempted to dissuade the common perception that the NCAA has more money than God, especially in light of the recent 14-year, $10.6 billion deal the NCAA recently signed with CBS and Turner Sports for broadcast rights to March Madness. But hey, I’m a literalist and when someone mentions “tsunami of cash,” I envision a situation much like the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami, only in this case, hundreds of thousands of college students perish due to the violent onslaught of crashing waves of cash descending upon them.
Via ESPN/AP:
And that’s a perception Emmert plans to change. The NCAA does not have a “tsunami of cash,” he said Friday, despite the organization’s new, 14-year, $10.6 billion deal with CBS and Turner Broadcasting for the men’s basketball tournament.
“There’s confusion about that because the numbers look big and people see a football stadium with 105,000 people in at Michigan or somewhere and do the math in their head and say, ‘Well, this is all about money,’” Emmert said Friday.
But au contraire, simpleminded ones. Emmert insists that 96% of the $700 million the NCAA will make this year off the new deal will be plugged right back into athletic departments and student athletes. And to all those wisenheimers who say the NCAA is obsessed with fat stacks of cash and not about improving the opportunities available to student athletes in non-revenue-generating sports, Emmert has one suggestion: buy football tickets. Lots of them.
“It’s like I used to say at the U of W or at LSU, ‘Look, if you like gymnastics, buy football tickets. If you like volleyball, buy football tickets. If you like crew, buy football tickets because that’s how we pay for those things,’” he said. “At the NCAA, it’s all about driving revenue around the basketball tournament.”
Okay. Fair enough, Mr. Emmert. So, if the NCAA doesn’t have a “tsunami of cash,” what kind of meteorological-inspired metaphor would work to explain how much money it does have? A hurricane of cash? A tropical storm of duckets? A flash flood of moolah? A typhoon of money? What one is it? Or is it, as Emmert maintains, simply a drizzle of dollars? Hard to say.
Mark Emmert aims to change perception [ESPN]
Whenever I participate in word association exercises – which I do quite frequently (it’s part of my court-ordered psychotherapy) – the phrase “ice hockey” comes up often (my therapist is Don Cherry, for some unknown reason – he’s not even a licensed psychoanalyst, for Pete’s sake! ).
Parenthetical pauses and hyphenated side thoughts aside, when the term “ice hockey” is mentioned during word association exercises, I always reply in the same fashion: 1) Ice; 2) Hockey. Then Cherry tells me I must be some kind of Eurotrash punk because I keep using words that are in the phrase and that’s not how good boys from Canada play word association. So, once I stop crying, my reply to what word the phrase “ice hockey” reminds me of, I invariably respond, “Clay Aiken.”
So you can imagine my excitement when I learned that none other than 2003 American Idol runner-up and Raliegh’s very own Clay Aiken will be singing the National Anthem before the 2011 NHL All-Star Game on Sunday at Carolina Hurricane’s RBC Center in his hometown.
Via USA Today:
“We all rally behind the home team,” says Aiken, a native of Raleigh, N.C., where the game will be held. Raleigh got the team, which had been the Hartford Whalers in 1997, and the team won the Stanley Cup in 2006. “I don’t think anybody in Raleigh knew much about hockey until the Hurricanes came to town, but now everybody has learned to love it.”
Sounds grand. And from what I can gather, this won’t be Aiken’s first rodeo, as I am deducing that he was singing the National Anthem in the above photo prior to a Carolina Hurricanes game. And what Aiken says is true about Hurricanes fans and the town of Raliegh at large: they love their hockey. So much so, in fact, that the city is so excited about the 2011 NHL All-Star Game being in Raleigh that it has spurned new growth and construction in the North Carolina town:
“We built a brand-new airport [terminal],” he says. “It specifically opened Sunday to be ready for the all-star game. They’ve put as much energy as they can into this event.”
A new terminal, you say? Wow, that is huge. Good for you, Raliegh-ians. And good for the fine city of Raliegh. Oh, and Clay Aiken. Don’t blow it, Clay, and let down that huge cross section that exists within the subset of fans who are NHL fans as well as Claymates! Oh, and in case you are wondering, The Canadian Tenors will perform the Canadian national anthem and 3 Doors Down will “perform” during the first period intermission. Killer, dude.
Clay Aiken to sing national anthem at NHL All-Star Game [USA Today]
I don’t know about any of you out there, but if my favorite team made it to the Super Bowl, I have to reason that the absolutely, positively last thing I would do to celebrate would most certainly be drinking my own urine. Sure, it’s sterile, but why? What does this bold and nasty action prove except this guy probably shouldn’t breed. Although as Barry points out over at Deadspin, we cannot be certain this is actually his own urine – this simply could be the case of a guy trying to attract a little attention to himself and generate some views on YouTube by pretending to drink his own pee. At the same time, I don’t know which scenario says less about this guy: actually drinking his own urine or seeking out attention by acting like he’s drinking his own urine. It’s a toss-up, really.
One question, though: since Mad Pee Drinker is wearing a Jordy Nelson jersey during his supposed imbibing on a Wee Wee Cocktail, could we reasonably surmise that the liquid that he’s drinking is “gritty”?
That’s gross.
[H/T Deadspin]
In what should be considered a devastating blow to next weekend’s NHL All-Star Game festivities (especially in Gary Bettman’s lovestruck mind), it has been announced that leading vote-getter Sidney Crosby will not be attending All-Star Weekend as he continue his recovery from concussion-related symptoms relating to hits to his head in successive games in early January. I guess it would probably be best to just shut it down and reschedule the weekend once Sidney gets back to one hundred percent, right?
As it stands now, it appears the NHL has made the brave choice to continue on without Crosby, despite the Pittsburgh Penguins making the heartbreaking announcement early Monday on the team’s official site (via AP):
“Sidney is making progress in his recovery but still is not completely symptom-free,” general manager Ray Shero said. “In this situation, when he has not even skated for two and a half weeks and still has not been cleared to resume physical activity we think it’s best for him to focus totally on his recovery.”
While there is little choice but to agree with the team’s course of action – it makes no sense for Crosby to participate in an exhibition if he can’t play in a regular game – how is the NHL supposed to continue on without their Messiah? I mean, what’s the point? Without Sidney Crosby, the NHL has virtually nobody else to showcase on their big weekend. There’s Sidney Crosby, then everyone else. Seriously, can you think of one player in the NHL that anybody cares about beyond St. Sidney? Alexander Ovechkin? Pshaw. That guy’s a damn commie. Eric Stahl Staal? Bush league. Nicklas Lidstrom? Who?
Nope, no point going forward without our beloved Sid the Kid. How Sidney goes, the NHL goes. I’d be surprised to learn that Gary Bettman takes a leak without asking for Crosby’s permission first.
Penguins’ Crosby to miss All-Star Game [AP]
Actually, he doesn’t, but sideline photographer Scott Kelby has a good time joking around about how his monopod was broken by Aaron Rodgers when the Green Bay Packers quarterback slid into him and his equipment on Rodgers’ 1-yard-touchdown run in the first quarter of Sunday’s NFC Championship Game. The scamper capped the Packers’ dominant opening drive of the game, but damage was done, and Kelby, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, amusingly recants the events of that play from his perspective on his blog.
Photos and an excerpt from Kelby’s narrative follow.
If you’re anything like me – a hopeless romantic obsessed with the love lives of half-wits – you have undoubtedly been transfixed by the budding relationship between reality TV star/jersey chaser Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets player Kris Humphries. And while Humphries has repeatedly refused to discuss his courtship of Kardashian, the starlet has been more than willing to address it any time she can, because, well, that’s how she rolls, I guess.
Anyway, Kardashian uploaded this photo on Saturday – clearly a school picture of Kris Humphries – with the following caption:
I want my son to look like this!
Dear Lord. If Kris Humphries has half a brain, he will figure out a way to get the hell out of this relationship. Dating her is one thing, but God forbid if he manages to knock Kim up. My guess is there is no way out of that brood once you impregnate one of those Kardashian girl succubi. Just ask Lamar Odom. I assume he has come to sad realization that he’s in it for the long haul now that Khloe is carrying his baby/demon seed.
Snickers: The LeBron James Of Candy Bars
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Ha. Very clever, Mars, Incorporated, very clever indeed.
And the more you think about it, a Snickers bar as a snack is a lot like LeBron James as a basketball player. For one thing, while both leave you feeling satisfied, a Snickers bar, much like LeBron, rarely accomplishes much of anything on its own. I mean, you’re still hungry afterward. Just not as hungry. Although it should be pointed out that eating a Snickers bar can cause you to stop behaving like a diva, something LeBron hasn’t figured out quite yet.
I know! I wouldn’t have believed it either, but this Putt Putt Golf aficionado displays some remarkable adaptability with this amazing shot out of a water hazard. Courtesy of the utilization of a fountain in said water hazard – which just so happens to be conveniently located directly underneath his ball – Putt Putt Idiot Savant Guy waits patiently until his ball has been propelled by the fountain to its apex before he takes a whack at it. Miraculously, the ball actually goes in the hole.
Who would have suspected that a miniature golf shot could be so amazing? Now, I have had my thrills and holed some nice putts on the incredible miniature golf courses of Wisconsin Dells in my time – Pirate’s Cove is one of my personal favorites – but nothing I have accomplished has come close to measuring up to this impressive shot.
[H/T Pro Golf Talk]
Or throw around a medicine ball, use one of those antique vibrating exercise belt thingers or whatever.
The legendary Jack LaLanne, who was in better shape in his 90s than I have ever been in my entire life, sadly passed away yesterday of respiratory failure related to a bout with pneumonia. He was 96.
Once humorously saying that he couldn’t “afford to die” because it would wreck his image, LaLanne transformed the world of physical fitness, taking it out of the gym and making it more accessible by inventing exercises people could do in their homes.
Testimonials are coming in from all over the globe, but given that Bob Barker had some very nice things to say about him, you know LaLanne was the real deal (via CBS Sports):
“He never lost enthusiasm for life and physical fitness,” Barker told the Associated Press on Sunday. “I saw him in about 2007 and he still looked remarkably good. He still looked like the same enthusiastic guy that he always was.”
Rest in peace, Mr. LaLanne. And thanks for making me feel like crap about my poor physical fitness all these years. The world will not be the same without him.
Fitness guru LaLanne dies at age 96 in home [CBS Sports]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Clay Butler, an entrepreneur from California, has begun selling a soft drink containing THC to medical marijuana dispensaries. Selling for between $10-15 per bottle, flavors include “Canna Cola, he will also produce Dr. Pepper-like DocWeed, lemon-lime Sour Diesel, grape-flavored Grape Ape and orange-flavored Orange Kush.” Tasty. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Epic Rex Ryan hissy fit animated gif. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Here’s video of Mark Sanchez wiping a booger on backup QB Mark Brunell. [Bob's Blitz]
• And if that’s not good enough for you, here’s Rashard Mendenhall humping Ben Roethlisberger. [It's Always Sunny In Detroit]
• Carson Palmer wants out of Cincinnati. [With Leather]
• Will Jay Cutler’s reputation ever recover from what transpired yesterday at Soldier Field? [Foul Balls]
• Frank Walker is recruiting females for his friend’s porno business via his Twitter account. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Will Tim Tebow be Denver’s starting quarterback in 2011? [Rumors & Rants]
• 100% pure adrenaline: night surfing looks as bad ass as it sounds. [Off the Bench]
• Ex-NBC employee Keith Olbermann is bitter. Shocking. This time, it’s about ESPN. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Terry Glenn looks happy in his DUI mug shot. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Video of a kids rec basketball league getting punchy. [Busted Coverage]
• Check out the newest video game, PED Hunter. It’s a lot like Duck Hunter, but cooler. [TAUNTR]
• British broadcasters doing their best Ron Franklin impression. [Awful Announcing]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Braylon Edwards Confident He Could Fly If He Tried Hard Enough
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Via the Duluth News Tribune:
Lily the famous black bear gave birth to two cubs today, according to a Facebook post by Sue Mansfield, a biologist at the Wildlife Research Institute and North American Bear Center in Ely.
One cub was born at 1:51 p.m. and the second was born at 3:03.
She wrote on the center’s blog that at 5:08 p.m. Thursday, Lily began clenching her teeth. That was what signaled the beginning of labor last year before she gave birth to her cub Hope while thousands watched on a web camera.
You can watch Lily, her 1-year-old cub Hope and the two newborns on live webcam here. It’s pretty neat, if you don’t mind remaining incredibly patient waiting for something to actually happen.
Hey, it’s not like there’s anything else to watch on TV this weekend, right? Wait…
Ely’s famous black bear Lily delivers twin cubs [Duluth News Tribune]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• This photo featuring a rather intense gal sitting behind Coach K is easily the image of the week. [Midwest Sports Fans]
• If the walls of Derek Jeter’s penthouse in Trump Tower could talk…they’d sound exactly like they were reading a Penthouse Forum letter. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Rudy Fernandez got his Benny Hill on. [The Basketball Jones]
• Notre Dame head football coach Brian Kelly is a Frank Zappa fan? What the? [EDSBS]
• Uh-oh: the Jets have stumbled upon a saboteur… [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• “Venus withdraws from Australian Open after finding nothing to wear.” Yeah, I could see that. [TAUNTR]
• Annie Duke is the new poker sheriff. [With Leather]
• Man sues the golf course where an alligator ate his arm. [Off the Bench]
• Oops: BBC reporter says the “C Word” live. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Jay Cutler Proves Naysayers Wrong By Defeating Shittiest Team Ever To Make Playoffs
Send tips, links submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
- “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”
Poor, poor NBA basketball players. When is anything ever going to go their way? Case in point: here’s Kobe Bryant, responding to a statement that NBA players – Carmelo Anthony, for example – are able to control their destiny as to where they are going to play.
Via Fanhouse:
How is he controlling his destiny?” Bryant said when asked whether Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony is able to control his destiny on where he might be dealt by the Feb. 24 trade deadline. “No, you’re seeing the power of the league controlling the players and not having the freedom to be able to move wherever they want. Free agency isn’t free agency anymore. It’s just not. It’s the reverse.
“It’s not the same. Free agency is not free agency. Players go other places, you take a significant pay cut to go play someplace else. You get less years and all sorts of stuff. It’s not the same as free agency like when Shaquille was a free agent. … That was true free agency. You could go to whatever team of your choice and have a similar contract and similar structure.”
Jeez Louise, I don’t how these NBA players do it, getting up every day, wearily shuffling out to their fleet of luxury automobiles and dragging their sorry, underappreciated butts to work every day. Of course, I’m oversimplifying the issues at hand. And granted, Kobe brings up some legitimate arguments (and continued to do so, which are further quoted in the Fanhouse column), but these athletes have to be careful in the way they frame their arguments and the context in which they bring them. Otherwise, they come across simply as whiners who don’t understand how good they got it.
With that in said, allow me to get back into sarcastic mode:
(channels Mr. Pink, rubs thumb and index finger together)
Do you know what this is? It’s the world’s smallest violin playing just for the NBA players.
Kobe Bryant: Players No Longer Control Their Own Destiny [Fanhouse]
"This is what I think of Christophe Aleveque...on opposite day!"
To most people, including myself, Zinedine Zidane is best known as that French soccer player guy who headbutted that other soccer player guy during the 2006 FIFA World Cup Finals against Italy (don’t act like you’re not impressed by my international soccer acumen). Now, perhaps he will be known also as a whiny little jagoff with no sense of humor who goes after comedians for cracking jokes about him in magazines interviews.
Via SI:
Lawyer Alberto Brusso said he was suing comedian Christophe Aleveque and the magazine Sportmag over harsh words he used to describe Zidane in an interview published last month.
In the interview, Aleveque attacks Zidane for acting as official ambassador to Qatar’s candidacy for the World Cup in 2022, which the tiny oil-rich state won over a slew of other nations including the United States.
“Mister Zinedine Zidane considers that these remarks are harmful to his honour, his dignity, his integrity, his reputation as a man and a public person as well as that of his family,” lawyer Alberto Brusa said in a statement.
Jeez, wouldn’t it have been a lot easier just to go and heckle this guy at one of his comedy shows? Do lawyers always have to get involved? But what did this sharp-tongued comedian say about him that so wrongly disparaged Zidane’s so-called glowing reputation (via Dirty Tackle)?
“To me it is a form of prostitution. This guy is a whore! Write it! I swear, what he does, it is always based on his navel. It’s disgusting. I hope that the 11 million he took, he gave it to an association, if it is a scandal. This is not his first mistake, he made more. Ambassador of Danone…let him die in yogurt!” he exclaims.
Let him die in yogurt? Well, that certainly changes things. That’s certainly worthy of a lawsuit. I’ll tell you this, comedians like this Christophe Aleveque fellow are just the worst, Jerry. The worst. He’s no Gallagher, that’s for darn sure.
France’s Zidane sues comedian for magazine insult [SI]
Zidane now suing people who insult him instead of headbutting them [Dirty Tackle]
