Archive for January, 2011
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Former NFL player Kyle Turley intimated that Dan Marino like to puff on some wacky tobacky before games. Far out, man. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A student in Tacoma, Washington was sent home from school for wearing a Steelers jersey on Seahawks Day. [The Slanch Report]
• Jose Canseco is slated to appear on Celebrity Apprentice. [With Leather]
• Holy cornea-burning red high school football field, Batman! [Off the Bench]
• Awesome: Michael Vick retweeted a tweet by The700Level after they asked him to do it for “us blogging in our parents basements.” [The700Level]
• A McDonald’s employee was fired for letting Adrian Peterson use the restroom after closing. [Shutdown Corner]
• I have to agree: talking photos of Roger Goodell are funny/creepy. Seriously, check this video out. [PSAMP]
• Sweet Fancy Moses, Robinson Cano! Cut off those sideburns! [Big League Stew]
• The end is nigh: portly “comic” actor Kevin James to play a teacher moonlighting as an MMA fighter in some god-awful movie. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Here is something resembling a Sleestak doing a New England Patriots rap. [Bob's Blitz]
• Boris Diaw travels in style: on a Segway. [The Basketball Jones]
• “76 sportswriters perish in stampede to make same Cam Newton joke” [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Unsupervised 4-Year-Old Goes On Four-Bowl Boo-Berry Binge
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
I’m pretty sure we can all agree that Rick Reilly has quickly evolved from a gifted, well-respected sportswriter into a sanctimonious blowhard, the timing of which oddly coincided with the ginormous contract he signed with ESPN. With that said, we needn’t comment further on Reilly’s douchebaggery. We can move on to someone who has had just about enough of Reilly, especially in light of his recent column, “Jay Cutler is no teddy bear,” where, not surprisingly given the title, Reilly goes after Cutler, accusing the Chicago Bears quarterback of being a despised individual in NFL circles, writing, “If he’s not the Most Hated Man in the NFL, he’s in the running.”
Well, Bob LeGere, a columnist who has covered the Chicago Bears for 17 years for the Chicago area newspaper, the Daily Herald, has had all he can stands and he can’t stands no more with Reilly, and he absolutely lets loose on the ESPN “Personality” in a column entitled, “Who’s the jerk?”
An excerpt from the magically delicious Haterade follows.
Save me
The heavens have opened
The storm is over
So let’s start the parade…
Raindrops will turn to laughter
Forever after in your technicolor heartbeat
And they say that it helps you forget everything…
Sweet charity
You drink your poison from a cup of gold
Your gift keeps on giving and giving… — Mr. Bungle, “Sweet Charity”
So true, Mike Patton. So…true. But instead of “cup of gold,” Rich Rodriguez would have probably went with “cup of maize,” but no matter. Those words nevertheless probably ring true right now to recently ousted Michigan Wolverines head coach Rich Rodriguez. And instead of wallowing in his own misery, kicking himself for what I’m sure he sees as a raw deal, RichRod elected to turn lemons into lemonade by donating a bunch of Michigan Wolverines gear to a Detroit area Salvation Army. Via USA Today:
Maj. John Aren tells the Detroit Free Press that Rodriguez delivered 432 items to the store in Wayne, about 15 miles west-southwest of Detroit, less than one week after his ouster.
Aren said the collection includes caps, shirts and jackets. Sizes range from medium to 2XL, though most are extra large.
A Coach’s Closet tent sale is planned noon to 2 p.m. Saturday with prices starting at $6. Some items may be auctioned.
Now that’s a pretty classy move by Rodriguez. Had that been me, I wouldn’t have taken it as well and I have a pretty good idea how I would have put those now useless items to good use: a whole mess of butt-wipe and snot-rags.
Rodriguez donates U-M garb to Salvation Army store [USA Today]
The Seattle Five Member #1: And then I, uh, ever hear of “The Seattle Five”?
Unimpressed Woman: Mmm…
The Seattle Five Member #1: That was me…and four other unoriginal dorks.
No. Words. And you thought the Rickroll was resting peacefully in the Played Out Internet Meme Retirement Home, along comes the Rick Carlisle-Roll, as inRick Carlisle, the Dallas Mavericks head coach. And you know what? He has never looked more, um, Astley-like. And according to Trey Kirby over at The Basketball Jones, this video, entitled “MAVS DANCER WARDROBE MALFUNCTION,” is actually played at American Airlines Arena during Mavericks games. Brilliant.
[H/T The Basketball Jones]
“HEY THIS IS JI”
“JIM THOME”
Happy days in the Twin Cities as it has been announced that the Minnesota Twins have finally re-signed designated hitter Jim Thome.
Via Hardball Talk:
According to Kelly Thesier of MLB.com he’ll get $3 million in guaranteed money, plus incentives based on playing time, which means the Twins got Thome at a bargain rate for the second straight offseason after he hit .283 with 25 homers and a 1.039 OPS in 340 plate appearances last year while earning around $2 million.
As a Twins fan, allowing my blatant homerism to once again creep into the Sportress, allow me to add this makes me very happy. I’m sure you all are relieved to learn that. But Thome at 40 still makes pitchers pee their pants when he approaches the plate. Well, maybe not literally. I don’t know, maybe some pitchers do – bladder control problems are no joking matter, though. Yeah they are.
* for an explanation of the WordUpThome reference – and if you do require one, shame on you – please check out The Dugout
Twins re-sign Jim Thome to one-year, $3 million contract [Hardball Talk]
Alright, alright, injured Boston Celtics center Kendrick Perkins made nary a mention of Cheez Doodles during his appearance on 98.5 the “Sports Hub” in Boston with Toucher and Rich, but even if SAS’s obsession with Cheez Doodles is an oldie, it doesn’t mean it’s not a goodie.
SAS recently emerged from his Cheez Doodled Bunker and reported that the retired Rasheed Wallace might be interested in coming back and rejoining the Celtics once the trade deadline passes. Here’s Perkins response when asked about the report (via Sports Radio Interviews):
Stephen A. Smith came out the other day and said “It’s part of the plan that Rasheed Wallace is going to come back to this team.” What do you know about this Rasheed Wallace plan?
“Well to be honest I think Stephen A. Smith just wants a little attention because I haven’t heard anything about that. I talked to Rasheed and not once has he mentioned about coming back. I think Rasheed is more of a family man now. He’s doing a lot of things with his son, his wife, his little girl and the children that he has. I asked him about it and he never mentioned it to me or any other guy, so it was kind of a surprise to us too.”
Yeah, I could see that – SAS seems like the kind of guy who has a desperate need for people to LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH!
At the same time, Smith was spot on about LeBron going to the Miami Heat, so perhaps we should pay attention to him. But not too much.
Kendrick Perkins On Rasheed Wallace Returning To Celts “To Be Honest I Think Stephen A. Smith Just Wants A Little Attention.” [Sports Radio Interviews]
This series is brought to you by T.G.I Fridays®, where every weekend means Food, Fun & Playoff Football! Hut, Hut, Hut!
To be honest, I’m not sure prodigious is the right word to use in this situation, but I’m running with it for purely alliterative purposes, so there.
Anyway, if this weekend’s slate of games can even come close to the excitement generated by last weekend’s Wild Card Weekend, we’re in for a real treat – and quite possibly, a few hoots and a couple of hollers. Even the 2011 Miss America contestants are caught up in the excitement! And as The Onion put it in their own subversively sublime (more alliteration for ya) way, the “NFL Season Seems To Be Building To Some Sort Of Climax.” Indeed it is, The Onion, indeed it is, so let us move forward and take a gander at what’s in store for us this coming weekend, focusing on the divisional matchups in the AFC.
Jeez, animals have been inextricably woven into NFL playoff games like no other time in recent memory. Now we can add prognosticating black bears to the odd mix of humiliated pets and one psychotic ferret, because Bubba and Smoky, two bears at the Stone Zoo in Stoneham, Massachusetts were coerced by zookeepers to “try their paws” (as the Boston Herald put it) at picking the outcome of this weekend’s game between the New England Patriots and New York Jets. I’m not trying to imply any shenanigans here, but not surprisingly, given the location of said zoo, the Bears picked the Patriots to win the game.
Zookeepers placed two boxes – one labeled “Patriots,” the other “Jets” – of bear chow, peppers and straw in Bubba and Smoky’s enclosure and lo and behold, the Patriots box was selected. But I wouldn’t take the bears’ playoff picks as gospel and go running to your friendly neighborhood bookie just yet: the bears only got one game right last week. Further, in another matchup this weekend, they also picked the Seahawks to beat, oddly, the Bears. Weird, wild stuff.
Da bears pick a winner: Da Pats! [Boston Herald]
(NSFW) Worst. Tennis. Streaker. Ever.
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Yeah, between holding his junk and the epic fail at the end, this foray into the streaking community certainly did not go as planned for this dolt.
Video follows, but be aware: it contains male nudity. Awkward male nudity. But, as was once postulated in “The Apology” episode of Seinfeld, there is no such thing as “good naked” as far as men are concerned: “The male body is utilitarian, it’s for gettin’ around, like a jeep.”
Anyhoo, once again: NSFW.
Brilliant! Although I cannot say for certain that there has been a Star Wars-themed cover of the New York Post about a New York Jets-New England Patriots game before this one, but even if there had been, this one would most certainly top it.
Joe Namath as Yoda is my personal favorite, but no Boba Fett? What the fungus? And they should have had Vince Wilfork depicted as Jabba the Hutt. That would have been sweet.
It’s funny because the New England Patriots running back’s last name is Woodhead and Joe Theismann said “Woodcock” instead during a panel discussion on NFL Network. What’s most entertaining is the response it elicits from his fellow panelists, especially Deion Sanders, who apparently has quite the fondness for this kind of immature, irreverent humor, which leads me to believe that he would really enjoy reading the Sportress.
Personally, I haven’t found a verbal gaffe containing a “Woodcock” reference this amusing since my 3rd grade talent show when I performed a variety of tongue twisters for my classmates and their parents, one of which unfortunately came out as follows:
“How much wood would a woodcock cock
if a woodcock could cock wood?
A woodcock would cock all the wood he could
if a woodcock could cock wood!”
My parents were horrified. But to be honest, that was typical. I was a unique child.
[H/T Awful Announcing]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• There really isn’t much to add to this Wake N’ Blog weird story item. Just go check out the picture of Laura Bell’s ” lintsterpiece,” created out of lint from her dryer. It’s mind-boggling. [msnbc]
• It looks like Tim Tebow’s spot in Denver might be bit more secure: new coach John Fox has been a huge fan of his since the draft. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The $45 million contract the Yankees gave to Rafael Soriano to be a setup man is completely insane. [Rumors & Rants]
• Todd Hewitt, the longtime equipment manager for the St. Louis Rams who was recently let go by the team, has come out and said that head coach Steve Spagnuolo is a total control freak. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• In light of the recent events in Arizona, a Tennessee gun shop’s charity event, “Shoot Coach Lane’s Bobble-Head Day,” could be considered in poor taste. [Off the Bench]
• Sidney Crosby’s game-worn Winter Classic jersey is up for auction. [Mondesi's House]
• Wes Welker’s trash talking is subtle. And obviously gritty, of course. [Ted Williams Head]
• This old NBA commercial featuring John Goodman as Fred Flinstone is really something. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Need an auto-tuned reason to vote for Knicks players for the All-Star Game? Here you go. [The Basketball Jones]
• You just have to take a moment to read ‘Toine the Baller: A Children’s Story about Antoine Walker. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Dad’s Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter’s Friends
The lovely and talented Miss Erin Andrews may not set the internets ablaze like she once did – a development I am sure she is more than pleased about – but her recent photo shoot for Reebok is sure to get the ‘tubes going once again.
Miss Andrews is the newest spokesperson for Reebok’s ZigTec line of footwear and apparel and as you can plainly see, she’s a perfect fit.
Below is a statement issued by Andrews regarding her newest endorsement gig (via Game On!):
“I’m very excited to be the first female to become part of Reebok’s ZigTech campaign, joining superstars like Peyton Manning, Sidney Crosby, John Wall, Chad Ochocinco, and many more,” said Andrews in a statement. “I have been athletic all my life, and I’m thrilled to be working out in the same footwear and apparel that helps these athletes perform at the top of their game.”
Photo gallery follows.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• In case you need one, here’s another reason to hate college football. [With Leather]
• Another NHL superhero was revealed: The Shark. Guess which team he represents. [Off the Bench]
• The Indiana IU Official Music Video is interesting. [Bob's Blitz]
• It’s only mid-January, and BC already has a front-runner for Ass Shot of the Year. It looks like 2011 is going to be asstastic. [Busted Coverage]
• Uh-oh: it looks like the Jets/Patriots trash talking war has escalated. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Could Cam Newton be on the Washington Redskins’ radar? [Rumors & Rants]
• Get your own Lakers championship ring. Sure, it’s a replica, but it will only cost you $8.99 on eBay! [The Basketball Jones]
• Which NFL announcing booths yap the most? The least? [Shutdown Corner]
• Awesome: Favre’s sister hasn’t ruled out return to meth addiction [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Jackie Chan’s Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
