Archive for December, 2010
And to think, we never even saw it coming (/that's what he said)
The reigning #1 golfer in the world, Lee Westwood, recently sat down for a Christmas tree-side chat (you really should click through to see the photo) with Neil Squires of the Sunday Express. Among the topics discussed: whether golf is boring, what it’s like playing with Tiger Woods and and most amusingly, what ranks as his favorite Christmas song. And that’s when things got delightfully cheeky:
“It has to be Wham’s Last Christmas. I think I had my first snog to that at the school Christmas disco.”
Ha. Wham! – that’s rich. And for those of you inexperienced in British slang, “snog” of course means to make out. I suppose there are worse songs out there to make out to for the first time. Like the one that was playing the first time I “snogged,” for instance. I’d rather not get into it, but let’s just say that “Touch Me I’m Sick” by Mudhoney isn’t a real good mood-setter.
Note: my first instinct was to try to incorporate a “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” reference into the “first snogging” bit, but I thought that was a tad inappropriate for a joke about making out, so Mudhoney it was and I left it at that. Maybe it’s better this way, we’d hurt each other with the things we want to say anyway. There’s my requisite additional Wham! reference. Whee!
Lee Westwood ‘snogged’ to a Wham Christmas song [Devil Ball Golf]
Speaking publicly for the first time since the “This-Little-Piggy-Went-’Wee!-Wee!-Wee!’-All-The-Way-Home-Gate” story broke, Jets owner Woody Johnson spoke glowingly of Rex Ryan, making it abundantly clear that he stands firmly behind his beleaguered coach, even if it is eventually confirmed that he and wife enjoy dabbling in the the kinky stuff from time to time.
Via NJ.com:
“I have a lot of respect for Rex and his family,” Johnson said, “and my respect has not diminished one iota.”
Iota? That’s one of those tiny bones in the foot, right?
Jets owner Woody Johnson affirms respect for Rex Ryan, says no decision on Sal Alosi yet [NJ.com]
(image credit)
Referring to the unbelievable efforts which left Qualcomm Stadium in remarkably impressive condition after crews pumped out an estimated million and a half gallons of water as “an amazing accomplishment,” Poinsettia Bowl executive director Bruce Binkowski has reported that everything is back on schedule for a 5:06 p.m. kickoff for the game between San Diego State University and Navy in the previously waterlogged arena after getting deluged by the recent monsoon-like rainfall which has affected the region.
Via the San Diego Union Tribune:
“The field looks beautiful,” Binkowski said at about 7:45 a.m. Thursday. “All the water if off. They’ve actually started to paint the sponsor logo at midfield. That tells you how things are progressing. They’re painting the field markings now. All the water is out. It’s a miracle.”
He added, “The field may be a little damp and slushy during the game because it’s so absorbent down there…. As we said yesterday, we’re going to play football tonight. The sun’s out. Not a cloud in the sky. You may see some guys slipping and sliding tonight, but considering the alternative, I think it’s an amazing accomplishment.”
Indeed. So Binkowski refers to the stadium conditions as “beautiful,” “damp” and “slushy” and the headline writer at the San Diego Union Tribune throws in “green” for good measure. Certainly not a listing of words when taken together are typically used to describe something as being in a favorable state. Although I do have an incredibly rare issue of Swamp Thing where the title character uses those very same words to explain how his hot date with Swamp Skank went while he’s pounding brewskis with his bog buddies. Or maybe that was just a dream I had. Huh. To tell you the truth, I’m so loaded up on cold medicine right now I wouldn’t know Swamp Thing from Adam right now.
Qualcomm playing field “green, beautiful, slushy” [San Diego Union Tribune]
Obviously, it would be foolish knowing what we know now, for any mere mortal to try to keep up with Tiger Woods as it relates to his Herculean sexual exploits, so only a fool would attempt to embark on that kind of mission, but if you happen to be a reasonably skilled golfer and would like to be a part of Tiger’s foursome in a pro-am, now’s your chance.
That’s right, you – yes, you – could play alongside Tiger Woods at a pro-am tournament which precedes the Dubai Desert Classic in February. All you need is a “valid handicap” and to register at www.golfindubai.org and you might find yourself getting whisked away to the sinfully posh United Arab Emirates locale to play golf with Tiger Woods in the dead of winter.
And standing by to provide the unintentionally humorous quote regarding the contest was Mohamed Juma Buamaim, vice chairman and CEO of the company Golf in Dubai (via Yahoo!/AP):
“The very intention behind having this online draw is to encourage amateurs to be part of the fun.
“Playing alongside Tiger is a dream of every player. I am sure the lucky one, male or female, will learn quite a few things about the game just (by) watching him play, up close and personal.”
Ha. Especially if the lucky one turns out to be a female who is single and ready to mingle. Ah, who am I kidding? Relationship status won’t matter, but looks might. On second thought, considering some of the dreadfully skanky harlots Tiger was allegedly nailing, looks might not matter much, either.
Lucky winner will play with Tiger in Dubai [Yahoo!/AP]
/stands up on own two feet
//applauds
I’ll tell you this: whoever came up with this idea at the Tribune just got their foot in the door and could be in line for a big promotion!
[H/T Shutdown Corner]
Although separated since last July, TMZ is reporting that Landon Donovan has made the split official by filing for divorce from actress Bianca Kajlich. I don’t know about this move by Donovan, man. Talk about out-kicking your coverage. Wait, does that phrase work in soccer parlance? Yeah, I think it might.
Via FOX Sports:
The Los Angeles Galaxy player, who has played on loan for English Premier League team Everton, is seeking spousal support from the “Rules of Engagement” star and also wants her to pay his attorney’s fees, according to court documents obtained by the celebrity news website.
Wow, a spousal support and attorney fees claim? So, let me get this straight: co-starring on an awful CBS sitcom pays better than being the most recognizable and successful American-born soccer player? If that doesn’t speak volumes about the unfortunate state of soccer in the U.S., I don’t know what does.
Report: Donovan filing for divorce [FOX Sports]
It’s funny because it’s a screengrab from HBO 24/7 Pens/Caps: Road to the NHL Winter Classic of Capitals winger Alexander Semin receiving treatment and his last name of Semin sounds an awful lot like “semen” and if you go along with the wordplay long enough and pair it with the image above, one could speculate that whether he was trying to get Semin or semen all over his hands, they’re placed in the correct location. Granted, some manual manipulation would be necessary in both cases, but I don’t have to explain everything to you people, do I? Alexander Ovehckin receiving treatment and it’s a funny play on words since Ovie’s teammate is named Semin, which sounds an awful lot like “semen,” it’s a clever play on words, although not as funny nor clever as it would have been if that had been Alexander Semin on the table but I was too caught up in the humor of it all to take any time to actually look at the photo because it is totally obvious that it’s Ovie, not Semin. Also, I’m a huge dumbass.
Ayhoo, the esteemed Greg Wyshynski of Puck Daddy is the man responsible for bringing this inappropriate comedy goldmine to my attention and he would like you folks to come up with your best caption for the awkwardness. Simply tweet the best caption you can come up with and add the hashtag #HBO247. Have fun. Just try not to be a ginormous idiot like me. God.
Say what? Why would the “Official Miami Heat Private Christmas Bash” take place in West Hollywood and not South Beach? Granted, the Heat will be in La La Land for their Christmas day matchup against the Lakers, but looking at the Heat’s schedule, there were two off days on Tuesday and Wednesday after a home game on Monday. Why couldn’t the “official party” have been in Miami on one of those evenings? Granted, it wouldn’t have been a Friday night in West Hollywood, but I imagine South Beach is still a hip and happening place on a weeknight. I mean, how are Heat fans supposed to feel about this exclusive, private party being held on the West Coast? That’s gotta sting a bit.
I’m sorry to say it, Heat fans, but you have been summarily shunned by King James. And let’s not forget about Tank, whoever that is. I guess this Tank fellow doesn’t give a rip about his fans in Florida. Or probably Flo Rida, either, for that matter. But hey, I’m not trying to instigate some East Coast-West Coast feud between Flo Rida and Tank, given that I must be a total square because I have never heard a song by either of them, so I’ll just excuse myself from any further speculation on that particular topic.
I suppose it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone that LeBron has no loyalty whatsoever to any city, municipality or township, even as far as “Official Private Christmas Bash” hosting duties are concerned.
Still, I cannot help but be worried about the hurt feelings of what surely are a whole bunch of dejected Heat fans. Sure, they wouldn’t have had a snowball’s chance in Hell of even sniffing this party had it been in Miami, but still.
But if you happen to be one of the beautiful people who somehow manage to get into the festivities, be sure to dress “Hollywood Upscale.” Once again, call me a square, but I have no idea what that means, either. But ooh! There will be free giveaways – I know what those are! – and from what I can gather, there might be chicks there open and willing to service bottles. Or something. Once again, Squaresville, population me.
Just remember, dear readers, you heard it here first, off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s Morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and fruitcake recipes to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• The Dalu Robot in Jinan, China is apparently the first restaurant to feature droids as servers. Robots which resemble Star Wars droids circle the eatery carrying trays of food. Many of the customers enjoyed the concept, including Li Xiaomei, 35: “They have a better service attitude than humans. Humans can be temperamental or impatient, but they don’t feel tired, they just keep working and moving round and round the restaurant all night.” Sure, this is all well and good, but if this catches on, the droids will steal all the jobs from aspiring actors and actresses, then those poor souls will have to resort to porn, and we don’t want that, do we? Well, maybe we do a little bit, but still. [Yahoo!/AP]
• The Rex and Michelle Ryan foot fetish video fiasco reveals just how much media coverage is changing. [Larry Brown Sports]
• And finally, “Rex Ryan’s Personal Matter.” [TAUNTR]
• Speaking of which, the Rex Ryan “Toes Before Hoes” t-shirt is brilliant. [Busted Coverage]
• Holy crap, Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego is ‘flooded to the first row.” [Shutdown Corner]
• Remember that stripper who wrongfully accused the Duke lacrosse team of wrongdoing? Yeah, she served time for child abuse. [With Leather]
• 76ers coach Doug Collins came up with a unique excuse for why the team lost to the Bulls by 45 points: Christmas shopping. [Off the Bench]
• We all know the first QB who will be taken in the NFL draft (Andrew Luck), but who will be the second one? [Rumors & Rants]
• Epic fail: the Wizards’ Andray Blatche attempted dunk/layup/whatever the hell he was trying to do. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Beanie shilling for Blimpie? That makes perfect sense! [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Browns Caught Trying To Sneak Girl Into Huddle
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Holy moly, this guy performed the Herculean task of assembling a buttload of Jumbotron intro videos of college basketball teams. Enjoy. [Ballin' is a Habit]
• Lookee here, LOLNFL Week No. 15. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• A savory gingerbread homage to Sandy Koufax’s perfect game in 1965. [The Slanch Report]
• Coming soon to a theater near you: The Madden Curse. F**k the heck? [With Leather]
• Guy who got arrested for throwing a Christmas tree at his wife gets his mugshot taken in a Colts shirt. [Busted Coverage]
• Merry Christmas from the Chicago Bulls. [The Basketball Jones]
• Alright, these videos of professional athletes singing Christmas songs is getting way out of hand. Here’s the Steelers. [Shutdown Corner]
• The Washington Redskins Midnight Masquerade Ball looked interesting. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Holy moly, this is one fat Boston sports fan. [Bob's Blitz]
• Paris Hilton is all set to whore up motorcycle racing as she buys a team. [Deuce of Davenport]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Governor Of Alabama Injured Imitating Pro Wrestling
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
There was funky Billy Volsky and little Sammy Nikonov
He said here comes the Prime Minister, let’s get it on
We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip now we’re into a brand knew trip
Vladimir Putin was kung-fu fighting
That cat was fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But he did it with expert timing
(image credit)
[H/T Carl Douglas]
As you may well know, when Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany revealed the new logo for the updated Big Ten Conference, it was met with much derision and gnashing of teeth. Now an upstart website is putting its money where its mouth is and is inviting all those who believe they could create a better logo to go ahead and offer it up.
The site, BigTenLogo.com (not affiliated with the Big Ten, but as astutely pointed out by my pal Michael Rand, the fact that they spell the Commissioner’s name wrong would have been a good clue), has opened up a little competition to see if any Joe Schmo with MSPaint and some spare time can create a vastly improved and inventive logo than the one which presumably cost the conference hundreds of thousands of dollars, as well as the cause of several intense roundtable discussions and a multitude of focus groupst.
The purpose of this site is for you to submit your ideal logo design and share it with the community. We will allow voting and the top vote-getter by January 30th will be passed to conference commissioner Jim Delany for his review and will win the full sponsorship pot. Please note that you will be fully credited with any creation so please make sure that you provide all of your details (name, email, etc.). Submit your ideas, have fun, and spread the word. Through all of this we can get something really great for the Big Ten.
Pretty good deal, right? Show the Big Ten what’s what about logo designing and earn a little scratch on the side. And you never know, maybe as Delany contemplates giving new names to the Legends & Leaders divisions, he’ll catch wind of this little contest and before you know it, you’re the genius behind a brand spanking new logo! No, it probably won’t ever happen, but you can dream, right?
[H/T RandBall]
Brilliant. Absolutely, positively, certifiably brilliant.
It was only a matter of time before someone realized that ESPN college football analyst Lou Holtz is practically an animated character in the first palce, so why not take the next logical step and plunk him in the middle of a cartoon? And so it is has occurred: Coach Lou will guest star on the Disney Channel’s Special Agent Oso program on its January 7th episode. Special Agent Oso stars Sean Astin as Oso, who along with Holtz, also shares a unique connection with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, portraying Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger in Rudy.
Via ESPN Media Zone:
In the episode titled “Dr. Throw,” Special Agent Oso helps a little boy named Rudy learn how to throw a football in time for his Uncle Lou’s (voiced by Holtz) visit.
Unfortunately, the videos in the release are not embeddable, so you will have to go here to see them in their animated glory. But I am sure you will agree simply by looking at the above picture that the animators did a wonderful job of capturing Coach Holtz. I suppose you could say the animated version is a “spitting” image of the genuine article.
With ESPN owned by Disney, this is an example of some simply stupendous cross promotion. I only wonder, given the multitude of options due to the bevy of colorful personalities currently employed by ESPN, who Disney might have their eyes on next.
Lou Holtz Guest Stars on Disney Channel’s Special Agent Oso [ESPN Media Zone]
Jesus Christ, Rounballstar?
Ron Artest truly is the quintessential gift that keeps on giving. While defending Kobe Bryant getting ejected last night in the Lakers’ 98-79 loss to the Bucks, Artest insisted that throughout history, the only baller never to get ejected from a game was J.C.
From Fanhouse (via The Basketball Jones):
“It happened in the past, it happened in the present, it happened in the future,” Artest said. “Not just for him. All players (get ejected). That happens a lot of times. You see guys get ejected. Rip Hamilton got ejected (recently) in Detroit. Bob Cousy got ejected … The only person who never got ejected was Jesus.”
Artest was asked if he had checked Jesus’ box scores.
“No ejections,” Artest said. “He was 10 for 10s, a lot of 20 for 20s (in shooting). Perfect from the free-throw line. Infinity rebounding stats.”
Artest was on a roll after the game. He even cracked, “I’m giving out some good quotes today, aren’t I?”
Interesting. But no mention of whether or not when you get Jesus on the court if he’s trouble, as in if he could just go out and f**k around and get a triple double? Too bad.
And while I cannot comment on the veracity of Artest’s claims regarding Jesus Christ’s even-keeled approach to basketball – where does one find Jesus’ box scores in the first place? The Book of Numbers?* – I can certainly agree with Artest when he states he was giving out some good quotes, as he always does.
* yes, I am aware that the Book of Numbers was a book in the Old Testament so there is no way that there would be any mention of Jesus in said Biblical texts. Work with me, people.
Kobe Bryant Ejected as Lakers Lose Focus, Fall to Bucks [Fanhouse (via The Basketball Jones)]
Over the past couple of days, folks on the interwebs – myself included – have had a delightful little time amusing ourselves with the video of Eli Manning being forced to wait to do his postgame press conference after the Eagles debacle because the assembled media were taking a long time to assemble. Many took this as a slight to Eli, but ESPN New York writer Ohm Youngmisuk (best name ever) has had all he can stands and he can’t stands no more of all the mocking and ridiculing of Eli as well as the perceived sloth, laziness and insensitivity of his media counterparts. Youngmiusk wrote a column to clear the air about exactly what occurred that Sunday afternoon.
