Archive for December, 2010
We’ve already covered Rex Ryan’s questionable tactic of burying a game ball from the Jets-Patriots game to exorcise his team’s demons and to build team unity, now we have news that the Miami Dolphins are completely altering their travel schedule for their trip to the Big Apple to take on the Jets so the entire team can get into town early to catch Lombardi on Broadway, which interestingly is a play about legendary Packers coach Vince Lombardi, not Johnny Lombardi – which I believe would have made for a much more compelling theater experience , but hey I’m not hotshot musical theater bigwig, so what do I know?
The field trip was planned by team owner Stephen Ross, who is orchestrating the little outing in an “attempt to inspire his team,” but one could argue that changing a regimented routine that players have become accustomed to could possibly backfire. Via The Miami Herald:
It isn’t often when an owner decides to toy with the routine of a team in the middle of a season — but Ross apparently has decided this experience will be worth the effort. Miami will practice at the Giants’ training facility Friday afternoon before the show.
Just don’t pin this decision on the team’s latest struggles. Ross began putting plans into motion for this to happen in early November, more than a month ago, a source said. Ross made the decision and coach Tony Sparano obliged to make it work.
Sparano said Wednesday this would be “no different” than any of the other times Miami has hit the road one day early, although all of those few instances have occurred when the team had to travel to play a West Coast team.
Unfortunately, this has all the makings of being completely different than any of the other times Miami has hit the road early. This time, the Dolphins are more like a bunch of high school students from upstate New York spending their first night in the Big City. Further, I question the choice of Lombardi as the show Ross selected for the team outing. I mean, it makes sense to certain extent given the football theme, but with the bevy of alternatives for shows they could have seen instead, Lombardi seems a bit shortsighted. Obviously, Ross didn’t see the preview of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark on Conan:
"Think what you want, Teddy, mine is bigger."
The Yankee Clipper? More like The Yankee Zipper, amirite? No good? How about, boy, “Joltin’ Joe” sure is an apt moniker for a guy with a huge crank. No good, either? Fine, forget it.
We touched upon this in Wake N’ Blog this morning, but Pete Rose’s comments to Mike Missanelli on 97.5 The Fanatic in Philadelphia just have to be a permanent part of the Sportress’ archives.
Apparently, Pete Rose took a goodwill trip to Vietnam in 1967 to support the troops. During that trip, Rose got himself an eyeful of DiMaggio’s reportedly considerable girth.
“In 1967, I get a call from the state department and a guy identifies himself and he says, ‘Would you like to go to Vietnam?’ I said, ‘Not necessarily. In ’67?’ He said, ‘Well, Joe DiMaggio’s going.’ So five of us went over to Vietnam and we went to Saigon and met up on the Intrepid in Tonkin Bay. And we were there for 23 days. Now we’re down in the middle of the jungle, it’s hot, it’s so hot you can’t sleep, there’s a war going on, you can see the helicopter and every fourth bullet is a tracer. We’re up on a hill and there’s a valley and the other hill is where the war’s going on. And Joe says, ‘Man, I’ve gotta take a shower.’ I said, ‘Joe, we’re out in the middle of the jungle, what do you mean you’ve got to take a shower?’ He said, ‘I don’t give a damn, I’m Joe D and I’ve gotta take a shower.’ And the only way you can take a shower, Mike, is they have these big bamboo bags, like, and somebody’s got to get on a chair and pour the water and pull a rawhide thing and the water comes through and the guy takes a shower. So I saw everything that Marilyn Monroe saw. Now, when I tell people the best way to describe Joe DiMaggio, he was a penis with a man hanging from it. … Does that give you a better perspective?”
Wowee Zowee. Now that’s a story. It reminds of a tattoo one of old man’s friend has: it’s a rooster hanging by a noose which is located on his calf. Why? So he can tell people he has a cock hanging below his knees. Good stuff.
Pete Rose Has A Fantastic, and NSFW Way To Describe Joe DiMaggio’s Manhood [Sports Radio Interviews]
Sigh.
In one of the more moronic gambits ever attempted by an NFL coach in order to symbolically “bury” the scarring memories of an unfortunate incident from the recent past, Jets coach Rex Ryan performed a makeshift memorial of a game ball from the Jets’ 45-3 thrashing at the hands of the New England Patriots on Monday Night. Instead of having the team meeting inside the auditorium, as is the usual routine for team on Wednesday, Ryan led his shell-shocked squad outside to the practice field and gathered them around a hole in the ground. Ryan then placed the game ball in the hole and performed last rites for the inanimate object. Dirt and sod were placed upon the “deceased” pigskin and apparently the team could move on after such a brutal performance. Brilliant.
"Big Ben Like Big Breathe Rights"
According to Ben Roethlisberger, the surgeon in charge of repairing his busted up nose informed him that the bones in his nose were so messed up they resembled Corn Flakes.
Via the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:
“It was just my nose,” Roethlisberger said. “[The surgeon] said he got in there and he said the nose bones looked like cornflakes. I was like, oh, that’s good. The plates and everything in my face were fine, so that’s good.”
Ewww, that’s nasty. But Corn Flakes? Are we talking Kellogg’s or some offshoot, substandard brand, like Post Toasties? Now that, my friend, would be nasty. Nope, it’s Kellogg’s all the way. You see, I go O.G. with my breakfast cereals. No Malt-o-Meal bullcrap, either. Screw Marshmallow Mateys and Cinnamon Toasters, good sir. It’s all about the Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch for this hombre. Man, I’m hungry.
My hankering for cold cereal goodness aside, poor, poor Big Ben. The guy gets his nose totally wrecked and the damn surgeon compares the damage to Corn Flakes? If I were to guess, it would of boosted Big Ben’s spirits if the surgeon would have at least compared the extent of his injuries to a melted, smooshed Choco Taco.
On the Steelers: Lemieux says Roethlisberger looks ‘like a hockey player’ [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and Santa Claus fanfic to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Kennesaw State University in Georgia has class…with ass. How cool would it be to show up for a business class and have your professor perform a little strip tease? Talk about supply and demand! Wait, that makes no sense. Here’s the Yahoo! report: Campus police say a part-time instructor took his clothes off while teaching a class at the suburban Atlanta college late last month. Police arrested 57-year-old Raymond Devaughn Taylor of Kennesaw on Monday and charged him with public indecency after a student reported what happened to university officials.” Oh man, it was a dude? And an old, wrinkly one at that? Gross. What a complete and utter letdown. [Yahoo!]
• I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but a certain mascot who got arrested last weekend tops OTB’s Mascot Power Rankings. [Off the Bench]
• The wheels are coming off! Colts radio man rips Peyton Manning off-air. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Yeah, you could say the Red Sox’s outfield is a pretty expensive one now that Carl Crawford signed a ginormous contract with the team. [Rumors & Rants]
• Too much information: Pete Rose says that Joe DiMaggio had a big penis. [Ted Williams Head]
• Tim Tebow is a coach killer! [With Leather]
• Solid: some awesome LeBron/Wade photoshops. [TAUNTR]
• The Swedes apparently do not appreciate Sean Avery’s All-Star write-in campaign. [Puck Daddy]
• Fancy: Gilbert Arenas was rocking Dolce & Gabbana shoes in Los Angeles. [The Basketball Jones]
• There was a Randy from A Christmas Story sighting at Foxboro the other night. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• It’s always “A Party In The U.S.A.” for Willis McGahee.” [Outside the Boxscore]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Area Man Has Sex With Beautiful Girl Just To Be Cool
Get it? As in Charlie the Tuna, the mascot for StarKist? Funny, right? Okay, maybe not right now, but later you’ll be chuckling at it or using it as a pickup line one a lady at the bar. Actually, if I could offer you one piece of advice: don’t make tuna jokes around ladies you don’t know. Actually, don’t ever make a tuna crack around any woman. It’s a taste issue.
Anyway, above is a photo of one proud angler: Californian Mike Livingston, who caught this whopping 405.2 pound tuna last Tuesday off the Baja coast during a fishing trip in Mexico. His catch shattered the previous record of 388 pounds, 12 ounces, and that record has stood since 1977.
Livingston is an accomplished angler in his own right, but never has he dreamed he would ever catch a behemoth like the ginormous bastard above (via The Mail):
Mr Livingston’s previous big catch was a 100-pound yellow-fin, and although he hoped to catch a fish over 200-pounds, he never thought in his wildest dreams he would make a catch so huge.
‘I listened to the crew and took instructions. Someone asked me if it felt like two and a half hours, and I said it really didn’t it felt like 45 minutes really.
‘I just leaned back in that harness and took what the fish gave me. I didn’t even break out into a sweat. I didn’t have to put the reel into second gear until the last 45 minutes of the fight’.
Mr Livingston’s tuna is not only the biggest ever landed by an angler, but it also is the largest ever caught without any back-up reels or assistance from the crew.
Amazing. But here’s the question: can you imagine how many tuna cans it would take to properly store this bad boy? I’d be in tuna fish sandwich heaven, I’ll tell you that much.
Man catches 405-pound tuna shattering 33-year-old world record [The Mail]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Pray for it all you want, America, Ron Artest is not going to President. [The Basketball Jones]
• Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher is going to get hitched, possibly Scientology-style, on Saturday… [Bob's Blitz]
• …and this blogger is going to crash the nuptials! [Walkoff Walk]
• Who knew that not only did the British play hockey, but they have epic brawls during games as well? [Puck Daddy]
• Here are some awesome minimalist logos for college bowl games. [TAUNTR]
• This week in chicks who bang athletes… [With Leather]
• So, what’s the real reason Urban Meyer stepped down? Health issues, family or the Broncos vacant coaching seat? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Be sure you are keeping up to date on the Kirk Herbstreit Making Oregon Cheerleaders Smile Photobomb investigation. [Busted Coverage]
• Noted sports journalism curmudgeon Frank Deford thinks baseball players should shake hands. Also, rock music is too noisy these days.
• Is Tony Dungy going to portray Spock’s creepy uncle in the next Star Trek movie? Well, he should. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. Come on, everybody’s doing it. It will make you feel good.
"Try beaming things into my brain all you want, aliens. I have a tin foil helmet on under this helmet."
It would surprise me greatly if most of you haven’t already heard about the, um, interesting comments Luke Scott made yesterday during MLB’s Winter Meetings regarding our Commander-in-Chief, but just in case, here they are:
“Obama … hmm … Obama does not represent America. Nor does he represent anything what our forefathers stood for … He was not born here. That’s my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go — within 10 minutes — to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, “See? Look! Here it is.”
So, yeah. Anyhoo, it didn’t take long for the Baltimore Orioles organization to issue a statement whose sole purpose is to express that they do not want to get involved in a Political Flame War, unlike Luke Scott, the kind of guy that it wouldn’t come as a shock if it were discovered that his home address is a one-bedroom shack somewhere in the Maryland wilderness.
The statement (via Hardball Talk):
“Luke Scott’s comments do not reflect the opinion of the Baltimore Orioles organization. The fact is that Barack Obama is our President, duly elected by the people of the United States. End of story.”
Okey dokey. I guess I know where the Orioles stand now. The only thing that would have made that statement clearer is if the Orioles had asked Lee Greenwood to deliver it.
The Orioles issue a statement about Luke Scott being a wacko birther [Hardball Talk]
To quote Spencer Hall and his thoughts regarding LSUfreek’s take on Urban Meyer’s resignation as head coach of the Florida Gators courtesy of his perfectly executed homage to M*A*S*H :
Flawless.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Tebow as the chopper pilot was a brilliant touch. Hey, we’ve missed you around these here internets, LSUfreek. Please come back and dazzle us with your animated GIF wizardry once again.
LSUFREEK ON URBAN MEYER [Every Day Should Be Saturday]
Radar Online is reporting that Nick Janette, the husband of washed-up porn star and alleged Tiger Woods hoochie mama Devon James, has told the site that orders for the supposed sex tape featuring his wife and the world’s horniest golfer were never shipped due to ongoing settlement negotiations between Woods’ camp and James, which he insists have now reached a mutually-satisfying resolution.
“Our settlement is done so we’re not releasing a tape,” Nick told RadarOnline.com. He claimed that the couple would have the settlement money by the end of the week.
Right. Radar Online has more juicy details, but the essential point is this: James, whose own mother once referred to her daughter as a pathological liar, cannot be trusted, which is kind of shocking, you know, because used-up porn stars are usually as reliable as an STD home testing kit. I guess what I’m getting at is if you ever made the mistake of nailing Devon James, she probably gave you crabs, the Herp or something worse, no matter what she or the Chlamydia test kit you bought online from Adam & Eve is telling you. Because she’s a liar. And a skank. And the Chlamydia Catcher testing kit, if there were such a thing, would probably be endorsed by Devon James. Yep, there’s a whole lot going on in these last few sentences. Try and keep up.
EXCLUSIVE: Porn Star Claims Tiger Woods Paid Her Off, Pulls Sex Tape Off Market [Radar Online]
Why yes, performing such a dangerous act is a completely sane thing to do. Why do you ask? Oh, because you value your life? I see.
What he lacks in common sense, 24-year-old daredevil Mike Wilson more than makes up for in the ballsy, completely insane way he goes about doing his radical stunts.
Wilson has created a site to showcase his bats**t craziness, ShreddyTimes.com, and his latest trick is an absolute sight to behold: narrowly navigating his way through an outcropping of rocks high above Lake Tahoe, Wilson swings out a ways, lets go of the rope and calmly orchestrates a quadruple backflip before plunging into the crystal blue water. I’m telling you, that’s the gnarliest thing I’ve seen done above the waters of Lake Tahoe since Al Neri shot Fredo. Speaking of which, I hope Wilson does a few “Hail Marys” himself before attempting some of these borderline psychopathic stunts he performs.
Wilson’s motivation for performing such death-defying feats of looniness? He doesn’t want to end up like his decrepit 92-year-old grandfather. In fact, he’d apparently rather have birds picking his brain matter off the rocks he barely avoids during his rope jump than be like Grandpa.
Via Game On!:
“I have a 92-year-old grandfather who is deaf and can’t speak and is basically trapped in his own body. I’m way more comfortable with the thought of dying at 24 or 25 doing something rad, than being trapped in my own body, because that seems like hell to me.”
I’m sure it does seem like hell to a guy like Wilson. Not me. I’d rather be sitting there at 92 complaining about all the young whippersnappers and their crazy shenanigans, consarnit. As it is often said, youth is wasted on the young. Except for Wilson, of course, this guy is all about rippin’ style, holmes and we’re lucky he’s out there, risking his life for our amusement.
Action sports video: Mike Wilson’s Lake Tahoe rope swing [Game On!]
You have to head over to The Arizona Republic’s site for the absolutely fascinating and inspiring story of Jeff Lewis of Mesa, Arizona. Lewis, a quadruple amputee, after efforts to work with other golf manufacturers, found a willing partner when Ping built a custom set of golf clubs built for him.
A primer:
“I contacted several of the major golf manufacturers,” Lewis said. “They all told me they couldn’t help me. I contacted Ping and they said, ‘Can you be here tomorrow at noon?’ “
Not that the project required a rocket scientist, but Wood, who attended University of St. Andrews in Scotland, does hold a doctorate in solar-particle physics.
He challenged his engineers and summer interns to come up with a solution for Lewis.
“We had some real outside-the-box thinking,” Wood mused. “One of our engineers asked if we could attach a metal piece to his bone. Jeff’s wife said, ‘Do you have any idea how painful bone surgery is?’ “
Lewis said the first brainstorming session lasted more than three hours.
Krista Schnell, a mechanical-engineering student who is finishing up her undergraduate work this year at Stanford, came up with a workable prototype that would allow Lewis to lock different clubs into a prosthetic arm.
Ping produced a set of five clubs – driver, fairway wood, 7 iron, wedge and putter – that Schnell’s device could lock into his right prosthetic arm, which had a longer stump and thus more stability.
Incredible. Perhaps the best thing to come out of this story is that Ping’s work with Lewis inspired them to incorporate what they learned designing Lewis’ clubs into their already existing work they have been doing with veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan as part of Ping’s involvement with the Wounded Warriors Project. Great stuff.
Ping makes custom set of golf clubs for quadruple amputee [The Arizona Republic]
Alexander Ovechkin, he of the usual shaggy, Neanderthal look will now be a well-groomed prehistoric man given the announcement he has signed an endorsement deal with men’s grooming products super-company, Gillette.
Gillette is clearly excited about the partnership with Ovie, and they see Ovie’s transformation from Cro-Magnon man into a civilized, refined individual much in the same way Tarzan was viewed by his British captors in Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel. Via D.C. Sports Bog:
“If you see Alex in some of his recent commercials, he’s had kind of a clean-shaven look,” Gillette spokesman Mike Norton told me. “With Gillette, we really want guys to look their best. And some guys like to be fully clean-shaven, some guys like goatees or well-trimmed beards. It’s all about helping guys to look their best.”
As a man and a frequent user of Gillette’s many products, I have to agree: we really do want to look our best. Not that it takes much for me to look good, but I’m sure you all suspected that without me bragging about my rugged good looks and sculpted physique.
The above promotional photo is also courtesy of Dan Steinberg over at D.C. Sports Bog, and as you can plainly see, Ovie appears to be as comfortable with a razor in his hand as he is with a stick…or when he uses his hands to grope a bevy of buxom Russian babes. Which, when you think about it, is pretty impressive, given his previous experience with shaving and grooming consisted of hacking away extraneous body hair with a sharpened jawbone of a sabre-toothed tiger. You know, before he fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of our scientists.
Ovechkin will be well-groomed for Gillette [D.C. Sports Bog]
Saying the burglary of a majority of his trophies and other assorted memorabilia from a public storage facility in West Los Angeles three weeks ago was like “having the history of my tennis life taken away,” Pete Sampras is now attempting to get the word out regarding the brazen theft in hopes that he will be able to recover some of the stolen items. Sampras is especially downtrodden regarding the thievery as he hoped to one day show the trophies and associated items to his children.
Among the other items stolen from the storage facility unrelated to Sampras’ tennis career was one unopened ear, nose and eyebrow trimmer, but really, that item should have been at his home, and being used frequently.
Via Sign On San Diego:
The Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday that Sampras still has 13 of his 14 grand slam trophies.
But thieves took most of the hardware from his 64 tour title wins, two Davis Cups, an Olympic ring and six trophies for finishing world No. 1 in the year-end rankings from 1993 to 1998.
Well, I hope Sampras is able to recoup some of the stolen goods. I can’t imagine there is much of a market for tennis trophies, especially hot ones, but who knows? Maybe there is some weirdo who would pay top dollar for a trophy he didn’t win. In any event, Sampras can take solace that he his legacy remains in tact, not to mention that he has his health, his two wonderful kids and a marriage to the lovely Bridgette Wilson, who you may recall from her role in Billy Madison, is one piece of ace. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
Most of Pete Sampras’ tennis trophies stolen [Sign On San Diego]
Um, yeah. An interesting interview with the flamboyant (you have to use the word “flamboyant” at least once when writing about Johnny Weir – it’s the rules) Johnny Weir in the Detroit Free Press points out that despite the Winter Olympics lull the world is currently in, the figure skater has had no problem staying in the spotlight. With his appearance as a celebrity judge on Skating with the Stars, his reality show, Be Good Johnny Weir and a new book set for release in January, Weir not only draws attention, but seems to relish in it, as evidenced by the provocative cover of Welcome To My World, pictured above.
And regarding those pesky rumors I referenced, obviously about his sexuality? Well, you will have to read the book, as it has been reported by numerous outlets that Weir will finally address the “Is he or isn’t he?” rumors once and for all, but the book’s tone will apparently be more “anecdotal than autobiographical,” but according to its description, fans will finally “have the opportunity to get to know who Johnny Weir really is, inside and out.” Uh-huh.
