Archive for November, 2010
One could make the argument that references to The Big Lebowski were kind of played out on the internets about, say, 5 years ago, but I have to give credit where credit is due for the above lead-in/headline which is currently prominently featured on ESPN.com’s front page.The gist of the reference to one of The Dude’s most eloquent soliloquies (as pointed out by my Twin Citian compadre, Michael Rand on RandBall):
This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder’s head. Luckily I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regimen to keep my mind limber.
So there you have it. A much-deserved kudos goes out to the guys and gals who write the headlines for ESPN.com. I guess what they say is true: even the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days, I guess. And who am I to judge the timeliness of a reference anyway? I’m the woodhead who insists on busting out Seinfeld references at every possible opportunity while making allusions to the soothing sounds of Boz Scaggs, for Christ’s sake. Just keep that last part on the Lowdown, of course.
Nice Big Lebowski reference splashed across the ESPN.com home page [RandBall]
"Look at me! I am deadly serious! I am literally pissing intensity as I stand before you!"
Well, well, well. If Cowboys players thought they were going to lollygag and half-as their way through the balance of the season on the way to the 2-14 record, they better think again: they are going to practice hard on the way to that 2-14 record.
That’s right: the Cowboys showed up for practice this morning with Jason Garrett fully installed at the helm and they likely learned something very quickly about their new interim head coach: No More Mr. Nice Guy. Reports didn’t indicate whether or not Garrett dressed up like Alice Cooper to strike fear in the hearts of the players, but he did put them through a grueling practice: IN FULL PADS EVEN! That’s just like training camp, people.
Via ESPN Dallas:
Not only were the Cowboys in full pads, but players jogged to team stretching exercises during the 20 minutes the media was allowed to watch practice on Wednesday.
“Everybody moving, everybody moving,” Garrett yelled out to the players under a clear, sunny day.
As the special teams drills were going on, Garrett barked out to several players.
Man, this guy ain’t messing around. While I cannot confirm this, I do have it on good word that several Cowboys players took the full pads policy a step further and inserted maxi pads into their jocks, lest they inadvertently shart themselves as the shook in fear in presence of their no-nonsense leader after the casual, freewheeling approach of their previous coach. You know what? With Garrett leading them, the Cowboys might even be able to eke out three victories this season. How ’bout ‘dem Cowboys!!
Jason Garrett takes over Cowboys [ESPN Dallas]
This is Mason. He is one cute kid. And he clearly knows his Milwaukee Bucks basketball. So much so that he can name every player on the roster by simply looking at a sheet with the players’ photos on it. Impressive stuff, indeed. And it’s a good thing Mason wasn’t born 15 years earlier and had the same love for the Bucks. If he had, Mason would have suffered the ultimate indignity of realizing that Robert Traylor was once on the Bucks’ roster, and I’m sorry, that would have bordered on child abuse.
[H/T Ball Don't Lie]
Even worse? The Linc was named the most vegetarian-friendly stadium by that terrorist organization, PETA. Horrible. How could this happen in the Holy Land of Cheesesteaks? Go to hell, PETA. Keep your neo-fascist opinions out of my National Football League!
Apparently – and sadly – the Linc’s designation as vegetarian-enabling is warranted. From uwishunu (via The700Level):
The title is well-deserved as “The Linc” offers a variety of vegetarian options, including veggie burgers, mock chicken sandwiches and veggie cheesesteaks all “coming off the grill faster than DeSean Jackson in the open field”, as PETA accurately and eloquently states in their ranking.
Shameful. This cannot stand, citizens of Philadelphia. I mean, veggie cheesesteaks? Puh-leeze. How can any self-respecting, animal flesh-eating Philadelphian stand idly by and allow this to happen? I’m surprised that whenever some dolt orders one of these crimes against meat from a Lincoln Financial Field concession stand they aren’t beaten to near-death with it. And what the heck is a mock chicken sandwich? I got something for you to mock right here!
(points at disgusting tofu burger, which I am holding directly in front of my crotch)
Yeah, that’s right. I went out of my way to purchase a tofu burger just so I could it use it as a prop in my “Mock Chicken” bit. Prop comedy is the future of internet humor, folks. You don’t have to see the routine to enjoy it.
PETA Names the Eagles’ Lincoln Financial Field the Most Vegetarian-Friendly Stadium in the NFL [uwishunu (via The700Level)]
A few weeks ago, the Sportress had a delightful little heartwarming tale about one Marlon Dorsey, the head coach of the Murrah High boys basketball team, regarding allegations that he whipped players with a weightlifting belt when they screwed up in practice. I cannot stress enough how stories like this one really make you appreciate and value the lessons which are imparted on our nation’s youth by those individuals we entrust to coach and educate them. And when they get out of line, dish out a little corporal punishment. Good times.
Anyhoo, a six-second cell phone video has surfaced confirming that at least on one occasion, Coach Dorsey busted out the whippin’ stick (a belt in this particular instance) to give some kid who probably missed a layup some good old fashioned learnin’ courtesy of some frighteningly violent lashes with weightlifting belt. As you can see above, he really is laying into the kid, like an old man taking out his frustrations on his talking goat with the trusty hickory stick.
Now, Dorsey might get what’s coming to him, as lawsuits have been filed on behalf of three basketball players who claim they were physically and emotionally abused by Dorsey. All the juicy details follow.
Remember the infamous Grady Sizemore Coffee Cup Dong photo, among others, which were somehow leaked and disseminated on the interwebs almost one year ago? Of course you do, because that’s how you roll. Well, a woman in Minnesota has been arrested and charged with hacking into Brittany Binger’s various online accounts, including her e-mail, to illegally procure the photos. Binger was the Indians outfielder’s girlfriend at the time (as well as Playboy’s Playmate of the Month for June 2007 – rawr).
Well, apparently nothing is private anymore, as nineteen-year-old Leah M. Ayers, of Minnesota, has been charged with two counts of unauthorized computer access, a gross misdemeanor.
Nor can anyone in their right mind blame the New Orleans Hornets point guard for the epiphany he arrived at while eating dinner with his mother and father last night regarding their use of an exercise implement which causes one to appear like they are working on perfecting their masturbatory (or handjob) techniques.
Paul tweeted the following message Tuesday evening regarding his own personal nightmare scenario, which included a dinner table demonstration courtesy of his old man of the incredibly awkward “You jackin’ it?” Shake Weight routine (via You Been Blinded):
I’m at dinner wit the fam and my mama is talkin about her “Shake Weight” and my dad demonstrated…#TMI #Uncomfortable#NotTryinToHearThat
Yeesh. Not good. I find it impossible to believe that at this point there are people still out there who are unfamiliar with the Shake Weight masturbatory machine, but if you are one of those fortunate souls, prepare to be dumbfounded and confused. And probably pretty repulsed.
Holy ginormous balls, Batman! And here you thought the day would never come when you would click on a story about giant insect testicles. Scratch that item off your bucket list.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the gonads of the bushcricket. The testes of the tuberous bushcricket (Platycleis affinis) amount to a exoskeleton-breaking 13.8 percent of his total body mass, the equivalent of a human male lugging around a set of nuts weighing 22 pounds! Imagine the wheelbarrow sales.
“We couldn’t believe the size of these organs. They seemed to fill the entire abdomen,” said Karim Vahed, a behavioural ecologist at Britain’s University of Derby.
But if you think the presence of monstrous balls makes the bushcricket a promiscuous lady-cricket-killer, think again.
“Traditionally it has been pretty safe to assume that when females are promiscuous, males use monstrously-sized testicles to deliver huge amounts of sperm to swamp the competition,” said researcher James Gilbert of Cambridge University.
“Our study shows that we have to rethink this assumption. It looks as though the testes may be that big simply to allow males to mate repeatedly without their sperm reserves being exhausted.”
Unbelievable. This astounding scientific discovery, to put it bluntly, is completely nuts. And you can stuff that fact and lug it around in a sack, Jack.
Gonad greatness: bushcricket has record testicles [Yahoo!/AFP]
Good Gracious: Gargantuan Goon Gets Goal
Posted by:Miracles do happen! After an inconceivable 4 years, 10 months, 2 days without one, New York Rangers enforcer Derek Boogard finally scored a goal in last night’s game against the Washington Capitals, ending the longest goal drought by any active player in the NHL, a jaw-dropping 234 games. Boogaard last scored a goal on January 4, 2006 against the Anaheim Ducks when he was still with the Minnesota Wild. The miraculous offensive output by the Boogeyman arrived three minutes fifteen seconds into the second period on a 2-0 break. Boogaard fired a slapshot from the left circle to beat Michal Neuvirth, who now is probably drawing a considerable amount of grief from his teammates for giving up a goal to a player known much more for his brutal pugilistic and ruffian-related skills (565 penalty minutes) than his scoring prowess (3 goals in 268 career games).
Unfortunately, the Rangers couldn’t ride Boogaard’s sporadic scoring touch to a win, giving up three unanswered goals to the Capitals and losing 5-3. Said Boogaard (via Yahoo!):
“Hopefully, I don’t get on a streak like that again,” he said.
Indeed, Boogeyman. Indeed. But now that he has ended his scoring drought, he can go back to what he does best: beating other players skulls in with ferocious, savage precision:
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Although he wasn’t technically trapped in the closet, but close enough. A couple in Corvallis, Oregon awoke Monday night to find 21-year-old Nicholas Buekea naked in their closet. Police report that Buekea “snuck out of a friend’s basement apartment, climbed around a locked door to access a staircase and made his way to a third-floor apartment.” When discovered the naked man ran away after a brief struggle and was found later on Monday by a group of people, where police gave him a pair of shorts to put on before checking him into the hospital. LSD is bad, mmmkay? [Yahoo!/AP]
• The Miami Heat now have as many losses as the Indiana Pacers. [Rumors & Rants]
• How in the holy hell did Derek Jeter win a Gold Glove? [Big League Stew]
• It needs to be said: Tom Brady and the Patriots offense are struggling due to the absence of Randy Moss. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Hey, where does all that NFL fine money go? TWW delves into the intriguing subject. [TheWitWit]
• TSR gets its podcasting career off to a great start with special guest, chart-topping rapper Spose. [The Sporting Rave]
• With Matthew Stafford’s season likely over, hopefully he is being consoled by this bikini beauty. [Busted Coverage]
• This is NOT how you run out the clock in a football game. [Out of Bounds]
• Celebrating the end of our long national nightmare: Joe Morgan is no longer at ESPN! [TAUNTR]
• Florida man files for a restraining order against Obama, Jesus and of course, Tim Tebow. [The Last Angry Fan]
• What should we expect out of Versus’ new show, NHL Overtime? [Puck Daddy]
• Allen Iverson got his name chanted at a soccer game in Turkey. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Drinking a bottle of the world’s most expensive beer won’t get you drunk? What gives? Oh, it’s for charity? Alright. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Denver Nuggets Announce Plans To Move To New York For Carmelo Anthony
Via KARE-11:
Chris and Sue Blake and their 17-year-old daughter Olivia didn’t set out to bag a deer on the first day of hunting season. Unfortunately the deer found them.
“I remember another car in the other lane coming toward me and literally that’s all I remember,” said Chris Monday night from his bed at Hennepin County Medical Center.
The Blakes, from New Ulm, were headed out for Pizza Saturday evening on Hwy. 68 in Blue Earth County, when an oncoming Ford Taurus struck a deer directly in front of them. The small buck went airborne and flew onto the hood of the Blake’s Pontiac Vibe.
“It came right through the windshield and actually t-boned me in the face,” said Chris.
But the buck didn’t stop there. It glanced off sue in the passenger seat, scratching her face and bruising her shoulder, then smacked Olivia in the face as she sat behind her mom in the back seat. Still the deer had enough momentum to go through the back window and out of the car.
“In my 20 years with the patrol I think this is the first time that I’ve had a deer come through the windshield, go all the way through the car and then out the back,” said the investigating officer, Trooper Mark Fahning of the Minnesota State Patrol.
You see? This is exactly why we hunt these dangerous beasts. They are a menace, people. Clearly, this deer had a death wish and wanted to take some humans out in the process. I blame the internet. And video games.
New Ulm family battered as deer flies in and out of car [KARE-11]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• What’s the deal with Matthew Stafford’s weak-ass shoulder? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Yay! LOLNFL for Week 9! [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Joe Morgan is skeptical of the clear, empirical evidence that he has been fired. [TAUNTR]
• The oddest Jaromir Jagr tribute ever recorded. [Puck Daddy]
• If any Aussies are planning on heckling Tiger while he’s Down Under, they better make it worth it. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Mascot Power Rankings, Week 5, suckers. [Out of Bounds]
• Twelve Victoria’s Secret models in one photo is never a bad thing. [Bob's Blitz]
• This tattooed Jacksonville Jaguars fan is one crazy broad. [Ted Williams Head]
• Domato Peko absolutely lit up Troy Polamalu last night. [Busted Coverage]
• Tailgating at Duke has been banned after some dumbass minor was found passed out in a Porta Potty. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Was Wade Phillips the webmaster for the Cowboys’ site, too? [Second-String Fullback]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: If I Had One Piece Of Advice For Today’s Youth, It Would Be To Throw A Baseball Really, Really Well (By Roy Halladay)
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Pat Riley, when not constructing a championship caliber roster for the Miami Heat, by all accounts, is incredibly old school. He likes the way in which things were done in a bygone era, when a guy would wake up in the morning, carefully massage a pound of lard into his hair to get that sophisticated greased-back look and then go give 110% at his job, whether that be as an NBA coach/executive or, um, some other vocation where no one would hassle a guy for having a pound of lard applied to their scalp – adult bookstore owner, perhaps? Anyway, the guy could then return home, satisfied with his effort and promptly be served a martini by his adoring wife, unaware that one day, a terrible evil would be unleashed and nary a soul would any longer be safe from the dastardly, dread-filled dangers which can commonly be found in the “Cyber-World.”
With the vitriolic hatred which can be commonly found in the “Cyber-World” for one LeBron James, Riley addressed during an interview with Dan LeBatard on 790 the Ticket in Miami whether or not he believes increased security will be necessary for the Heat when they visit Cleveland. Riley also discussed how he thinks it is potentially dangerous for athletes to even bother entrenching themselves in the terrifying new world of social media (via Sports Radio Interviews):
“There’s been discussion about amping up the security, but it’s almost anywhere now. It isn’t just Cleveland. Throughout the league and in all sports, with what’s going out there in the cyber-world you just don’t know who is connecting with you. That’s why I have a hard time understanding why players would want to twitter people they don’t even know and let people they don’t even know know where they’re going to be at what time and all this stuff. There’s more concern I think today in all sports of amping up security. That particular game speaks for itself so I’m sure the league will be on top of it.”
Indeed they will, Mr. Riley. But what happens if Lebron James were to “twitter” people and tell them that he too will be at the game when the Heat take on the Cavs in Cleveland? If he does that, the NBA might have to begin hyperamping security and maybe even Facebook a warning on the eBays so the Twitter people know that the league means business. Gosh darn highfalutin internets with its complicated mumbo jumbo, flashy attitude and great googly Googling. I’ve had about all I can take of it, consarnit. You know what I’m talking about, right? I heard about it after watching a provocative movie on cable TV. It was called The Net, with that girl from the bus.
Pat Riley Says That Health Is the Thing That Could Prevent the Heat From Winning a Championship [Sports Radio Interviews]
Like most professional athletes, New York Knicks center Eddy Curry has an affinity for luxury automobiles, and now he is getting sued over unpaid auto repairs to said luxury automobiles to the tune of $73,000.
The lawsuit, filed by Lee’s Foreign Car Service in Chicago, stems from auto repairs conducted by the shop from 2007 and 2008. Curry had work done on several of his vehicles at Lee’s, including a Cadillac Escalade, Mercedes Benz, Range Rover, and Rolls Royce Phantom. Curry actually wrote checks for the repairs but the checks were “returned by the bank for non-sufficient funds,” the lawsuit alleges, because, you know, how is it possible for a person to keep funds in his checking account when one was only taking home a paltry $8,171,103 and $8,947,543 in annual income, his yearly salary in the years when the work was performed? Things are tough all over, you know.
Further, how in the holy hell does a Cadillac, Mercedes, Range Rover and a Rolls Royce, presumably all in spectacular condition, require that much in repairs? I know parts are expensive on these kind of vehicles, but still. Unless these repairs were instead modifications and upgrades to already stellar vehicles, then that’s a different story. Yet we come back to the fact that Curry earned nearly $17 million in those years. It boggles the mind, really. Jesus, if I had that kind of money to throw around, I would most certainly have the most pimped out Volkswagen Jetta in all the land. And I wouldn’t owe some shop $73K in bills because of bounced checks, either. I will have you know I can do my own oil changes and wiper blade replacements, thank you very much. Because I’m a manly man, you see. As if you couldn’t tell that by my masculine prose.
(flexes, pulls muscle in back)
Ex-Bull Curry sued for $73,000 in auto repair bills [Chicago Sun-Times]
