Archive for November, 2010
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A 56-year-old woman from Gurnee, Illinois was arrested Tuesday after she allegedly attacked an officer with a sex toy. Carolee Bildsten walked out on her tab for the second time at Joe’s Crab Shack (you can’t make this stuff up). When police found her lying in the grass down the street from the restaurant intoxicated, officers escorted the drunk to her home so she could get some money to pay her bill and that’s when things got interesting. From the police report: “”She walked into her bedroom. She said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a ‘clear, rigid feminine pleasure device’ and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner. The officer knocked the device out of the way prior to being struck and placed the woman under arrest. She was then escorted out of the residence, placed in the squad car and transported to the Gurnee Police Department.” Jebus. What’s worse? Get a look at her. Jebus, indeed. [MSNBC]
• Joe Morgan shows us how not to take the high road. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Kobe Bryant is now the youngest player ever to reach 26,000 points. [Rumors & Rants]
• After his Celtics beat the Heat for the second time this season, Paul Pierce took a shot at LeBron and company on Twitter. [You Been Blinded]
• Video: JJ Hickson “Absolutely Fu**ed It” Says Cleveland Cavaliers Play-By-Play Man. [Busted Coverage]
• Epic own goal off dude’s back goalie fail. [Bob's Blitz]
• Sports bar in Philly doesn’t like black people. [With Leather]
• Behold: Kovalchoke’s epic shootout goal fail. [TAUNTR]
• WoW salutes Mariners broadcaster Dave Niehaus. [Walkoff Walk]
• Danica Patrick was on Jimmy Kimmel, looking good as usual. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Freddie Mitchell, standup comedian? [Food Court Lunch]
• When he’s not captaining the Sharks, Joe Thornton hangs out at MYFO. Today, he answers your questions about sports. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Rural South Dakotan Walks Away From First Encounter With Jewish Man, Shaken But Unharmed
Via TAUNTR:
Famed sports attorney Jack “The Hammer” Justice is branching out. Justice, previously known for representing student athletes abused by their college coaches, is now defending defensive NFL players who are being handed down far too many unfair fines. So look out, Roger Goodell. “The Hammer” is on the case.
Wow. This one hits on so many levels, all brilliant and hilarious. I especially enjoy the frenetic energy of “The Hammer” as he rhymes his way through how he can help while looking at cue cards just off-camera to his left. Another one knocked out of the park, fellas.
Jack “The Hammer” Justice: Defending NFL Defenders [TAUNTR]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Tracy McGrady hates the Smurfs? That’s wrong, man. [The Basketball Jones]
• Here’s a sneak peek at some photos from the lovely Paula Creamer’s upcoming calendar. [Wei Under Par]
• Kobe Bryant in slo-mo leaves something to be desired. [TAUNTR]
• Ron Jaworski is as confused about the benching of Donovan McNabb in the last game as the rest of us non-film watching rubes. [Larry Brown Sports]
• That White Sox executive who allegedly stole money from prospects? Yeah, he used the money to open a gay bar. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. [Ted Williams Head]
• Not fair: two college-aged sisters drop hole-in-ones on the same day. [Bob's Blitz]
• Alright, this is getting out of hand: Cavs fans now think SI for Kids is dumping on them. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The so-called “worst player in the NFL” has released an equally atrocious rap song. [Shutdown Corner]
• If you have been on the lookout for NBA player necklaces made out of LEGOs, today is your lucky day. [Steady Burn]
• John Kitna in photo: “Is that…is that the Undertaker’s music?” [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• So, how is ESPN’s soccer coverage coming along? [Awful Announcing]
• Let’s some Canadians educate you on Remembrance Day by profiling a U.S.-based video game commercial. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Anyone who has spent any time following the career of Pat Williams with the Minnesota Vikings and before that, the Buffalo Bills, is undoubtedly aware of Big Pat’s gift of gab (is the gift that he has…). His seemingly effortless ability to throw an outstanding quote out there for our collective enjoyment/head-scratching. For example, earlier today, the behemoth defensive tackle had an interesting way of explaining how he feels regarding all the unnamed Vikings players surfacing recently who have had less than flattering things to say about head coach Brad Childress.
Behold the loquaciousness of Fat Pat Williams (via the Star Tribune):
“I don’t know. That’s just all reports. Ain’t no names. That’s Sean Jensen. So that’s what Sean Jensen do. He ain’t going to give nobody no names. So I really don’t pay no attention to that. That’s all he-say, she-say stuff. He ain’t going to put no names put out there, so I don’t know if it’ true or not. That’s like somebody say I’m gay, but they don’t have to tell me who said it. I don’t know. But they’re going to believe it. They going to believe it. If somebody starts that rumor, they’re going to believe it. So that’s how it is. That’s all rumor. They not going to tell me who said it, so I don’t know.”
Wait. What? There is a whole lot of stuff going on in that quote, none of which I can confidently say I understand. Seriously, read it a few more times, you’ll only end up more confused. Nevertheless, I agree with everything he said there. Who’s going to argue with Pat Williams? Not me, that’s for damn sure. Another thing we can be sure about: Pat Williams ain’t gay…
(rereads quote again)
I think.
Big Pat not a big fan of unnamed sources [Star Tribune]
Eric Mangini: Master Of The Zinger
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Say what you want, the guy has a face for comedy
If this whole NFL head coaching thing doesn’t work out for Eric Mangini – and up until last weekend’s beatdown of the Patriots – that seemed to be the direction his career was heading – the Browns head coach might have a future in zinger-based comedy.
The upcoming game between the Jets and the Browns has been fraught with sideshow-like attractions: Rex Ryan dressing up like his twin brother, Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, and then putting a bounty on his brother’s head, among other random displays of skullduggery and tomfoolery.
If that weren’t enough, Coach Rex shot a backhanded compliment across the Browns bow recently, saying that he considered putting a bounty on Eric Mangini as well, but, alluding to Mangini’s considerable weight loss, “he’s small right now. It would be hard to hit that kind of target.”
Well, Mangini wasn’t going to take this lying down, so he had a little comeback of his own to the fiery Jets coach’s witticism (via The Wall Street Journal):
“I think everyone in New York is happy about that,” Mangini said, “except maybe Macy’s losing one of their floats.”
Zing! Can I get a drum roll and a cymbal crash?
That’s better. I tell ya, this Mangini guy, he’s like a regular Don Rickles, which considering Mr. Rickle’s advancing age, is a pretty good thing. Being regular, that is.
Mangini jokes about Ryan’s weight loss [Wall Street Journal]
Not actual van used in services of warrants
Criminals, especially those seedy individuals on the lam who are avoiding service of process, can be a crafty bunch, which makes the jobs of Pennsylvania constables Hubie Coleman and Albert “Rocky” Younkin an often tricky endeavor. According to Hubie and “Rocky” (hey yo), folks routinely avoid opening their doors when the constables attempt to serve arrest warrants upon them, often because their constable cruiser resembles a police car.
Enterprising individuals that they are, Coleman and Younkin came up with a brilliant idea: after seeing a van all tricked out in honor of the beloved Steelers at a local car dealership, they decided to ask the owner of the van if they could use it to see if it would make their difficult jobs a bit easier by tricking the people they were trying to serve into coming outside.
Guess what? It worked like a charm. Via the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review:
“It’s been working great,” Coleman said. “We sit outside and lay on the horn, and they come out. They’re interested and curious.”
The interest didn’t end after the individuals found out they’d been had, either.
“One guy tried to buy the van off of us,” Younkin said, adding that he named their new tactic “The Fayette County Constables Do the End Around,” referring to a trick football play.
Unfortunately, they only used the van for one day – Wednesday. It would only be a matter of time before word quickly spread among the criminal element in their jurisdiction, effectively blowing their cover and rendering the benefits of showing up in a Steelers van useless. But they will always have their memories of the one day when they rolled through the streets, taking out scofflaws one by one. All thanks to their trusty Steelers van.
Constables serve arrest warrants in Steelers van [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Oh, the humanity! Won’t somebody please think of the children! The world is going to hell in a handbasket and Clinton Portis is carrying that handbasket with the world in it while wearing a Phillies cap! Gah! Janky Spanky!
Man, that Clinton Portis. Who woulda thunk a guy as mild-mannered as Portis, who abhors the spotlight, mind you, go and pull a stunt like this? Crazy, I know, but there he was, earlier today, wearing a Phillies hat. What makes this display particularly shameful is that the Redskins play the Eagles – who are also from Philadelphia! – on Monday night!
(please reread the first paragraph of this post to reiterate the utter zaniness of it all now)
Okay. Back with me? Good. But why, oh why, would Portis do this? What is he trying to prove by thumbing his nose at his franchise and the geographical location where they play by wearing a hat from a team that just so happens to share the same geographical location of a team that the team Portis plays for also comes from?
(eyes roll back in head)
Wait, what was I getting at? Oh yeah, why Portis was wearing a Phillies cap: he was in a “red” sort of mood today. I see.
Now that’s what I call dressed for success! Ladies and – ah, who am I kidding? – Just the gentlemen, that’s how a serious journalist gets gussied up for hot – but serious – journalistic action. I mean, let’s see Jeremy Schapp or Al Bernstein try pulling that outfit off. Ain’t going to happen, my friends. What? I’m only going off what Top Rank President Todd duBoef had to say about his organization choosing to hire Ines Sainz to cover this coming Saturday’s Manny Pacquiao – Antonio Margarito fight at Cowboys Stadium over a much more qualified, much more ugly journalist.
Lou Holtz, God love him, is sadly beginning to display troubling signs of senility. In fact, the presumed debilitating condition afflicting Holtz may be finally taking its toll on the 73-year-old member of college football royalty, ravaging the ESPN analyst’s ability to clearly understand what in the hell is going on around him and subsequently be able to speak coherently and lucidly on any given subject. Well, allow me to rephrase that, Coach Lou – in particular what he had to say recently to the Chicago Tribune regarding the likelihood of Notre Dame returning to college football prominence and why Notre Dame’s football program may “have more going for them than they ever have,” appears to be even more disconnected from reality than what we have come to expect from the old coot. To wit (via Chicago Breaking Sports):
(please put on metaphorical internet face spit shield helmets now)
“There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that they can’t be even more dominant than they’ve ever been,” Holtz told the Tribune on Wednesday. “It’s a beautiful campus. They now allow the (recruits) to visit in the spring, not in January and December when we (coached at Notre Dame). You have got a football facility… unbelievable practice areas. You have as nice of facilities as anybody in America. You’ve got a great academic institution. And the (football) schedule is much more conducive to winning than it has been. You’ve got a beautiful stadium. You’ve got the NBC contract….
“You tell me, and I mean this sincerely… because I’m not the brightest guy in the world… but what in the world would you want in order to build a national power that Notre Dame does not have?….My goodness gracious, I think they have more going for them than they ever have.”
My goodness gracious, indeed, Coach Holtz. What is going on in that little old head of yours? Granted, Notre Dame has incredible facilities, a rich history and is a top notch academic institution…but it always has had those things going for it. But in spite of all these wonderful aspects, nothing has helped change the sad state of Fighting Irish football over the past decade. All I can surmise from Holtz’s meandering, nonsensical thoughts above is that the sky in his world is most certainly Madonna Blue and Papal Gold. Come back to reality, Lou. We are all deeply concerned about you and where this is headed.
Holtz: Irish ‘have more going for them than ever’ [Chicago Breaking Sports]
That. Is. Priceless. In a completely inappropriate, awkward, squirming sort of way.
I hope Manchester City’s Carlos Tevez at least had the good sense to put on a rubber glove before performing this uncomfortable medical procedure Manchester United’s Rio Ferdinand. And what are Tevez’s credentials exactly? Is he a licensed proctologist? So many questions, yet there is absolutely no reason why we need to know the answers to them. Further, I would speculate by the look on his face that Ferdinand is an unwilling participant in this improvised rectal exam, but notice how he is using the ball to give Tevez a better angle in which to…
Okay, I can’t go on. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we? What’s that? The damage has already been done? Try telling that to Ferdinand.
[H/T to Jimmy Traina at Hot Clicks]
The tremendous amount of goodwill Kevin Garnett has accumulated over his long and successful career has been taking some hits over the past few weeks, originally stemming from Charlie Villanueva’s allegations that KG referred to him as “a cancer patient” during a game between the Celtics and the Pistons on November 2nd. And that might be just the beginning of open season for taking shots at Garnett’s integrity and the perception of how he is viewed by his colleagues in the NBA, as evidenced by Joakim Noah’s recent statements regarding the Celtics superstar, escalating their already simmering feud by referring to the Celtics forward as “a very mean guy. Noah also added that KG should not expect a Christmas gift from the Bulls’ big man this coming holiday season. That’s cold-blooded, man.
Via ESPN Chicago:
“Kevin Garnett will not — will not — get a Christmas gift from me,” Noah said with a tinge of humor Wednesday on “The Waddle & Silvy Show” on ESPN 1000. “I don’t like him.
“He’s a very mean guy. Where’s the love? None at all. Ugly, too.”
Ugly? Those are fighting words! And the “Where’s the love” reference? Who knew Noah was a Hanson fan? I didn’t, but I guess I can see it – the guy is a bit flaky, after all. Either way, Noah clearly understands that love makes the world go ’round and ’round and…
Um, moving on from that Hanson-related awkwardness, Noah was not yet finished with his diatribe against the trash-talking loudmouth Wednesday:
“I had his poster in my room,” Noah said. “I used to wear his jersey. And the truth is my rookie year, I was in admiration of this guy, and he kind of shut me down.
“And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he’s only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason. I don’t know why, but that’s who he doesn’t like. He’s not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c’mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet.”
Come on, KG. Where’s the love, man? Don’t make Noah MMMBop you one. Or whatever.
Joakim Noah dislikes Kevin Garnett [ESPN Chicago]
(previously at the Sportress: Bad Idea Taunts: Kevin Garnett Allegedly Calls Charlie Villanueva A ‘Cancer Patient’)
Shockingly, Randy Moss was benevolent enough to allow the Tennessee media to bask in his temperamental glory for a few minutes on Wednesday, even fielding a few questions along the way, although he did so in his trademark petulant fashion (no word on whether or not there was a “Kneel before Zod” moment before Moss addressed the media). But what I found most interesting was how Moss ended his typically terse interaction with reporters: a curious, veiled reference to the “Super Bowl Shuffle” (via The Tennessean):
“I’m going to say it again; I’m not coming here to start no trouble. I’m just coming here to work every day and hopefully win. Thank you.”
He’s not going there to start no trouble? Man, it would have been sweet if Moss would have instead wrapped it up with, “I’m not coming here to start no trouble, I’m just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle,” and then, instead of saying “thank you,” busted out a few funky dance moves, preferably “The Robot” or “The Funky Chicken.” Yeah, that would have been sweet.
What Moss had to say Wednesday [The Tennessean]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A man – who has not been named – was found smoking a joint in a designated smoking area at Uniontown Hospital in Pennsylvania on Tuesday morning. After a nurse detected the odor of marijuana when she was out on a smoke break, she alerted security. When police questioned him, the man said, “I’m having a baby and wanted to get a buzz” and then pulled a bag of weed out his shoe. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Shawne Merriman lasted 15 minutes. Well, that’s not so bad. Wait, it was on the practice field with his new team, the Bills? Oh. That sucks. [With Leather]
• Just so you know, the Cavs are doing just fine, thanks for asking. [The Basketball Jones]
• Ouch: David Lee knocked out Wilson Chandler’s teeth with his elbow while making a rebound. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Sadly, the Los Angeles Clippers are still the Los Angeles Clippers. [Rumors & Rants]
• If the Florida man who filed restraining orders against Jesus Christ, Barack Obama and Denver Broncos and former Florida quarterback Tim Tebow really that crazy? These guys might have evidence to the contrary. [TAUNTR]
• Yikes: Ilya Kovalchuk’s epic shootout fail. [Ted Williams Head]
• Check out the new jerseys for the Washington Nationals. [D.C. Sports Bog]
• Zach Randolph apparently does not know how long an NBA game lasts. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Did Erin Andrews subtly give confirmation that she is dating Aaron Rodgers? [The Jersey Chaser]
• In honor of Veterans Day, here’s a look at the “veteran” player on every major league roster. [We Should Be GMs]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Area Woman Already Planning Party For ‘Mad Men’ Series Finale
There’s apparently some bad blood between the Jets linebacker Bart Scott and the Detroit Lions organization, and while Scott may feel that his anger is well-warranted, when a player on a Super Bowl-caliber team is picking fights with the coach for a franchise as beleaguered and miserable as the Lions, that player should realize it is completely unnecessary and pointless, kind of like punching a quadriplegic in the nuts.
Ugly imagery of someone abusing a paralyzed person aside, Bart Scott is evidently pissed off at the Lions due to some supposed dirty play during Sunday’s game. Scott accused the Lions of being the dirtiest team he has ever played against, also adding: “I swear to God, I hope I see them again,” presumably so he could exact his revenge. When informed of Scott’s allegations, Lions head coach Jim Schwartz tersely replied, “consider the source.” Oh, it’s on.
And on it was, because when Scott heard about what Schwartz said about what Scott said originally (is this high school?), Scott just couldn’t help himself (via the New Jersey Star-Ledger):
“We’re playing the Browns man, I ain’t going to oblige him,” Scott said. “He’ll be watching TV in January, I don’t got nothing to say to him.
“Listen, I won’t have to play Detroit for another four years, I could care less what that man has to say. He don’t even exist to me anymore. Does it really matter? I don’t have to see him ever again. Am I going to see him at the Super Bowl? Playoffs? Probably not. In the parking lot? What do you want me to say? Why would I care. I never have to see him again. Ever.”
Yes, Mr. Scott, Jim Schwartz, the head coach of woebegone Lions, will in fact be watching TV in January, just like every Lions coach has since 1999. But by Scott being clearly being affected by something Schwartz offhandedly said while insisting he doesn’t give rip yet expounding upon it for some time…well, all of that doesn’t quite jibe. Although I will give Scott credit for deducing that it is highly unlikely that the Jets will be meeting the Lions in the playoffs anytime soon. What with the different conferences and everything.
But here’s the rub, Scott: if you and your teammates are left watching TV in February, with all the smack tack and chest-thumping your team has developed into something of an art form this season, the Jets will be the ones left with egg on their face, not Jim Schwartz. And Scott will be the one left wondering where it all went wrong and why he wasted his time getting into a pointless pissing match with the coach for the lowly Lions.
Jets LB Bart Scott on Lions coach Jim Schwartz: ‘He’ll be watching TV in January’ [New Jersey Star-Ledger]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• The NHL All-Star Game just got a killer injection of awesomeness. [With Leather]
• Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once faked an injury because he was afraid he’d get booed. At least his fears didn’t turn into gunplay. It’s a step in the right direction. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Rex Ryan conducted a press conference as his brother Rob. [Tirico Suave]
• The great Reggie Jackson once pooped his pants. Yep. [Ted Williams Head]
• Is Phillip Rivers the NFL MVP at this point? [Rumors & Rants]
• This Bears fan got a wee bit too excited about getting one of Charles Tillman’s gloves. [Bob's Blitz]
• Yeah, this screencap pretty much sums up the Dallas Cowboys’ season. [Busted Coverage]
• Shaq has one weird sense of humor. Disturbing, really. [The Basketball Jones]
• Sad: Jim McMahon’s brain is toast. [Shutdown Corner]
• The Dolphins mascot might be a pervert. Look at how frisky he got with one of our servicemen. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Ladies and gentlemen, Abe Simpson’s Week 10 Fantasy Football Sleeper. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Guy Who Normally Holds Up Letter ‘D’ Sick This Week
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