Archive for November, 2010
“DERP! Hey Big Papi, have you seen…have you seen my baseball glove? Whaddya mean I don’t wear one on this hand? DERP!”
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Ahoy hoy, Sportressphiles. Amazingly, the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us once again…jeez, where does the time go? If you’re wondering, I actually do have some thoughts as to where said time goes: it involves quantum physics, ancient aliens and some interesting artifacts I found in my dryer’s lint trap – I mean, have you ever looked inside one of those things? Boggles the mind…
Anyhoo, the good folks at Captain Morgan (Happy Captain’s Eve, everyone, by the way) have asked me to prepare a little write-up highlighting a few of the best matchups in the National Football League (Jon Gruden would say, “The National Football League is where players in the National Football League play a unique brand of football which can only be found in the National Football League. This league…football!”) during the upcoming holiday weekend. There are three – yes three – games on the docket for Turkey Day – well, those of us who have NFL Network. Are there people still out there that still cannot get the NFL Network? Can that possible? Well, if it is, for those out there for some reason or another do not have it: man, you are one pathetic loser…no offense.
But hey, I’m not here to rub salt in the wounds of those of you who will be unable to watch the NFL’s version of a Thanksgiving matinee. There are still two great games to be enjoyed while you are trying your damnedest to barely tolerate those family members you find intolerable, even without the evening matchup between the Bengals and the Jets. In the early game, New England visits Detroit (wOOt!), followed by New Orleans at Dallas.
So, without further ado, let’s take a look at a few games ol’ Weed finds the most intriguing. Enjoy.
With Justin Bieber in town on Tuesday night to make little girls and pederasts alike swoon with giddy – as well as inappropriate – delight, some geniuses affiliated with the Habs organization thought it would be a super neat idea to poll some members of the Montreal Canadiens to get their thoughts regarding the teen pop megastar. Brilliant. I imagine there were few things these guys would have preferred to be doing than dishing on Justin Bieber, although I wonder if their opinions would have changed had they known that the Biebster – a native of Stratford, Ontario – would proceed to profess his love for the hated Maple Leafs (via The Gazette):
Having been well-briefed on local customs, he went on to compliment Montreal’s “beautiful girls” and playfully prod fans by proclaiming his love for the Toronto Maple Leafs during the course of the show.
Thankfully, his wide-eyed followers were not totally awestruck; the latter moment was the only time they defied him, giddily booing the Leafs and shouting “Go Habs Go!” instead of his requested “Go Leafs Go!”
Blasphemy! The nerve of that little tween twerp! You can’t just go around denigrating a town’s hockey team, especially in Canada. Sure, he may be a superstar adored by 12-year-old girls who have little to no understanding what constitutes good music, but even he hasn’t earned that right yet. I mean, who does he think he is, the second-coming of Andy Gibb or something?
Good gracious, man: that is one awful mustache. The saddest part? He’s been growing that bad boy for 23 freaking days and that’s all his testosterone-challenged hormones could conjure up. For shame, A.J. For shame.
Alas, his facial hair experiment was for a good cause. As many of you are aware of, November is the month of Movember, where men (hopefully not women) grow facial hair to raise money to promote men’s health.
The Movember Foundation is a registered 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that runs the global men’s health initiative, Movember.
Each year, Movember, the month formerly known as November, is responsible for the sprouting of thousands of Mo’s (Australian slang for moustache, where the movement began) on men’s faces around the world, raising vital awareness and funds for men’s health, specifically for cancer affecting men.
Men who grow moustaches for the month of Movember, called Mo Bros, become walking, talking billboards for the cause, raising awareness by prompting private and public conversation around the often ignored issue of men’s health.
Here you can find the “Before” photo, which is barely indistinguishable from the “After” photo you see above. Sheesh.
All kidding aside, I have to applaud Pierzynski for his bravery. It takes a confident man to upload a photo of himself with what appears to be a diseased caterpillar setting up shop on his upper lip. Given that Pierzynski has raised over $7,000 for his “efforts” with a few days of fundraising time remaining, and for that he should be commended.
But jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, that wispy thing is downright ghastly. It makes the mustached atrocity that is Sidney Crosby appear Tom Selleckian by comparison.
[H/T Hardball Talk]
This little spoofy vignette appeared on a Seth MacFarlane’s YouTube channel in one of his “Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy” shorts. The fine folks at NESW Sports have trimmed the extraneous material so just the LeBron part is featured in the above video.
It’s funny, you see, because the shoes are wearing LeBron! That’s totally backwards, people. I’m surprised you couldn’t catch that one yourselves.
But where is the patented MacFarlane-esque non sequitur? I find it hard to believe he couldn’t come up with a way to incorporate Hitler riding a unicycle while juggling fish or a fighting chicken into this little nugget of comedic amusement.
Well, you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit, I suppose.
[H/T NESW Sports]
Far out, man. For the modest and reasonable price of $300, you can own this fine piece of craftsmanship inspired by The Big Lebowski. Ladies and gentlemen: The Duddha Rug. This fine piece of home decor can be purcahsed at Bill Green Design and Illustration, but I would act fast. While it is readily apparent that this Bill Green fella is a skilled artisan, I heard he can be a real reactionary when it comes to demand for his products.
An apt description, courtesy of Uncrate (via RandBall):
Looking for something that will really tie the room together? Throw down a Duddha Rug ($300). This 3 x 5, Lebowski-inspired home furnishing features an image of The Dude as Buddha in the center, surrounded by circular pattern of symbols from the movie — including bowling pins, pot leaves, viking helmets, toilets, scissors, and guns — all framed by the letters “DUDE” in the four corners. Groovy.
I’m sorry, that rug is beyond awesome. If I ever walked into someone’s home and saw that bad boy on the floor, I would instantly know I have met a kindred spirit. And if it so happens that this rug fulfills its urinary destiny and is micturated upon, don’t come crying to me asking for compensation. Not that I would ever do such a thing. I may be an uncivilized miscreant, but at least I’m housebroken. Dude.
[H/T Randball]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and high praise to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A personal aircraft which requires minimal training and no pilot license? Sign me up and get me that motorized wheelchair toot sweet! “We’re trying to make the world’s easiest-to-fly aircraft,” Richard Lauder, chief executive of New Zealand-based Martin Aircraft Company tells Discovery News. “Our goal is to create a Segway for the sky, where the principles of flying would be very simple.” Sounds grand. Let the carnage and subsequent lawsuits begin! [MSNBC]
• Wouldn’t it be the coolest if the Red Sox offered a massive contract to Derek Jeter? [Larry Brown Sports]
• Of course Tony Parker’s divorce got the Taiwanese animation treatment. [Outside the Boxscore]
• For a likely paltry $15K, you can become a player on Madden 12 which no one will ever use. [Bob's Blitz]
• Get your Gus Johnson fix with his call of a 60-foot, first half buzzer beater. HA-HAH! [Awful Announcing]
• Here are the nine most interesting 2011 NHL All-Star Game voting trends. [Puck Daddy]
• Former NBA great Walt Frazier believes LeBron should have chosen the Knicks. [Ted Williams Head]
• Kobe Bryant’s Christmas shoe, y’all. [The Basketball Jones]
• You, yes you, can now look like Mike Ditka circa 1985. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Fans are showing up in droves for the opportunity to punch Ben Roethlisberger in the face for $25K. [TAUNTR]
• Gourmet Spud brilliance: Marv Albert hosts the 2010 NBA Entitlement Awards. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Duke Doing Something Indicates College Basketball Season Either Starting, Ending, Or Ongoing
Well, a skunky beaver can be a pretty formidable thing to deal with as well, but that’s a different story altogether. A scorned muskrat to their credit, is capable of being a devilish bastard as well, but I suppose you could have figured that one out on your own. You know, given how passionate those critters can be, a fact which can be surmised courtesy of the lyrical stylings of Captain & Tennille. I’ve said too much.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Few things are more amusing than watching a Lions fan talk smack about the Patriots. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Of course Philly fans booed the wrecking ball’s first whack at the Spectrum. [The700Level]
• In light of Tracy Porter’s Family Guy haircut, here are some photoshopped FOX promotions on NFL players’ heads. [TAUNTR]
• The Week 11 edition of LOLNFL is hilarious, as usual. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Red Wings fans are doing everything in their power to protect the sanctity of curly fries. [Puck Daddy]
• Miami Heat players making “DERP!” faces is always amusing. [The Basketball Jones]
• Former NBA center Mark Eaton is one tall turkey killer. [Busted Coverage]
• Is Blake Griffin really Blanka from Street Fighter II? [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• One of those douchetards from Good Charlotte is a wannabe Steelers fan. [PSAMP]
• Just what the world needed: a kids furniture line from LeBron James. [The Sporting Rave]
• Here are some more of those amusing ESPN The Magazine Movie Issue-inspired photoshops I linked to yesterday. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• General Tao brings us “The Secret to Success – Evening News Edition.” [Food Court Lunch]
• Here’s some video from Jorge Posada’s Celebrity Basebowl fundraiser. [Bob's Blitz]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Coach Has Difficulty Describing What Sort Of Win That Was
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Yet another twist in the constantly turning Vince Young saga. Reports out of Nashville now indicate that when Young showed up at the Titans facility at Baptist Sports Park, he was asked to leave by a team official.
Via The Tennessean:
Young expressed frustration and was visibly upset, according to sources, but he eventually left without incident. Indications are Young showed up at the facility for team meetings and was told he wouldn’t be needed.
Sources said Young showed up for a team meeting and was told he wasn’t needed.
The source said he has not “necessarily been “banned” from the facility, and he could return at a later date.
Ug-ly. Young, who the Titans are expected to place on injured reserve at some point in the near future due to a thumb injury which requires surgery, appears to have finally worn out his welcome with the team, in light of his erratic behavior over the past two seasons, a troubling issue which was blown wide open after a run-in with head coach Jeff Fisher in the locker room after their game against the Washington Redskins on Sunday. Young reportedly got in a verbal altercation with Fisher and allegedly said, “I’m not running out on my teammates, I’m running out on you.’’
I don’t know, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like that pot-smoking kid in that 1980s PSA – you know the one, “I learned it from watching you, Dad!!!” Or maybe, just maybe, it’s more like the slacker character Doug from The State (“I’m outta heeeeeere.”) And if that’s the case, hoo boy, perhaps Young is in worse shape than originally suspected. I mean, who bases their actions on a character from a 1990s sketch comedy show? Although I suppose it would be a much more dire situation if instead of Doug, Young began imitating Louie from The State and started going around saying: “I’m going to dip my balls in it!” You know, with the whole drunken, shirtless thing and all. Not pretty.
Vince Young asked to leave Titans facility [The Tennessean]
After being listed first on 22 of 28 ballots submitted by members – two from each American League market – of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America, Texas Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton has won the AL MVP award, and how very happy we are for him.
Hamilton won the batting title with a .359 average and led the league in slugging percentage (.633). He also hit 32 home runs and drove in 100 RBI despite missing nearly a month of the season due to a rib injury.
I’m no Baseball Prospectusbator, so I’ll leave the argument of whether or not Hamilton deserved the MVP award to those pin-headed, spazoid stats geeks, but I can assure you of one thing: the Hamilton for MVP celebration party is on like Donkey Kong and it’s going to be a rager! My guess is the revelry will be going all night until the break of 8:00 p.m.
Rangers’ Josh Hamilton wins American League MVP award [Reuters]
Chilling, isn’t it? I know what you’re thinking: what in the hell would Troy Polamalu be doing on a farm, and if he were, wouldn’t you think he would exercise enough caution so as to not get his legs caught up in a hay baler? I agree – the Steelers safety does seem to be the type of person who would be extremely careful during farm work, and the fact that he always keeps his head on a swivel while playing football surely would be a tremendous attribute while working with farm machinery, but these kinds of accidents happen every day, even to folks with far more farming experience than Polamalu.
Further, you may ask yourself – am I right, am I wrong? You may also ask yourself, my God, what have I done? – hold on, I got Talking Heads on the brain again – apologies.
What I meant to write instead was: you may be asking yourself, even if Troy Polamalu had the misfortune of being in a tragic farming accident, why would he have been wearing his Steelers jersey and helmet while working on a farm, not mention in full pads as well? And why, after the accident and a presumed long hospital stay, would Polamalu insist on wearing his Steelers uniform – in full pads, once again – and request that he be propped up on some kind of uncomfortable-looking stand as opposed to a wheelchair?
Sadly, friends, these are not questions that I have answers to. I guess we’ll just have to hope that Troy Polamalu doesn’t get his legs lopped off in a tragic farming accident.
Despite playing for a terrible team with an atrocious 2-8 record, Chad Ochocinco remains a compelling character, always ready with an amusing, entertaining quote. To wit: during his conference call with New York media – the Bengals play the Jets on Thursday night – Ochocinco professed his admiration for several Jets players, including Darrelle Revis and Santonio Holmes. But he saved his highest praise for Jets QB Mark Sanchez, you know, because they’re both Mexican. Duh.
Via ESPN New York:
“What do you mean? We’re both Mexican. Of course he’s exciting,” said Ochocinco, formerly Chad Johnson. “That’s my carnale. He’s good, man. He’s good. To be able to come into that atmosphere, that environment in New York, the monster that the media is there, to be successful, to be able to carry that weight on his shoulders … he’s handling it perfect. He’s handling it really, really well.”
¡Magnifico! If only Ochocinco could be as impressive – as well as dedicated – on the football field as he appears to be in keeping character while performing his court jester routine in front of the media. Now that would be something to see.
Ocho loves Sanchez: ‘We’re both Mexican’ [ESPN New York]
Sure, the easy joke here would be to make some well-past-its-prime dig on Vick’s criminal past and make a reference to some dog magazine like Dog Fancy or Modern Dog, but you see, we here at the Sportress – meaning me and the frog in my pocket – aspire to a more sophisticated level of humor, so I would never elect to go that route.
Instead, given Vick’s career resurrection, I believe an entirely different reference would be apropos, so my guess for the next magazine cover that Michael Vick will appear on will be Christianity Today.
Yeah, that’s pretty stupid. Should have gone lowbrow and went with the dog joke. There’s a reason why tried and true jokes are tried and true Sigh.
[H/T for image to The700Level]
Ahh, I’m just kidding around. There has never been one documented outbreak of The Herp in any locker room which can be directly attributed and traced to the presence of jersey chaser Alyssa Milano. Some crabs, sure, but not The Herp.
Okay, okay, I’m kidding again. Now I’m just being mean to the actress. But still, you have to wonder if the lovely Miss Milano has perhaps set her eyes on a Steelers player, given her presence in Pittsburgh last Sunday to attend the Steelers-Raiders game with two of her cousins. You just never know with that gal. I just hope she wasn’t planning on hooking up with Jeff Reed, as that ship has sadly sailed. And with Reed as the captain, my guess is that ship’s likely course is a direct route to some port in Jamaica so Party Brah can get some much needed R & R at the Hedonism II resort. Just a hunch.
[H/T Busted Coverage]
