Archive for November, 2010
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! I don’t know how he did it, but Ozzie Guillen has managed to tweet a dire plea to his many Twitter followers: while watching fall league baseball, he has somehow figured out a way to get stuck inside his television. Jeez, that Ozzie, always getting himself in sticky situations. I don’t know about anybody else, but this odd situation reminds me a bit of that craptastic movie, Stay Tuned, only this has the potential to be entertaining. Pam Dawber? Please. Whatever, Mindy.
And no, by the above title I am not indicating that Cliff Lee is giving up baseball to pursue his dream of becoming the fourth member of the Beastie Boys. I am, of course, referring to Cliff Lee’s plan on how he intends to proceed during his free agency period, which I shouldn’t have to point out – but I will – is absolutely nothing like a menstrual period at all. Now that’s the kind of thing that could seriously dampen the likelihood that Lee will make a huge splash in the free agent market. I mean, who in their right mind would sign a menstruating pitcher, no matter how good he is?
Moving on, Lee, period or not, will be taking it slowly and plans to not rush to any decision, at least that is how it appears it will go according to statements made by his agent, Derek Braunecker, to The Dallas Morning News (via Yahoo!):
“We’re going to take it on of kind of a team-by-team, case-by-case basis. I don’t expect Cliff to be flying all over the country,” agent Darek Braunecker said, according to the Dallas Morning News. “We believe that when the right deal presents itself, we’ll be prepared to act. And when that might be, that’s anybody’s guess at this point.”
Good to know. So I guess we shouldn’t expect the Yankees to swoop in and sign him anytime soon. Give it a few weeks, then that will inevitably happen. Duh. And who knows? Maybe Lee secretly does want to give up the game and join the Beastie Boys. Stranger things have happened. And I heard he can rock a house party at the drop of a hat, which is encouraging.
Cliff Lee taking free agency slowly [Yahoo!]
Colorado athletic director Mike Bohn confirmed earlier this morning rumors which have been running rampant ever since the Buffaloes’ epic collapse on Saturday in a 52-45 loss against Kansas: head coach Dan Hawkins has been fired. The fiery coach finished with a substandard 19-39 record and assistant coach Brian Cabral will serve as interim coach for the remainder of the season.
Bohn’s statement (via The Denver Post):
“We collectively believed that it was important to provide the opportunity for Dan as head coach and his current staff to pull things together, and things looked bright just one month ago after we opened with a 3-1 record,” Bohn said in the release. “However, things have gone downhill from there. While we recognize the progress that we have made in several areas during nearly five years under Dan, the negativity and divisiveness that is associated with the current leadership has become detrimental and is beyond repair to our current enterprise and it’s time to make a change.”
Articulate and respectful to Coach Hawkins, but I wonder how the canned coach is handling it.
From Matt Crosman’s column, “All in the family: Garrett bred to coach Cowboys,” in Sporting News:
When new Cowboys coach Jason Garrett was 4 years old, his parents bought an 11-bedroom house in Monmouth Beach, N.J., across the street from the Atlantic Ocean with a beautiful view of the beach and the water. The view is gone now, swallowed up by a development. But the impact of Garrett’s time there remains.
Garrett’s dad, Jim, spent a lifetime coaching and scouting in college and the NFL. He worked all over the country, but every summer the family would return to that house by the water, where Jason and his three brothers spent hundreds of hours playing in the field adjacent to the house across the street from the ocean.
As the boys got older, Jim Garrett started inviting his players to run drills on the field. That grew into a summer tradition, a veritable free football camp populated by current and soon-to-be NFL players from Dino Hall to Pat Moriarty to Sam Mills and Miles Austin.
Well, I can certainly see that. A young boy spending his formative years at his daddy’s knee absorbing time-tested knowledge regarding the intricacies of the hard work, effort and integrity it requires to be a successful coach and leader of men. While Garrett is the interim head coach of the Cowboys for the balance of the season, and depending on how he performs the rest of the way, could very well be the Cowboys coach next season. But if Garrett’s performance is subpar and is not kept on next season, I only wonder if Jerry Jones will do his due diligence when seeking out a permanent replacement and bear in mind the coaching acumen and pedigree which can only be passed along down generational lines, as I imagine that Garrett isn’t the only available candidate out there who learned quite a bit about the coaching game from his highly successful and incredibly knowledgeable father…
Hoo boy. Those guys look thrilled. Methinks they would have preferred to have their hair set on fire instead of modeling these atrocities.
Last week, the Sportress regaled you readers with a little story about how the WHL’s Saskatoon Blades are donning denim-inspired hockey jerseys for their November 12th game against the Portland RiverHawks. Apparently, the purpose of wearing the above denim-like nightmares – other than perpetuating the stereotype that denim is an integral component of the so-called Canadian Tuxedo – was to honor the upcoming Professional Bull Riders (PBR) Canadian Finals which are to be held at the Credit Union Centre in Saskatoon the following week (note: I originally suspected that “PBR” stood for Pabst Blue Ribbon, which would have made a lot of sense, given the choice of attire – I was wrong).
Word has been passed along courtesy of the renowned Puck Daddy that the designer of these jerseys is a company named ProJoy, and how impressed are we with their efforts on these bad boys. Crap, even the team itself is keenly aware of the fact that the above sweaters will never be deemed as a popular, much admired fashion statement, let alone something that won’t be mocked and ridiculed mercilessly. From an article in the Montreal Gazette (via Puck Daddy):
“Some people aren’t necessarily loving these things,” Blades staffer Michael Scissons said with a smile, “but we never went out to design the nicest jersey in the world. We went out to design an event-specific, fun jersey. We knew that it wasn’t going to rank in the top-10 nicest jerseys of all-time.
Boy, I’d like to meet the mouthbreathers who think those jerseys are the best thing. In any event, it’s hardly a ringing endorsement. I bet all the organizational support shown by the Blades’ front office is incredibly encouraging to the folks over at ProJoy. Thanks for nothing, except for humiliating our players, ProJoy. If I were them, I wouldn’t expect a Christmas card from the Saskatoon Blades this holiday season.
Witness the Saskatoon Blades’ denim hockey jerseys in the flesh [Puck Daddy]
WHL team’s denim-look jersey ‘just horrible’ [Montreal Gazette]
If there were such a thing as inslut repellent (motto: “Off! Inslut Repellent: Kind of like insect repellent, but for sluts!”), the organizers of Tiger Woods’ upcoming tournament would have been strongly advised to stock up on several 55-gallon drums of the stuff considering the most recent news about a few unwelcome guests who are apparently planning on showing up.
You see, TMZ is reporting that three of Tiger’s more attention-whorish of his many alleged paramours – Joslyn James, Holly Sampson and Jamie Jungers – intend to make an appearance, presumably leaving snail tracks along the way – at his tournament, the Chevron World Challenge, which will be held from November 30 – December 5 at the Sherwood Country Club in Thousand Oaks, California.
And if the presence of these washed-up, used-up skanks wasn’t enough, TMZ also reports that two of the harlots will have “new boobs” in time for the tournament, so that’s…something.
But seriously, enough is enough.These broads need to slink back to the holes from which they originally emerged when their alleged dalliances with Tiger first came to light. Somebody should tell these skanks that their moments in the spotlight have long passed their expiration dates. If I had the chance, I would sit them down – well, first I would make sure to put on a Hazmat suit, obviously – and inform them that it’s over. Go back to their homes on Whore Island…or whatever.
I mean, take a look at them – they’re borderline disgusting. I can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure my browser was just infected with Chlamydia by simply having these images open in it. If I were you, I’d run a scan, too, just as a precaution.
Tiger Woods — Mistresses Still Chasing His Putter [TMZ]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Dutch authorities have issued 30,000 scratch and sniff cards that smell like marijuana to people in an effort to help citizens identify the odor so they can rat out neighbors who may be illegally growing pot. “Citizens must be alerted to the dangers they face as a result of these plantations, and if they become aware of any suspect situations they must report them,” Arnie Loos, spokesman for a government-appointed working group on cannabis cultivation, told journalists in the port city of Rotterdam. [Yahoo!/AFP]
• Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another talk with Kevin Youkilis’ Beard of Truth. [TAUNTR]
• Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens got out of a ticket by giving the cop an autograph for his kid. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• So long, Joe Morgan. Don’t let the ESPN door hit your ass on the way out. [Awful Announcing]
• If you thought you had heard the last of that terrible Kid Rock song that TBS played incessantly during the MLB playoffs, think again. [Rumors & Rants]
• How very unsanitary: Shaq sticks a wad of bum underneath the bench before every game. He should get detention. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Here’s the story about the day Mike Leach was almost eaten by a shark. [Out of Bounds]
• Mark Buehrle’s wife is not good at keeping secrets off Facebook. [Foul Balls]
• Browns offensive coordinator Brian Daboll is an excitable guy. [Bob's Blitz]
• Four very circus-y things about the Miami Heat. [The Basketball Jones]
• Seann William Scott (a/k/a Stifler) in a hockey fight! Granted, it’s for a movie, aptly named Goon. [Puck Daddy]
• Carmelo Anthony’s new Nike commercial. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Play the role of an MLB general manager and vote on which free agent you would sign. [More Hardball]
• It’s time for history class with everyone’s favorite woodhead, Channing Crowder. [Ted Williams Head]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Genetically Modified Broccoli Shrieks Its Benefits At Shoppers
I don’t know what I’d do without Jimmy Joe’s informative and entertaining NASCAR recaps. Jimmy Joe: you’re doing the Lord’s work, sir. Well, as long as the Good Lord above is a NASCAR fan…which is entirely possible. He’s kooky like that.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• So long, Wade Phillips. It’s been a good run. Well, it’s been a run. [With Leather]
• Jay Glazer is reporting that Phillips was visibly upset about getting s**tcanned. [Larry Brown Sports]
• What Puck Daddy has learned about ESPN’s pursuit of NHL TV rights. [Puck Daddy]
• Giants fan to Seahawks fan: “Lick my asshole.” Alrighty then. [Busted Coverage]
• “Are you there God? It’s me, Peter King.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Allen Iverson arrives in Turkey, chaos ensues. [The700Level]
• Ndamukong Suh has ended Sebastian Janikowski’s 11-year reign as the NFL’s fattest kicker. [TAUNTR]
• The top 10 reasons Tim Tebow is writing a memoir. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Nike hyperfuse is the NBA’s most popular shoe. [The Basketball Jones]
• Bud Selig believes in Abner Doubleday the way a kid believes in the Easter Bunny. [Out of Bounds]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Neighbors Believed Murderer Only Capable Of Rape
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagaisntspeed@gmail.com.
Erin Andrews recently sat down for an interview with news anchor Gayle Sierens from her hometown television station WLFA (Tampa). Among the topics addressed: her new, expanded role on ESPN College GameDay and how she is trying to accomplish as much professionally as quickly as she can so she can kick back, relax and start pumping out babies.
Well, the classy gal that she is, Miss Andrews discusses the baby-making with much more class and eloquence than I, a troglodytic blogger, could ever aspire to, but in the end, this is Erin Andrews talking about making babies, so please pardon my enthusiasm, however crass it might come across.
Via Tampa Bay Online:
“It’s so humbling and amazing to me to be a part of ‘College GameDay,” Andrews tells Sierens, recalling that when she was a broadcast journalism major at the University of Florida, she “camped out” to get a front row spot when the ESPN pre-game show came to town.
“I was waiting in the front row to get my picture taken with them,” she says in the interview airing at 11 tonight on News Channel 8.
“I am so honored to be the first woman on that show with a regular role,” she says.” And at the same time it’s so difficult. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water and act like I know what I’m doing.”
And now, on to the good stuff: Erin Andrews talking about making babies!
She also tells Sierens that “getting married and having a family” are important goals now. “I didn’t really care about it before because I was so focused on my career,” she says. “I want to do as much as I can now so when it’s time I can settle down and have babies.”
You have my contact information, Miss Andrews. Hey, I’m just throwing it out there – how is that in any way a bad idea? Now, I generally don’t like to toot my own horn, but the facts speak for themselves: I’m relatively young, in good health, extremely witty, devastatingly handsome and believe or not, I’m achin’ for some procreatin’!
Wow, that’s just terrible and I should be ashamed of myself. Please excuse my abysmal behavior and the poor taste I just exhibited. I realize now that it is terribly inappropriate to brag about one’s own good looks. Believe me, I know not what I do.
Erin Andrews enjoying new role at ESPN, ABC [Tampa Bay Online]
I’ll admit: I have had some fun here at the Sportress from time to time by lightly making fun of nationally syndicated columnist Norman Chad, but I would like to point out that it was all in good fun. In fact, I consider myself quite the fan of Chad’s unique brand of humor and take on the sports world at large. Further, the the fact that his salary pales in comparison to the obscene amount of money ESPN threw at Rick Reilly is borderline criminal. Chad is a far superior writer: where Reilly is droll, Chad is witty; where Reilly is derivative, Chad is quintessentially original; where Reilly is hackneyed, trite and borderline idiotic, Chad is entertaining, thoughtful and always hilarious.
I am always excited when a new Chad column comes across my feed reader and today I am especially grateful to the “Poor Man’s Rick Reilly” and his brilliant column playfully mocking ESPN entitled, “You know that ESPNHS will be a classy operation.”
The preamble (via the Cleveland Plain Dealer):
As part of its expanding empire, ESPN — as has been rumored for years — is moving into the academic arena. ESPN High School (to be known as ESPNHS) will open in fall 2011 at a yet-to-be-determined location, with an ESPNHS slated to come to your city by 2020.
ESPNHS will prepare its students for the complex world of sports and the even more complex world of ESPN. ESPNHS graduates will have a leg up not only on job opportunities in and around Bristol, Conn., but also anywhere there is a flat screen.
Some sample course offerings as envisioned by Chad follow.
Usually, you have to get up pretty early in the morning – whatever that means – to sneak an amusing breast reference by ol’ Weed, but apparently I am way late on this one. I was not aware until just a few minutes ago, that there is an NBA player nicknamed Boobie: Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson Yep, and not only that, this fellow has apparently been playing in the NBA for four years already. What the fungus? Why hasn’t by Boobie Sense been tingling simply by this guy’s presence in a professional sports league? Am I slipping? Not as quick on the draw as I have been in the past when a tit joke is just flopping out there for all the world to see and waiting to be gently squeezed so that every drop of milky humor can be extracted from it?
Granted, I don’t follow the NBA as closely as I do the NFL, NHL or the MLB, but come on – the guy goes by Boobie. Boobie, for crying out loud. That’s just the tits, man.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Boobie and Mo working together on court [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Oh, pity poor, poor LeBron James. When is that guy ever going to catch a break? If things weren’t bad enough for him, now he has been completely let down by his favorite football team, the Dallas Cowboys. When it rains, it pours, I guess.
James (pictured above at a Cowboys-Redskins game) made his disappointment about the Cowboys epic fail of a season known via Twitter yesterday with the following two tweets:
“Something has to change around Cowboy land. Some furniture moving asap. This is just ridiculous man!!!!!! C’Mon Son”
“Never thought I’d say this about my Cowboys but they are officially the worst team in the NFL right now even though the Bills are winless!”
Ouch. Worse than the Bills? That’s a low blow, man. I mean, the Bills just got beat by the friggin’ Bears, of all teams.
James was asked about his beloved Cowboys after Monday’s Heat practice (via ESPN Dallas):
“Very tough, man. I’ve never had to change channels when my Cowboys played. I was changing between ‘Eastbound and Down’ and my Cowboys, so I knew I was kind of frustrated at that point.”
Wait. Was James frustrated that the Cowboys game was interrupting his enjoyment of the Eastbound and Down or the other way around? Because if it was the former and not the latter and James actually enjoys that phenomenal show, I might have him pegged all wrong.
At the same time, why am I supposed to care that James is so disappointed in the Cowboys? Shouldn’t he be a fan of the Dolphins now anyway? And is this how it’s going to be with LeBronomania? Is the media intend on poring over the excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event and opinion of LeBron? Am I contributing to the very same problem I am bitching about by writing something about the fact that someone else is writing about something I think doesn’t need to be written about? Should I keep asking inane questions with little purpose, reason or point? Maybe.
Man, my head hurts now. Thanks for nothing, LeBron James. It’s all your fault.
LeBron James can’t watch Dallas loss [ESPN Dallas]
As the saying goes, there’s no “I” in team, but according to the spelling-challenged designer of the above jackets which some Redskins cheerleaders wore during a recent community appearance, there’s two of them in D.C.’s NFL team’s name.
The Washington Redsikins. I really like the way it rolls so effortlessly off the tongue. As an added bonus, Redsikins doesn’t have the same inherent racism of the original name. I say make the switch, Dan Snyder, and make a go of it as the Washington Redsikins. Couldn’t hurt, right?
[H/T D.C. Sports Bog]
Yee Haw! NASCAR Guys Be Fighting
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Hoo boy! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Mix a little WWE into some NASCAR action and you got yourself some mighty compelling television.
An irate Jeff Gordon forcibly pushed Jeff Burton after a wreck yesterday in the 191th lap at the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at the Texas Motor Speedway. Burton took complete responsibility for the collision, which occurred under a caution flag, but that didn’t prevent Gordon from getting punchy. Gordon stormed up to Burton and after pushing him, threw a couple of punches before the two were separated by NASCAR security officials.
Below is each racer’s take on the incident (via FOX Sports):
”Thankfully, I had a long walk to him down the backstretch because I did about the least amount I was going to. I wanted to do a whole lot more to him,” Gordon said. ”You know, I like Jeff, he’s a guy that’s usually very rational and I respect his opinion and he apologized, said it was his fault, said he didn’t mean to do it, and whatever. It’s over.”
“I wrecked him under caution,” Burton said. “I didn’t mean to wreck him but I wrecked him under caution.
“Coming off of Turn 4, he (Jeff Gordon) drove underneath me. I should have let him go and I didn’t. The caution came out and he pulled up next to me to tell me he was upset at me and he went on. Then I went to pull up next to him to acknowledge him, to say he was right and I turned left and he was turning left and we just hung up.
Well, it looks like all’s well that ends well, I reckon. Video follows.
