Archive for October, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Is there anything more emasculating than getting dissed by Justin Bieber in one of his songs? Ask Tom Brady. [Larry Brown Sports]
• According to this headline from The Tennessean, the Titans are going to have their hands full with Jags’ Cox. [Ted Williams Head]
• Mike Tyson is back in the video game boxing ring, kids. [Out of Bounds]
• Congrats to my pal Ryan Ballengee on his new gig, writing for Pro Golf Talk ver at NBC Sports. [Waggle Room]
• It sure looks like the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to be sticking with the Comic Sans. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Is it possible for Mike Singletary to save his job with the 49ers? [Rumors & Rants]
• Earlier today, Charlie Manuel channeled his inner Ric Flair. [The700Level]
• NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson and the PGA’s J.J. Henry played “golf” at the Texas Motor Speedway. [Devil Ball Golf]
• Big Ben is back. Even better, KSK is back making fun of Big Ben. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• At least when Shawne Merriman is released by the Chargers he will have more time to spend rebuilding his relationship with Tila Tequila. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: I’m Afraid We Will Never Win In Afghanistan Unless Central Command Gets A Pinball Machine (By Gen. James N. Mattis)
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Would you look at that? I bet it almost feels like you’re practically right on the bench among your favorite Flyers players while your standing in a grimy, filthy bus shelter waiting for the bus to take you to your meaningless, dead-end job.
Boy, that’s an awfully negative way to look at these new Versus ads that have been popping up not only in Philly, but according to The700Level, in Chicago, Boston and Minneapolis as well. But I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. And speaking of negative, let’s hope the Flyers get off to a good start this season. Otherwise, there’s no telling what kind of vile graffiti those degenerate Philly fans are likely to use to deface these presently nifty little advertisements.
Awesome Flyers Bus Shelters for Versus-NHL Ad Campaign [The700Level]
…and proceeds to get a haircut and a shave from one of the employees of said barbershop. Hilarious!
Yep, this qualifies as a newsworthy sports item in this day and age. And I don’t want to hear any gruff about it. This is your sports world, not mine. I am simply reporting on what’s being reported. Although I occasionally do enjoy considering myself the arbiter regarding the relative inanity of it all. It’s a little treat I allow myself while surrounded by the flotsam and jetsam floating around the shipwreck that is the modern sports world.
PHOTOS: Tiger Woods Cleans Up His Act [Radar]
No seriously. It’s true. During Ivanovic’s match against Barbora Zahlavova Strycova at the Generali Ladies tournament, the judge docked her four points – or one game – for taking too long to return to the court after requesting a bathroom break.
Ever since Paula Abdul revolutionized the concept of all that a Laker Girl can be way back like 40 years ago, the Laker Girls as a whole have widely been considered some of the toughest, most resilient gals ever to shake their booties on the hardwood. And that long tradition continues to this day, as evidenced in the video that follows which shows the beating Ashley, a member of the 2011 troupe of Laker Girls, took when Lakers guard/forward Matt Barnes and Kings forward Carl Landry get in a scrum for a loose ball which continues over the baseline and right smack into poor little Ashley.
With the Cowboys’ season quickly slipping away as the 1-3 team prepares for a showdown with the equally desperate Vikings on Sunday, perhaps choosing a session with the Dallas media yesterday as the perfect opportunity to test out his comedic chops was not the best idea. Sadly, while his impulsive decision to break out new material may not provide a ringing endorsement to Wade Phillips’ sense of timing – a must for any aspiring comedian – you cannot argue that he has some mad skills as it pertains to the tricky business of self-deprecation-based comedy.
While discussing Dallas’ trio of rookie safeties: Barry Church, Danny McCray and Akwasi Owusu-Ansah, Phillips improvised and broke out this little nugget of witticism. Via The Dallas Morning News:
“We’ve got a lot of good players,” Phillips said. “If we had any coaching at all we’d be in good shape.”
(insert sad trombone here)
But seriously folks, it’s funny because it’s true. Maybe Phillips does have a future in stand-up once his coaching career is finished. Even better, if the Cowboys somehow lose to the Vikings this weekend, Phillips just might be able to test out the genre of prop comedy after extracting Jerry Jones’ boot from his ass.
Wade Phillips jokes to media: ‘If we had any coaching at all we’d be in good shape’ [The Dallas Morning News]
When he’s not falling asleep during broadcasts of Mets games, baseball legend Keith Hernandez has parlayed his excellent baseball career into a nice little niche as celebrity spokesman. Obviously, ten-year-old Just for Men commercials have clearly rocketed Hernandez’s endorsement prowess straight into the marketing stratosphere, as evidenced by his appearance in the above “Sell Your Gold to These Guys” pimping for Coin Galleries of Oyster Bay. Brilliant stuff.
Now, if I only had some gold to pawn…I regrettably melted all of my gold down in order to create a replica of Narsil, the mystical sword of King Elendil of Dúnedain. Of course, the sword was later reforged and named Andúril, but as far as Tolkien is concerned, I am a bit of a staunch traditionalist, much like Keith Hernandez has always been regarding his mustache.
[H/T 7th Inning Stache]
And no, I am not referring to Jon Stamos’ Uncle Jesse from Full House, ya morons. I am, of course, referring to Uncle Jesse Duke, the character brought to life brilliantly by the legendary Denver Pyle in the much-beloved Dukes of Hazzard. Who would be dumb enough to compare Brock freaking Lesnar to some pretty boy from a terrible sitcom? Not I.
These photos come courtesy of Bloody Elbow and they were taken as Lesnar prepares to defend his title against Cain Velasquez at UFC 121 on October 23rd. And while I know little about MMA, even a UFC-watching neophyte can ascertain that Lesnar appears to be working himself into good shape for the bout.
To be honest, I’m digging the beard. It looks good on Lesnar, it makes him look even more intimidating, if it is even possible for that beast to appear even more frightening than usual. Let’s face facts: Lesnar is certifiably terrifying, although I am not sure terrifying is a characteristic which can be certifiable. I’m certainly no scientist, but if there were such a thing as a Periodic Table of Terror Elements, Lesnar would have an atomic number of 104, that being the terror element, Panicium. Myself, if ever faced with the disconcerting prospect of staring down Lesnar before a fight, I, of course, would be overwhelmed, causing Peemypantsium to begin running down my leg.
But enough with all this theoretical nerdy talk. The entire point here was to point out that Lesnar is a spitting image of Uncle Jesse, although at a younger age than he was during Dukes of Hazzard. Take a look see and tell me if you agree.
At least that’s who I read it. Obviously, not wanting to know anything about Chase Utley’s unit prevented me from reading on to see if my understanding of the story’s theme and content was even accurate.
Even if it is not, it’s kind of sad that in these crazy times, we have become so inundated with stories about athlete dong that the first thing that comes to our minds when we see the word “unit” in a headline, we automatically assume it has to be in reference to athlete penis.
What? Just me? No, I’m a happily married man, why would you even attempt to imply that? Hey, I’m not the person who clicked on the link to a post about a story about the units of players on MLB playoff teams. That was you. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, pervert.
Unit rankings: How baseball’s final four teams compare [Sporting News]
There are many instances and accolades that illustrate when a person’s hard work has finally paid off and their time to shine in the spotlight has ultimately arrived: the first time TMZ stalks a person outside of a dry cleaner, a horribly-executed Saturday Night Live parody and a cover story in People. While those are all very nice and good and all, they all pale in comparison to the best compliment a person can be given as a reward for their life’s efforts: being named to their high school’s hall of fame. And today, ESPN’s lovely and talented Jenn Brown has experienced that thrill.
On October 14th, Brown will be one of four individuals (including Minnesota Twins backup catcher Drew Butera – whee!) who will be inducted into the Hornets Hall of Fame at Bishop Moore Catholic High School in Orlando, Florida. While attending Bishop Moore, Brown, an incredibly accomplished athlete, competed in cross country, volleyball, diving, bowling, basketball, softball and track and holds the school record for most varsity letters by any student with 14. Wait. Bowling? What the fungus?
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and if you’re a naked guy checking out porn on some other dude’s work computer, don’t send me anything. All others send stuff to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Curtis Halberstadt – the most brazenly perverted guy ever – is sitting in an Oklahoma City jail related to charges of indecent exposure after a man at an unidentified business arrived back at work after lunch to find a naked Halberstadt looking at porn on his computer. The money line, from the AP report: “According to the report, when the employee asked him what he was doing there, the man said, ‘cleaning and trying to make some money.’” Oh, he was cleaning up alright. I don’t know what that means. [Yahoo!/AP]
• A disgruntled 49ers fan (is there any other kind?) climbed up onto roof of a church and refused to come down. [Out of Bounds]
• Naked jogger gets tasered by police officer and the dashboard camera captures all of it. [Busted Coverage]
• Some NFL quarterbacks have referred to the Breast Cancer Awareness balls used in games as a “disaster.” [Larry Brown Sports]
• Adorable video of an 18-month-old MU Tigers fan illustrating how the Kansas Jayhawks choke. [Bob's Blitz]
• Bobby Knight believes Cliff Lee is a better baseball player than God? [Big League Stew]
• The Top 10 questions regarding Big Ben’s return. [Five Tool Tool]
• Soccer player drills old man in the stands with errant shot. Ouch. [Ted Williams Head]
• Amir Johnson and NBA friends climb the Great Wall of China. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• So long to Shawne Merriman’s flame-out of football career. It’s over. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• There appears to be some confusion regarding rapper Birdman’s quest to become part owner of the Miami Dolphins. [Second-String Fullback]
• Arianny Celeste is the newest Playboy covergirl. Me likey. [The Sporting Rave]
• General Tao discuss a new low for Canadian “Arts.” And that’s saying something. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Street-Smart Teen Found Dead In Library
As the Guthrie family agreed upon, once their pet turtle named Tomalina, a red-eared slider, grew too large for its aquarium, they would donate it to a nearby zoo. The family decided to give Tomalina to the Gulfarium in Okaloosa Island, Florida. Imagine the family’s horror when Tomalina was introduced to her new environment – where two other red-eared sliders were already living – when suddenly, an alligator sharing the same manufactured habitat- promptly ate poor Tomalina. Via Sun Sentinel blog, FloriDUH:
Brenda Guthrie and her 8-year-old son, Colton, witnessed Tomalina’s death as the red-eared slider disappeared into the alligator’s jaws. When the two looked away from the sight, she said they could hear the crunching of the turtle’s shell, reports the Daily News.
“He was jumping up and down screaming,” Guthrie told the Daily News of her son’s reaction. “He was shouting, ‘Oh no, alligator, let it go!’ ”
Oh man. Poor Colton. Even more so, poor, poor Tomalina. That poor bastard probably didn’t even know what hit him (or her). Employees of Gulfarium were not surprisingly shocked and dismayed by the unfortunate series of events:
Gulfarium officials said that the alligator, Gracie, had just been hand-fed and that the gators normally don’t express interest in the turtles.
“It’s horrible for a little kid to have to see that,” General Manager Don Abrams told the Daily News. “That’s not unusual to put sliders in the same exhibit. [The alligators] have never eaten a turtle in the exhibit before.”
Well, to be fair to Gracie, the damn turtle had slider right in its name, and who among us would pass up anything that shares a nickname for a White Castle? Be they alligator, human, or otherwise. It’s the steamed onions, I tell ya.
Gulfarium gator eats boy’s turtle: “Oh no, alligator, let it go!” [FloriDUH]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• So, The T.Ocho Show happened… [Awful Announcing]
• Feast your eyes upon the wonder and splendor that is the Potty Putter. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Things are not going so well for Brutus Buckeye. [Out of Bounds]
• The lovely Paula Creamer was on The Price of Right yesterday. [Waggle Room]
• Ron Artest has been given the key to Las Vegas. Awesome. [The Basketball Jones]
• Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio is back at it again with that stuff that he does which annoys the hell out of people. [Bob's Blitz]
• Texas Longhorns coach has a jacket emblazoned with hybrid Stephen Hawking-Eagle creature. Ballhawk, get it? [The Last Angry Fan]
• The three mascots from the 2010 Winter Olympics preview the Vancouver Canucks. [Melt Your Face Off]
• There are few things that are a better example of good parenting than filming your son crying over a Chargers loss. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Here’s a video of some stadium employee working a Rams game helping up a drunk instead of an old lady. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Headline win: “Rangers celebrate with ginger ale while manager blows rails in office.” [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Morley Safer Can’t Remember If He Left Stopwatch Running After Locking Up ’60 Minutes’ Studio
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Photo unrelated to story, but hilarious
Susan Fishpaw, a 49-year-old unhinged woman from Bucyrus, Ohio wreaked havoc at the Crab Apple Ridge Golf Course near Erie, Pennsylvania yesterday as she took a joyride around the grounds, terrorizing golfers and crashing into golf carts. According to GoErie.com, Fishpaw was arrested and remains jailed in the Erie County Prison on $5,000 bond on a felony count of aggravated assault and misdemeanor counts of simple assault and recklessly endangering another person. Most interesting aspect of the story? Arresting officers do not suspect she was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Wha?
The crazy scene, lazily copied and pasted (I’m busy, dammit!):
Tracy said Fishpaw had driven over most of the golf course before Louis Tracy IV caught up with her. Fishpaw rammed Louis Tracy IV’s Ford F-150 and turned onto the golf course parking lot, where she smashed into some parked golf carts “at a good speed,” Rusty Tracy said.
Heh. Women drivers. They are just the worst.
Woman remains jailed, Summit Township golf course owner still perplexed over car incident [GoErie.com]
And we all know what happens when Ben Roethlisberger gets anxious and excited about anything: the Scooby Snacks and Jägerbombs begin to flow and before you know it, well, I don’t have to tell you what happens next.
At the same time, charges were never filed against Roethlisberger regarding any of his so-called dalliances, so perhaps now that he has served his suspension due to violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy, we should all give him a break and let him live his life. Perhaps his actions over the past several months indicate that Roethlisberger has grown up a bit and his troubles are all in the past. Moreover, he wasn’t even referring to a general state of agitation which I assume preceded outbreaks of his alleged boorish behavior. Instead, he was discussing his excitement for getting back on the field and playing in a meaningful NFL game. Via ESPN:
“I’m excited. But I’m not to the peak of my excitement yet, that will probably come later,” Roethlisberger said before Wednesday’s practice. “I’m anxious, excited, a lot of emotions. But, like I said, a lot of it is under wraps right now because we’re focusing on practice.
Oh, man. This might not be good. Is Big Ben making a subtle reference to dropping LSD in the above quote? “Peak of my excitement”? “Anxious, excited, a lot of emotions”? While we can’t be entirely certain and by no means am I any expert on the subject, nor do I believe it to be the case, but if Roethlisberger begins to make any allusion to the walls breathing or insists that a stuffed deer head on a wall has begun singing Nine Inch Nails songs to him, Big Ben might have a completely different sort of problems on his hands. So I’ve heard.
Ben Roethlisberger ready for debut [ESPN]
