Archive for October, 2010
Damn You Jimmy Johnson!!!
The United States Anti-Doping Agency announced today that LaShawn Merritt, a two-time gold medalist at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, has been suspended for using banned testosterone prohormones. Merritt has admitted that the discovery of the prohormones in his system during urine tests taken in October and December 2009 and January 2010 were due to his use of the erectile dysfunction medication, ExtenZe.
While the USADA conceded that “enhancing his sports performance was the last thing on Mr. Merritt’s mind when he purchased ExtenZe” and that Merritt “demonstrated tremendous characted [sic] in making what had to be a painful and humiliating confession,” they nevertheless flaccidly meted out his punishment.
Merritt has been suspended for 21 months, retroactive to October 2009, the date of the first failed test. No matter which way you look at it, this is one harsh situation for Merritt. Not only can he not compete, but now the world is aware of the fact that he can’t get it up without popping a pill. That must be humiliating and I imagine Merritt would rather not show himself in public right now. If only they made a pill for head-droopage. No, I’m referring to the other head now.
‘Male enhancement’ pill gets gold medalist suspended [Game On!]
So, the Artistic Gymnastics World Championships took place over the weekend in Rotterdam, and judging from these photos, it was a hallucinatory, highly contorted spectacle to behold.
Just looking at these photos makes both my frazzled mind and atrophied muscles scream for mercy. Yowsers.
Hey Cubs fans, you can take your silly goat curse and stick it where the sun don’t shine, although I’m not sure how one sticks a curse up one’s arse. Huh.
Moving on, quite the controversy has erupted in the world of African soccer last week after the 154th-ranked team from Niger somehow managed to upset defending champion Egypt in a qualifying match for the 2012 African Cup of Nations. How did the scrappy squad from Niger pull off such an upset? Voodoo, of course.
Nearby residents began to spread word that a “local witchdoctor” paraded a black goat around the pitch prior to the game, which, of course, cursed the Egyptian team, causing them to blow goats in their match, culminating in the humiliating defeat. Duh.
The whispers regarding black magic quickly spread to such a degree that a spokesman for the Confederation of African Football had to appear on a radio program to quell fears that the dark arts were wreaking havoc on the integrity of the competition.
Via the Toronto Sun:
“I really don’t see the reason why we are talking about some goat,” Abdul-Menem told Egyptian radio. “Of course it’s the match commissioner’s responsibility to make sure that only the players are on the pitch, but it’s no big deal after all.”
No big deal? No big deal? That is bad mumbo jumbo, my good man. Voodoo magic is nothing to be trifled with or taken lightly. Obviously, this Abdul-Menem fellow has never seen the classic horror film, The Serpent and the Rainbow. Look what that film did to Bill Paxton’s career. Or was that Bill Pullman? Either way, all I know is because of that accursed film, Bill Whomever didn’t land another solid acting role until he landed the part of Bob Harris in Lost In Translation. To work with Scarlett O’Hara must have been a truly remarkable experience.
Voodoo goat blamed for shocking loss [Toronto Sun]
Sweet merciful crap. Kill me now. After making it through about 45 seconds of this abomination, “Duke Basketball Rap 2011,” I have little hope nor do I care about the continuing survival of the human race. I admit to using a bit of hyperbole to get my point across, it’s just that this video is that freaking awful and rage-inducing. Allow me to briefly and succinctly summarize what’s going on here:
Raps About Duke Basketball + Auto-Tune + Aspiring Rapper Blake Campbell (who doesn’t even go to Duke – he attends Furman) = FAIL
And so it goes. Another year of college basketball, another reason to hate the Duke Blue Devils. I will never understand why Duke fans insist on providing so much ammunition to the legions of Duke haters. It’s almost like they subsist solely on their own self-created Haterade. It truly boggles the mind. Thanks, Blake Campbell, for your douchetastic testament to all that is maddening and irritating about the Dukies.
[H/T The Dagger]
To preserve my journalistic integrity (ha), I should mention that Miss Recari counts herself among the multitudes of people who consider themselves a fan of the Sportress. I believe it would have been irresponsible of me if if I hadn’t thrown that little nugget of information out there for good measure. No, I’m not bragging. Nope.
Anyhoo, the lovely Beatriz Recari won for the first time on the LPGA Tour this weekend, holding off Gwladys Nocera for a one-stroke victory at the CVS/pharmacy LPGA Challenge at the Blackhawk Country Club in Danville, California.
From an AP report (via FOX Sports):
”I’m thrilled,” Recari said while clutching a large bouquet of flowers. ”I’m very proud of how I handled myself out there. I did not allow the nerves or (look) any further than what I had to do right in front of me.”
”That was a great experience because I had some much adrenaline, and then I just felt so calm when I was standing on the putt,” Recari said. ”That was fun for me … but this is my job and I still have to keep it fun and focused.”
Well, a hearty congratulations to the 23-year-old rookie Spaniard. Let’s hope this is the first of many victories and accomplishments for the beautiful Beatriz.
Oh, and did I mention that Beatriz is a fan of this here site and even prepared a video thanking the Sportress of Blogitude for its role in getting her voted into a prestigious golf tournament earlier this year? I did? Oops. My bad.
Spain’s Recari wins first LPGA Tour title [FOX Sports/AP]
(previously at the Sportress: Beatriz Recari Likes Me, She Really Likes Me!)
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and photos of ginormous testaments to the deliciousness of Mexican cuisine to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• The residents of the Mexican town of Iztapalapa made a 230-foot long, 1 1/2-ton enchilada made out of “corn tortillas, white onions, serrano chilis, green tomatoes, avocado, cheese, cream and a sea of salsas, among other ingredients” on Sunday. Enough said. I’m starving now. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Rest in peace, pot-banging Yankees fan guy. [Big League Stew]
• Video of DeSean Jackson getting his brain scrambled. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Speaking of brain scrambling, Jay Cutler’s mind is the probably the consistency of a soft-boiled egg right about now. Technically, I am referring to two different egg preparations, but you get the point. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Pierre Garcon made a nice catch last night. So nice, in fact, that Peyton Manning almost stopped scowling. Maybe. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Did a Phillies fan puke on the field over the weekend? Without watching the video, I’d say “Yes, definitely.” [Bob's Blitz]
• This is probably the two coolest holes of golf you will ever see. [Waggle Room]
• Wisconsinites being Wisconsinites: 113 Badgers fans got ejected and missed Wisconsin’s upset of Ohio State. [Busted Coverage]
• Hilarious: Ben Roethlisberger’s cheat sheet for his interview with Ines Sainz. [TAUNTR]
• What did the penalty of pass interference ever do to the NFL? [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Top 6 questions regarding NFL advertising. [Five Tool Tool]
• The 20th edition of “The Sports Snob.” Today, they set their sights on the Dallas Cowboys. [You Been Blinded]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Report: 3 Players In NFL Currently Do Not Have Concussions
Goddamn, I love these friggin’ videos. Such a nice way to end a Friday and begin a weekend.
Speaking of weekends, have yourselves a good one, kiddos. I’ll be back on Monday for some more half-assed sports bloggery which I know you can’t live without. Well, you could, but you would be kind of sad about it. Or at the very least feel a mild sense of ambivalence about its absence, which I’ll take.
Enjoy the football, baseball and what have you, folks.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Yes, Cigar Guy was on Today this morning. [Waggle Room]
• I neglected to address this yesterday (I think): meet your new Ole Miss mascot. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Holy moly: high school running back scored 8 touchdowns in a game. [Out of Bounds]
• There was a pretty gnarly brawl in the Central Hockey League this week which resulted in an embarrassing letter being written. [Puck Daddy]
• Meet the world’s smallest man. [With Leather]
• Former Oregon cheerleader Katelynn Johnson gets down and dirty in football pads. [Busted Coverage]
• DSB does a favor for the bespectacled ESPN NFL analyst and answers John Clayton’s mailbag. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• There was a very special edition of Sexy Friday today over at KSK, all in honor of Unsilent Majority’s pending nuptials. Congrats, sir. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Who truly does have the power in the NHL? [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Miami Heat Website Going With Picture Of LeBron James Today
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
So, there will be no fading for Tyson, unfortunately.
Nevertheless, as the once punishing boxer continues his efforts to reinvent himself, the great Mike Tyson can add yet another item to his list of accomplishments: self-appointing himself the Boxing Ambassador to China. Wait. What? How does one mange to name oneself an ambassador yet still make money off the designation? If it’s so easy, allow me to name myself the Official Good Time Ambassador to Jamaica.
Of course, the story behind Mike Tyson’s self-assigned title is strangely, um, strange. Could it be any other way?
By now you have probably read about how Ines Sainz, despite being painted unfairly as a tart in a floozy’s clothing, has elected to not run away in shame (as she cannot technically run in the jeans she’s frequently squeezed her body into) and will continue to cover sports in her own unique style – although she does not plan on going back into any locker rooms. And while she has been criticized for her choice in attire, Sainz nevertheless believes that her clothing does not cause her to be “any less dedicated to the sports journalism world.” Indeed.
Well, at least we can say that the gal is consistent in her career choices, given she has now officially rejected an offer from Playboy to appear in the magazine. While Sainz did informally reject Playboy‘s offer two weeks ago via her Twitter account, this was the first time she made public comments to the press regarding it (via FOX Sports):
Sainz told reporters during a press conference that she had read several rumors regarding Playboy’s interest, but a week passed before an agent from the popular pin-up actually reached out to her.
“No thank you,” Sainz said to the magazine’s representative. “That’s not my style.”
I’m telling you, as a staunch advocate for the tenets of contemporary feminist ideology and all its associated causes, I would just like to go on record here as stating that Ines Sainz is one courageous broad. She’s like a regular Erin Brockovich or something, that chick.
Report: Sainz says no to Playboy [FOX Sports]
Ines Sainz will return to work but not to NFL locker rooms [Washington Post]
Stealing a page from the 1998 U.S. Olympic hockey team’s playbook regarding how to properly close out a global athletic event with a rousing spate of Led Zeppelin-esque hotel vandalism (sans mud shark shenanigans, hopefully), members of the Australian contingent to the Commonwealth Games in India did a little hotel trashing of their own which culminated in a washing machine being thrown off an eighth story balcony. According to reports the Australians were angry, destructive little buggers due to the outcome of a cricket match. Sticky wicket, indeed.
Perry Crosswhite, Australia’s chef de mission, while taking a break from preparing a bechamel sauce, evidently (I don’t speak French), confirmed that the alleged incident did occur but claims that athletes from other nations were in the hotel tower at the same time and may have been the responsible parties.
Jeez, if it isn’t hard enough to be a college athlete these days that when one gets mixed up in a murder case, his team drops him like a bad habit. Rotten deal, man.
Still, that is exactly what happened to 23-year-old Jared Britton, who became one of ten players suspended from the University of Wisconsin-Stout’s hockey team after it was announced by the incredibly stern, iron-fisted chancellor of the university, Charles Sorensen. Britton and another player on the team, Jedidiah McGlasson, 21, have been charged with assault and party to the crime of felony murder in relation to the beating death of Bradley Simon at a bar on September 18th. Simon allegedly involved in an altercation with Britton and McGlasson at a bar in Menonomie, Wisconsin. During the altercation, Simon hit his head and died days later.
A taciturn Chancellor Sorensen meted out the suspensions on Wednesday, stating that the students’ actions were in direct violation of the Student-Athlete Code of Conduct (via The Vancouver Sun):
“It contains specific guidelines for behaviour, both on and off the field, including actions while engaging in high risk alcohol use,” Sorensen said on the school’s website.
Hello, Chancellor Sorensen? I hate to break it to him and I apologize for dropping a bunch of Latin legal mumbo jumbo on you readers, but there are laws in this country which protect a person’s rights when charged with a crime: it’s called carpe diem, folks. Wait. Or is it caveat emptor? Whichever it is, this Sorensen guy doesn’t appear to understand these highfalutin concepts.
(note: before anyone gets all up in arms, it’s called satire people. While certainly not a humorous situation, I simply find it absolutely absurd that a university feels compelled to take a somewhat defensive stance when explaining why it has suspended a couple of goons who may have played a significant role in another person’s death. Should that really be necessary?)
Hockey player charged with murder suspended from team [The Vancouver Sun]
Even Sad Mets Fan Is Embarrassed
In court Thursday, Joshua Kelner, the attorney for the victim of an alleged obsesealanche, Ellen Massey, argued that the Mets organization and the beer vendors within the team’s employ should be held liable for the injuries suffered by his client when the portly, inebriated Timothy Cassidy, another attendee at the Mets game in question, was so over-served on Opening Day in 2007 that after making a complete fool of himself, drunkenly stumbled and fell down – right on top of Massey. Cassidy was so drunk, in fact, that he was not only horribly slurring his words, he was also picking fights and ultimately, body splashing the poor woman, through no fault of her own – other than attending a Mets game, of course. I would contend that should make her somewhat responsible for her injuries, but hey, I’m no lawyer.
By all accounts, it certainly appears it was a hard fought game between rivals Cocoa and Space Coast on Thursday evening, but just wait until next week for these two squads, when Cocoa faces its toughest matchup of the season against Grape Cape and Space Coast dukes it out on the gridiron against formidable foe Bosco, although I have heard that Cocoa’s offensive scheme is pretty vanilla and it has been years since Space Coast took a punt or kickoff, well, coast to coast.
Either way you look at it, next weekend is going to be chock-full of sweet matchups featuring Herculoidian battles between Florida high school football teams.
Thursday Super 25 roundup: Cocoa uses strong second half to upend Space Coast [USA Today]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and tales of your experiences with pastry thievery to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• That’s what you call the Trifecta of Tastelessness. A 27-year-old Tulsa woman was being held in jail Thursday “on charges of vehicle burglary, trespassing, indecent exposure and soliciting prostitution.” To wit: The Bartlesville Examiner-Enterprise reports that the truck owner complained to police that the woman stole the doughnut at about 2 a.m. Wednesday. A convenience store clerk asked police to charge the woman because he said she relieved herself outside the store…Officer R.S. Detherow says that when he told the woman she was under arrest, she offered to perform a sex act for money.” Good night. Lofty night. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Tony Dungy continues to annoy the hell out of everybody. This time it’s Wade Phillips and Tony Romo. [Larry Brown Sports]
• A day inside Argentina’s Church of Maradona. [Out of Bounds]
• Time for another edition of KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Ines Sainz is not planning on going into any locker rooms anytime soon. [Shutdown Corner]
• God only knows what Mike Tyson and Jim Gray were discussing when this photo was taken. Maybe Pete Rose? [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• Michael Jordan said he believes he could score 100 points in a game in today’s NBA. [Ball Don't Lie]
• Happy 7th Anniversary, Steve Bartman! [TAUNTR]
• Steve Nash and Landon Donovan play FIFA 11 in a hot tub. [The Sporting Rave]
• Jets cornerback Darrell Revis was reportedly popped for careless driving. [Bob's Blitz]
• If you haven’t been following and listening to the podcast, “House of Punte,” you sir (or ma’am) are missing out. In the latest one, Punte interviews Justin Tuck of the New York Giants. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Miami Heat Spend First Two Weeks Of Training Camp Practicing Pregame Introductions
