Archive for October, 2010
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Huge news: Yardbarker announced earlier today that it has expanded its already-established relationship with FOX Sports, teaming up permanently with the media giant. Awesome for me, awesome for everybody. [Yardbarker]
• Chad Ochocinco is planning a new touchdown celebration, this time with props. Yeah, that’s going to go over well. [Larry Brown Sports]
• MYFO’s new feature will certainly not be a Bona Drag: Tuesdays With Morrissey. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Epic screengrab of Al Michaels is turned into epic photoshop. [TAUNTR]
• Cornhusker fan eats a bar soap to honor a bet. Gross. [Bob's Blitz]
• Another great image from from the crows from last night’s broadcast of Monday Night Football. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Who else besides me is thrilled to know you can now purchase Derek Jeter-themed dirt? [Out of Bounds]
• Guy moves to Cleveland for the Browns. Yep. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Lazy ESPN.com Poll Asks Readers If They Like Sports
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Apt Visual Metaphor For Mayne's Career At ESPN? Discuss
Kenny Mayne is without a doubt the most non-irritating on-air personality employed by ESPN. Never appearing to take himself too seriously, Mayne has always been a square peg who has never fit into the round holes which tWWL always tries to hammer its on-air talent into, which results in we viewers being bored to death by the same homogenized, prepackaged version of the same SportsCenter anchor over and over again.
Fortunately for us, ESPN has found a nice little niche for Kenny Mayne: in addition to his oddball shorts on Sunday NFL Countdown (he still does those, right?), his web series, Mayne Street, is a perfect vehicle for Mayne’s quirky sense of humor and comedic sensibilities. And I am pleased to report that the fifth season of Mayne Street has debuted on ESPN.com. You can see the newest webisode here.
Via ESPN Media Zone:
ESPN.com’s original scripted series Mayne Street kicks off its fifth season with six new webisodes debuting every Tuesday at 9 a.m. This season will feature one continuous storyline featuring Kenny challenged by a new executive producer who fastly becomes his arch nemesis. On Mayne Street, Mayne stars as himself in a fictionalized version of life at a sports television network. His reoccurring foils revolve largely around his fictional production crew, as well as other ESPN personalities.
Now hold on a minute. Mayne stars as himself in a fictionalized version of his life at a sports television network? While confusing, I think I understand this. Kenny Mayne is real. His character on Mayne Street is not. Now, the fact that Kenny Mayne is a real-life ESPN personality is completely accurate. But his life as it is depicted on Mayne Street is not the real life of Kenny Mayne. Now Mayne Street, which is a real show, takes place and illustrates situations that, while they are potentially real issues that could be faced by Kenny Mayne the real-life ESPN personality, they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen to the real Kenny Mayne, who is the guy portraying the character Kenny Mayne on Mayne Street.
(head asplodes)
Mayne Street Begins Fifth Season on ESPN.com [ESPN Media Zone]
If there is one city in this great nation that could use a feel-good story right about now, it is most certainly the city of Detroit. Well, one such occasion prevented itself over the weekend when a Good Samaritan came to the assistance of 51-year-old marathon runner Paula Southart, who collapsed during the Detroit Free Press Marathon. This unidentified individual immediately performed CPR on the woman, saving her life.
As is often the case with random do-gooders, the Good Samaritan of the Detroit Free Press Marathon wishes to remain anonymous. While he has agreed to meet with Southart, he would like his identity kept private.
Unfortunately for this guy, the Sportress, through the intrepid gumshoeing of its agents, has identified the life-saver. After the jump, whether he likes it or not, we are set to reveal the man’s identity:
In a word: brilliant.
For more illustrations which would cause Horton to hear a Ha, you can find them here, courtesy of the depraved minds of TAUNTR.
Fearing games could play out out like a scene straight out of The Absent-Minded Professor, the NBA has elected to ban a basketball shoe created by Athletic Propulsion Labs which research has shown increases a person’s vertical leap up to 3.5 inches. The shoes retail for $300.
Athletic Propulsion Labs were notified by a league official of the ban and issued a press release which stated (via Sporting News):
In a press release, APL co-founder Ryan Goldston went on record as not being surprised by the league’s decision to ban the shoe:
Our proprietary Load ‘N Launch Technology has managed to accomplish something never before achieved in the athletic footwear industry: a product that makes you jump higher instantly. The Load ‘N Launch device is implanted in a cavity in the forefoot of the shoe and serves as a ‘launch pad’ by taking the energy exerted by the player and increasing lift with the aid of an intricate, spring-based propulsion system.
“We were not exactly shocked to hear the NBA chose to ban our shoes. The Load ‘N Launch Technology not only provides an instant and dramatic increase in vertical leap, but the biomechanical testing showed that the players exerted far less energy as a result.”
That’s a whole lot of scientific mumbo jumbo if you ask me. Furthermore, I argue that anything which makes for a more entertaining product on the court should not be looked upon negatively. Who cares if the average NBA game turns out to be just like the climactic basketball scene from the classic Disney movie? Just as long as it doesn’t resemble the horrible bastardized remake starring Robin Williams. That movie sucked balls. Big, bouncy Flubber balls.
NBA bans basketball shoe because of undue competitive advantage [Sporting News]
In the story in The Denver Post under the headline, “Broncos’ “Tebow package” must take next step,” writer Lindsay H. Jones asks the pertinent question: ” But how long can the Tebow package exist as we saw it Sunday? Not very, most likely.”
That question certainly has an ominous tone about it, insofar as Tebow’s man bits are concerned, wouldn’t you say? Obviously, the Broncos are determined to do something drastic with Tebow’s package. Exactly what, who can say?
Although, in light of Tebow’s proclivity for circumcising Filipino boys, my guess is a little bit of one-foreskinship is definitely in order. Let’s see how Tebow likes it when the scalpel is in the other hand, so to speak.
Broncos’ “Tebow package” must take next step [The Denver Post]
During an appearance on ESPN Radio’s “Mike & Mike in the Morning” program Tuesday, NFL football operations executive Ray Anderson stressed that beginning this week, the league intends to hold players accountable for illegal hits to the head and neck. When doing so, Anderson’s quote, which pretty much happens whenever anyone says anything about anything, reminded me of something from Seinfeld. It truly is a sickness, people.
In this case, Anderson’s use of the word “egregious” on more than one occasion caused me to think of attorney Jackie Chiles. To wit (via ESPN Boston):
“I don’t know where the word devastating came from. That’s not my word,” he said Tuesday. “What I would tell you is that if there are flagrant and egregious violations of our current rules, we will be enforcing, effective immediately, discipline at a higher level.”
On Monday, Anderson said “We’ve got to get the message to players that these devastating hits and head shots will be met with a very necessary higher standard of accountability. We have to dispel the notion that you get one free pass in these egregious or flagrant shots.”
Egregious? Not only that, these shots are outrageous, preposterous. Lewd, lascivious, salacious, even. In fact, one could even argue that given the NFL’s presumed new policy of suspending players as opposed to fining them, the league has realized that cashing in on a player’s wretched mental disfigurement is no longer beneficial. Instead, when considering whether or not a brutal shot to the head of a defenseless player warrants a suspension, the dazed look on the player’s face is the NFL’s case.
Alright, I’m done here.
Official: Players to be held responsible [ESPN Boston]
Tom Berenger, Jeff Goldblum and Kevin Kline, on the other hand? Bunch of hockey-hating malcontents, those guys.
Since probably three of you get that reference, let’s move away from 1980s movie references. On December 11th, the Michigan Wolverines will take on the Michigan State Spartans in an outdoor hockey game at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor and have dubbed the epic matchup “The Big Chill at The Big House.” According to officials, ticket sales for the game have reached 105,585 which will easily shatter the current world record for attendance at a hockey game, the 74,554 who attended a game between the same two teams on October 6, 2001 at Spartan Stadium, a game which also had a clever moniker for the showdown: “The Cold War.”
Hopefully, the organizers of any upcoming outdoor hockey games between the rival schools don’t run out of clever names incorporating various ways to articulate that it has to be cold outside for a hockey game to take place. If the creativity well happens to run dry, here are a few suggestions:
Actually, both of those stink. Good luck coming up with something original and interesting for the next game, you yahoos. Just one last thing about “The Big Chill.” If Wolverines and Spartans players even dare think about breaking out in an impromptu groove session to Mowtown tunes during an intermission, I’m going to be pissed. And so will Glenn Close. That broad is one frosty bitch.
A photographer has filed a $25 million lawsuit against Mike Tyson in relation to an alleged incident at the Los Angeles International Airport in November of 2009. The plaintiff, Antonio Echavarria, claims Tyson punched him, resulting in a concussion and strained spinal cord. I’m sorry, but if Tyson, even with his advancing age and diminishing skills had punched some pencil-necked photographer, not only would the result of the attack include a concussion and a strained spinal cord, the victim would still likely eating his meals in a paste form, courtesy of a tube inserted directly into his stomach.
Oh, Echavarria also alleges that Tyson broke his camera during the vicious attack. Mustn’t forget about that – it was a pretty nice camera and stuff.
Tyson was arrested shortly after the incident, but was released and never charged due to lack of evidence. But moreover, here’s the rub, Antonio Echavarria: in case you haven’t noticed, Mike Tyson is broke. I mean dirt poor. Echavarria would have better luck getting $25 million out of me.
As frivolous lawsuits go, I assume this one will go the route of many others and this money-grubbing photographer will settle out of court for a paltry sum, well below the $25 million he is seeking. Maybe he’ll get enough to replace his precious broken camera. I only wonder how this new lawsuit will affect Tyson’s new role as Boxing Ambassador to China. Shouldn’t Tyson be granted retroactive diplomatic immunity or something? It would only be fair.
Man says Tyson punched him at LAX [FOX Sports]
(previously at the Sportress: Mike Tyson Is Aware That China Isn’t In Bolivian, Right?)
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and foodstuffs you have shoved down your pants to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Alfonso Matyises was arrested at a convenience store in Naples, Florida after allegedly shoving a bag of Cheetos in his shirt and stuffing some Ho Hos down his pants. After getting caught and asked to leave, Matyises refused, even after being threatened with arrest. He also refused to surrender the Cheetos. Commitment to the crime, I guess. [MSNBC]
• The captain of the University of Minnesota-Duluth’s football team threatened to kick a police officer’s ass. [Busted Coverage]
• Toronto Raptors fan heckles Hedo Turkoglu by telling him that he has “zero work ethic.” That must have stung. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Ed Burns has made a film about sports talk radio. Next up: a Colin Cowherd biopic. [Out of Bounds]
• A hilarious video documenting the epic fail that has been the Dallas Cowboys’ season. [TAUNTR]
• Maybe having an ex-player who suffered multiple concussions attempt to explain the NFL’s helmet-to-helmet rule was not the best idea. Case in point: Steve Young. [Awful Announcing]
• What’s the deal with Junior Seau? [Ted Williams Head]
• An elderly golfer died after getting struck in the head with a golf ball. [Waggle Room]
• Breaking news: that’s not Tiger Woods in Devon James’ Tiger Woods sex video. Also just in: water’s wet. [Bob's Blitz]
• Want to see a punter get laid out? Of course you do. [Second-String Fullback]
• Want to see Kansas Jayhawks basketball coach Bill Self dressed up as Vanilla Ice? Of course you do. [Outside the Boxscore]
• Fantasy football owners don’t like Titans head coach Jeff Fisher right about now. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Jesus, there were a lot of morons in the stands during last night’s Titans-Jaguars game. Here’s a few of them. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• This week in ambiguous magazine covers. [Food Court Lunch]
• I know what I’m going as for Halloween: Tony Dungy dressed up like Count Chocula. [TheWizWit]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Man Attends 25-Year Nursery School Reunion
There’s more information in that der video than there is any highfalutin book or periodomodical, I’ll tells ya that much. So watch it twice to be sure you didn’t miss anything like the time I watched that episode of Hee Haw twice before I picked up on its subtle discussions regarding urban versus rural cultural manifestations in televised media. Or some such nonsense.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Here are some photos of Stuart Scott playing flag football. Of course, they encompass utter douchastisity. No, that’s probably not a word, but I’m going with it. [Busted Coverage]
• Yet another example of how Nolan Ryan is a total class act: he issued refunds to fans who were overcharged for parking fees. [Larry Brown Sports]
• I don’t get it, either: what’s a cucksocker? [Midwest Sports Fans]
• Ladies and gentlemen, allow the BCS atrocities to commence! [Rumors & Rants]
• Packers fans didn’t take too kindly to Anthony Fasano’s pseudo Lambeau Leap. Poor sports, the lot of them. [Awful Announcing]
• Peter King is having trouble with the alphabet. Again. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Sean Avery had a busy weekend. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The “Ben Crane Workout” is amusing, ineffective. [Out of Bounds]
• Ah yes, the masking tape jersey. Well played, Phillies fan. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Speaking of Phillies fans, who knew they possessed the intellectual capacity to print? [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: [video] In Focus: NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Livestrong? More like Procreatestrong, amirite?
Earlier this morning, Lance Armstrong announced via Twitter (of course) that he and his girlfriend, Anna Hansen, are the proud parents of Baby Olivia, born sometime around 2:00 a.m. ET. A subsequent tweet by Armstrong linked to a photo of the adorable, bouncing baby girl.
This is Armstrong’s second child with Hansen and his fifth overall. Perhaps the most interesting aspect regarding Armstong’s most recent addition to his brood and yet another testament to the wonders of modern science is the fact that this is the second child sired by the cyclist since undergoing treatment for testicular cancer, something which resulted in Armstrong losing one of his testicles (his first three children were conceived via sperm Armstrong “banked” prior to undergoing treatment in 1996.
As you may have heard, Baby Olivia has her own Twitter account (@cincoarmstrong), which currently has 3,481 followers, illustrating that a child born less than 24 hours ago is even more popular in the world of social media than I am. Sigh.
So there you have it, guys. Armstrong is a one-nutted procreating dynamo while you’re left with your full compliment of testes wasting your time and sperm making baby batter deposits in the tube sock you dug out of the hamper which you erroneously refer to as a sperm bank. Come on, guys, start impregnating some women. Don’t let this Armstrong guy one-up you again.
Cycling legend Lance Armstrong welcomes fifth child [New York Post]
Finally, all those dirty limericks and erotic sonnets you wrote about LeBron James after he signed with the Miami Heat can be put to good use. How, you ask? Simple: the Miami Herald, in its infinite wisdom, is holding a LeBron James Poetry Contest and whoever wins the competition will receive the thrill of reading his/her poem on the air on Miami station WLRN 91.4 FM. Not only that, said winner will also receive two – count ‘em, two – complimentary tickets to the finale event of O, Miami: A Contemporary Poetry Festival.
Wait. No Heat tickets? Just free passes to a lame-ass poetry festival? Bogus!
Here are the rules for this ill-conceived contest:
- Poem must commemorate the arrival of Lebron James to Miami
- The poem can utilize any form but cannot exceed six lines (Lebron’s jersey is #6)
- No limit to the number of poems you can submit
- The entry must be received by Friday, October 22 at 6 p.m.
Six lines? I guess my Homeric ode to King James, The Hyprocryssey, doesn’t quite conform to the Herald’s stringent, restrictive rules. Lame. Well, it’s their loss, I guess. But for those of you who would still like to cheapen and degrade your artistic expressions of your love for LeBron James in poetry form can do so by submitting it here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You’re about to become part of the machine, man. Did Allen Ginsberg ever submit his poems regarding is erotic obsession with Yogi Berra to some silly newspaper contest? I think not.
Let’s win the LeBron James poetry contest [The Basketball Jones]
To read a Norman Chad-written column is to take a twisted journey through the mind of the most irreverent oddball working in the sportswriting business. A sports journalism Everyman, if you will. Oftentimes, you finish reading something by Chad and wonder, “He actually gets paid handsomely to write this stuff?” But then, after pondering this head-scratcher for a moment or two, you arrive at the conclusion that if Rick Reilly can make millions off the derivative drivel he routinely cranks out for ESPN, there should at least be a little scratch left aside for the Norman Chads of the world. Then you are left to simply enjoy the meandering, nonsensical genius that is Norman Chad.
In his most recent column, Chad takes advertisers to task for all the crap they churn out for commercials which are aired during broadcasts of NFL games. Of course, while reading it, I could not help but think about the classic SNL skit, “Stand Up & Win”. Nevertheless, Chad, in full wiseacre mode, lets these titans of commerce have it. And believe you me, no company wants Norman Chad to lock in his cockeyed sights on their product.
