Archive for October, 2010
Talladega? More like Terroradega, amirite?
Don’t laugh if you choose, but I know Jimmy Joe would’ve liked that one, but he’s too busy whipping up a batch of his chocolate covered possum pieces for his neighborhood’s trick or treaters right now.
Happy Halloween, everyone. Some bonus Halloween goodness follows.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Tiger Woods made a public appearance at the Orlando Magic game last night. [With Leather]
• The Superdome is attempting to break the world record for largest Halloween party ever. [Ted Williams Head]
• Twenty bad-ass sports-related Jack o’ ‘Lanterns. [Bob's Blitz]
• Here’s ESPN’s Jay Crawford’s Hangover-themed Halloween costume. [Busted Coverage]
• Phillies Taser Boy costume, anyone? [Out of Bounds]
• What’s this? A LOLNFL/Always Be Covering mashup? [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Delonte West and Von Wafer got into a fight after Celtics practice. [Larry Brown Sports]
• It’s a Halloween miracle! A new “Ask Joe Thornton” post! [Melt Your Face Off]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Barry Bonds In Stands Ruins World Series For Everyone
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Citing the toll of constantly fighting off injuries and perhaps hinting at wanting to start a family, Elena Dementieva announced her retirement from competitive tennis at the ripe old age of 29. Dementieva made the announcement immediately after losing her match to Francesca Schiavone at the WTA Tour Championships earlier today.
Although a major championship just eluded her grasp (she reached the finals in both the French Open and U.S. Open in 2004) , Dementieva rose as high as the number 3-ranked female tennis player in the world, won 16 WTA titles and a gold medal at the 2008 Olympics. Via AFP:
“It’s so difficult to say goodbye,” she said, fighting back her emotions.
She explained: “When I talked to my family about this decision I was ready for them to support me, but they were very surprised.
“They said you can play a couple of years and win many tournaments – but if you feel this way you have to make this decision. I think no-one was really happy about it except my boy-friend!”
Oh. She has a boyfriend. I see how it is – I thought with her retirement, she would finally be able to make time for me in her busy, jet-setting life. Oh well, so it goes.
So, as we bid adieu to the lovely and powerful Russian tennis machine, let us celebrate her wonderful career in the most appropriate way possible…poring over the Sportress’ archives for photos of Elena. Enjoy.
Dementieva announces unexpected retirement [AFP]
To answer my own question and to speak in the manner of the Brits, as that was where the Broncos received said cricket lesson, not bloody likely, mate.
Spending the first day in London, the Denver Broncos spent a little time getting acclimated to their surroundings by receiving a cricket lesson from a pair of Surrey County cricketers. While still licking their wounds after a brutal 59-14 loss at the hands of the Oakland Raiders, the Broncos elected to show up in merry old England four days later than their opponents on Sunday, the San Francisco 49ers. But I guess doing anything different than the 49ers is probably an advisable idea.
Said head coach Josh McDaniels (via AP):
“Everything’s kind of going ahead as planned. We chose to have three good practice days back at our facility, somewhat of a normal preparation for our players, and then go ahead and make the trip in what we believe will still be enough time to get out bodies adjusted.”
Now, is dealing with jet lag anything like making the necessary adjustments to counteract the thin air in Denver, because if that’s the case, the Broncos automatically have the advantage. It’s not? And their despicable loss to the Raiders was at home, too? Oh man, the Broncos are screwed. Coach Intimidator Guy might as well throw away that ginormous wooden cross he wears around his neck now, because everything’s coming up Singletary!
Broncos get cricket lesson on Day 1 in London [AP]
Sweet holy hell, what just happened? Here I was, sitting at my desk, minding my own business when I came across the above Halloween rap video featuring semi-animated Nashville Predators players getting funky on the mic like an old batch of collard greens. Actually, there is very little funk going on at all, but I digress. They are hockey players, after all.
That’s when things apparently got out of control. The next thing I know, I come to, laying on the floor with a huge bump on my head, a wicked headache and my eyes half-stapled shut. Not only that, my fingertips are screaming bloody murder and the words “NO NO NO!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP” scratched into the walls of my office. Freaky stuff, man.
[H/T (I think) Puck Daddy]
Now that’s EXACTLY how professional ballplayers should wear their hats. Slightly-cocked and fancy-like with a little tease of the bangs to tie it all together. Oh, did I neglect to mention huge v-neck shirts underneath buttoned-down jackets? Nice. That’s the kind of rugged masculinity that’s been seriously lacking in the MLB lately.
Sadly, even Major League Baseball cannot resist the lure of Biebermania, as it has been announced that the tween freak’s new video for the song “Never Say Never” will premiere during the FOX pregame show before Game 3 on Saturday. My guess is that MLB execs are trying to appease their adolescent daughters with this abomination. Either that or they are a bunch of goddamn pederasts. Hard to say.
Bieber to debut new video during World Series [MSNBC/AP]
Courtesy of a comment from Trevor on the post earlier today about the Brian Wilson Bearded Volleyball comes news that the enigmatic bearded sphere now has it’s very own Facebook page.
God bless the internets.
A high school basketball coach in Mississippi has gotten himself into a bit of hot water due to allegations that he has been whipping his players with a weightlifting belt.
Marlon Dorsey, the head coach of the Murrah High boys basketball team, is currently under investigation by Jackson Public Schools due to his alleged questionable motivational techniques, which included whipping boys with a weightlifting belt whenever they would incorrectly run a play. A closed-door meeting was held in the school’s library between officials and concerned parents.
Remember that scene from Happy Gilmore when Happy takes the wicked slapshot that shatters the glass during hockey tryout? Yeah, I have been trying to forget about that movie, too, but after seeing Dallas Stars forward Brad Richards ‘wicked slapshot smash right through the glass above the back wall after whizzing by Kings goalie Jon Quick in the waning moments of Dallas’ 5-2 loss to Los Angeles last night, I was unfortunately reminded of the movie. Alright, it wasn’t the worst movie and had some moments, but still.
But hey, there are worse things. Something could have happened in the world of sports last night that reminded me of You Don’t Mess With The Zohan. Yikes.
Make your Holiday legendary with Captain and Cola. Join the party on Facebook.
Well, well, well, all you little ghosts, ghouls, goblins and Garanimals out there (What? I find the concept of easily coordinated children’s clothing simply terrifying…just me?) – All Hallows’ Eve is upon us once again, providing a brief opportunity to allow our macabre sensibilities to come out and play a bit.
Of course, it is universally understood that allowing our sinister sides out of their cages for a spell should only be done within an acceptable set of guidelines. The world has no need for any more Jeffrey Dahmers or Ed Geins terrorizing innocent Wisconsinites, so there certainly has to be a limit to the evilness we should feel comfortable unleashing upon our unsuspecting friends, family and neighbors.
Perhaps assisting us with tempering our respective, individual nefarious nature and whatever way it manifests is the fact that we football fans have a full slate of NFL action on Halloween to help us get through the day and night with hopefully more treats than tricks. That’s where the Sportress of Blogitude’s NFL Halloween Weekend Preview Horrorfest comes in. If I could, allow me to take a quick look at a few of the compelling games on the schedule for Halloween Sunday, incorporating some of my personal favorite horror flicks along the way.
So grab your plastic pumpkin, inflate your favorite Kooky Spooks head and follow me into the dastardly depths of the horror house that is the Sportress…IF YOU DARE!
Like most kinds of humor, jokes written out with a magic marker on a hunk of cardboard and waved to and fro during baseball games are usually a matter of taste, subject to differing opinions of what constitutes an appropriate wisecrack for a given situation.
We need to look no further than the witticism scrawled out and proudly displayed above by one Giants fan, who has taken a look at the 0-2 hole the Rangers are currently in, processed the situation and concluded that more or less, the outcome of the first two games are equivalent to a mass outbreak of sexual assaults.
So, in conclusion, at least to this individual: Rape = Funny. The “Errbody” lightens the message, I suppose, giving it a much-needed dose of whimsical illiteracy. It’s all in the delivery, really.
[H/T Midwest Sports Fans]
When there’s a chance for a big time Hollywood star to get some face time, they will almost always jump at the opportunity, which is why it shouldn’t be surprising that we had at least one celebrity sighting yesterday before the Giants faced the Rangers in Game 2 of the World Series at AT&T Park in San Francisco.
That’s right: Wilson – or more accurately, the volleyball who portrayed Wilson, whose name coincidentally enough was also Wilson – showed up for the game. I suppose this was as good a time as any for Wilson to make a rare public appearance. After shooting to fame after starring opposite of Tom Hanks in Cast Away, Wilson’s star has faded a bit – in fact, most of his work lately has consisted of bit appearances in Dick’s Sporting Goods commercials. Sure, they pay the bills, but Wilson desperately wants to be back on top.
Wilson even got into the spirit of the event, adding a beard to his trademark handprint face to show his support for Giants goofball closer, Brian Wilson. And while the Giants did not require Wilson’s services last night due to the 9-0 thrashing they laid on the reeling Rangers, it’s nice to see that even big-time celebrities like Wilson the Volleyball are getting swept up in Giants fever.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and ways you have tried getting out of failed drug tests to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• The ACLU has filed a federal lawsuit on behalf of Pennsylvania couple who allege their newborn daughter was taken away from them because the mother failed a drug test which she insists was the result of eating a poppy seed bagel. “The suit says the couple’s 3-day-old daughter was taken from the couple’s home and held for five days before authorities admitted they had made a mistake and returned the child.” Wow. Sure, that story is much worse than Elaine not being able to go visit the Massai bushmen, but at least this mother was accused of being menopausal and having the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman. [azcentral]
• Excellent interview of the one and only Bill Walton by the one and only Trey Kirby. [The Basketball Jones]
• The NFL has set up a rare conference call to review all the officiating screw-ups over the past few weeks.[Shutdown Corner]
• Here’s video of Ron Artest’s appearance with Larry King talking about raffling off the championship ring. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Ladies and germs, Lil’ Ronnie Washington. [Out of Bounds]
• UConn football coach Randy Edsal believes there is someone spying on the team’s practices. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Yamma hamma: here’s Minka Kelly showing off why she was named the sexiest woman alive. [Bob's Blitz]
• Hey, female Giants fans with nice boobs: put on a “I Bust For Posey” shirt and send a photo of you modeling it to these guys. [Busted Coverage]
• The top 10 reasons why Allen Iverson signed with a Turkish basketball team. [Five Tool Tool]
• Congratulations to Calgary Flames Craig Conroy on playing in his 1,000th game. What an adorable family to boot. [Bob's Blitz]
• Gourmet Spud addresses the adverse effect winter has on his ears with amusing results. Give him a break, he’s Canadian. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
Jagoff Giants fan Christopher Black decided to drop charges against jagoff Jets fan Ed Anzalone, a/k/a Fireman Ed, earlier today due to a little skirmish which occurred between the two during a preseason game against the Giants and Jets on August 16th at New Meadowlands Stadium. Boy, that’s a load off my overstressed mind. Whew.
Relevant quotes from both party’s attorneys (via New York Daily News):
“He’s extremely happy, and holds no ill will toward the other man,” said Anzalone’s lawyer, Jonathan Lomurro. “Now he can go enjoy the football game this Sunday.”
“Both parties are happy, and both sides made amends with each other,” said Black’s lawyer, Alexander Iler.
Well, that’s all she wrote on that one, kiddos. Now the jagoff Jets fan and the jagoff Giants fan can go back to their jagoff lives without interference by the court system. And hopefully, they will live jagoffily ever after. That’s nice. In a jagoff sort of way.
Jets fan Fireman Ed cleared of assault as Giants fan Christopher Black drops charges [New York Daily News]
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Money is so tight right now for Frank McCourt he had to rent out Dodgers Stadium for a Supercross event. Sad. [Vin Scully Is My Homeboy]
• I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised by this but the number is somewhat staggering: the talking heads on FOX’s NFL pregame show spends over 11% of the time laughing. [Ted Williams Head]
• The Pittsburgh Penguins unveiled their 2011 Winter Classic jerseys. [Puck Daddy]
• Oh, Kurt Warner. Your performances on Dancing with the Stars are downright embarrassing. [With Leather]
• Ladies and gentlemen, something new from the DSB Playhouse: As The World Series Turns. [Daddy's Sugar Ball]
• In case you haven’t heard, NBC is developing a NASCAR-based drama called The Crew. Here are some potential summaries of episodes. [TAUNTR]
• TBJ does a yeoman’s job of grading the initial batch of anti-LeBron signs. [The Basketball Jones]
• Florida Atlantic radio color commentator Dave LaMont had one helluva epic meltdown. Sheesh. [Out of Bounds]
• Who’s been screwing with the Haley’s computer? (Absolutely brilliant animated .gif ahead) [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Dolla Bill Doug and Spencer Hall have a frank discussion regarding the Cocktail Party. [EDSBS]
• I have no idea what’s going on here other than the guys of FHF wrote parody lyrics of a Hendrix tune about the Canadiens. [Four Habs Fans]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: [video] AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
