Archive for September, 2010
I would hate to be accused of going to the crazy well too often with my continued highlighting of Phoenix Coyotes goon Paul Bissonnette’s way-out-there tweets, but if he keeps tweeting about Panty Soup, Poop Towels and now, biznatches trimmin’ their units, I have little choice.
Just follow the guy already: you shan’t be disappointed.
And to all of you biznatches out there, whether or not you are one of the fortunate ones who make up BizNasty’s Biznatch Harem: of course do with your pubic area what you wish. On the other hand, if you all of sudden feel that the situation is getting a bit hairy down there (pun intended) and have decided that yes, you really should “trim ur unit” and need some manicuring ideas, Bissonnette is here for you, ladies:
In his own words, Buffalo Bills fan Ken Johnson, who has been tailgating in the same lot outside Ralph Wilson Stadium for 21 years, “saw it coming a long time ago” that the NFL and the Bills have had just about enough of his unique brand of pregame revelry, in particular his tradition of passing out shots of Polish cherry liqueur in the thumbhole of a bowling ball to passers-by . You see, according to Jeffrey Miller, the No Fun League’s director of strategic security programs, the league desires a tailgating experience that is “inclusive to everybody” and not solely an “adults-only, R-rated experience.” Lame.
Johnson is a legend in the Buffalo area. In addition to his communal offering of cherry liqueur, he is known for his red 1980 Ford Pinto, on the hood of which he grills meat. He also has a pizza oven made out of a filing cabinet and a chicken wing fryer constructed out of mailbox, and these things, at least as far as the NFL is concerned, do not conform to the family-friendly environment one should experience when attending NFL game. You know, that family-friendly environment the NFL creates which consists of fistfights in the stands, over-served, inebriated, foulmouthed morons and vomiting. Lots and lots of vomiting. Innocent, sanitized stuff like that.
A kooky character, who spends nearly $4,000 per year on his tailgate, has even been featured on The Food Network and has become something of an institution of the Buffalo tailgating experience and has a good time the same way he has been doing it for decades? That sir, cannot be tolerated in the Disney World-like atmosphere one is provided at a typical NFL game.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and cock art to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com. You know what? Forget about the cock art submissions. Way too big of a chance for that term to be misinterpreted.
• A hen owned by Wendy Thomas of Merrimack, New Hampshire is auctioning off a painting created by her dipping her hen’s feet called “Feather Fireworks” on eBay. Bidding opened at $9.99 and all proceeds will go towards rebuilding a playground in Merrimack. Weird. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Apparently, a high school team in Minnesota has been accused of criminal sexual groping during a celebration pileup this past season. Awkward. [Out of Bounds]
• Jared Allen will kill you with his bare hands…if you’re a bear. [With Leather]
• John Gruden has been assisting the coaching staff at Carrollwood Day School in Tampa. He got assessed a 15-yard penalty for berating officials. I can see that. What do you think, Jaws? [Larry Brown Sports]
• If you need yet another reason to hate Ohio State, check out this white rapper frontin’ for the Buckeyes. [Busted Coverage]
• Sean Avery leaked the third jersey for the New York Rangers. Whatta douche. [Puck Daddy]
• The Detroit Lions are even failures when it comes to picking cheerleaders. [Bob's Blitz]
• NFL “analyst” Brian Baldinger thinks Ines Sainz was “asking for it.” Hey Brian, I don’t ask to hear your bullcrap analysis but I’m still subjected to it. How’s that fair, you crooked-fingered asshole? [Shutdown Corner]
• Get some much needed tips for your love life with KSK’s Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Video of kids making amazing basketball shots. [Ted Williams Head]
• Top 10 destinations for Chargers wide receiver Vincent Jackson. (*cough* Minnesota *cough*) [Five Tool Tool]
• An amusing suggested College Gameday sign for this weekend. [Sports Pickle]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: NASCAR Struggling To Recover From Yet Another Injury-Free Season
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Man running for Louisiana Senate challenges his opponent to cage match. Bonus points if he elects to fight with the moniker “The Minority Whip.” [Out of Bounds]
• Dwight Howard has sued his baby mama for $500 million. I’m sure she has the money. [With Leather]
• The most popular fantasy football names. What, no Strong Fighters or Frozen Cavemen? By the way, that’s a super old SNL reference for you young whippersnappers. [Larry Brown Sports]
• The photo editor for Esquire had dug up some old Ines Sainz photos. I wonder what prompted him to do that? [Busted Coverage]
• Drew imagines how Ines Sainz’s visit to the Jets locker room might have went. Brilliant. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Shannon Sharpe has returned from his hiatus and is already back at CBS Sports. At least give us time to miss you, Shannon. [Awful Announcing]
• Vintage class: Carlos Pena has his own wine and the proceeds benefit the families of fallen police officers. [Ted Williams Head]
• Lame: the Blackeyed Peas are your Super Bowl halftime show “entertainment.” [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Question: was Bobby Valentine drunk during “Web Gems” the other night? Answer: when isn’t he? [Bob's Blitz]
• The “Jimmy Johnson Survivor Report” for episode 1. [Shutdown Corner]
• Ladies and gentlemen: Metallica shoes. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Guardian of the Stanley Cup previews the Blackhawks. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Derek Jeter, snubbed at The Tonys. Damn you, Scarsdale Surprise. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Difficult To Tell If T.J. Maxx Hit Hard By Recession
Send tips, link submissions, comments and complaints to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Sorry guys, you won’t be able to ogle at photos Rachel Uchitel nude anytime soon after Tiger prevented Harem Member #1 from appearing in a “totally naked except for her pubic area” photo shoot for Playboy. As an aside, does it really matter whether or not she was nude save for the pubic area? Take a look at the above photo. Cripes, if Marlee Matlin had glaucoma she could still read those lips.
A hefty $300k paycheck was on the table for Uchitel to grace the cover of the men’s magazine, but according to a report, Tiger threatened to take away her multi-million dollar settlement from him if she did the photo spread.
Via the New York Post:
“It put Rachel in significant danger of losing the millions of dollars Tiger paid her,” a source told RadarOnline.com. “The magazine wanted to mention Rachel’s relationship with Tiger, but it would have jeopardized the deal she already made with him.
“They refused to give her complete control of the cover so she could make sure Tiger wasn’t mentioned.”
Boy, I know how that goes. There is absolutely nothing worse than having stipulations agreed to under a previous contract prevent you from posing nude for a respected publication. Not that I wasn’t flattered by Totally Nude Blogger Quarterly’s lucrative offer to be their first coverboy. It was a much-appreciated boost to my self-esteem when I needed it the most. Although after reviewing a mock-up of their debut issue, I could see why the publishers did not plan to publish it monthly. The paleness is damn near blinding.
Tiger blocks former gal pal Rachel Uchitel from posing for Playboy [New York Post]
Given his experience dating high profile tail like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood, Tony Romo knows all too well what it is like to be at the nexus of the celebrity gossip universe, which makes it completely sensible that he be the one to dispense advice to Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who has been linked to Kristin Cavallari who was on that MTV show about jugs, or hills, or something or other.
Romo’s advice (via ESPN Chicago):
“It’s all what each person makes it out to be,” Romo said. “The reality is more people will have opinions, more than anything else. At the end of the day, you either develop a turtle shell to what people who really don’t matter think about you, or you don’t. You just have to be able to put blinders on, have tunnel vision, and go out and work and do what makes you be good at what you do. That stuff is fluff. It doesn’t really matter, anyway.”
Turtle shell? What the fungus? That’s horrible advice, man. What happens if some TMZ photog catches Cutler walking out of a swank, trendy Hollywood nightspot with Cavallari on his arm and flips him onto his back? What’s Cutler going to do then? I’ll tell you one thing: putting on blinders and having tunnel vision ain’t going to help Cutler off his back, much like how those same qualities don’t serve him well in Mike Martz’s quick-hitting offense.
Zing! That’s good stuff right there. I should so be writing for Leno by now.
Tony Romo: ‘Other stuff’ part of QB role [ESPN Chicago]
Dear Lord. Bravo, FOX Sports Photoshopperists, bravo.
If you do not recall the photoshop associated with the Erin Andrews column from last year at the height of Peephole gate, allow me to job your memory:
Because he’s blind to journalism’s tyranny, you see.
Clinton Portis has never let something controversial that he’s done prevent him from proceeding to do something stupid afterward relating to said controversial incident, so why stop now? Above is a screengrab from Comcast SportsNet (via D.C. Sports Bog) of Portis during his weekly availability to the media. Obviously, Portis expected most of the questioning to be about his comments about Ines Sainz, football player’s packages and whatnot, but as you can see, Portis wasn’t biting. At least he wasn’t biting through the black tape he had affixed over his mouth.
An account of how the entire guerrilla comedy routine transpired, via CBS Sports:
When asked about his remarks at his weekly media availability, the Washington Redskins running back stood at his locker and held up messages written on a spiral notebook.
Do you wish you’d never said it? Portis held up the notebook: “NO COMMENT.” Defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth, the co-star in the routine, put a piece of black athletic tape on Portis’ mouth.
What about the game coming up on Sunday? Portis flipped the notebook to another page: “THANKS FOR COMING.” Haynesworth put a second piece of tape on Portis’ mouth.
Did you make those signs? Portis responded by turning to two more pages: “GOD BLESS YOU” and then “HAVE A GOOD DAY.” Two more pieces of tape from Haynesworth.
It’s nice that Portis included Haynesworth in his courageous protest of silence. Thankfully for Haynesworth, it didn’t involve any physical comedy. Or sprints. You know, since that would have symbolized are persecution. Or something.
Portis turns to no-comment mode on female reporters [CBS Sports]
Clinton Portis’s mouth taped shut [D.C. Sports Bog]
If there is one gal who knows what its like to be judged not on the content of her abilities but solely on the size of her boobies, it’s Jenn Sterger. So it made perfect sense that someone sought her out for her take on the whole Ines Sainz controversy. The Daily Line hostess with the mostest appeared on WQAM in Miami with Sid Rosenberg this morning to discuss Sainz, Erin Andrews Peepholegate and even manages to somewhat butcher a Dave Chappelle joke during the process.
On her general take on the Ines Sainz situation:
“This is the same woman that walked into the Patriots’ locker room about a year ago and asked Tom Brady to marry her. … So we have to kind of keep this whole thing in perspective, that she’s not exactly been this shrinking violet when it comes to being on the sidelines. There’s plenty of pictures of her out there at football games, at basketball games, and she’s not exactly appropriately dressed. And this is coming from someone like me. Look, I don’t play any games … I know my past and I know my role. I’m very aware of what’s been in my wardrobe in past years. At the same time, I’m 27 now and fighting gravity. … I’ve realized that if I want to be taken seriously in the business that I’m choosing to pursue, I’ve got to dress a certain way, I’ve got to look a certain way. That’s why I had my implants removed last year. That’s why I’ve really kind of taken a more conservative turn in how I dress. … Let’s put it this way, not all jeans and white T-shirts are created equal.”
Yep, 27. It’s all downhill from here for Jenn Sterger.
She continues:
On how appearance effects the way women are viewed:
“It brings me up this great quote I remember from one of Dave Chappelle’s standup acts. You can’t dress like a hooker and then be like, ‘Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a hooker.’”
Come on! She totally messed the joke up. Allow me to illustrate.
Julien Lounis is a senior at the University of Colorado and is a die-hard Buffaloes football fan. So, when he packed his bags and made the trip out to Berkeley, California to watch his beloved squad take on Cal, he was not thrilled by, nor expected the outcome to be as one-sided as the 52-7 blowout administered by the Golden Bears last Saturday.
As many current and former college students can attest, money can be somewhat of a scarce resource during those lean years as an undergraduate (ramen, anyone?), so Lounis, in his profound disappointment at spending his hard-earned money (or the money his parents wired to him via Western Union), sought out reparations for the utter waste of a road trip.
Upon his return to campus, Lounis sent an angry e-mail to the school demanding it reimburse him for the cost of his trip. The disgruntled Lounis even attached an invoice to his e-mail totaling $401.40, which included airfare, hotel and ticket costs. Via The Denver Post:
Disappointed? I can see that. Going so far as to expect the school to pay for his trip? Gutsy move. Ridiculous, sure, but gutsy.
Not surprisingly, the response from the school did little to indicate that the desired justice Lounis was seeking via his questionable, yet strangely noble crusade would be delivered:
Ouch. That’s harsh, man. Although I suspect the negative reaction from Plati would be nothing compared to the one which would have been elicited from Buffaloes head football coach Dan Hawkins if someone had taken the time to ask him for his thoughts regarding Lounis’ demands…brother.
Unhappy football fan wants CU to pay for his California trip [The Denver Post]
Just as the most renowned Seminoles fan ever, the sexy and multi-talented Jenn Sterger, once said, nothing takes away the sting of a tough loss than wrapping your mouth around a big old wiener. Okay, perhaps Miss Sterger never said that, and frankly, hasn’t the poor girl been through enough already without hot dog-based sexual innuendo jokes? While the preceding statement might certainly be debatable, fat, juicy wieners were on the minds of at least some of the administrators at FSU when they signed a multi-year agreement with Massachusetts-based Kayem Foods, Inc. to be the official supplier of “special sausage and all-beef hot dogs during Seminole sporting events.”
Kayem Foods, Inc. is perhaps best known as the official hot dog provider of the Boston Red Sox and their world-famous Fenway Franks, but now as Seminoles fans ease into their seats at Bobby Bowden Field at Doak Campbell Stadium on Saturday to see if new head coach Jimbo Fisher can get his squad to play a little better against BYU than they did in a 47-17 drubbing last week against Oklahoma, they can at least enjoy some good old fashioned hot dogs and reminisce back to the days when Bobby Bowden reigned supreme over college football in Florida.
And I suppose the guys can instead think about Jenn Sterger wrapping her lips around their wiener, if they so choose. It’s entirely up to them.
Florida State providing new hot dogs for fans [USA Today/AP]
(head asplodes)
So, Brett Favre is Lil Wayne’s favorite football player. An avid sports fan who has put the so-called “professional analysts” to shame during numerous appearances on ESPN, is currently serving out the final several weeks of his 8-month incarceration (48 days and counting). Eager for his release so he can catch the remainder of the NFL season, the rapper’s spirits were apparently buoyed by the Favres decision to return for a 20th NFL season. According to Young Money President Mack Maine, Wayne was also thrilled to learn that when Favre finally arrived to begin preparations for the 2010 season with the Vikings, he informed Vikings tackle Bryant McKinnie that he has been keeping Lil Wayne in his prayers.
(bits of skull fragments and chunks of brain matter remaining from initial head asplosion vaporize)
Tremendously flattered by the gesture, Wayne’s elation was relayed to MTV News by Maine:
“He’s loving that,” Maine said of Wayne’s feelings about Favre’s decision to play his 20th year in the league. “That gives [Wayne] more incentive to watch this year, because that’s his favorite player. Shout-out to Brett too. Brett reached out, and he made sure I told Wayne that. That was the first thing [Brett] asked when he got back to camp, really. [Vikings tackle] Bryant McKinnie is one of our friends, B-Mac. [Favre] asked B-Mac, ‘How you been?’ B-Mac answered. And he was like, ‘How’s Wayne?’ That was his second question to B-Mac. Those two are real good friends. He said, ‘Let [Wayne] know I been praying for him and send him my love.’ So I let Wayne know that. He said, ‘You just brightened my spirits up for the rest of the month.’ He was real excited.”
Wow. Just wow. When Wayne gets out of prison, those two should definitely get in the studio together and collaborate on some tracks for one of Lil Wayne’s mixtapes. In case you haven’t heard, Brett Favre is totally O.G. (Original Gunslinga).
Lil Wayne’s Spirits Lifted By Brett Favre’s Prayers [MTV News]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump, send tips, link submissions and the several ways I have misinterpreted the storyline of Dr. Doolittle in the above post title to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Authorities in Florence, Arizona walked into an absolute nightmare when they entered a trailer home where a couple and two children resided along with 152 cats and 19 dogs. From the AP report: “The Pinal County Animal Care and Control director says there were layers of feces on the floor throughout the trailer in the Hidden Valley community just south of Maricopa.” In a way, their trailer resembled a home on that hoarders show on TLC, only with a lot more poop and cat fur. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Brooks managed to get his hands on the Jay Mariotti criminal complaint. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• C.J. Watson insists he isn’t the other man in the Mayweather kerfuffle. [Out of Bounds]
• All kinds of win. I’m not kidding, this is brilliant: KSK combines the most popular internet memes of the summer with the NFL, hilarity ensues. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• If you haven’t heard the story about the perv who was caught jerkin’ it to an SI Swimsuit Issue in the toy aisle of a Walmart, here you go. [Busted Coverage]
• My pal Ryan Ballengee, who happens to run one of the finest golf blogs on the internets, landed an interview with Tiger Woods. Sure, it was one question and it was via Twitter, but it’s still pretty bad ass. [Waggle Room]
• Gross: Rush Limbaugh refers to Ines Sainz as “bootylicious.” I don’t know why that fat bastard had to go and ruin it for everyone. [Bob's Blitz]
• The new NBA 2K11 commercial is pretty cool. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The top 15 ways LeBron James can work himself back into our good graces. [Five Tool Tool]
• Tom Brady has now appeared on 12 Sports Illustrated covers, tying Joe Montana by the most ever by an NFL player. It’s high time that guy got the coverage he deserves. [Shutdown Corner]
• Clippers rookie Al-Farouq Aminu is a geeky dweeb. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Second-Most Popular Kid In School Assumes Power Following Death Of Star Quarterback
Ha. Banannabis Foster.
Far out, man.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:• Holy crap, this Seabreacher X watercraft looks like a shark and is bad-frickin’-ass. [With Leather]
• OH NOS! Tom Brady said something critical about Patriots fans! [Larry Brown Sports]
• Mexican drug kingpin guy loves rockin’ his San Antonio Spurs t-shirt. [Out of Bounds]
• So, uh, the new general manager of the CFL’s Edmonton Eskimos is a sex offender. That’s nice. [SPORTSbyBROOKS]
• Remember that XFL “star,” He Hate Me? You’ll never guess what he’s up to now. You’re right! Not football. But he is acting. [Shutdown Corner]
• Yeah, I’d have to agree: working as medical personnel for the Lingerie Football League would be pretty cool. [Busted Coverage]
• Some fake squad was pretending to the be the Togo National Team. Weird. [The Slanch Report]
• Kentucky recruit pulls off an amazing hurdle over a defender, scores a touchdown. [Ted Williams Head]
• Man, Pau Gasol looks completely out of it in this photo. [Bob's Blitz]
• KSK relaunches another one of their awesome NFL regular season features: Meast/Least of the Week. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• In its continuing celebrity preview series, President Obama takes a look at the Washington Capitals. [Melt Your Face Off]
• Hey, just so you know, the Minnesota Timberwolves are on the lookout for a dominant player. If you happen to know one, would you let the T-Wolves know? [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: Government Encroachment On Individual Liberties At All-Time High, Says Guy At Party
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
