Archive for September, 2010
And let me tell you that in the spectrum of made up maladies, Insomnorexia is one of the worst, except for Queerosexuality – especially in Dallas. On the other hand, Constirrhea is pretty bad, too, although I have no idea how that condition manifests itself. Perhaps this is a discussion for another time.
What is important is the horrible effects the brutal start of the Cowboys’ season is having on head coach Wade Phillips’ health.
Sean Hagan, the 17-year-old Philly Catholic school student whose wild, spandex-enhanced antics during the 7th inning of the Phillies-Braves game at Citizens Bank Park on Monday got him a night in a juvenile detention facility was released yesterday into the custody of his extremely disappointed parents. The best part? Since a person is usually released with the same clothes they were wearing when arrested (not that I would know, of course), Hagen was still wearing his Red Man getup. And the look on the cops faces in the above screencap? Beyond priceless. I only wonder if the cops made him wear that thing in the holding cell all night. Awkward.
Comical video of the Red Man’s release from custody follows.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and erotic The Facts of Life fanfic to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A study by German scientists has revealed that European brown hares can have simultaneous pregnancies (called superfetation) and can even become permanently pregnant. From the data assembled, lead researcher Dr. Kathleen Roellig has concluded, “Therefore we think superfetation might be an evolutionary adaptation to increase reproductive success.” How Durggarrific! [Yahoo!/Reuters]
• That Colts fan who had to have Brandon Jacobs’ helmet snatched out of his clutches speaks, says the security guards were meanie-weenies. [Out of Bounds]
• Andy Reid does a complete one-eighty, which made him extremely tired and kind of dizzy, so he took a nap. After waking up and having a snack, he named Michael Vick the starter for next Sunday. [The700Level]
• The New York tabloids had a field day with Braylon Edwards’ arrest. [Busted Coverage]
• Corey Pavin and his comely wife defend her sultry photo shoot. [Wei Under Par]
• Holy moly, this five-year-old kid really hates Auburn. [Bob's Blitz]
• Video of a grandstand collapse during a car race. [Ted Williams Head]
• The guy who invented Trivial Pursuit previews the upcoming season for the Montreal Canadiens. [Melt Your Face Off]
• It’s incredibly rare, but here are five times a player took less money [Unathletic]
• How do you solve a problem like Lou Holtz? [Awful Announcing]
• God explains Week 2 of the NFL season. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Nick Lachey is a professional baseball champion? [The Slanch Report]
• The top 10 reasons the Jets are allowing Braylon Edwards play this weekend. [Five Tool Tool]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Weird Coworker Knows Where Every NFL Player Went To College
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Radio talk show host claims that the heart attack suffered by Michigan State’s head coach Mike Dantonio was God’s way of getting him back for beating Notre Dame. [Out of Bounds]
• Browns center Mack Brown doesn’t like his junk being grabbed. [With Leather]
• The best: LOLNFL for Week 2. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Braylon Edwards continues to have trouble catching things. Now it’s cabs. [TAUNTR]
• Headline: “Greatest Use Of Boobs, A Fire Truck & Carolina Panthers Jerseys We’ve Ever Seen.” I’m inclined to agree. [Busted Coverage]
• The character Al Bundy from Married With Children was Steve Bartman before Steve Bartman was Steve Bartman. [The Slanch Report]
• Matt Diaz doesn’t only play baseball, he is also apparently a ballpark security guard. [Walkoff Walk]
• To answer the question posed in the headline of the linked post: yes, it is perfectly appropriate to burn this American flag hockey jersey atrocity. [Puck Daddy]
• LaVar Arrington appears to not be a fan of Brett Favre’s. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: I Have Proof That For the Past 3 Months, The CIA Has Been Running A Covert Operation To Make This An Awesome Summer (By Arthur Paik)
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Always willing to spread the Good Word, NFL coaching legend and NASCAR icon Joe Gibbs addressed a group of 600 inmates from South Carolina today and informed them that religion is a means through which they can turn their lives around. But instead of going with a straightforward approach, Gibbs decided that in order to truly get through to these convicts, he better go with some sports metaphors. Fair enough, but in my opinion, he got a little too heavy-handed with his “Christianity as Sport” metaphors. Via The Miami Herald/AP:
So, let me get this straight. In Gibbs metaphorical world where football is easily translated into Christianity, Drew Brees has got to be Jesus, right? If the Bible is a spiritual playbook, does that mean the Book of Revelation is where all the trick plays would be located? And what happens if God decides to institute a lockout right on the eve of the End of Days? What then? Does humanity have any kind of collective bargaining agreement with God to protect our interests or not? So many questions.
And why did Coach Gibbs stop there? Why didn’t he say that in way, baptism into the Christian faith is a lot like a soak in the ice tub after a heated spiritual battle on the Godiron? Or even better, he should have just told them that salvation could be theirs if only they would accept Jesus Christ as their fantasy football team’s starting quarterback. You know, with fantasy sports enjoying such tremendous popularity these days, my guess is that angle would have went over like gangbangers. Er, I mean gangbusters.
NASCAR icon Gibbs tells SC inmates to trust God [The Miami Herald/AP]
The MLS has elected to only fine, not suspend, New York Red Bulls player Thierry Henry after he inadvertently injured FC Dallas goalie Kevin Hartman last Thursday while kicking the soccer ball out of the goalkeeper’s control. Just before halftime, the Red Bulls tied up the score and as Hartman was set to the put the ball back into play, Henry rushed in and booted the ball, causing Hartman to shatter to the ground in a pile of broken glass. Or at least that would be the appropriate metaphor to illustrate the violence of the impact which injured the goalie.
The league’s disciplinary committee ruled that Henry’s actions were “unsporting” but not suspension worthy, a decision that drew the ire of Hartman’s agent, Ron Waxman (via The Washington Post):
“The members of the disciplinary committee should be embarrassed and ashamed,” he told the Insider. “It’s either no punishment or there must be a suspension. I’m sorry to discover that they’ve established a double standard for the treatment of their marquee players as opposed to the treatment of their rank and file.
“I hope the committee members can look themselves in the mirror at halftime of that game while Kevin Hartman, who was having a much better year than Henry, sits at home recovering from an injury at the hands of a reckless action, which is going virtually unpunished.”
Rawr. I don’t mean to quibble nor am I refuting the claim that Hartman was injured during the play, but really? Take a look at the video and then explain to me how in any way, shape or form that minor collision should have resulted in a debilitating injury. With that in mind, Hartman would be wise to never allow one of those reflex tests to be done on him where the doctor taps a person’s knee with a tiny mallet. If the horrific injury he suffered above by Hartman is any indication, a blunt force trauma like that would probably cause his knee to explode.
Thierry Henry fined, not suspended for incident [The Washington Post]
I am now convinced: Bryant Gumbel is some kind of smooth-talking, smarmy soothsayer. Or at least someone working behind the scenes at his critically-acclaimed HBO show must be. How else can you explain the timeliness of the show’s report on something called “Mascot Boot Camp”? Above is merely a preview of the report, but given that Mascot-Tacklegate is still an incredibly fresh story, the foresight displayed by Gumbel to previously dispatch one of his journalist minions to this Mascot Boot Camp for a report before the story broke is remarkably prescient.
Great work, Bryant Gumbel. Here’s a couple “Hmm…hmm-hmm. Mmm…mmm. Hmm-hmm. Hmm-hmm” for ya.
[H/T Crave Online]
Michael Mangrum, a 21-year-old wrestler with the Oregon State Beavers, was arrested and charged early Sunday morning with third-degree criminal mischief after getting into a fistfight with a yard light in an apartment complex. To be fair to the young man, it’s a good thing the police report indicated he was intoxicated, because if a person is arrested at 3 o’clock in the morning for an impromptu brawl with an inanimate object and they are found to be stone cold sober, well, that ain’t good. And if this particular yard light was talking some serious smack – which is entirely possible – it most assuredly deserved a severe beatdown.
Further, Mangrum was allegedly confused and thought he was at a different apartment complex, one where a friend of his lives, so you can see that by just sitting there doing what a yard light does, it likely appeared to Mangrum that the yard light was mocking his confusion and disorientation, and that kind of stuff just doesn’t fly with wrestlers.
This isn’t Mangrum’s first go-round with the criminal justice system, either. Via the Corvallis Gazette-Times:
Last year, Mangrum pleaded guilty to a charge of second-degree disorderly conduct stemming from a fight that sent one man to the hospital. Mangrum was sentenced to a diversion program but failed to complete it within the designated time period, which resulted in a sentence of one year of probation in March. He also was ordered to complete 100 hours of community service and undergo an alcohol evaluation and any recommended treatment.
Yeah, it’s safe to say this arrest will not help matters. But that fact that he totally kicked a yard light’s ass (or bulb?) kind of makes me want to be just like him. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights. Oh, and an irrational hostility towards things that help you see in the dark. Definitely need that.
Mangrum in trouble again [Corvallis Gazette-Times]
Worst. Go. Daddy. Ad. Ever.
I don’t know whether to praise the fine folks over at The Slanch Report or curse them to eternal damnation for bringing to light this nightmare fueled photo of Danica Patrick, the greatest barely average auto racer of this time or any other, and how it depicts how she agreed to sign a young man’s sizable moobs. Thanks for the mammaries, I guess.
I mean, jeez, get a look at how Cletus is able to take a generous scoop of man-breast flesh in each hand and squeeze them together. Chilling. It’s almost enough to induce the activation of one’s gag reflex. But does his milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? You know, the yard littered with auto parts, soiled couches and broken kitchen appliances.
[H/T The Slanch Report]
Check out the cojones on Big Bad Bob Costas!
During an appearance on “The Dan Patrick Show,” Costas, a man who generally avoids controversy, refuses to say anything that could be deemed hypercritical and practically falls over himself when praising the inherent, timeless, unchangeable qualities of his beloved Major League Baseball, took a shot at Bud Selig’s opinion on the role of instant replay in baseball and how it will remain as is for the playoffs.
First, Selig’s statements (via MLB.com):
“I had a [conference] call with my committee last week, and I brought it up,” Selig said Monday night, responding to questions by reporters covering the memorial unveiling in honor of the late George Steinbrenner at Yankee Stadium. “I talk with a lot of managers and general managers, and I don’t get the feeling that there’s a lot of support for it — at least in the conversations they have with me.
“I’m willing to consider it, but it’s a complicated subject. Our committee said we need to study it more. We’ll continue to look at it. There’s no question baseball is a game of pace, and one needs to be very sensitive about it.”
Utter ridiculousness, to be sure, but who else is surprised that the voice screaming out of the darkness calling out Selig would be Bob Costas? Here’s a brief excerpt (via SI) of Costas’ remarks on Patrick’s show (you can listen to segment in its entirety here):
Live long and prosper, Bob Costas. I think I might like the new, reckless, devil-may-care attitude he is utilizing here. It’s almost like Costas is also incorporating a Klingon’s warrior mentality into his personality as well. Or something.
Costas rails against lack of replay, comments on Torre’s future [SI]
Replay expected to remain as is in playoffs [MLB.com]
What? It wouldn’t have been the first time someone had an escalator accident in a New York area stadium and sadly perished. I am, of course, referencing the fatal fall of one Antonio Nararainsam, who tragically plunged two stories to his death in April of 2008 after attending a Mets game at Shea Stadium.
I suppose I could have also referred to the three people who sustained injuries in December of 2007 at Giants stadium after an escalator malfunctioned.
I suppose what I am getting at is that escalator mishaps are hilarious, especially when it involves an inebriated Jets fan (this one apparently occurred during the Jets-Ravens game in Week 1) and doesn’t result in a death or serious injuries. I believe that is something we can all agree upon – I mean, look at the piss drunk c**k. What a drunken loser. If his fall isn’t worthy of mocking and ridicule, what is? Although I will admit there may have been an occasion or two when, for some reason or another, gravity decided to suddenly begin working against me, but that was a long time ago in a different chapter of my life. I was an astronaut, you see.
[H/T Busted Coverage]
Holy gigantic fifty gallon drums of makeup foundation, Batman!
Buckle up, kiddos, because beginning next week, you will finally be able to experience the 1080i (or 720p) wonder of watching Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, Tony Reali, and (gah!) Woody Paige as well as all the other cast of characters who appear on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption and Around the Horn in high definition glory. The transition to HD, originally announced last year, coincides with the two shows moving to the ABC News studios in Washington, D.C.
It’s been awhile since we last took a fun-filled ride on Ron Artest’s Kooky Cavalcade of Craziness, so I thought what better way to start off the day than with this quote from the Ron-Man he made during a promotional appearance for the Lakers in San Diego on Monday. Artest suggested that the cities of Los Angeles and San Diego should trade the NBA’s Clippers for the NFL’s Chargers.
From the Orange County Register (via Pro Basketball Talk):
“Maybe we can swap, the Chargers for the Clippers. No disrespect to the Clippers. You can have them back. I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way. I really like the Clippers, but I feel they deserve their own fan base because in L.A. they’re overshadowed. The Clippers deserve a shot at having their own identity.”
That is one of the more sensible things I have read recently. The Clippers did play in San Diego from 1978-1984 and Los Angeles does want even an NFL team (even though they have never proved they deserve one), so in some ways, Artest’s suggestion, however strange, may have an element of real world applicability to it.
Now, I don’t have the slightest idea who this doppelganger is and why he was claiming to be Ron Artest in San Diego yesterday, but the fact that this impostor was able to articulate cogent, well-reasoned thoughts which are typically not part of Artest’s repertoire cause me to wonder what exactly is going on here. Maybe Artest is like Michale Keaton’s character in that movie Multiplicity. Perhaps all the demands on Artest to be bats**t crazy at all times and in all places have now become unmanageable for the enigmatic basketball player and cloning himself was the only option. Yep. An army of Ron Artest clones running wild in the streets, performing good works in an off-kilter, Artestian fashion. That’s the ticket.
Artest: Let’s trade Clippers to SD for Chargers [Orange County Register (via Pro Basketball Talk)]
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions and dirty limericks to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A Michigan man will not face jail time but could be assessed a fine of up to $250 for urinating on the side of the Royal Oak police station before entering the building to file a police report in an unrelated, non-public urination matter. [Yahoo!/AP]
• Denver Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley found dead, apparently from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Horrible. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Braylon Edward reportedly busted for DUI earlier this morning. [Bob's Blitz]
• The fix was in on the attack on the Ohio State Buckeyes mascot! [Out of Bounds]
• The worst penalty kick ever. [Ted Williams Head]
• Sweet Christ, could they have made George Steinbrenner’s monument any bigger? [Walkoff Walk]
• If the headline “Race Baiting Animal Hating Columnist Plays Race Card” doesn’t prompt you to click through, I don’t know what would. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Five theories as to why Kurt Warner joined Dancing with the Stars. [Joe Sports Fan]
• Seattle Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez has been pitching like a King but supported like a pauper. [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]
• Awesome: one of my favorite all-time features on the internets, FCL Finishes The Headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Guy At Bar Complaining About His Job Turns Out To Be Eli Manning
