Archive for September, 2010
Ahhh…a red snapper…very tasty.
Even though I am good Minnesotan and love the great outdoors, with the fishing and the hiking and canoeing and whatnot, it is a topic which is rarely addressed here at the Sportress. But when I came across this story from David A. Brown about the return of the red snapper to the Gulf of Mexico, my mind hearkened back to one of my favorite movies of all-time, Weird Al’s UHF, and one of my favorite bits from the movie, “Wheel of Fish.”
And for those of you who have never seen the movie, I have but one thing to say to you:
STUPID!! You’re so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!!!
Red snapper returned [ESPN]
If, you know, websites actually had buttholes, but I suppose that goes without saying. And who knows, maybe ESPN.com would rather enjoy having something shoved up its bunghole. Hard thing to gauge, really.
Moving on – thankfully – the above image is a screencap from Marc Stein’s column, “Miami’s big three ready to work” on ESPN.com. Apparently, the team-specific page, which every team in the NBA is afforded on tWWL’s site, will not be sufficient to adequately cover Miami Heat-related mania. Nope, ESPN.com will be rolling out something called “Heat Index,” which is a “special section tracking all the team’s moves in MIA.”
I first learned of this new feature last night when I woke up from a nightmare – I was at ESPN HQ in Bristol, and they had a chamber terrifyingly similar to the Ministry of Love’s Room 101 from Nineteen Eighty-Four and miniature versions LeBron, Bosh and Wade with rat tails and menacing teeth were set to devour my face off, but I digress. Anyway, I had fallen asleep while watching Monday Night Football and SportsCenter was on. I cannot remember which anchor was reporting on the launch of the “Heat Index” but the shame he was feeling while announcing such a ridiculous thing was palpable.
Like I mentioned, apparently the Miami Heat’s team page just won’t be enough to satisfy our insatiable hunger for Miami Heat-related news and information. Did Chris Bosh take a poop in the morning before he left for practice or did he wait until he arrived at the team’s facilities? Which shoe does Dwyane Wade put on first? Does LeBron have a soul? These are the kinds of things you will likely learn at “Heat Index.” Oh, joyous day!
Thanks, ESPN.com!
I hope the extra cash in the tills was worth it for O’Brien’s Irish Pub & Grill in Tampa, because I imagine wheels are already in motion and orders are being handed down by the iron-fisted leaders of the NFL Gestapo to have its coldblooded agents to descend upon the bar and ransack the damn place after it egregiously elected to broadcast the Buccaneers-Steelers game on Sunday despite the fact it was supposed to be blacked out locally since the game was not sold out within 72 hours of kickoff.
O’Brien’s is actually a rogue Steelers bar operating in foreign territory, so the reasons to ignore the repressive edicts from the NFL’s Secret Police were twofold. More importantly, how was O’Brien’s able to circumvent the ironclad rules typically enforced with alarming precision? The internet, of course!
Crikey! Rarely has one singular event been so objectionable, fascinating yet completely misogynistic all at the same time, a trifecta of degradation, if you will. What I am referring to is the Bikini Track Sprint at the Gold Coast Turf Club in Queensland, Australia. Inspired by the Bikini Beach Mile (above), an annual event held at the Hollywood Park in Inglewood, California which some of you might already be familiar with, the Bikini Track Sprint the event is scheduled for December 4th in the Land Down Under (where women run and men stare in wonder) and will feature women placed in a starting gate who will then race wearing only bikinis. Now this is exactly the kind of event Ines Sainz should be covering.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, link submissions, comments and complaints to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• A group of thieves with a now satisfied case of the munchies are still on the loose after they stole a Little Debbie delivery van in Wichita. The thieves dumped the van after feasting upon the Little Debbie goodness but before they did, they littered the streets with empty snack cake boxes. Mmm…delicious felony. [MSNBC]
• Phillies fans had to celebrate the team’s NL East title in the dark. [Out of Bounds]
• Tampa Bay Rays fans apparently don’t care enough about their team to show up to the crappy stadium the Rays play in. [Big League Stew]
• Here are some photos from inside the Phillies clubhouse as they celebrated their NL East title. [The700Level]
• Was Packers safety Nick Collins was allegedly called a racial slur by a Bears fan, at least that’s what FOX 6 Sports was tweeting. [Busted Coverage]
• ESPN has no idea who Julius Peppers is, misidentifies another Bears player as him during SportsCenter. [Awful Announcing]
• Charlie Weis delayed emergency gall bladder surgery so he could be with the Chiefs. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Check out photos of blogger extraordinaire Matt Ufford with a freshly shaved head, rainbow metallic snakeskin short-shorts, a matching headband. It was for charity, so it’s all good. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• LeBron James got posterized. [That NBA Lottery Pick]
• Video of a pretty nasty thrown elbow in a soccer match. [Bob's Blitz]
• Australian Rules Football fan gets a penis tattoo to show support for his team. [The Slanch Report]
• Bo Jackson: back doing commercials. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Guy brandishes a samurai sword in a convenience store due to a dispute over a baseball card. Makes sense. [The Last Angry Fan]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Guy At Bank Has Weird Hair For Guy Who Works At Bank
From what I can gather, JJ takes Chase Race #2. If that’s the case, in your face (insert other NASCAR driver’s name here).
You see, that rhymed and stuff.
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
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• Fans of MLS squad Chicago Fire have some Super Mario Bros-based fun. [Out of Bounds]
• Congrats to my buddy Bob and his getting a stripper from Rick’s Cabaret to wear a Bob’s Blitz shirt. [Bob's Blitz]
• This is indeed the most terrifying image from College Gameday last week and I can say that without even watching the pregame show. [EDSBS]
• Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith: still grabbing other dude’s balls. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Here’s video of David Beckham angrily confronting a heckler. [You Been Blinded]
• Jayson Werth lookalike painted gold? Jayson Werth lookalike painted gold. [Big League Stew]
• Tim Lincecum doesn’t want to play with your dried-out balls so stop e-mailing him about it. [Walkoff Walk]
• Unsilent Majority takes a crack at mocking a Peter King column and does a damn good job of it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Former Eagles starting quarterback Kevin Kolb’s LinkedIn profile. [TAUNTR]
• Tim Allen previews the Colorado Avalanche. He does need the work. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The playoffs in golf are in good in concept, bad in execution. [Waggle Room]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: New ‘Do Not Kill’ Registry To Allow Americans To Opt Out Of Being Murdered
Send tips, link submissions, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Finally, an online social game that is appealing to those who find themselves within the societal subset which is comprised of folks who love college sports but tend to avoid human contact because they find legitimate, real world interaction with a living, breathing person completely terrifying. That’s right, launching today is ESPNU College Town a sports-themed social game which can be played on Facebook created by ESPN in cooperation with social games product group Playdom. But here’s the rub: what about my fake Facebook farm and buying people imaginary shots and whatnot? Will I still have time to do those things when I decide they are no longer insanely idiotic wastes of time? I hope so.
…so it made perfect sense that he would utilize one of his off-ice passions and photograph several NHL stars in New York City to help raise awareness for the NHL’s Hockey Fights Cancer month, which takes place in October. And no, it had absolutely nothing to do with the Timeless Art of Seduction.
Assisted with tips from Vanity Fair contributing photographer Bruce Weber, Miller photographed Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist, Bruins center Patrice Bergeron, Canadiens forward Michael Cammalleri, Lightning center Steven Stamkos and Kings defenseman Drew Doughty all wearing the lavender ties and T-shirts that NHL coaches, front office personnel, broadcasters and team representatives will be wearing all October.
Photos from Miller’s shoot follow.
Tony Romo Is A Fancy, Flat Cap-Wearing Fop
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I don’t typically make it a routine practice to catch Tony Romo pressers, so I am not aware as to whether or not the flat cap is an integral part of Romo’s fashion when typically interacting with the Dallas media, but if that is the case, I find it hard to believe the God-fearin’, cowboy hat-sportin’ good ol’ boys down Dallas way are much too fond of their quarterback’s questionable forays into ninny (or is it hipster?) fashion. All men in Texas wear cowboy hats, right?
All I know is if I were there at the press conference, I wouldn’t know whether to ask Romo about the game or ask him who is covering his shift selling newspapers down on the street corner.
What’s next for fashion forward headwear guy Tony Romo? A porkpie? Perhaps a bowler? Wait, I know what would make a huge splash: how about a fez? Yeah, that would be awesome.
(screencap via)
The local police in the Australian city of Geelong have had just about enough of the law-violating professional bicyclists who are cluttering up their town as they train for the World Championships which begin on Wednesday. The majority of the complaints the police have been fielding from irate citizens is the bicyclists’ refusal to stop at red lights, frequently blowing right through them without a care in the world.
One of the more humorous aspects of the report in the The Times: while Michael Palmer, the organising committee general manager for the International Cycling Union (UCI), was conceding that indeed some of the bicyclists have been ignoring road rules, a bunch of riders were blowing through a red light a short distance from where he was speaking (via The Telegraph)
“Stopping at red lights is something they don’t spend a lot of time bothering about. Basically people out driving around Geelong need to keep a bit of an eye out. We’re working with the teams to make sure they understand they’ve got to abide by the road rules, but there’s plenty of examples … there goes another one. We’ll be talking with them to make sure they stop doing that.”
Ha. There goes another one. Good stuff. What is not good stuff is the self-righteous, nearly combative attitudes of many of the amateur douchebag cyclists I frequently come into contact with on the weekends as they pedal about in their skin tight outfits and helmets acting like they are the kings and queens of the freaking road. Yeah, I see you there, hotshot. It’s kind of hard to miss a guy wearing neon green cycling shorts and sporting an aerodynamic helmet while he circles around at a stoplight acting as though the stoplight is some kind of major inconvenience which he shouldn’t have to deal with – go ahead, cycling asshole: ride through it and see if that flatbed truck going 60 miles-per-hour cares about how much you cannot adequately gauge of your time is improving since you started using Power Bars as suppositories.
And another thing, don’t you hate their holier-than-thou attitudes and the way they look down their noses at you because you’re in a car? Hey, jagoff Lance Armstrong wannabe: I have a bunch of crap to do today and the thought of trying to carry 10 bags of groceries while pedaling a goddamn bike doesn’t really sound very appealing. Also, while running errands, I’d rather not be sweating like a whore in church the entire time. Sorry.
World Championship Cycling: police in Geelong angered as riders break law [The Telegraph]
Never Mind The Buttocks, Here’s Your Walking Papers!
William Miller, a volunteer assistant football coach for the Boys And Girls High School (what about transgendered kids? Are they not allowed to attend this school?) in Brooklyn was relieved of his duties after an ugly incident over the weekend where he dropped trou and mooned the fans of the opposing team after a controversial ending to a game.
Miller made his ass a central character when he showed it to the fans of rival Campus Magnet after a melee ensued between coaches and school safety officers which escalated to involve pushing and shoving.
Get this: if it isn’t bad enough for Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon that he and his teammates have been reduced to spending the last several weeks of the season playing out the string with no hopes of making the playoffs, he also had to suffer the ultimate indignity of pitching in a game where the umpire behind the plate had an inconsistent strike zone. Holy crap! Alert the media!
Papelbon was incredibly annoyed about what he believes was a crappy game behind home plate for veteran umpire Phil Cuzzi after he blew his 8th save of the season (1.0 IP, 3H, 1 BB, 1ER) in Boston’s 4-3, extra-inning loss to the Yankees Sunday.
“It was really tough tonight. Considering I’m not only pitching against the hitter, I’m pitching against the umpire,” Papelbon said. “I mean, when you’ve got to do that against this lineup, you’ll never be successful. It just won’t happen.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the first pitcher in major league history to have to deal with such an affront to his pitching magnificence!
Justin Timberlake was in Bristol at the ESPN campus yesterday to promote his new film, The Social Network (which I have heard is finest acting performance by a former boy band member since Nick Lachey’s six episode arc portraying character Leslie St. Claire on Charmed) by making appearances on the Sunday morning edition of SportsCenter and Sunday NFL Countdown.
I missed JT’s appearance with Hannah Storm depicted in the above photograph, but from what I can ascertain by Hannah’s body language, you could have cut the sexual tension on that set with a plastic, ESPN cafeteria knife.
According to an insider on the Sportress’ payroll (I refer to him as Mr. Imagination Guy In My Brain), things got a little awkward between Mrs. Storm and Justin Timberlake after their little televised give-and-take.
Or is it not ironic? The true irony of it all is that damn song confused me as to what that word actually means.
Jim Heselden, one of Britain’s leading philanthropists who acquired the the Segway company in 2009 and was believed to be worth around $265 million tragically died on Sunday when he accidentally drove one of his personal mobility transporter contraptions off a cliff near his estate in Yorkshire, England.
Via MSNBC:
According to the British media, Heselden, 62, plunged into the River Wharfe while riding a rugged country version of the two-wheeled transporter on Sunday.
“Police were called at 11.40 a.m. yesterday to reports of a man in the River Wharfe, apparently having fallen from the cliffs above,” a spokesman told The Daily Mail.
A Segway was recovered from the scene. “At this time we do not believe the death to be suspicious,” the spokesman added.
Nope. Certainly not suspicious. Profoundly tragic yet humorous in a completely twisted, macabre sort of way? Absolutely.
Segway company owner rides scooter off a cliff [MSNBC]
