Archive for September, 2010
Above is one Evan Pittman. He’s 11-years-old, 4’10″ and weighs 85 pounds. But here’s the kicker that makes him a Weed Against Speed ass-kicker: the little bastard can deadlift over 250 pounds. He’s deadlifting 225 pounds in the above photo.
Pittman is the owner of 19 world records and five national powerlifting records. Not bad for a sixth-grader who once cried all the way home after losing his first tawkondo match. Pittman doesn’t watch cartoons at all or there is a no television policy at his house during the week. Not that he would have time for it, given his busy schedule which includes “diving practice, plyometrics at home, outdoor taekwondo practice, violin practice, studying, church and the father-son 2.5-mile run.” What in the hell are plyometrics? Crap, I don’t even have the energy to look it up.
Via a very informative profile of the kid on Tampa Bay Online:
He has also won five state championships and two Junior Olympic Games gold medals in taekwondo Olympic sparring in the past two years and is on the diving team in his first semester at Tampa Prep. He also runs track and is an accomplished violinist and straight A student.
Evan says it was his love of taekwondo and his competitive spirit that led him to powerlifting in the first place.
“I started powerlifting to help my taekwondo and I also wanted to do well on the Presidential Physical Fitness Award at school,” he says. “Powerlifting helps my speed, flexibility and agility.”
That’s all very impressive, but does he write a marginally-successful sports blog? Didn’t think so. If he could, he’d be doing a helluva lot better than me, that’s for sure.
This Tampa 11-year-old deadlifts 200-plus pounds [Tampa Bay Online]
Hoo boy. Nothing wrong with that, kids.
During an appearance earlier today on Live With Regis and Kelly, 43-year-old milfy goddess Dara Torres formally announced that, after taking a year off to recover from reconstructive knee surgery, she has begun training in an attempt to qualify for the 2012 Olympic Games in London. It would be the sixth Olympics she would have competed in and if she qualifies – and heck, why in the hell would anyone doubt that she will – Torres will be forty-freaking-five years old.
Anderson Cooper, subbing in for Regis (on a side note: is Regis even still alive? Is he ever on the show anymore? 10-1 odds the guy has been dead for years), asked Torres about her age then set her up to make her “big announcement” (via Swimming World):
“A lot of people made the fact that my age was such a big deal and I think that completely worked to my advantage,” Torres said. “I surrounded myself with good coaches and trainers. I knew what to do about nutrition. The thing about any elite athlete is they have to be so careful about what they put in their bodies because of drug tests. I especially get tested all the time. It’s scary, I can’t use Visine.”
“I am 43 years old,” Torres said, “but that’s not the announcement. The announcement is that I just started training for the 2012 Olympics.
“I wanted to get back into swimming on my terms,” Torres said. “I just started training with the kids again and they are all giving me grief and teasing me. I have huge goggles and they asked me if windshield wipers come with them.
“It’s going to be fun being back again,” Torres said. “It depends on what my body dictates. I know that I am more susceptible to injury. Now that I’m a little bit older, it’s going to be even harder than when I was 41.”
Seriously, take a good look at that woman. Forty-three years old, my friends. Can you possibly begin to imagine the kinds of things Dara Torres could teach you? I meant in the pool, guys! C’mon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still talking about sex here, but not just regular old sex – I mean aquatic sex. Haven’t you heard? Aquasex can be an exhilarating, incredibly erotic endeavor. So I’ve heard. Just don’t try pulling it off during a Senior Water Aerobics class at the YMCA. Now on that topic I can speak to from experience. It was like trying to get it on while going through a flabby armed spanking machine [H/T Cosmo Kramer]
Dara Torres Announces She’s Returned To Training, Gearing Up for 2012 Olympic Run [Swimming World]
In case you aren’t a fan of “America’s Team” (shame on you) and don’t follow every development about the team with breathless anticipation and a fervor bordering on cult-like obsession, you may have missed the news that Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips used some of his free time in the offseason to shed a few unwanted pounds – 40 big ones, to be exact. Certainly a remarkable achievement for the portly head coach and if I were him, I’d be proud of myself, too.
Phillips was provided an opportunity to gloat a bit about his new, um, svelte figure during an appearance on KRLD radio in Dallas, where he also let people in on a little weight-loss secret which served him quite well: gallons and gallons of Diet Dr. Pepper.
“Well, Diet Dr. Pepper, you know? I used to drink a lot of Cokes and stuff, and when I went to Diet Dr. Pepper, that helps some. Obviously working out, and I actually did NutriSystem some. So a combination of things.”
Ah yes, the magical properties of diet soft drinks. Sure, he could have gone the water route as a healthier choice, but were you aware of the fact that Diet Dr. Pepper has zero freaking calories? How do they do that? That Pepper guy isn’t merely a doctor, he’s a goddamn supernatural alchemist!
What do you mean there has never been such a person named Dr. Pepper? Next thing you’re going to tell me is Mr. Clean isn’t an honest-to-goodness, real life homosexual pirate with a fetish for cleanliness. Just so you know, I’m not buying what you’re selling.
Regardless of how Phillips lost the weight, a hearty congratulations is in order. Losing weight is neither an enjoyable nor an easy process. And while he did not mention it as one of his weight loss secrets, I have a pretty good idea how he dropped at least some of those excess pounds:
Jesus, they must take their middle school volleyball pretty seriously down San Antonio way – or, at least, one psychopathic mother of a seventh-grade volleyball player certainly does – that seems to always be the case when firearms are drawn at the conclusion of a highly-contested match.
Police in San Antonio are hoping security video will help them identify and subsequently apprehend a woman who didn’t take too kindly to the girls’ volleyball team from Kirby Middle School cheering it up after they dispatched her daughter’s Metzger volleyball squad. So much so, that she went right up to the group of seventh grade girls, whipped out her gun and threatened to shoot them.
School district spokesperson James Keith (via My San Antonio):
“The Kirby team had just won, and they were in the back parking lot near the gym when the woman approached,” Keith said, noting that the students were chanting and celebrating their victory. The woman “approached them, pulled a handgun, and threatened to shoot them,” he said.
Gotta support the team. Fortunately for everyone, the clearly-mental mommy at least regained a modicum of composure before she shot up the place, but unfortunately for one seventh-grade girl, she’ll spend the rest of her adolescence explaining that yes, she is the daughter of Psycho Gun-Toting Mommy Nutjob Lady. Yearbook-signing days are totally going to suck for that girl.
(thanks Upstate Underdog)
Police: Mom pulls gun on volleyball team [My San Antonio]
Okay, Tony Dungy: we get it. A good Christian man such as yourself finds it abhorrent that not only would a grown man find it necessary to use such salty language with such frequency but then for it to be broadcast in such a way where kids – KIDS! – might hear it? Shameful. Although we are all now well aware of Dungy’s feelings about Ryan’s sailor talk on Hard Knocks given his incessant proselytizing regarding the issue, he was nevertheless back at it again on Dan Patrick’s radio program yesterday.
Dungy’s thoughts on the controversy he created, via the New York Post:
“It wasn’t personal,” Dungy said. “And it wasn’t that I was offended by that language at all. I’ve heard that, it goes on in locker rooms, I understand that. My problem was putting it on a TV show where you know it’s going on TV to all your fans.
“I had heard from Jets fans, I mean die-hard Jets fans, that said, ‘I wanted to let my son watch this because he’s such a Jets fan, he’s such a Rex Ryan fan, but I don’t want him to hear that language.’
Won’t somebody think of the children? And guess what, Coach Ryan? If you couldn’t reign in that bawdy talk, well sir, you would have no place on a Tony Dungy coaching staff.
“No, Rex Ryan or anyone like that,” Dungy said. “I’d say, hey . . . if you want to work on my staff, y’know there’s a time and place for that language.
“I don’t want to hear that type of language. And if that’s you, and you can’t control that, then I don’t want you on my staff.”
Ouch. That would be an especially stinging condemnation if Ryan were unemployed, and, you know, Dungy was still coaching in the NFL.
Now, to be fair to Dungy, it is certainly not within his control to decide which topics are brought up when participating in an interview. Sure, he could refuse to comment, but what sense would that make? Further, Tony Dungy could never be that rude. Dungy is actually somewhat shocked that his admonishment of Ryan’s cursing sparked such a controversy in the first place:
“I was surprised that my personal thoughts on language generated so much talk around the country,” he said.
I know, man. Fu**ing mind-blowing, ain’t it?
Dungy: Ryan isn’t kid-safe [New York Post]
Many of you likely recall when a few weeks ago, Da’Sean Butler decided to turn his Twitter account (@TheDaSeanButler) into his own personal amateur children’s story-writing playground, as he regaled us with an amusing, Newbery Medal-worthy tale about the madcap experiences of he and his buddy, Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Butler adapted to the 140-character confines of Twitter and narrated his children’s story through a remarkable series of tweets. And the finished product (the entire text of which can be found here) was bizarre. Hoo boy, was it odd. It was a hyperkinetic magic carpet ride that screamed a bee-line straight into Way-Out Crazyland.
That’s where the twisted geniuses behind the site TAUNTR come in. If there ever was a story which needed a cartoon adaptation, it was Da’Sean Butler’s kiddie opus. And let me tell you, TAUNTR far exceeded even their own high standards with this bad boy.
So, settle in, grab some popcorn, and enjoy. Hallucinogenics will not be needed for this trip.
And that’s not a good thing, either, as the young Irish phenom struggled around Cog Hill yesterday on his way to a 76 at the BMW Championship, a FedEx Cup Playoffs event. And just to be clear, playing golf on drugs = bad, m’kay?
Actually, the above tweet was much less about accuracy than it was a subtle jab at the fact that McIlroy tweeted that he was given a drug test after his round, the third time he has been tested this year. I bet if Rory got some of that hair cut off, he wouldn’t subjected to testing so often, the damn hippie.
But have no fear, folks, Rory is back on the course and his second round play has been going much better than how it went in the first round. At the time this post was published, McIlroy is three-under through five holes, so I guess you could say he’s off the horse and back on the wagon, in the parlance of our drug-addled times. Or is it back on the horse and off the wagon? So confusing.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, comments and complaints to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Suzi Hanks, a news gal for a rock radio station in Houston, provides a valuable service during her volunteer work at Taping For The Blind, Inc. – she transcribes Playboy magazines. Huh? Said Hanks: “I don’t read it all cover-to-cover in order but I do read everything – all the articles, all the jokes, all the little cartoons, all the pictures, all the letters to the Advisor, all those things.” Here’s a sampling of Hanks “reading” a photo spread: “She has a very large grin on her face, pink lipstick. She has a small tattoo right over the small of her back over the dimple area that appears to be maybe some sort of tribal design. It is red. … Her legs are kind of crossed. She is sitting in the water. Behind her shoulder, down past her arm, you can see her breast peeking out. … There are no tan lines at all. She is not wearing any nail polish or jewelry or bathing suit or anything.” Hoo baby. That’s hot. [azcentral]
• It keeps getting better for Floyd Mayweather, Jr: he is now a suspect in a domestic violence case. Great guy. [Larry Brown Sports]
• I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed and relieved someone got it on video: here’s Bob Costas’ New Orleans Shimmy from last night’s pregame show. [Hugging Harold Reynolds]
• Anna Kournikova AND Katy Perry on the same talk show? Mercy, mercy. [Bob's Blitz]
• A middle school football coach in Tennessee was fired for an anti-Obama song he wrote. [Out of Bounds]
• Does this University of Miami baseball player really look like a drug dealer? Yeah, kind of. [Busted Coverage]
• What mental impact do personal problems have on Phil and Tiger? [Waggle Room]
• Another question: what is the sound of one leg breaking? [The Last Angry Fan]
• YES Network reporter Kim Jones gets creampied. Sexy. [Ted Williams Head]
• Dear Lord no: Pam Ward wants to call NFL games. [Awful Announcing]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life
It’s 4:19, You Gotta Minute?
Posted by:
• Jack Nicklaus’ grandson has been suspended for two games by the Florida High School Athletic Association for sticking up his middle finger during a game. [Out of Bounds]
• Dear Lord: if you haven’t seen it yet, please click through and take a gander at Chris Berman’s mustache. [Larry Brown Sports]
• USC Song Girls in Hawaii? USC Song Girls in Hawaii. [Busted Coverage]
• Lakers guard Matt Barnes arrested for alleged domestic violence incident. [Bob's Blitz]
• Fan overheard during broadcast of Rockies game is not a big fan of Carlos Gonzalez. [Sharapova's Thigh]
• Here’s an interesting take on why the Twins could make it to the World Series. Hint: it involves making Bud Selig look like a schmuck. [Big League Stew]
• Epic photo manipulation by my old friend Gourmet Spud. Ha! [Food Court Lunch]
• Interesting question: which NFL team is really “America’s Team”? [Ted Williams Head]
• Tommy from Quinzee chimes in about Tom Brady’s accident. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Yep, this is pretty much exactly what Tim Tebow’s Facebook page is going to look like. [TAUNTR]
• The Onion Headline of the Day, Part II: So Far It Looks Like I’ve Done A Pretty Good Job Faking My Death (By Michael Landon)
Send tips, links, etc. to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
Colin Montgomerie has expressed concern that he will be given the moniker of “Captain Useless” if the U.S. manages to knock off Europe’s squad when the two teams face off beginning October 1st at Celtic Manor in Wales.
Via The Guardian:
“I’ll probably be called ‘Captain Useless’ if we lose. That seems to go with the territory these days. I do wonder if the role of the captain is overplayed, since we never get to hit a shot. You see it in football all the time. It is never the star player who is playing badly who gets it in the neck if his team loses, it is always the manager who gets the blame. I do think, though, the captain has an important role to play.”
A fair concern, sure, but if I were Montgomerie, I would be far more concerned about the Euros, the nasty folks that they are, coming up with a more hurtful moniker should he and his players not win. Just off the top of my head, I can think of these names far nastier than Captain Useless:
- Fatty McFatterson
- Colin the Colon
- Colin Montobesity
- Tits McGee
- Captain Neverwonamajor
- Cottage Cheese Thighs Colin
- Lord Can’t See M’Wiener
- Prince Pasty
- Haggis Ass
- The Prince of Whales
- Man Tits Montgomerie
And finally, perhaps the worst of all:
- Scotsman
Harsh, man.
Colin Montgomerie: I’ll be ‘Captain Useless’ if we don’t win Ryder Cup [The Guardian]
Ignoring the backlash he has experienced since he made the controversial comment that his fight on November 13th against Audley Harrison will be as, and I quote, “one-sided as a gang rape,” boxer David Haye has steadfastly refused to apologize for his insensitive, moronic statement, despite the insistence by women’s rights groups that he do so.
Why would he refuse, you ask? What’s an apology these days anyway? They’re empty statements. How hard is it to say “I apologize to any person who my insensitive comments might have offended.” Everybody knows a person doesn’t even have to mean it when they apologize. Well, the reason is simple, at least in Haye’s case: if he spent all his time apologizing for every stupid thing he said, he’d wouldn’t have time to say more stupid things.
Haye, of course, made this assertion via his Twitter account (via The Guardian):
“If I apologised for every stupid/ignorant thing i said, I wouldn’t have time for anything else during the day!” he wrote.
Quite the conundrum. I suppose to free up space on his calendar, Haye could simply refrain from saying stupid stuff all the time. That way he wouldn’t get himself in the predicament of spending all his time apologizing for the stupid things he previously said, which would free him up to make more ignorant comments which I guess he wouldn’t be making since he was already refraining from them. Mr. Haye, I just opened up your entire friggin’ calendar. You’re welcome.
No apology from David Haye after ‘gang rape’ comment [The Guardian]
This just in: Bubba Watson is an a-hole. A big, smelly, show-off a-hole. Above is Bubba at a Ping facility testing out a right-handed club, only he flips it and hits it left-handed 300 freaking yards.
Sure, I have driven a ball 300 yards before…just as long as it is measured by walking straight up the fairway 200 yards, making a 90-degree turn and then proceeding to walk the remaining 100 yards to where my ball is sitting, lying in the rough over on the other side of the next fairway.
God I hate golf.
[H/T Devil Ball Golf]
Paul Bissonnette is about to enter his 3rd year in the NHL, his second with the Phoenix Coyotes. In the 41 games he appeared in last season, he scored a paltry 3 goals. But what he lacks in scoring ability on the ice, he more than makes up for in other areas, as evidenced by the above tweet where he reveals a secret to those who are not a tried and true Ladies Men on how to make up a batch of “Panty Soup,” which Bissonnette describes in a later tweet as:
Panties + moister = panty soup. Do not, and I repeat do not get the crab blend. U will instantly regret it. Upset stomach fo sho.
The crab blend would clearly indicate that said young lady is a ho…fo sho.
Apparently, all that is required to whip up a nice, wet bowl of Panty Soup is the Planet Earth DVD. I could see that. As Bissonnette explains in yet another subsequent tweet on the topic:
I’m serious folks. First scene is the polar bear scene with her cubs. The girls melt. Its an f’ing afrodisiac.
Awesome. Thanks, brah! But here’s where old Weed Against Speed one-ups this youngster. How about Planet Earth on freaking Blu-Ray? The girls not only melt, they invite all their friends over for an f’ing orgy, my friends. You’ll be “bating like .750 with that move,” or something. Either he intended to tweet “batting .750″ or he’s explaining that you might be on your own and will be (mastur)”bating” to get off if the young lady has the crab blend going on and you have to throw her out of your pad after she stinks up the joint with dat skeezy move.
Fo sho.
(Updated: you may recall that Bissonnette’s Twitter account, @BizNasty, was the source of much controversy earlier this summer when he criticized Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract. The Twitter account he made those (among other bizarre, highly entertaining statements) on was subsequently shut down, hence the BizNasty2pointO. And I think we are all the better for it).
Heading into their “rematch” (I put that word in quotes because anyone who sees this game as having any semblance of a rematch just doesn’t get it) of last season’s NFC Championship game against the Saints, the Vikings’ primary area concern shouldn’t be about the need for another serviceable cornerback or how to best prevent Brett Favre taking a similar beating as he did in the previous game , they should be far more worried about the team’s unresolved issues regarding the heartbreaking loss at the Superdome last January which is disturbingly manifesting itself in a vocalized display of oral fixation.
In an article published in today’s Star Tribune about how the team has dealt with that brutal loss, despite the fact the Vikings far outplayed the Saints in many facets of the game (a quick look at the statistics certainly qualifies this notion, except for the whole, you know, fumbling, turnovers and, ahem, horrendous twelve men in the huddle penalty), and how no matter how hard the players, coaches and staff have tried to move on from it, the experience has nevertheless been a thorn in their side the entire offseason. What’s uncanny about the statements from several Vikings is the shared and common thread by which they have chosen to articulate their emotions: most of the quotes in the article seem to illustrate that these players appear to have regressed to the first of Sigmund Freud’s psychosexual stages of development: the oral stage.
Wake N’ Blog is the Sportress of Blogitude’s morning link dump. Send tips, links, praise and more praise to weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.
• Being referred to as a Dumb & Dumber-esque caper by the press, two Australian men, after stealing a five-foot long python from a nearby pet store, ended up having difficulty controlling the snake when they took it out of its container in a McDonald’s parking lot. “Anyone who gets out there with a one-and-a-half metre python in a McDonald’s carpark, they’re pretty dumb,” said Sergeant Andrew Beams, stating the obvious. [Yahoo!/AFP]
• Kid in Brooklyn spends entire summer constructing “World’s Largest Bobblehead,” looks thrilled about it. [Out of Bounds]
• LeBron James keeps finding new and inventive reasons for people to hate him. [Larry Brown Sports]
• Did Brett Favre seriously spend $156,000 to kill six deer? [Busted Coverage]
• Unbalanced Jets fan wants to sell you something. Exactly what? I have no idea. [The Last Angry Fan]
• Do you have questions about personal hygiene? Sharks star Joe Thornton is here to answer them. [Melt Your Face Off]
• The five best moments from the Hard Knocks finale. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
• Photographic evidence of some perverse scientific experiment where Bill Walton and Dan Shaughnessy were combined to make a grown man. [The Sports Hernia Blog]
• If you haven’t seen it yet, here’s that Ray Lewis Old Spice commercial. [Outside the Boxscore]
• The five best golfers of all-time would make quite the formidable Ryder Cup team. [Unathletic]
• Chad Ochocinco’s eight words after sex. [You Been Blinded]
• Take a moment to watch this hilarious spoof, Pure Michigan, about University of Michigan football. It’s a hoot. [TAUNTR]
• One of my favorites: FCL finishes the headline. [Food Court Lunch]
• The Onion Headline of the Day: Nation’s Last Themeless Restaurant Closes
